Son married and we never see him now

[iyiyi]

My heart is breaking since our son moved in with fiancee in summer 2005. He recently married and nothing has changed. His father and I hardly ever see him. We barely know his wife. We've told him and his wife that we would like to see them more and hear from them more often. They say yes and then it goes back to the same ol' same ol'. I've tried to stay away and give them space. I don't call too often (once every few weeks) so not to be accused of being a typical MIL. I am an emotional person by nature. I cry at Hallmark commercials. Needless to say, I miss my child. He has told both me and his father that their Sundays are never available and my DIL works on Saturdays and he won't come to see us unless she is with him. That pretty much leaves out the entire weekend as she is too tired to do anything after work on Saturday...or so they say. We then, on occasion, find out through casual conversations that he and sometimes she has spent entire weekends with her family. I have asked him how can that be when he told us weekends are unavailable? He gets angry and starts yelling at me. Of course, his father doesn't find a problem with that. My husband and I argue habitually about this. He is our only child and I am not dealing with any of this very well. It has affected my health as I have been sick 5 times in the last year. It has to be the stress of it all. We paid for a large portion of their wedding and even had to give them a loan or the wedding would not have happened. We were crushed for almost a year with their unappreciativeness. They would come over for money but never just to spend some time. We've only been invited to their home 3 times in a year and a half with the last time being January of this year. When my birthday came in October I was glad to get a card and a phone call but they never came over to celebrate no matter how many times we tried to set a date (even during the week). There is so much more to this saga, but it hurts to even write this. I guess I have to suffer in silence like my husband expects. He comes from a long line of silent sufferers. It seems to work for him but doing that only makes me ill and makes me try to continually give him a clue as to how this makes me feel. He is still clueless and pays me lip service. I need a miracle to help work through this.

Just a note, my friends, family and my son's best friend have made comments without prompting from me or my husband that my son is totally whipped by my DIL. We have noticed but that is DEFINITELY not something that can EVER be commented on.

Thanks for letting me vent...maybe a new life just for myself is needed. Of course, husband would say I'm being spiteful. Can I win for losing???

iy::cry:

[Magnus]

Wow it sounds like you are getting no support from either end. I can imagine how hard that is for you. Mine are 4 and 2 so we have them for a while. I don’t know how old your son is but when I was in my twenties I was very distant from my family, very similar to how your son sounds. It was not that I did not care them or we were in conflict. I was just busy with my life. I was on my own, working, in a relationship that turned into a marriage etc. I know this was very hard on my mom but she backed off. I am an only child and my mom was very overprotective. I think for me I needed the time to take on the world myself and to experience adulthood. When I was in my thirties, I became more connected again. The lines of communication were never severed I just did not initiate. I think I began to initiate contact for no other reason that I grew to appreciate what they did for me and the sacrifices that they made.

I think what you and your son are going threw is a normal phase of development. (again I don’t know his age but) it sounds like he is asserting his independence and following his own path and you are at the point were you (and your husband) are developing a life after children. If you have had a good relationship with him before he left to start his own family he will return in time.

Regarding the visits only for money or some other type of help, I would talk to him. Tell him how you feel in a non-judgmental manner and if you feel up to it set a consequence. “we never see/hear from you until you need something …bla bla bla…so I’m not sure we can help you out again”.

Just FYI I’m sure I will be blithering idiot when my kids leave the house. My time will come.

[karenlovessnow]

I'm sorry for what you are dealing with. I was wondering how the relationship was before he met his wife. Were there problems, issues, then? I am lucky in that I have three grown children, my two daughters moved out in the past year but we remain close. My son lives at home, he is the youngest, 24, and while we have a good relationship he is not around much. He had moved out for a few months and I almost never heard from him. I tend to think that if he was out on his own again, whether or not married, that I probably wouldn't hear much from him again. I'm not sure why that is. We get along fine, but maybe it's like Magnus says, and it is a normal phase of development, and that he will come around again in time. Of course, since you say there is more to the saga, I don't really know. Anyway, I hope things get better for you. It would kill me if I were in your shoes. I am lucky in that I have a good job with a lot of really nice co-workers, so I try to keep busy with that part of my life. My husband sounds a lot like yours. I had a bad case of empty nest syndrome when my girls left, but I am better now. Good luck.

[Elena99]

Perhaps they just need some more time?

I don't have kids, just recently married myself (January 2005), but it sounds like they're still in the initial stages of getting used to being married, being on their own, etc. Was your son living with you right up until he moved in with his fiancee?

Give them a few more months. Put out invites, but don't expect too much yet.

How was your DIL with you at the wedding, and other times? Maybe she feels a little overwhelmed, still, at having a MIL. She might not know how to just be comfortable with you yet.

[karenlovessnow]

Something else I thought of, when my oldest daughter moved out I hardly called her because I that was what she wanted, to be left alone and on her own. I too, didn't want to be a "hovering" kind of mom. Turned out she was looking for me to call her first. She was thinking I didn't miss her because I wasn't calling, and she didn't know it was because I thought she didn't want me to bother her! Just a thought, maybe he wouldn't mind if you called him more often? Also, sometimes the kids gravitate towards one side of the family more than others. In the case with my niece, she is always with her husband's family, more than ours. Just seems to be the way it is, where they are most comfortable. Perhaps your DIL is very close to her family so it seems natural for your son to spend more time with her family because of her. Doesn't make it any easier for you, though, I would imagine. Still sucks. I feel bad. :(

[iyiyi]

Many thanks to Magnus, Karenlovessnow and Elena,

When I said there was more to the saga I meant there was alot more hurt. It involved so many things regarding the wedding, i.e., give money and be quiet and take all orders from future DIL and son. The whole relationship didn't start off very well when it was an expectation for us to pay more than we did for a fairy tale wedding. We would have paid for all of it if there was any appreciation of any kindand we could feel a a part of the joy. We barely had a clue what was going on for 15 months. If we didn't ask we weren't told. I could not take my DIL to lunch and a day at the spa and shopping because after 4 attempts she kept coming up with excuses. I gave up. I could not give her a shower. She wanted a combined shower and that was that. I should have given her a surprise shower...my mistake. It goes on but I don't want to look like a martyr. I am certainly a capable woman with a professional career. I guess hurt like this brings me to a level of neediness.
My son lived with us until he moved to his home with his then fiancee. She had problems at home and he felt compelled to fix her problems which meant getting her out of the environment. I tried to advise him on living alone for a while to develop a sense of himself. He was in love and that was not going to happen. I was grateful that he didn't move into an apartment and stayed home for a while to save money to buy his own home. He would never have been able to save for a home if he was paying rent. He did listen to that advice.

Well all, I am going to have a glass of wine. That seems to help sometimes. I will try to cut myself some slack, Magnus. It's so hard to take good advice. Why is that?

iy:D

[Life2k]

Here is some more advice. He is your child. Don't wait for an invitation. About once every 2 weeks just drop in on them after work for a few moments. It won't kill them. Never make it the same day of the week so they can't predict when you are coming. Take your son's favorite food to save your DIL effort after work. As for her, just include her in your love even if she doesn't want it. She is probably insecure about sharing her guy with his mom. You may have to open your heart wider than you ever thought possible, but do try to think of this girl as a new family member, not the enemy. After all, you are the one who has the maturity and life skills. So from one old broad to another, good luck, and don't wear your heart on your sleeve.

[iyiyi]

Thanks Life2K!
I was never so thrilled to have another woman in my life. We both love the same person. I would drop in if it weren't over 55 minutes away and if we weren't told to call first...lol. So as you see there are alot of rules we must obey. I do like my DIL even with the hurt feelings and I try all the time. I will try harder as you are so right, I have alot of life experience. The child in me wants to take my ball and go home...lol.
iy

p.s. taking my feelings off my sleeve will probably never happen. that's why God didn't make me a poker pro ( i lol when i get a good hand)...lol

[Life2k]

The other thing you can do is adopt motherless young adults around you. Accept the ones life sends you and take them to your heart. Nurture where you can. Your heart is big enough to love more than one son or maybe a daughter. There are so many people who's parents aren't near or are no longer living who would be glad to have your friendship and emotional support. It would help you too.

[iyiyi]

It's funny you should say that. I was thinking about, and have been for some time, inviting my son's best friend (and his best man) and his girl for dinner. I love this young man and he's been a dear to us. I plan on asking my son and DIL and if they can make if great. If not, oh well. No sense in wasting my perfectly good spaghetti dinner.
I think I will ask his girl when I see her next time I have my hair done.
Thanks, again
iy
p.s. wine definitely helps.

[Dirty Martini]

I wasn't sure I should weigh in on this because I was on the other side of the fence for a while.

I didn't see my MIL very often, but when I did, she could never get used to who I am or how to get along with me. She expected me to talk ALL the time, and I'm just not that chatty. So she took my lack of chattiness as a sign that I disliked her, when that wasn't the case. If I sat on the couch and read the paper, it would go something like this:

her: do you need anything?
me: no thanks, i'm fine! :)
her: are you sure? are you hungry? can I get you anything?
me: no, I'm fine. I just want to relax and read the paper
her: okay well if you need something let me know
me: okay
her: because I can get you some water if you want. Are you thirsty? I like to have a cup of water every time I am reading something.
me: nah, I just had some, but thanks.
her: you know, most people are really dehydrated but they don't know it. In fact, you are supposed to drink 8 or more glasses of water a day
me: :book:
her: everything okay? you're quiet.
me: :brood:

... and so on. She just wanted to be nice and take care of me, but I wanted to just be left alone and read my paper. I am the type of person who enjoys just sitting around reading, or listening to music, or doing some sort of quiet activity. She is the kind of person who has to have the TV on, has to be talking, and has to be taking care of people. I think that I stressed her out because I didn't talk a lot, and she stressed me out because she was always thinking I was mad at her because I am not a chatty cathy.

point is, maybe it's just a personality clash. You don't always have to be "doing something" to spend time together. Maybe she doesn't like going to the spa or to coffee or something. Maybe just see about coming over and spending the afternoon at their place doing nothing. I would have much preferred that, over "let's go get manicures then go see a movie then go out for lunch then go shopping then go to the grocery store then make dinner together then play poker!" ;)

I hope I am not coming across as rude, but my point is that while she may like you, maybe she just isn't interested in *doing* things... and her way of getting out of doing a bunch of stuff is to just say they're busy. I don't know, but it's my guess.

[SilverC]

Want the opinion of someone who is in your daughter in law's shoes?

If my MIL decided to drop in every couple of weeks, I'd have to shoot her. Sorry, but I absolutely hate drop ins, regardless of who's doing them. And bringing over dinner seems way too much like a pushy mother who hasn't cut the apron strings.

I don't hang out with my MIL. I rarely talk to her, actually. I'm not a social person and I am uncomfortable when I am forced to interact with people that I don't really know. Maybe she's the same way. Also, I have a high stress job, so on my days off, I want to relax at home. Spending the day with the inlaws is not at all relaxing for the majority of people.

Your son is a different matter of course. Even if she doesn't want to come visit you, he still should, without her. That's what me and my husband do. We live a few hours away from my inlaws, so he goes up to stay with them a couple of times a year. It's not a "tv family" situation, but it works for all involved.

If they are that recently married, then I would understand if he doesn't want to spend time apart from her yet. Give it time. Once they get used to being married for awhile, I'm sure he'll be happy for the chance to come and visit you.

[iyiyi]

To Oregon Amy, I don't think asking my future DIL out to lunch to try to start off a new relationship is such a terrible thing. I also think BOTH parties need to try. I gave up because I did come to your conclusion. She may feel uncomfortable and lunching (never asked to play poker, btw) is not her thing at least with a future MIL. Sadly, I will never ask again either. I'm not being spiteful but I don't want to have my feelings hurt again, either. Sometimes being and doing what you want can alienate people forever. There needs to be give and take. I've had a great relationship with my MIL for the better part of 30 years. I've always felt grateful and loved if she invited me to anything. Even if it wasn't something I always wanted to do, I did it. That's how a family operates. Your MIL is trying to love you. Cut her some slack. I mean how long do you have to spend with her that you can't put a paper down and chat for a while? No offense intended.


To SilverC, I would never drop in. I didn't like it when my MIL did it only once. I never did it to her without a phone call, either. Hopefully, my son will find his way with maturity.

Thanks all,
iy:sunny:

[Dirty Martini]

My point, iyiyi, was that you can't push people to do things that they don't want to do, and in trying to force them, you can end up pushing them even further away.

She might be an introvert. I don't know why your son isn't visiting though.

Also, I might suggest just letting go of the "we spent so much money on the wedding without an ounce of thanks" bitterness. Consider it a lesson learned, I guess. Now that you know what to expect from them when you give them money (nothing), you can decide in the future whether it's worth it to you to give them money in the future (assuming they won't thank you again).

It's not worth holding on to grudges, and I wonder if your DIL senses your frustration with her lack of gratitude and doesn't want to deal with it, or something. That doesn't excuse her behavior, but letting go of the anger will not only help you, it could make it easier for your DIL to agree to visits.

I'm not trying to be rude or paint your DIL in some sort of angelic light (by no means)... it is also quite possible that she is intimidated by you and that she wants your praise and acceptance but doesn't know how to get it.

[Dirty Martini]

to add... the reason I mentioned the introversion is because introverts need time to spend by themselves to "recharge" after a day (or evening) of socializing. Perhaps during your visits, she doesn't get that time. I tried to get it with my MIL and she would get angry when I did. I would spend the day with her, then try to relax and have some quiet time - and get the above scenario instead (it's not like I would go visit her, read the paper, then leave).

My point is, she might be in the position where she feels like she is trying to please you but doesn't get something that she needs from you (praise? validation? I don't know), so avoids family situations.

I could be way off the mark but that is not only my experience, but a friend's experience as well. It is difficult to gain the acceptance & praise of our MIL's - and sometimes we never do get it.

One more thing - if your son won't come to see you without his wife, that seems like an issue. Whether abusive or co-dependency, I don't know, but that's a bit suspicious... :think:

[iyiyi]

OregonAmy,

I don't push. I just miss my son. It's that simple and there are no answers. There's only well meaning advice and I hope I can use some of it.

iy

[iyiyi]

OregonAmy,

When they do visit it is for a few hours. I would never think of reading a paper at their home. I believe that is rude if you are there to socialize. I am no angel and play hard ball in the business world. BUT, I have always sincerely complimented her on many levels. She is beautiful, has excellent decorating abilities. Ask my husband how often I have complmented her...he's over there~~~~~~~>. lol. I am always sincere, also. My husband thinks she may lack social skills. I don't know.
I think you MIL sounds like a very nice woman that is trying very hard. Maybe you shouldn't stay so long at her home so you can have time at home to read the paper.

Just remember, you may be a mother today but you have the potential to be a mother-in-law.

Thanks for the advice,
iy

[remilard]

OregonAmy,

When they do visit it is for a few hours. I would never think of reading a paper at their home. I believe that is rude if you are there to socialize. I am no angel and play hard ball in the business world. BUT, I have always sincerely complimented her on many levels. She is beautiful, has excellent decorating abilities. Ask my husband how often I have complmented her...he's over there~~~~~~~>. lol. I am always sincere, also. My husband thinks she may lack social skills. I don't know.
I think you MIL sounds like a very nice woman that is trying very hard. Maybe you shouldn't stay so long at her home so you can have time at home to read the paper.

Just remember, you may be a mother today but you have the potential to be a mother-in-law.

Thanks for the advice,
iy

Actually she isn't a mother today. Well, I haven't seen any kids around the house anyway.

[FreshTart]

Want the opinion of someone who is in your daughter in law's shoes?

If my MIL decided to drop in every couple of weeks, I'd have to shoot her. Sorry, but I absolutely hate drop ins, regardless of who's doing them. And bringing over dinner seems way too much like a pushy mother who hasn't cut the apron strings.


I agree (in case anyone decides to take the advise. While I love Life2k to death and would happily welcome her to my house, there are some of us that would move to another province to get away from a MIL that dropped by).

[astro]

Perhaps there's more to this story than you've mentioned here and I could suggest that maybe your son just wants to get away for a while. But on the other hand, if he's making no real effort to see you for any reason other than to get money from you, maybe he's just a selfish person.


I was thinking about, and have been for some time, inviting my son's best friend (and his best man) and his girl for dinner. I love this young man and he's been a dear to us. I plan on asking my son and DIL and if they can make if great. If not, oh well.

Go for it! Spend your time and effort on people who appreciate you :)

[MollyGoat]

I agree (in case anyone decides to take the advise. While I love Life2k to death and would happily welcome her to my house, there are some of us that would move to another province to get away from a MIL that dropped by).

:yes: I love my fiance's family. But I am glad we live in a different state from them, for precisely this type of reason.

[thebelovedtree]

I think I'm in a very similar to Oregon Amy with my boyfriend's family, especially his mom. We speak totally different languages and I think we both make each other uncomfortable. Evidently I'm the only introvert with whom she has ever interacted because her solution to me being naturally quiet is to spend all our time together verbally poking me. Maybe it's just a personality clash, and your putting you energy into the wrong places? Have fun with people more receptive to your efforts and eventually you will see your son again. He can't have an entire marriage w/o ever seeing you.

[iyiyi]

I think I'm in a very similar to Oregon Amy with my boyfriend's family, especially his mom. We speak totally different languages and I think we both make each other uncomfortable. Evidently I'm the only introvert with whom she has ever interacted because her solution to me being naturally quiet is to spend all our time together verbally poking me. Maybe it's just a personality clash, and your putting you energy into the wrong places? Have fun with people more receptive to your efforts and eventually you will see your son again. He can't have an entire marriage w/o ever seeing you.


Thanks everyone. I believe this thread is a little frayed. MY DIL is not the problem nor is our interaction. OregonAmy got it going in this direction because of how she feels with her MIL. I have received alot of great advice and I am very appreciative. I have had my eyes opened by so many young women and how they feel about their husband's mother. It makes me sad, also. A few months ago I was one of you and now I am a MIL. I think all young women should take some time and think about that. This is your husband's mother for goodness sakes. She is the first women he loved in his life. Just as your father is the first man you loved in your life and unless your father was abusive, your husband will never be your father or share that special bond. Why do women feel they must take their husbands and fix them after they leave home and their mothers...and fathers??

Also, this is an old cliche but it does pertain. You have no idea what it's like until you have children of your own. Being able to impart advice about children and children's relationships for the most part does require the experience.

BTW, I no long feel badly. I now realize for all you younger women out there that this is the seems to be the style...automatic anxiety and antagonism towards a MIL. How sad because there is so much you can learn from your husband;s mother. Don't you understand? If you're lucky enough to have children, YOU WILL BE A MIL SOMEDAY, TOO!

Thanks again and God Bless Everyone,
iy

[CaptainSwab]

I am another really quiet, shy young person with a MIL.

The thing from your first post that sticks out to me and bothers me is the comments made by your sons friends about how they also noticed that he never drops by anymore.

Also, you said that you only call once every couple of weeks? I don't think that is too much at all. My husbands mother calls all the time (maybe 5x per week). I do admit that it bothered me at first but I guess I just got used to it or something because it doesn't bother me at all anymore. My mother calls about once a week but we do see my family more often because they only live 15 minutes away where his family lives over an hour away.

I also don't understand why he would never visit. How long have they been married and how many times has he visited you since hes been married? I don't expect my husband to never visit his family. At first I was really shy and nervous around them because I'm just not very good in social situations but I'd go over there anyways at least once in a while.

Do you have extended family or friends you can invite for a big BBQ or something and tell them that everybody is coming over?

Does your son have a hobby? I ask becasue all my inlaws and my husband like off roading so sometimes we will all meetup in the desert to go. If he had something like that you would meet to do something which might make your DiL more comfortable since it isn't at your home and you wouldn't have to do as much conversing. I dunno, just a suggestion. :)

I wish you luck with this situation. :yes:

[thebelovedtree]

Thanks everyone. I believe this thread is a little frayed. MY DIL is not the problem nor is our interaction. OregonAmy got it going in this direction because of how she feels with her MIL. I have received alot of great advice and I am very appreciative. I have had my eyes opened by so many young women and how they feel about their husband's mother. It makes me sad, also. A few months ago I was one of you and now I am a MIL. I think all young women should take some time and think about that. This is your husband's mother for goodness sakes. She is the first women he loved in his life. Just as your father is the first man you loved in your life and unless your father was abusive, your husband will never be your father or share that special bond. Why do women feel they must take their husbands and fix them after they leave home and their mothers...and fathers??

Also, this is an old cliche but it does pertain. You have no idea what it's like until you have children of your own. Being able to impart advice about children and children's relationships for the most part does require the experience.

BTW, I no long feel badly. I now realize for all you younger women out there that this is the seems to be the style...automatic anxiety and antagonism towards a MIL. How sad because there is so much you can learn from your husband;s mother. Don't you understand? If you're lucky enough to have children, YOU WILL BE A MIL SOMEDAY, TOO!

Thanks again and God Bless Everyone,
iy

You might want to check with your son and DIL to see if there actually is a problem with your interactions, if you're making her uncomfortable it couldn't hurt to ask. Until recently my b/f's family had no idea that they were being rude/making me uncomfortable but my boyfriend's subtle hints that maybe asking me to gut turkeys and attacking my hair every time she sees me isn't the best way to better our relationship has actually made her bearable to hang out with.

I also don't think anyone has any special obligation to bond with their MILs, there is certainly an obligation to be nice, allow your husband to spend time with his family, etc. but certainly no obligation to be best friends, her new daughter or anything like that. I've certainly dated people where I was a part of their family and I loved their parents and it is a beautiful thing and a wonderful help to the relationship, but it isn't automatic, and personality clashes can and do happen.

I didn't start out trying to not get along with my boyfriend's family, initally I really wanted to love them, and have them love me but after almost 4 years of trying I've come to terms with the fact that it's not happening.