This all seems kind of new to me. I've been in a few pretty long relationships and either my partner had never been with anyone but me, or I'd seen him taking and passing the STD tests through standard military requirements.

So here I embark into the "regular" world and I'm terrified of what I could catch --- even through kissing. Yes, we can cure almost all of the sexually transmitted diseases of yesteryear like Syphilis, Gonorrhea, Clamydia, etc..

However there is no cure for Herpes or HIV / AIDS. This is very frightening, since both will stay with you until you die. Only the HIV / AIDS will kill you, but the Herpes is pretty gross (kind of like a nasty scarlet letter).

Do you, as single dating adults, think that it is acceptable dating protocol to expect to see your partner's test results (In hand) before they have any right to ask for sex?

Would you walk hand-in-hand with your potential sex partner to the clinic and submit to all STD testing available? Wait, however long for the results (could be 1 or 2 weeks on some). Then exchange results before "Doing it and doing it well" ????????

Hmmm. Interesting questions. I say: Nope. Some tests (like HIV) might be good to have in hand. But the others often only show up on swabs if you're actively having an outbreak--so a 'no' in that category wouldn't necessarily be a true 'no.'

Personally, I think if the person was someone I cared about, they're likely to care for themselves too and know if they've got anything. And if you're in a relationship where you're so super afraid of catching an STD you should be w/someone who'd disclose that info if they have one. If you suspect they might be lying, you probably shouldn't be dating them. And if you suspect EVERYONE of lying, well, you might have a point there. But, again, demanding they take a test might just be a false negative and make you feel secure when you shouldn't.

Better to wait for someone you trust to tell you the truth, and who takes care of themselves and regularly sees a doctor who checks for STDs.

My mother would also say: don't sleep together until you're married and then be sure to marry a virgin. But sounds like it's too late for that (too late for most of us...sorry mom).

<<puts on her conservative hat, and agrees with:

Better to wait for someone you trust to tell you the truth,

If can't believe the person, then maybe you should keep your pants on. :)

What about all those STDs that are asymptomatic for years on end? Someone could be telling the truth, take care of themselves, etc. and still have an STD. You have to specifically ask for STD testing at the doctors office so even someone who gets their pap smear, etc. is risky.

I know someone who got herpes from her long term boyfriend cheating on her, she could have easily passed it on to someone else if she hadn't had an outbreak before she found out about the cheating.

Another vote for waiting for trust.

I won't have sex with someone until I know them enough to know their history, am comfortable enough with them to truly talk about things, and trust them enough to know they're telling the truth and that they wouldn't abandon me if birth control failed.

I wouldn't have sex with someone I didn't trust. Once I trust someone enough to be intimate with them, I ask about when they were last tested etc... I also use condoms. I'm tested annually, and now that the bf has health insurance again, he's going to be retested. I feel comfortable with that.

Just like BelovedTree said, people can be carrying asymptomatic diseases. By no fault of their own they are passing their STD on to other people without their knowledge. It doesn't really matter how many partners you have had. You are sleeping with everyone they slept with and so on and so forth.

I do not have a partner at this time. I have been celebate for a year and a half. I have been through all of the STD testing a few times, because of military service, a cheating husband, and to ease my mind. I have nothing to hide and would gladly submit to testing for someone I cared about and wanted to sleep with.

I know it doesn't sound romantic, but the alternative is much worse. A few of you said that you would not rush in to sex. You said that you would ask the questions and wait to have sex with someone you trusted. There definitely must be trust no matter which route you're taking. Even if you have the blessing of written proof that you and your partner have no STDs, the trust has to be there that tells you, you are actually in a monogamous relationship.

I don't think wanting tests makes someone a bad person with trust issues. This is simply a crazy world. Wouldn't you feel so much better knowing that neither of your pasts are going to haunt you?

Remember that Herpes commercial says they can still spread herpes even when they do not have outbreaks. I really feel sorry for your friend BelovedTree. I hope they are still looking for a cure.

Actually, I changed my mind. Getting tested for me would be the MOST romantic thing that a guy could do. :smitten:

I'm thinking that everyone needs to find a comfy spot between head to toe protective gear and disinfectant wand neuroticism, and "you'll just know when you meet that special someone" gullibility.

Mine is: It's condoms for you until you show me the papers. Of course the papers thing would only come into play if I were in a monogamous relationship...:lol: And in that case I'd have to prove that the monkies flying out of my butt were not contagious.

[B]Do you, as single dating adults, think that it is acceptable dating protocol to expect to see your partner's test results (In hand) before they have any right to ask for sex?

Absolutely. Getting a verbal history isnt enough for me because sometimes people may choose to leave out details that they think you don't need to know :-/ I feel it's too risky for me to trust anybody 100% when it comes to my sexual health.

Would you walk hand-in-hand with your potential sex partner to the clinic and submit to all STD testing available? Wait, however long for the results (could be 1 or 2 weeks on some). Then exchange results before "Doing it and doing it well" ????????

I dont necessarily expect to go to the same clinic together or anything, but for me there's no indulging in the 'horizontal nasty' until it's done and I know the results :) It is a bit of a pain, but it's worth the piece of mind. Fortunately my relationships have all been fairly long so it's not something I've had to do regularly.

"horizontal nasty" :no: :lol:

re: asympomatic illnesses..yeah, that could be problematic. I think that knowing the person's history would eliminate even this concern in many cases, but not all.

I checked yes, but I don't always ask to see the paper bc like others, I wouldn't do it with someone I didn't trust. Asking to see the paper isn't so much a trust issue as an issue of certainty. You can trust someone when maybe you shouldn't and the consequences of that mistake could be prevented by just looking at the papers.

I mean we all trust when maybe we shouldn't. How many people are cheated on, given diseases when told we shouldn't worry, or otherwise lied to in relationships? In the case of STDs, there is a lot at stake if you make a mistake about trusting someone.

only reason i said "no" is b/c i've only ever done the deed with one woman and we're engaged! :-D no need for formalities ;-)

I want to know a person's sexual history before I sleep with them, but fortunately the (few) people I've had sex with had few (or no) other partners, so I never asked anyone to have STD tests. I do use condoms, though.

Do you, as single dating adults, think that it is acceptable dating protocol to expect to see your partner's test results (In hand) before they have any right to ask for sex?

uhm, ok, i'm not single anymore, and i've only ever been with one partner--my husband--but before we met, i did have a policy, and this is how is plays out.

First, ain't nobody 'asking' for sex. in my universe, people discuss sex before they hvae it--sexual interests, sexual expectations, sexual fantacies and all of that. there is clear communication about wants, needs, and expectations as far as sex and sexuality goes, as well as birth control, all questions related to having children, and even STDs.

Next, then, comes the obvious. We'll talk about expectations and the types of birth control that each of us prefers and what we can agree on for regular use. With this, comes the STD conversation, which includes disclosure of sexual experience (honestly), and also disclosure of sexual health. THe tests are manditory for all STDs. I would also get tested and we would share the results.

Then, when we were both educated, open, and ready, we would have sex.

In the case of the relationship that i'm in, my husband was inexperienced, so there was no concern. But, he got tested anyway, because he did have oral sex with someone. I still have a copy of the results, which i keep in my diary which now also holds my fertility charts. it's a huge binder. anyway, it's like a big sex notebook now.

My husband and i talked about sex long before we had it, and we talked about birth control and STDs as well. we talked about all of these things before proceeding. I think that communication is the big key.

My husband and I were both tested before we had sex. I don't see a problem with it.

We're getting a lot of great input from the women of VB, but guys where do you stand? It looks like only one or two guys have responded. We'd really like to know how you approach this and what you deam an acceptable way for your woman to approach it.

We're getting a lot of great input from the women of VB, but guys where do you stand? It looks like only one or two guys have responded. We'd really like to know how you approach this and what you deam an acceptable way for your woman to approach it.

I would want my partner to be tested before having sex without condoms in a monogomous relationship. I don't need to see the results because if I can't trust my partner to be honest about the results I cannot trust her to be honest about the monogomy in which case I would insist on condoms (or actually, end the relationship).

STDs are on everybody's minds these days. This morning on my drive into work the rock station DC 101 was conducting STD Mapping. They are asking listeners to call in and tell them about the STDs that they have. Elliot, the host, has a large map of the DC area, including Maryland, Virginia, West Virginia and as far south as Richmond (since they have a sister station there). As the people call in and describe what they have or what someone else that they know has, Elliot is putting a thumbtack in the map for the city that they live in. http://www.dc101.com/pages/stdmap06.html

This show is not for the easily offended. They do manage to make me laugh before a long day at work. Even if you do not live in DC you can listen in and play along. You'd have to register for free first at: http://www.dc101.com/cc-common/globalsignup.html
Then you could listen live online : http://www.dc101.com/pages/listenlive.html

This morning some guy called in from Charles Town, West Virginie. LOL. He says "Elliot gawd it herts when I pee." He was very much a redneck. Elliot told him it was probably Gonorrhea and he should get checked out. Another woman called from Fredericksburg, VA and said a female coworker just got herpes. Then she proceeds to say this woman is such a hoebag that she has already infected another guy in less than 2 weeks. :sealed:

A girl at my husband's office is 24, and she got so drunk last saturday that she slept with a guy she met that night. She said it freaked her out, but "its ok because we used protection".

No, it is NOT ok!!!! A condom is good protection, but not PERFECT. That girl should get tested for STDs in a month or so.

My husband and I were both each other's first. If we hadn't been, you can bet that we would have been tested first. Herpes is extremely common, do you really want to live with that the rest of your life? Let alone HIV, HPV (a totally silent virus which can lead to cervical cancer), or other seemingly asymptomatic infections which could leave you sterile?

Now, tell me, isn't avoiding all that MUCH better than trying not to "kill the mood"? I think your choice is clear.

Do you, as single dating adults, think that it is acceptable dating protocol to expect to see your partner's test results (In hand) before they have any right to ask for sex?

Would you walk hand-in-hand with your potential sex partner to the clinic and submit to all STD testing available? Wait, however long for the results (could be 1 or 2 weeks on some). Then exchange results before "Doing it and doing it well" ????????

I don't know about "acceptable dating protocol" or "any right." These seem to be very biased terms that imply that there are standard rules for everybody. I don't think there are any standard rules. It's whatever the couple finds to be mutually agreeable. I think anyone has a "right" to ask for just about anything; whether you say "yes" to the request is up to you.

As far as getting the results are concerned, AFAIK there is a "latency" period during which one may be infected by the HIV virus but still not test positive. So some people who recommend the kind of thing you are talking about also recommend waiting until the latency period is over and a second set of tests is taken and shows negative results for STDs.

This could mean quite a long wait. I think it also raises the question of how much caution is appropriate and how much caution constitutes paranoia. Another question is to what extent love and affection are important elements in a sexual relationship, and whether this kind of testing is the kind of thing that can destroy love, affection, and trust.

First of all, I never have one-night stands. If I sleep with someone, it's someone that I know well enough to trust them to be honest with me. I might casually ask if they've been tested, but I certainly won't demand to see papers.

Second of all, I use condoms. They may not be 100% perfect but they do the job and I'm not going to go frantic with worry because there is a 0.01% chance that I contracted something. I also have myself tested every year to verify that I'm clean.

When my husband and I met, we had him tested for everything (I already had tests done earlier that year). In the relationship I had prior, my ex and I went and got tested together. It’s not very romantic and spontaneous but eh, it’s not worth the risk. I’m glad I don’t have to worry about it anymore.

But!!! My best friend contracted herpes from her husband via his mouth. That’s scary. He obviously knew he had sores in his mouth from time to time but didn’t realize he could give her herpes down there.

I would like to warn ALL of the women here that condoms are NOT 99% effective in preventing transmittal of all diseases. Condoms are actually NOT entirely preventative of transmittal of HPV, the virus that can cause cervical cancer. The only reason cervical cancer rates have gone down, despite an increase in the spread of HPV, is due to consistent PAP smears to detect lesions and to remove early stage cancers.

I definitely believe in the use of condoms as a protectant. If you are not in a long term monogamous, "tested" relationship, it should be condoms, or just no sex, period. I just want people to be careful, and to remember that condoms are great, but not perfect.

...my ex and I went and got tested together. It’s not very romantic...
I disagree. :D But then I think that most traditional romantic-type goings on are boring/phony.

I disagree. :D But then I think that most traditional romantic-type goings on are boring/phony.
It was the tinge of fear waiting for the results that wasn't romantic lol.