i know this is a really sensitive subject, but post if you want to or not if you don't feel comfortable.

i just got back from a seminar about relationship violence and the like and was just wondering if anyone here has dealt with it (or sexual harassement) - verbally, physically, emotionally, etc... and what, if anything, you did about it.

i've been sexually harassed in the work place before and looking back i should have done something - he was a manager and it was really, well, not right, obviously. it was mainly verbal but there was butt grabbing and unnecessary rubbing up against me and crap.

relationship wise, i've dealt with more than i care to mention here now...

Let's see *total hypothetical*

I think it's about the ability to recognize your feelings and expressing them in a good manor instead of violence.

I think some people who are being abused stay with the other because they have a (in their view) good reason to stay.
Like they are all ready tip-toeing in their live and don't know how to handle moving out, or money etc.

Very though subject.

Emotional abuse is a very special kind that is underrated imho.

I was in an abusive relationship for 2 years. I was 19 and it was not the first time I had encountered abuse. I was raped at 15 by a boyfriend , and got no support from my family. I never reported the rape. I would move from one abusive relationship to the next. The last relationship before my husband was pure hell. I finallly had him arrested for beating me to where I couldn't work for 2 weeks. I went to the first court appearence and at the second one, he never showed up. My husband was my "knight in shining armor" I'd probably be dead if it weren't for his help ( I'm not trying to sound dramatic). I share this because I hope it might help someone else. There is nothing shameful about having been abused, I would not be where I am today had it not happened. If there is anyone not comfortable dicussing this matter here, you can vegmail me.

I was married to a physically and emotioally abusive husband for 7 years. I tried for the last 3 to leave and chickened out each time cancelling with the lawyer at the last minute. I stayed because I was too afraid to leave. He always said he'd cut me up in little pieces and that no one would ever find me if I left. He also said if he can't have me know one else will..he'd make sure no one would want me. I was controlled through out the relationship. It happens so gradually over time that I didn't even really realize how controllled I was until years later when I could finally see clearly through all the emotions. I finally got up the courage to leave after a good choking that bruised my wind pipe. I figured that he was going to kill me if I stayed or if I left and at that point really didn't care if I died. I had secretly been saving money off to the side and pretty much took nothing but clothes with me when I initially left. It made it a lot easier to leave not having kids (and my having a good job). He did try and hold my dog hostage though...I had to get him back in the middle of the night'; protecting myself with a hammer as I snuck in.

I am in such a good place now as compared to when I left 6 years ago. I'm very safe and secure; both physically and mentally. He's rehabbed and has apologized to me (part of the make amends step I suppose). I still have nightmares from time to time and wake up crying in my sleep for no reason. I'd imagine that will pass in time.

The part of my experience that I am most grateful for is that I truly appreciate the relationship I have now and the way I'm treated like a princess :D Good things do come to those who wait! Also, every chance I get I teach the girls around me (step daughter, niece, friends daughters) about the importance of being independent and self-sufficient so that she doesn't feel the need to have to stay with anyone for any reason. I speak of my experience to people who ask in hopes that it may help them. And I know what signs to look for if someone I love is in an abusive relationship. I'll totally be there to help when the time arises.

I've made sure to tell my 14 year old brother too about my physical abuse. My son will be told as well, when he's older. It's important to teach the young males around us about abuse. My husband is the most sweet and protective man I know, his parents taught him well. His dad would have kicked his ass if he ever hit a woman. I'm proud of all women brave enough to share their experiences, let's hope it helps others.

I second that punkmamma! *hugs*

Originally posted by MsRuthieB
He's rehabbed and has apologized to me (part of the make amends step I suppose).

er..how to put this....

Have you "forgiven" him, or how do you feel towards him now?

When I read you still have nightmares, I see you are not "over it ".

(if such a thing exists)

It's been really hard to forgive. But, yeah I'm still working on that. I'm probably about 90% there. I'll forgive, but I won't forget. Strangely, I feel sorry for him. He had a pathetic, miserable life growing up as a kid. Came from an abusive home himself. He still has trouble holding a job because he can't control his temper, and is currently living in his mother's basement at 45 years old. I don't see him becoming much of anything or ever hooking up with someone who will put up with his crap like I did. He'll probably grow old alone and bitter. I would hope not; but I have a gut feeling that he will. That's very sad to me.

I've been blessed with many many people who love and care for me. And, like my dad say's, I have a knack for falling in a pile of crap and coming up smelling like roses. Mom says I have a guardian angel. Anyhow, I don't want to carry around hard feelings of hate for him or anyone...that only serves to take away more of my happiness that I currently have. I've already dedicated too much of my life to him to let bad feelings effect my current relationship (which it would if I let it). I guess that's a part of what helps to work through what emotions I've had. I've let alot of it go; sort of set it free if that makes sense. I see myself as a new person now as compared to then. I feel sorry for that old person I was from time to time but try not to dwell. Living in the present is the most hardest thing I've ever attempted.

Your a very admirable lady, MsRuthieB... :wayne:

Thank you :D

PS...I really like you 1Vegan. You're such a sweetie :)

And it's not to "brown nose".

Making such a change....will power...BIG...will power.

When your down, it seems easier to clime the statue of liberty than to change the circumstances your in. {added: climbing on the outside}

I admire Punkmommy too.

When I was 15, I was repeatedly raped by my boyfriend. I didn't tell anyone because I thought it was my fault, and I "loved" him and didn't want to see him get in trouble (Ha.)

I learned.

One girl I dated tried to push me down a staircase. I broke up with her after that (and discovered later that she broke her next girlfriend's nose, got her fired, wrecked her car....)

I also used to date someone that was emotionally abusive and manipulative. Again, I thought it really was my fault. That I really was incompetent, irresponsible, and deserved all the things he said.

Again, I learned.

It's just too bad I had to learn the hard way.

Except for the emotionally abusive person, all those other people I have not seen in years, and don't intend to ever again. They simply don't exist to me anymore, and have no power over me.

The emotionally abusive person is getting help and we've been able to maintain a very good friendship for quite awhile now. He has never treated me like that again.

Funk, I think this was a really great idea for a post, because it's something that is out there and talked about, but also not really talked about. I know I haven't personally talked about it to very many people.

I was in a physically abusive relationship for a while when I was a senior in HS. My boyfriend had been one of my really amazing friends and I had been dating him for at least 4 months or so before any abuse started(which also happened to be around the time I decided to go away to college instead of staying close to home---I think that was one of the things that really upset him) At the time, I didn't tell a soul. My father was mayor of our medium sized town at the time, and I felt as if I'd be making a bad name by creating a really big, uncomfortable situation. Plus, I have this thing where I hate making people feel uncomfortable. Towards the end of our relationship, this boyfriend also raped me because I kept telling him I wasn't ready to have sex. I was afraid to leave the relationship because he threatened me and said he'd make me really unhappy with the decision to leave him. I figured I would just hold out until that August when I would be going away to college. Pretty much, going away to school saved me. Throughout my four years, I would get messed up letters and random calls from him. I hated going home for visits in fear I'd run into him. It kind of screwed me up a bit in the whole trusting of guys area for a while.

My soph. year at college, I started volunteering at a Women's Support and Resource Center and was trained in counselling and volunteered on a hotline there for the rest of college. The only times I've really told many people about any of this was at a Take Back the Night thing once and to a few people at the Resource Center. I think working on that hotline really helped me to heal certain parts of me. I still randomly get nightmares and every now and then if someone surprises me by coming up on me or if someone makes a fast movement, I'll flinch for a split second. I hate that someone was able to affect me that deeply...I'm 26 and still dealing now and then. But, working on that hotline was a HUGE help and a major healing process. And, I think I am a stronger and smarter person because of everything. I really really really want to one day have the time and money to start a Battered Women's shelter(s) There are so many of these needed.

Thank you guys so much for letting me vent...phew...didn't realize how much I needed that. Just wanted to let you all know how awesome, caring, and overall great people you are. I'm sorta a newbie and just wanted to let ya all know how kind you all are:)
Thanks again!

I've never been in an abusive relationship like any of you, but I agree with what 1vegan said, that emotional abuse is a special kind of abuse. I've been verbally abused by my father for as long as I can remember. He's an alcoholic and has violent tendencies, and he has hit us before, but it's not a common thing. When I was 5 he got angry with me and picked me up and threw me, and I hurt my neck badly, and it's been the same ever since. A month ago, he pulled a knife on my younger brother and threatened him, and he was put in jail for 48 hours. I'm not good at talking about it, because I've dealt with it all my life, so it's not so big a deal anymore, but I know for a fact that the abuse I've endured has ruined parts of me. Maybe one day I'll heal, but it will be a while.

I did date a really manipulative guy for a while, and I sometimes feel as if he raped me. Not with physical force, really, but he did coerce me into having sex with him 2 days after I even met him, and I know I would never normally do something like that.

But the past is in the past, I guess. *shrug*

I really admire all of you, and you all deserve respect.

I feel as though as emotional abuse is definitely a special kind of abuse and just as destructive as physical abuse. It takes its toll in a different way. It is also harder to approach and isn't talked about as much publically because there aren't always as many distinct definitions on what constitutes as "abuse" ...Healing definitely does take a long time...the past is the past, all people can do about it sometimes is to learn from it respect themselves and each other and to use what is learned to protect future generations from that same type of abuse and hurt. There are a lot of really strong people here....

this is a topic deal to my heart for personal and academic reasons. If anyone is interested in a good read about this topic, try It could happen to anyone:Why battered women stay by Barnett and Laviolette or the Battered Woman by Walker.

I know a lot of people who are able to forgive their abusers, but not me. It's been 4 years but I still wish him dead. If my husband were to find him he would be. My husband, Eric, has taken this personally. We all had lived in the same house together (my abuser, Eric, and another roommate). He feels some sort of responsibility for not having known about the abuse and for not being able to step in and help. Eric has dreams about what he would do to this person, we do not go to Philly, Eric can't relax when we're there, he's constantly looking. I wish I could help him more cope with this, has anyone else had this experience?

Hmmmm...yes I've been in a relationship with an alcoholic. And my relationship with my Dad was abusive (physically). When someone asked me a few weeks ago if I was dating, I said, "Hmmm...no, I learned so early how to have bad relationships with people. This is the first time I've been free to explore myself in a long time. And I feel that learning how to have a healthy relationship with someone...should start with something a little bit smaller than a romance." That said, I agree with someone above that as awful at it sounds, abusers attract people who for some reason 'need' to be abused. Abusers are pretty much abusive from the outset, and the person who gets involved knows that. The chemistry is the first attraction generally, and the chemistry is generally danger. That's the attraction.

People who have been abused tend to continue with abusive relationships because it creates order in their world. They believe they deserve abuse otherwise they would have to admit that the orriginal abuser was wrong...and really did something awful...and eeek...most important and hard to admit, that they deserve only the best in any relationship. It's easy in other words...so much easier than changing one's entire life view and moving into the life you deserve...to get caught up in the drama and excitement of abuse.

The only thing I reccomend in the end is making a concious choice to create and support sane and healthy situations and relationships in your life. For me this meant and means on a daily basis, going against everything I was raised to embrace and believe. Which is hard. It's easier just to continue in 'sameness.' Sameness, no matter how dangerous it is to you...feels after all, very safe. But I do that, because there is no way I will raise my daughter to embrace and believe the things I was taught. And there's no way I can continue to believe...ever again, that I simply deserved what I got...either as that little girl who was horrified and in pain or as a beautiful, grown up woman.

That's my take on it...it's really not about the abuser...because people who suck will always be out there. It's about the abused, the people who keep giving them power, importance and an audience.

B

Wow punkmommy...I'm sorry this is a continual problem in your life. Remember you still give him importance and power over you by keeping him alive to the extent you are. When people 'forgive' the abuser, it's not really at all about being self-sacrificing or overly kind. That kind of forgiveness simply means moving on. Refusing to give that person power over you anymore and bringing closure to the situation in your own life. In other words, peace. Forgiveness is as much about self preservation as it is about the other person. The hate and anger hurts you...and as you see is hurting your relationship. And means that awful person still has power over you in some way.

The best to you punkmommy...I hope the two of you can move out of this place.

B

Forgiveness isn't a feeling. It's a decision.

Amen to that life, you're right, for me, forgiveness (at leat initial forgiveness) was a decision and something I had to decide every morning for months. Finally, after a year or so, came real actual moving on forgiveness and wishing him the best.

It's not a pie in the sky decision either. It's plain old ordinary everyday hard work. LOL.

I was never abused physically, but when I was younger my dad screwed with my head a lot. He dragged my mom through a painfully long, grueling divorce when I was three and accused her in court of having borderline personality disorder (which she doesn't!). My mom was with my stepdad at that point and he had to spend his entire savings paying for the legal fees. My dad was unemployed so he qualified for legal aid. My mom had a good job, and she didn't.

So when he'd get a visit with me and my brother he'd try to manipulate us into hating my mom and stepdad. I was 6 at that point and the first time I came back home, he'd had such an impression upon me that I was actually terrified of my parents. Not to mention that he'd taken us to McDonald's ( :spew: ) at least 3 times a week, and I'd been there for 8 weeks. At 6 years old, I'd put on 10 pounds. This was about 1/5 of my former weight! My brother did too.

He did a whole lot of other crap, but that really sticks out in my mind. Luckily, my parents put us in counselling after that incident and we realised what he was doing.

He made me generally miserable until I was 14, when he met a woman he wanted a family with and went in and out of my life. Then he tried to come back when I was 17, and I told him to screw off. It was a very proud moment for me :)

ive never been in an abusive relationship but wow i really admire all you guys for going tho what you did and turning out to be such great people !

I block out a lot so I can say a little. It is like I remember going over to a house, as a teen saying no then I was home in between is gone. Honestly that type of thing has happened a few times. My first few long-term bfriends told me that everyone hated me but them. The second we would get drunk and get into really physical fights. A few months after we broke up for the last time he would stalk me. He would show up at my work and either say how much of a B**** I was or ask me to marry him. I still get really scared when my hubbie gets mad and brakes things even if he has not hurt me in any way and I know he wont. Anyway I usually do not share anything like this.

Oh yes, I was emotionally abused for a little while. Fortunately for me, I was able to recognize it and escape it before it got too far. I dated the guy only 5 months, and he was the one to break it off in the end anyway. I was the one who told him no, I wouldn't marry him. He was foreign and actually tried to coerce me into marrying him "for love" so he could get his Green Card and live here permanently. I was kind of brainwashed, and he tried to control my thoughts and isolate me and he ridiculed me a lot and put me down. OH man, I could write about it forever. Actually, I already have a lot in my online journal. I am very familiar with all of those sickening feelings and offensive actions and horrible emotions that result from abuse like that. It REALLY sucks. Damn...... Yea... so anyway... it happens. It happens a lot more frequently than people think because emotional abuse is so subtle, hidden and undetectable. It's so brainwashing. I think it can happen to even the strongest of people without them even realizing it.

:down: