I think my boyfriend is in danger of becoming full-on anorexic and I don't know what to do. He only eats once a day or less. He is SKINNY...137 lbs...his ribs are sticking out and he won't even let me see his body w/o his shirt and when he does he says he is disgusting and fat. I can't understand. He makes me feel bad for eating and for not being really thin. He barely lets me get the words out of my mouth to tell him how he looks good. I want to help him, but he doesn't want to talk about it. :cry: I care about him SO much and he is hurting himself and I feel like I am just watching. I cried today. I can't handle this.

I'm sorry. Coming at this from the other side, being the one who used to be anorexic, I want to stress that this isn't your fault, or something you are responsible for fixing, or any other feelings of guilt you may have.

I was fortunate enough to meet my husband around when I hit rock bottom, but I decided I couldn't live that way anymore--and he was so helpful in supporting my efforts to learn to treat myself better. But if I hadn't been ready, nothing he could have done would have helped.

It does bother me that he's criticizing your appearance (if I'm reading right), you shouldn't have to put up with that, even if he is struggling. I guess I'd suggest that you try to get him to consider counseling, and that you make sure you're taking care of yourself. Don't let his issues excuse treatment you don't deserve, and please don't blame yourself.

Oh man, that's tough :(

How old? If you are close to his parents, you can have them intervene with you and get him help. If he's at the point where he's a danger to himself, he can be admitted to the hospital w/ their permission against his will (since you aren't married, they are typically still the next of kin permission people).

Good luck in any case. It's such a hard thing to deal with. If it helps, think of it as a drug addiction. If he was an addict, what would you do? Often, the same steps are used in this case to get him help.

No, he does not criticize my appearance. He tells me I am beautiful. It's just that him always not eating (we also do not eat together ever) causes my body image to crumble.

But, that is NOT even the issue. I care about him and it scares me. :(

*hug* I know how tough it is both to deal with an eating disorder and how it is to be close to someone with one.

Oh man, that's tough :(

How old? If you are close to his parents, you can have them intervene with you and get him help. If he's at the point where he's a danger to himself, he can be admitted to the hospital w/ their permission against his will (since you aren't married, they are typically still the next of kin permission people).

Good luck in any case. It's such a hard thing to deal with. If it helps, think of it as a drug addiction. If he was an addict, what would you do? Often, the same steps are used in this case to get him help.

He is not close to his parents, he lives with his grandmother. And she is kind of...b*tchy lol. He is 20. A hospital is not necessary at this point because he is not physically to the point where one would need a hospital. I just don't want him ever GETTING to that awful point. I am so upset. I want to hold him and tell him he is beautiful. But, he is extremely distant about the topic.

Unfortunately, there isn't a lot you can do. Which sucks, royally. :(

Hmm... a touchy subject that I can't say I'm qualified to give advice on, but if it helps, I'd be honest with him. Make it clear that you're worried about him and that you're concerned he might have an eating disorder, if you haven't already.

other than telling him your concerns and feelings, there isn't a lot that you can do.

if you want to learn healthy ways to help, i recommend looking into the nature of codependence so that you can avoid it. then, you'll learn how to make good boundaries and how to support positive choices and behavoirs in your boyfriend.

As anorexia and bulimia in males carry more of a stigma in our society than for women, the anorexia of your boyfriend could end up becoming something even more problematic for him than it is for women, and that's saying something! (I don't think you should be putting the word in inverted commas.) I think your boyfriend needs professional help urgently. I would pack him off to a psychologist immediately.

I would pack him off to a psychologist immediately.

Unless he has a written legal statement naming her as his legal guardian, she is not allowed to admit him to a hospital without his consent in many places. His parents would have to do that (whom he is not close with).

I'm not talking about a hospital!! I meant he should go and consult a psychologist to talk over his issues. He has an ED and he needs psychological help as all people who have EDs do.

Someone should make an appointment with a psycholgogist for him if he refuses to do it himself.

I'm not talking about a hospital!! I meant he should go and consult a psychologist to talk over his issues. He has an ED and he needs psychological help as all people who have EDs do.

Someone should make an appointment with a psycholgogist for him if he refuses to do it himself.
You can't force someone to go to a psychologist, unless I am missing something.

You can't force someone to go to a psychologist, unless I am missing something.

^^what she said.

You still can't force someone unless you are the legal guardian (and typically people don't force others to go to an appointment).

If he does not want to go, then he will not go.

Get the info on eating disorders then show him a list of symptoms. Maybe you can find a recovered male anorexic to talk to him (check and see if there's a support group in your area).

You can't force someone to go to a psychologist, unless I am missing something.

Yes, you're missing something. Definitely.

If I had a loved one who was slowly killing him/herself, I would make an appointment for them at the psychologist, tell them I have done so, and accompany them for their first appointment and sit in the waiting room till they come out.

Now, if they still refuse to go, I'm obviously not going to knock them on the head and drag them there.

What I would do next is make an appointment for MYSELF, tell the psychologist what's going on and ask my boyfriend to accompany ME on MY appointment the following time.

I would not just sit back and watch them destroy themselves.

If that didn't work, I'd try something else...

basicly, what you're recommending will not work.

hav eyou heard the phrase "you can bring a horse to water, but you cannot make him drink?"

a friend of mine was a self-mutilator in high school. her parents knew about it and took her to a psychologist twice a week. my friend went, every week, and spent the whole hour making up stories and just basicly wasting everyone's time. she still continued to cut herself, and ultimately the psychologist told her parents that it was a waste of time. UNtil she wanted to get help, nothing they could do would help her. all they could do is be patient and support positive behavoirs--rather than entering into a codependent relationship with her, an enabling relationship with her which is tipified by the need to 'save' someone under the guise of 'it's right to do everything you can to help them' without recognzing that what you are doing truly isn't helping them. many years later, my friend went to the psychologist on her own and solved her problem.

what you're recommending is that people with appropriate boundaries--such that they allow people to make their own decisions, even bad decisions--are somehow inadequate or behaving improperly. what you are suggesting, to me, is a codependent relationship in which one person works to save the other, while the other doesn't wish to be saved. THe codependent thrives on the drama of the other's disorder (and not fixing it) and when the other does actually get on with their own healing, the codependent freaks because s/he is not needed.

i do not recommend behaving in a codependent manner. it is insidiously unhealthy and very difficult to overcome. But, you can help in healthy ways that don't involve codependence--and learning how to do that is more important than trying to find a way to force someone else into positive behavoir. appropriate boundaries and support will allow the person to make bad decisions until they decide to make good decisions for themselves.

Doesn't matter. I have a feeling I will be breaking up with him soon anyway. Did you ever realize while in a relationship, that you'd really be much happier alone and that onesself is more than enough company? I always keep thinking I NEED to be in a relationship in order to feel good...but the truth of the matter is, I feel better by myself. That is until I meet the right person, of course. But, if that doesn't happen than I don't care. I'm really...done caring.

I'm sorry, but how old are you? I mean, what you just said sound so immature. Two days ago you were crying, and you wrote HOW very much you care about him... and now, two days later you are done caring?
I'm sorry but that's a little bit funny. If you care THAT much about people, just don't post things like that- just wait two days and problem solved.
That's just a bit ridiculous, don't you think? :stinkeye:

i don't think it's ridiculous at all. if his mental issues are causing her to become self deprecating, maybe she needs to detach from him for her own sanity..

but after two days...?
I really don't mean to be malicious, but that is strange ...

When I was in 10th grade my boyfriend of two years started having questionable eating patterns and putting down my body image, telling me I was going to get fat for eating, etc. and I broke up with him because it was best for me and he wouldn't admit he had a problem. If hes not willing to change and help himself there is very little she can do but preserve her own sanity.

True.

I am not breaking up with him because of his eating disorder. There are other problems besides this. I DO care about him and the fact that I want to help him has not changed. I didn't mean to make it sound like I don't care about him. I just don't think we are right for each other. Wrong thread to post that in. Sorry. I should have kept this topic on his ED.

Oh, but now I understand Countess. It's good that you explained it. Thanks.