"Housewife" is not exactly what I mean, though it's what my mother called herself. I mean I want to stay home, cook, raise my babies (and homeschool them while they're little) and write (freelance and the novels I feel trying surface within me). I've always wanted this. I work in an office now, and though I enjoy it somewhat, I know it's not for me forever.

However, whenever I mention this plan (getting married, quitting my job and staying home to write and be a mother) people (mainly women) assume I want to be a freeloader. I don't think that's what I'm talking about, but how do I make THEM see that? Or do you think wanting to stay at home IS freeloading on your spouse?

Those of you who work at home doing actual "office work" at home or "house/child work" at home--how do other women/men treat you? How do you describe what you do? How DID you describe it BEFORE you actually made the transition from worker (or college student, I suppose) to staying at home.

If you're dating someone and they say that they don't want to work outside of the house, what would you think? Would you be suspicious or would you be accepting and still want to date them? Are the only men who hope their wives stay home the super-religious or super-controlling type? ('Cause I don't want either as a mate).

I'm just worried that I'll explain my 'dream' life wrong and make women hate me and men not want to date me. What do you think?

I think calling oneself a stay-at-home-parent or a home-schooler is the current trend.

People will tend to form their opinions of what you do no matter what steps you take to shape those views. I personally think it's great that women (and, yes, men) can have the choice to stay home or work outside the home.

Some of those who might call you a freeloader will secretly be jealous. Some will consider you a traitor.

I've worked from home for 6 years or so, for convenience and now because we no longer have a local office. I've not however had the privilege of caring for kids.

Were I to date someone who said she didn't want to "work outside of the house" I'd be surprised in 2005, but would explore that with her to see just what her motivations were. If she wanted to, say, roll our own once then adopt a family of 4 orphans and work as an AR activist, that'd be one thing. Having Peg Bundy as a role model, or anything involving a mumu, would be another.

has already been stated, people will judge you from where they sit in the world.
Good luck if you do it and I know my children worship their mother for the sacrifices that she laid down for them for so long.

has already been stated, people will judge you from where they sit in the world.
Good luck if you do it and I know my children worship their mother for the sacrifices that she laid down for them for so long.


I agree with that. I love both of my parents but my mom sacrificed a lot by being a stay at home mom.

I think you just need to be sure, and keep yourself busy and fulfilled no matter what you choose :)

:lol: @ the mumu.

Veggiewriter, I understand perfectly. I am 19 and a "homemaker." I can't use stay at home parent because I haven't any kids. What I do is clean, cook, work on my writing, help my brother with his homework, make sure he's clean, do any household paperwork, balance the checkbook, do the family budget, etc etc. Other women my age cannot understand me at all. I get the **** end of the stick because even other housewives/stay at home moms/whatever call me lazy and say I should be in college or something. It's ridiculous. Luckily most people do respect what I do especially after I list my duties and responsibilities. All the haters seem to be feminist women and if you ask me, they have feminism backwards anyway. It's about choice: choosing to stay home is just as valid as choosing to go to an outside job.

I happen to think staying at home to provide for the family is excellent. In fact, I think it's making a comeback. I know a few families who, especially after 9/11, decided to have one parent home at least part-time.

Finding a man will be a challenge...but it isn't a challenge anyway? :lol: I don't think it's something to blurt out on first dates anyway. Perhaps you can drop a line and say that you'd want to be home when you have kids. When the relationship does get serious then I think it's time to seriously discuss it. The important thing is to get your true intentions across: you want to make your house a home, live your dream, and provide a stable loving environment for both of you. I think some men definitely agree to their wives staying home and then regret it or express disatisfaction after a while. The quick fix is to let them stay home for a few days and have them take everything while you go out. He will LOVE you and worship the ground you walk on when you get back. That's what happened to two of my friends haha.

As long as you're happy and your spouse is happy, eff what everyone else thinks. Explain to them what you do, why it's important to you and if they bitch, screw them. It's not their home or their family. :)

Maybe you need to emphasize the writing part, especially at this point, where you don't have a husband or kids, so it can seem a bit off to dream of being a stay at home mom, where you're not even a mom at all yet. But what if you tell people that you hope to be a freelance writer or a novelist and then talk about the benefits of how that will later allow you to stay home with your children?

Personally I wouldn't date someone who wanted to be a stay at home mom, but that isn't because I would be suspicious.

Housewife Househusband - home technician. Awesome.
It seems so many people with children are eager to give them away to a child minder all day so they can pursue their career away from home.
Why have children to let someone else bring them up?
what more important career than developing your child?
Personally I'd rather spend more time with my children than at work. What you going to think on your deathbed? Glad I spent all that time at work & had a bigger house or wish I'd enjoyed my kids more?
I fully support my wife's decision to stay at home while the kids were young. I would of stayed home if I could of!
Now the kids are getting a little older my wife has gone back to work part time.
Personally I admire a woman or man who is a home technician. It is a full time job. B*gger what anyone else says...

>>However, whenever I mention this plan (getting married, quitting my job and staying home to write and be a mother) people (mainly women) assume I want to be a freeloader. I don't think that's what I'm talking about, but how do I make THEM see that? Or do you think wanting to stay at home IS freeloading on your spouse?>>

They are mistaken...domestic labor is still labor.

>>
If you're dating someone and they say that they don't want to work outside of the house, what would you think?>>

I wouldn't be suspicious, but I'd tell them good ****ing luck living on my student loans. :)

ebola

I work at home, as does my husband. We have only experienced prejudice from my folks, who seem to think we don't actually work. In addition to our paying work, we have an enormous number of projects. My husband is restoring a vintage truck, and I'm trying to raise some of our own food, and restoring our small piece of degraded ranch land. We're both trying to work toward a greater degree of self-sufficiency, so we're getting into making passive solar devices and learning about photovoltaic power. On and off I paint, sculpt,write, and play the hammered dulcimer. My husband is starting another business, an animation company, which I am involved with as well.

Life at home can be as varied and involving as life at a job - moreso.

I think working outside the home initially may be a good idea, I'm glad I was able to have a career before I had a home business. I think it gives one a little more life experience.

Personally I wouldn't date someone who wanted to be a stay at home mom, but that isn't because I would be suspicious.
I wouldn't date a man who <3s unicorns :lol: j/k


Anyway, I understand how you feel, I'm 19 and I'm in college for baking but I feel like thats something I would do until I have (adopt?) children, and then I would just work out of my home here and there. I think if thats what makes you happy then you should do it and if other people think you're a free loader then they can go live their life like they want to and leave you alone.
I just don't talk to anyone it doesn't directly impact about my plans, though most sahms I know tell me that people are jealous that they get to stay home and actually raise/spend time with their children.

Well, obviously I can't homeschool until I have children. And I wouldn't want to have kids right after being married. So, I suppose what I'm wondering is: Is it "okay" for a women to hope that her (future) husband provides enough monetary support that she can make the home "homey" and pursue her dream of writing? Or really, is that crazy selfish of me and should I knock it off, focus on writing in my spare time, and only if I become successful enough to support myself financially should I even consider quitting my office job--married or not. ?

I guess I'm just thinking of my mom and my cousins--they were/are at home with spouses right after being married and they focus(ed) on cooking and gardening and volunteer work and babies once they came. And I want that too. I always expected that life, growing up. However, the primary reason they lived like that was because of religion (man provides for woman because God says to love your wife; woman must do everything that man says because God says wives are subordinate, etc.)--and I don't want that. If I want a modern, equal relationship, does that mean I need to give up this idea that I can stay home pre-children? Does being equal mean that both partners must bring in significant amounts of money?

This is obviously not something I bring up during dates, but eventually I'm going to have to discuss it with a potential spouse, and I'm just not certain it's even a 'valid' lifestyle for someone who wants an equal marriage. Staying home with children might be, sure, but what about before? I'm not looking to be 'kept,' I just want to focus on the home and my writing. Maybe that IS being kept. Hmmm...

(Oh, and my office is primarily women. We work in HR. If anyone in the company takes time off to have a baby, they're talked about if they take more than 4 weeks off. I think it's ridiculous. I mean, even if I were to come back to work after having a baby (which I don't plan on) I'd take the full 12 weeks allowed by law (assuming I'm eligible for FMLA); but these women seriously think that taking more than 4 weeks is unneccessary. They all have kids, too. It's just so weird. I'm not like that and I don't want to be.

If she wanted to, say, roll our own once then adopt a family of 4 orphans and work as an AR activist, that'd be one thing. Having Peg Bundy as a role model, or anything involving a mumu, would be another.

I can imagine myself writing stories while sitting in my pjs, I suppose, but no mumu.

But yes, having the opportunity to devote more of myself to the cat rescue I volunteer for (but which can't afford any paid employees) would be wonderful! I'd LOVE it.

Is it too selfish of me to think about?

This is obviously not something I bring up during dates, but eventually I'm going to have to discuss it with a potential spouse, and I'm just not certain it's even a 'valid' lifestyle for someone who wants an equal marriage. Staying home with children might be, sure, but what about before? I'm not looking to be 'kept,' I just want to focus on the home and my writing. Maybe that IS being kept. Hmmm...


Clearly it is being kept and clearly it is not an equal marriage.

So, you really think that keeping the house, cooking, volunteering for causes that can't give you a paycheck, and trying to MAKE money (though not guaranteed) by writing a novel is definately being 'kept' and makes you worth less than your spouse? Really? I just...I just don't feel like I'm a leech or anything. Of course, I've so far always worked for my own living, so as of yet, I haven't been leeching. But growing up, it didn't seem like my mother was taking advantage of my father by staying home. She was, however, lorded over---but I think that was because in her mind my father was 'ordained by God' to be her master. If I don't buy into the bit, would that really make me an unequal partner? Is it really about money, this whole marriage thing? This is discouraging. I just hope I win the lottery and then both of us can do whatever the hell we want to all the time every day. Shoot.

I consider myself a housewife and I love it. I work at the office my husband works at four hours per day as the 'office girl' but there really isn't much to do.

My husband has a much greater earning potential than I ever will. I chose not to go to college as my mother died the year I graduated high school and stayed home to help care for my younger sister and father. So I am pretty good at the domestic stuff.

So it works out wonderfully in our marriage. I take care of all the grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, laundry, yard work while my husband is at work. He has respect for me and I never feel like his maid - we are partners and each one of us does what we do best. He is not controlling or super-religious. I realize this may not always be the case - if something were to happen to his job I would go back to work full time in a minute. But for now it is not necessary.

So Veggiewriter - I think your goal of staying home is totally respectable if that is what you want and you make it work in your relationship. I wouldn't worry about other people's judgements. It is YOUR life you should live it however you chose!!!

Housewife Househusband - home technician. Awesome.
It seems so many people with children are eager to give them away to a child minder all day so they can pursue their career away from home.
Why have children to let someone else bring them up?
what more important career than developing your child?
Personally I'd rather spend more time with my children than at work. What you going to think on your deathbed? Glad I spent all that time at work & had a bigger house or wish I'd enjoyed my kids more?
I fully support my wife's decision to stay at home while the kids were young. I would of stayed home if I could of!
Now the kids are getting a little older my wife has gone back to work part time.
Personally I admire a woman or man who is a home technician. It is a full time job. B*gger what anyone else says...

:up: i agree.

Being a husband and a teacher I have a few comments and opinions about this. Some might not be agreed upon by all and others may, but hell opinions are like A**holes we all have them 
I do not want to judge anyone and of course the financial burden of a one income household is way to much for many in this world we live in, but given a choice I would absolutely want my child to be raised by a stay at home parent. It could be a mother or a father, but until a child is school age I think a parent should ideally raise them. I also think the parent that raises them should have some kind of part-time job, or do philanthropic work. From watching friends who are full-time parents I see the way that lack of adult interaction affects them. It might just be a one day five hour a day job, but it does help to keep the mind sharp and give the parent a sense of worth (other then raising a child, which has so much inherent worth).
As a school teacher living in NYC I do not make enough of an income to support my wife and I if we have a child. We would need some sort of second income or I would have to take a second job. Luckily I get home early enough everyday that my wife could take part-time job and let me prepare the dinner, serve the dinner and help with homework (when needed) and then she would come home and we could spend some quality time with the child/children.
But as a teacher I think being there when you can is a huge thing for your child, and if you have the ability to do so I would highly recommend one parent being a full-time parent.

Well, obviously I can't homeschool until I have children. And I wouldn't want to have kids right after being married. So, I suppose what I'm wondering is: Is it "okay" for a women to hope that her (future) husband provides enough monetary support that she can make the home "homey" and pursue her dream of writing?
Of course it's okay to hope. I don't know that I want to meet someone who *doesn't* have hopes and dreams. Be careful, though, that you don't find yourself in a position where you *can't* support yourself and have to latch onto someone because you have to to survive.

I knew a woman who had one daughter (by a first husband) in college, and a younger one by her second husband, who was a real bum. When he lost his job, he pretty much bummed around and took whatever few bucks their daughter earned helping people clean after their animals, etc. He actually set a quota for this. He's known to have been into drugs, and while unemployed bought a $5000 cobra. The woman talked about leaving him, but it took her a very long time to actually do it. She was brought up to be a wife and homemaker, and admitted that she didn't know how to do anything else. She was distinctly religious, which may or may not have had something to do with it. When she finally did leave with her daughter, she got a customer service job and last I heard was doing okay.

My point here is that you don't want this to happen to you. Make sure that you have the proverbial Something To Fall Back On.
Or really, is that crazy selfish of me and should I knock it off, focus on writing in my spare time, and only if I become successful enough to support myself financially should I even consider quitting my office job--married or not. ?
It's not selfish of you to want that, but of course you need a supportive family. I'd suggest holding on to that office job until you're in a position where you know for sure that you'll be okay financially/situationally if you leave it.
I guess I'm just thinking of my mom and my cousins--they were/are at home with spouses right after being married and they focus(ed) on cooking and gardening and volunteer work and babies once they came. And I want that too. I always expected that life, growing up. However, the primary reason they lived like that was because of religion (man provides for woman because God says to love your wife; woman must do everything that man says because God says wives are subordinate, etc.)--and I don't want that.

I personally wouldn't want someone who defaulted to a submissive role like that, for those reasons.
If I want a modern, equal relationship, does that mean I need to give up this idea that I can stay home pre-children?
Not necessarily, but I'd be careful - there certainly are guys out there who are looking for a servant, and you also want to know for sure what this guy's going to be like to live with before you leave your job. Working until children would also help you both put away a nest egg. As a single homeowner, I'm nervous about the prospect of losing my job. In a situation like that, having a savings buffer and a spouse who could help out at least until I found another job would be great.
Does being equal mean that both partners must bring in significant amounts of money?
No. But it depends on the two people involved. I want a spouse who contributes to the household and/or the planet. That contribution could be financial, or it could be something like actively caring for kids, being a half-time AR activist or vegan outreacher, etc. Working on a novel would be fine; letting it gather dust at 10% completion wouldn't. I've been in a situation where my spouse quit her job to stay home, and rather than persue agricultural, educational, mental health, and homemaking goals, spent all of her time playing solitaire and watching TV. I am in no way saying that you would do this, but as a guy with a regular job am saying that I'd be very careful to not get into that position again.
This is obviously not something I bring up during dates, but eventually I'm going to have to discuss it with a potential spouse
Absolutely. Make sure that a potential spouse is someone that you like for who he is, and likes you for who you are, before you bring it up, so that you can weed out the oafs looking for a slave.
and I'm just not certain it's even a 'valid' lifestyle for someone who wants an equal marriage.
Hey -- if you contribute in some very real way that you're both comfortable with, it's entirely valid.
Staying home with children might be, sure, but what about before? I'm not looking to be 'kept,' I just want to focus on the home and my writing. Maybe that IS being kept. Hmmm...
I'd say that if you did nothing but look pretty and jump his bones at least once a day, you'd be kept. If you're actively making productive use of your time and talents, you'd not be kept.
(Oh, and my office is primarily women. We work in HR. If anyone in the company takes time off to have a baby, they're talked about if they take more than 4 weeks off. I think it's ridiculous. I mean, even if I were to come back to work after having a baby (which I don't plan on) I'd take the full 12 weeks allowed by law (assuming I'm eligible for FMLA); but these women seriously think that taking more than 4 weeks is unneccessary. They all have kids, too. It's just so weird. I'm not like that and I don't want to be.
In an office there will be gossip no matter what you do.
I can imagine myself writing stories while sitting in my pjs, I suppose, but no mumu.
:up: I'm writing this in my pjs, a benefit of telecommuting (yes, I usually do get dressed).
But yes, having the opportunity to devote more of myself to the cat rescue I volunteer for (but which can't afford any paid employees) would be wonderful! I'd LOVE it. Is it too selfish of me to think about?
No, IMHO it's not selfish. You'd be making a contribution, and maybe he'd be happy that by working a steady fulltime job he was able to help the cause by enabling you to devote a lot of time to it. But do be sure that you *can* get a job if you ever need to again, eg. if Mr. Wonderful gets killed by a toilet seat from a deorbiting space station.

Oh, and your cat rescue *does* alter their animals, right?

So, you really think that keeping the house, cooking, volunteering for causes that can't give you a paycheck, and trying to MAKE money (though not guaranteed) by writing a novel is definately being 'kept' and makes you worth less than your spouse? Really?
remilard does. That doesn't mean that everyone else does or that it's an axiom.

we all have them 
Hey, what the heck is that symbol?

Hey, what the heck is that symbol?
The image is an evil moon (I call it that) which I stole from Valentino Rossi who I believe is the greatest motorcylce roadracer who ever lived helmet. One side is an "Evil Moon" the other a "Happy Sun".
At one time I thought of getting it as a tattoo on my calf.
http://images.google.com/images?q=rossi+moon+images&hl=en&btnG=Search+Images

>>Clearly it is being kept and clearly it is not an equal marriage.>>

Is this necessitated, though? What if monetary decisions still occur on a purely egalitarian basis, even though only one works outside of the home?


ebola

Personally I wouldn't date someone who wanted to be a stay at home mom, but that isn't because I would be suspicious.

If they wanted to be a stay-at-home parent and had a neat, tidy house or apartment, I wouldn't worry.

If they wanted to be a stay-at-home parent and lived like a slob, alarm bells would be raised.

Just my $.02

Clearly it is being kept and clearly it is not an equal marriage.
rubbish

Assuming the woman is staying home by choice, she's not being "kept". As far as equality, there's far more to that than your salary.

I think that being a stay at home spouse is great as long as you're not sitting and eating bon bons and watching your stories (although sometimes you just have to.) I do think that it is something you must discuss with your future spouse and of course if their income cannot comfortably support you, you should probably have some sort of income or get your novel on the best sellers list soon! I do think it would be a scary topic to discuss REALLY early in a relationship but then again if the first date conversation is boring having a discussion about stay at home spouses (male or female) could let you know if you want a second date!

If they wanted to be a stay-at-home parent and had a neat, tidy house or apartment, I wouldn't worry.

If they wanted to be a stay-at-home parent and lived like a slob, alarm bells would be raised.

Just my $.02

I would have to disagree because if they are living alone in their house or apartment while you are dating them they probably have a job and perhaps are going to school among other things. I know I live like a slob when I am really busy with working and school but if I have a weekend where I'm not running around like a chicken with my head cut off, my place is very nice and tidy.

Also my mother was a stay at home mom for years and our house was never tidy. Mind you there 8 people living there and numerous pets. While some moms focused on making sure their houses were presentable my mom focused on bussing us around to all the activities we were in and helping us do homework. We had "cleaning days" where our house would be nice and tidy but overall it was never something to be shown off to Home and Gardens.

[/end off topic rant and personal account :sealed: ]