To date or not to date?

[ChelsRm007]

I'm kind of having a personal dilemma. It's kind of a long story, so I'll try to shorten it and just go with it. The person I love more than anything in the world lives in Germany. We met by chance in a foreign country, were together for a year and then departed our separate ways because we had to.
We still talk, those emotions are still there, but we understand that we can't really consider ourselves "together" until we are at least on the same continent (which won't happen until August 2006). We've talked about marriage, kids.. the whole nine yards, but understand this cannot happen for a while and we must be patient. Therefore, we are allowed to see other people casually with one main rule (how should I say... NO :hump: )..
So my question is should I date? I mean I have.. but it only lasts a couple weeks and all I can think about when I'm with the new guy is, "he's not ____." For example, there's this guy at work that I've gone out with a few times. We still flirt and I'm just wondering.. can I just tell him I want to have fun and THATS IT and really get away with it?
I feel bad. I feel guilty.. but just the same, going somewhere with someone or a warm hug makes me a little less miserable... until it comes to the part when they want to get serious and I have to let them go. I've got nine months until I see this person that is practically my fiancee and the question is should I casually date or not? I mean, we're really honest with each other and he goes out with girls occasionally, but obviously it's not serious and I'm not jealous because I know we're committed to each other.
I guess the point is I'm not trying to move on from him, I just don't want to be a recluse for the next nine months. Therefore, any advice on the subject of casual dating would be appreciated.. and I don't mean to offend any guys out there... my intention is not to use someone, but just get to know new people. Your thoughts?

[Erin]

I think you've answered your own question. It sounds like you've already committed to this guy in your mind (and he to you) and are just waiting it out until you can be together, but you'd like some kind of a social outlet in the meantime--it's completely understandable. In that case, dating other people seems both undesirable and unnecessary.

I'd look into attending gallery exhibits, joining a book group, doing volunteer work, going hiking, organize a stitch 'n' bitch... whatever suits your interests. You can have fun, build a network of friends for support and hugs, and you will be a much happier and saner person when you and your beloved finally reunite.

If a guy you meet seems interested, just be clear that you'd like to hang out as friends but that you're already spoken for romantically, so you'll both be on the same page. (Yes, you can get away with just having fun if the guy's OK with it not going any further; if the idea of staying "just friends" doesn't sit well with him, there are plenty of other people to spend time with and he'll likely look elsewhere for company anyway.)

I think you should definitely have a talk with your co-worker asap to clarify things and hopefully minimize any hurt feelings; if you've been flirting at the office and going out after work, you're giving him reason to think that you might become romantically involved (whether you've told him about your long-distance guy or not), and the longer you continue these behaviors the more disappointed he will be in the end. Besides being fair to him, the reality is that you work with this guy and you don't want him to be angry with you or feel like he needs to avoid you (or vice-versa), for obvious reasons.

I feel for you; it must be very difficult to be separated from your boyfriend for so long. Hang in there!

[VeganForHealth]

OMG, she's 18. ...Go sew your wild oats. What's wrong with you?


You'll have plenty of time for the virtues of monogamy when you get older.

Tell your boyfriend that you continually get tricked with false promises of acting work or something. ...Go live a little.

[Skylark]

VeganForHealth, sometimes people are fully capable of knowing their own minds when they are 18. I wasn't, but that's no reason ChelsRm isn't. If she chooses to bind herself to one man at this age, that's perfectly within her perogative. Like anyone else, ChelsRm and her boyfriend are wise to consult those who know them well before deciding to marry. I doubt most VBers qualify as people who know her well.

[Joe]

I think if you are as candid with your prospective dates--from the beginning--as you have been here, then there is nothing wrong with it. However, if you are going out with people and only later telling them that you are involved with another guy, then you are just using them.

If you want to go out with someone but just be friends, why not go out with another woman? There's nothing wrong with that.

[ChelsRm007]

Thanks for the advice. I do have a lot of friends that are girls, so maybe I will start going out with them more often. Yes, I'm young, but thats partly why my boyfriend and I are allowed to see other people... so that we can both see whats out there and then be more appreciative of what we have together and what it will take to truly be together. I'm generally pretty open to other guys that I do have someone.. in fact I've already pushed the guy at work away a couple of times, so it's definitely not a secret. I have a study "get together" with a guy tonight in one of my classes.. nothing serious... as usual, but thats the way it will have to be.

[VeganForHealth]

...Is he cute? If so, here's what you do.

...About halfway through studying, ask him if his feet are tired. He'll probably give you a puzzled look. So ask him again. "Are YOUR feet tired?"

When he's thoroughly confused tell him, "Because you've been running through my mind all day!". ...Then Jump his bones.

[ilovemydragon]

...Is he cute? If so, here's what you do.

...About halfway through studying, ask him if his feet are tired. He'll probably give you a puzzled look. So ask him again. "Are YOUR feet tired?"

When he's thoroughly confused tell him, "Because you've been running through my mind all day!". ...Then Jump his bones.


ROFL! :naughty:

[meatless]

Yeah, I was 18 when Mr. Meatless and I hooked up, and it's been seven years and we're more in love than ever. :)

[ChelsRm007]

Yes, he's cute. :D