My boyfriend and I have been together for a year, and I really do love him, so very much. He is very cute and very loving, very kind to others, very helpful at times, and he's almost always willing to do what I want. He tells me he loves me all the time, wants the same kind of life I do, and tries to make me feel better when I am not happy. He bends over backwards for me a lot, and I know that he really loves me. It feels so natural when I am with him and I have a hard time getting mad at him- we get along like best friends. Sex is good, too.
He is, however, irresponsible at times. He borrowed a screwdriver from the downstairs (residence hall) desk and for that, he had to give his license. This was Friday and the screwdriver is still sitting in my room, meaning he's been without his license for a few days. He's driven once without it, and since then forgotten to return it. He is constantly forgetting things, and he can be so inconsiderate. Tonight my computer shut down and I asked him if he was going to stay online, he said yes. So I went through all the hassles of rebooting my computer, messing around with MSN, which was acting up...and then he just gets offline! He has also stood me up when he told me he would be somewhere or come get me, and not even bothered to call, although recently this has gotten better. He walks away from me when I'm taking too long to do something doesn't usually want to have any serious discussions- about the future, about beliefs, anything. He is 18 and I am 19, and I feel like I am a lot more serious about life than he is- for example, this semester he is taking 9 credit hours because his Calculus class was too challenging, and he has Bs in two of the other classes!!!! How can you have Bs when you only have 9 credit hours?!? He is also SO messy, his dorm room is horrible, and I'm thinking oh my, I can't live with you if you are going to be a filthy monster....
I don't know what to do. I really love him, he is as close to me as my family, if not closer. There is nothing I can't tell him and nothing he wouldn't help me through, but there are things I don't like about him. I've thought for a long time that I would marry him because he is wonderful in so many ways, but I'm having some doubts, which breaks my heart.
What do you think? Am I being too hard on him? Do you think he is still young, still adjusting to university life/whatever? I know that I can be demanding sometimes, :baby: and that I whine about things, so its not like I'm some perfect person...
I need some feedback...:bow:

Bs are bad? You may want to go easy on him in that dept; some people just can't get good grades. I would have loved Bs in Uni, myself.

But for the other things... if you really can't live with his forgetfullness, and his messiness, and his lack of taking things seriously, you may want to try to take a break from him for a while. Not break up, I mean, but try to spend a day without him, see what it's like. Try and think about ways where you could live with him as he is.

Has he changed over the course of the time you've been together?

Some boys just need some time to grow up. It happens. Not everybody has the same life experiences at the same instant.

If you're willing to be patient and not coddle him, then hang in there. If it's not what you're looking for or need, then bail out.

revel- I am willing to be patient with him, because I do love him. I just find myself sometimes being frustrated, wishing he would grow up. But he's only 18and I know this is his first year at college and he still has a lot of growing up to do. I keep hoping he will get more mature and change, but I don't know if that will happen, and I don't think its good to be in a relationship hoping someone will change, because they probably won't.
Elena- I guess I should not be so hard on him about his Bs, but he's not working all that hard and I think he could do better! I have 4 As and a B, so it not like I think Bs are bad, its the best I can do in that class- its just that I think he could do better in these specific classes, or try harder. He hasn't changed since we have been together, he's always been a little boy. He's very consistent in the things that he is good about, but he also is messy, forgetful, and can be inconsiderate. I don't know if these are just marks of immaturity, or if thats really him.

He sounds like a normal 18-year-old boy to me, and a nice one at that. Girls are generally more mature than boys at that age, so that's probably why he frustrates you sometimes. I think it's fine for you to express your displeasure when he does something that hurts you, but a lot of the irresponsible stuff he's just going to have to learn from as he continues to grow up.

Yeah. At 18, he's still trying to figure out whats what. He sounds like a typical 18 year old guy to me.
The messyness will get better. I remember my first year in a dorm. It was co-ed by floor, you could ALWAYS tell which floors were the mens floors just by the smell. It got BAD. I was always amazed by the number of guys who didn't even know how to do their own laundry, my roommate and I gave lessons on how to operate the washing machine a few times.
But you know what?
These guys matured eventually (well...relatively speaking....). By the time we all graduated four years later, the men and women were on a more level playing field maturity wise. Have a little patience! He'll grow up at his own pace when he's ready.

Honestly, the only thing that bothered me on that list was him walking away while you were "talking too long." That one would deserve a discussion.

Otherwise... it just sounds like that's the way he is. While he's likely to change and mature still, it doesn't mean it's going to be drastic. I know my bf's budgeting skills drive me nuts, but it's his problem, not mine. When he wants my help, he knows I'm here. I give suggestions at times because he's already told me he's open to them, but whether or not he follows my suggestions is his decision, and I'm okay with that. Even if I consider his decision wrong.

So... is it driving you absolutely batty, or is it just annoying? Does he make you happy? It doesn't sound that dire... but maybe that's because he has some of the same traits as my 31-year old bf. :p

I think a lot of things are just sort of boy things, and he is young still and some he'll work out for himself. Some they never quite work out ;)

My bf has some trouble keeping his room clean. Part of the problem is that he doesn't have enough room to put stuff away right, and it frustrates him and stresses him out when it starts to get messy and he sort of doesn't know where to start so he doesn't do anything for a while, then he gets sort of upset when he realizes it's gone too far. I tend to intervene at that point, and say "Hey, when you want to start cleaning, give me a call, and I'll come help you." Then he goes on about how he feels bad asking me to help, and I reassure him I'm volunteering, he breaks down and lets me help, its done in a half an hour and he's more relaxed and happy and its really not a big deal. Just a thought there.

The license thing, while irresponsible to drive without one, its not like it makes you a dangerous driver. If he gets pulled over and gets a ticket, well then, I guess he'll learn! As long as he isn't doing something that could result in him harming himself or others, he needs to make mistakes and learn from them. Same goes for the classes thing, he'll have to make up those credits sometime, and so when he's overloaded another semester, he'll learn to better budget his time.

The issue I would bring up with him is the communication thing. A lot of the time, it ISN'T deliberate, guys sometimes just zone out. I would sit down and explain "you know it hurts my feelings when you walk away when i'm trying to talk to you." It's very possible he doesn't even realize he's doing anything wrong. I wouldn't present it in an accusatory manner though, don't lay blame, just explain how you feel in the situation, and how you'd like for it to change. My bf hurt my feelings a few times when he said he'd come over, and he didn't until like 5 hrs after he said he would. Once I almost didn't let him in, but I knew if I didn't we couldn't work it out. I explained to him that I don't get angry if he can't do something, but don't TELL me that you're going to do something if you aren't. Or if you can't, then you call and just give me a heads up because I feel stupid waiting when you're not coming. Honestly, it took more than once before he got it, and I'm not sure that he does now except that now when it does happen instead of being all casual about it, he'll say up front "I screwed up, I'm sorry."

Want a guy's perspective? (Remember that your relationship is with one.) You may want to take a good look at your role in the relationship, and determine whether or not you're being controlling. It sounds to me like you do appreciate this relationship, but you might be in the constant habit of seeing what he does wrong and telling him about it. Is this true? You think you're only wanting what's best for him and that's why you get on to him so much, right? Constant criticism often kills a person's spirit. When this happens, the person may become complacent and depressed, passive-aggressive, or they may become rebellious.
You're in a relationship with this guy -- you are not his mother. His mother has already done the job of raising him. He'll become more mature on his own, but for this to happen all parties concerned need to step out of the way. I know that his leaving the screwdriver at your place really bothers you. Next time you see it, why not just say, "Oh yeah, you forgot to take this with you" and just leave it at that? If he's taking Calculus, truly finding it challenging, and getting B's in his other classes, I would say he's doing pretty well. There are classes you can take while you're taking 5 other classes. For all, but those who are very strong in Math, Calculus II is not one of those classes. But, it does not really matter if it's creative writing... Thing is, he finds the class challenging. Are you running down a laundry list of what you expect? If you are, toss it! Relationships are best when we act as each other's cheerleaders. He's doing great with the B's! You make it sound like the semester is not over, so get behind him and encourage him. Don't have the laundry list waiting at the end of the semester either. It's really hard, but you will need to drop it completely. You need to be happy with who you have -- right now -- rather than trying to ensure what comes out of the oven after college fits your expectations. Some women need high-wage corporate bots off the shelf, but you sound like you might appreciate someone with personality and ingenuity. He sounds like he could have it -- despite being so much like an average college boy who still leaves his dirty socks on the back of his computer chair. Be there for him.

The walking away from you when you talk too long or too in-depth could be any number of things. When I was his age, I did not like to go into talking about the future too deeply, because frankly, I did find college a little overwhelming and feared that I would not have the kind of future I dreamed of. I am a highly productive software engineer now, and quite happy with what I do. He does not need to be forced and pushed with a vengeance. He needs somebody there who sees his good points. Nonetheless, you probably should sit him down and NOT REPRIMAND him for walking away, but just letting him know how much it hurts when he does that. If he cares, he will listen. Talking about things like the future will probably take time. He may not know exactly what he wants right now. It's pretty easy to just agree with you and whatever you want. He obviously wants to please you. (And I think you definitely need to return the love -- in huge showers. Sex is good, but some guys care about words too. I've refused sex before, fully convinced the other person had no understanding or appreciation for me whatsoever.) When you do talk about the future, beliefs, etc, try to be sure your expectations are not wrapped all over it. I would run too if someone is looking for something that already agrees with their point of view or they're just going to jump all over it.

How well do you feel you know him in terms of expressing feelings, etc.? Other possibilities include that some people aren't comfortable expressing feelings, beliefs, etc. in general. Does he talk in depth with any of his friends? Is he more of a take life day-by-day sort? You may want to figure that out.

Another possibility is that he does not feel listened to. With my last girlfriend, her beliefs were different from mine. I would express that I did not really have the same beliefs about certain things that she did, then suddenly out of the blue, she would ask me a question based on the premise that her beliefs were mine as well. I started avoiding those discussions because I did not feel heard and the discussions made me angry. She was still around for a while after we broke up, and if she started a conversation about psychics or how I feel about the cotton ball on the floor, I would say that I was busy and did not have time to talk -- and generally, that was true.

In order to know for sure, you need to let him know gently how you feel about being walked away from. Hopefully, he can acknowledge that and change it. That part's not good for either of you.

Just be careful that you are not weighing him down with expectations from you. That can kill any relationship. If he can't meet your expectations (that happens), then move on rather than try to change him. Let us know how everything works out.

Froggy

Rainbowmoon - my relationship with my boyfriend sounds so similar to yours!
He is, however, irresponsible at times.....
He is constantly forgetting things, and he can be so inconsiderate......

My boyfriend is like that too, however he's gotten much better with it over time (we've been together 3.5 years now). There was this one time in particular I remember being stood up by him (not the only time! haha). So we had just started going out.. were were about 2 months deep. He was supposed to pick me up after school one day and spend the evening together like we did every weeknight. A few hours pass and still no sign of him, and I couldn't get ahold of him on the phone or the internet. At that point, we lived about 1/2 hour away from one another and I had no way of getting a ride to his house. It goes on like this for a few days and by the end of like the 5th night I finally got him to answer the phone. He told me he was sick... ok, that's understandable, but you should at least call someone to let them know you are sick and won't be able to keep your plans.. and at least let them know you aren't lying in the gutter somewhere! I was SO worried that whole week.. it was probably the worst thing I ever went through. Wow, he would kill me if he knew I was writing these things about him, hehe :devil:

Like I mentioned earlier, he's gotten better with it over time partly because I think he's maturing and partly because there have been times when I've given him a dose of his own medicine. It's sounds kinda (ok, REALLY) cruel, but sometimes I'll just "forget" to do something he asks me or "not listen" when he tells me something. :shifty: I think that after seeing how it feels to be let down a few times, he's started to pay more attention when needed.

I don't know what to do. I really love him, he is as close to me as my family, if not closer. There is nothing I can't tell him and nothing he wouldn't help me through, but there are things I don't like about him. I've thought for a long time that I would marry him because he is wonderful in so many ways, but I'm having some doubts, which breaks my heart.

This is very normal (umm, I think, hahah.. I mean, I went through it). You're going to continue to discover things about each other that really get under your skin. You really have to learn to ignore those little things and accept them as part of the whole package... unless of course it's something that's actually hurting the both of you like a hardcore meth addiction or something - I'm not talking about leaving used toothpaste in the sink, lol. It's really tough to accept all those annoying quirks in a person, don't get me wrong, so don't feel like you're doing something wrong. It takes time and even after you think you've got it all under control, they'll start doing something new that just drives you bonkers! It's all about patience, which you mentioned you have lots of for your boyfriend and it sounds like you guys have a very solid and caring relationship... you're on the right track, just hang in there.

I need some feedback...:bow:

Don't trash him on a bbs full of strangers would be a good start.

I wouldn't have put it quite as bluntly as Kirk, but yeah. If I were your boyfriend, I would find this thread a breach of trust.

eggplant, MEM, - I think he will mature as time goes on and I DO think some of this is just his age, particularly the messiness. I also realize he will have to learn from some things in order to gain maturity, and that I need to be patient with him while he grows up. Thats a good lesson.
Rabid_child, your post was right on cue. I think you are absolutely right that the only main issue is the communication problem, and that I need to explain myself when I am hurt, but not be a nag about the little things.
Froggy- Thank you for that. I realize that I should not voice my expectations about him quite so much. I want to clarify that he dropped Calculus, he has 3 BS classes now. The stuff about him not wanting to talk about the future is also a new perspective for me, and that is good. I need to stop reprimanding him, I am not his Mamma. And encouraging him has got to be better than bitching- thats a point well taken.
KattFink- Thanks for the story about your bf...that is pretty major, him not calling you for so many days! I would also be really worried. I have thought about giving him a 'dose of his own medicine', but then my Mom was like "no, don't play games with him!" Lol. But sometimes it is tempting. Also, I know there are going to be things he does that get under my skin, and the things he is going are not driving me totally nuts, but just sort of annoying me.
Borealis and Kurt- Thanks for your opinion.

To be honest I think you are a little too hard on him. My boyfriend is 20 and he is very irresponsible and forgetful, but I love him for the person he is and certainly not for the grades he got.
I wish you all the best in this, but let's face it - you are both 18, you're not married. If the worst thing he does is not tell you he's going offline, then you are very lucky indeed.

carrot- thanks for your reply. I appreciate honesty, especially since that is what I set out to ask in this thread, if I was being too hard on him.
I've gotten some flak (perhaps deserved) for mentioning or caring about his grades. The thing is, I don't really care, but in HS he did really poorly, and he wants to be a professor or a veterinarian. So, he needs to be a high achiever, and thats why I am on him about his grades, or was on him about his grades. I also know he won't be happy unless he has a career which he considers to be a "good one". I don't really lecture him about grades, either. I mostly just drag him to the library (I realize he'd rather be at home playing Halo...) with me and quiz him on his study guides and crap.
But this thread has given me a new perspective on our relationship. He may be silly in some ways, but I have to back off and let him live and learn.

Well, I was on academic probation off and on during my first few years of college. A large part of that was because quite a bit of time and energy was being sucked a way into an extremely dysfunctional and high-maintenance relationship. For that matter, I have an uncle who bombed out of his first college, only to become a reasonably well-off dentist.

The career thing is just going to take time. Few people manage to find the right fit for a career field their first year in college, much less the first 8 weeks of Freshman year.

I realize he'd rather be at home playing Halo
Oh how I sympathise! I think my boyfriend would die if I stopped him playing on those things

I never understand how anyone can spend so many hours playing HALO! His roomates and him do it constantly. I think that if anything, a high maintance relationship wouldn't be his reason for academic probation, its that damn Xbox!

Well, I was on academic probation off and on during my first few years of college. A large part of that was because quite a bit of time and energy was being sucked a way into an extremely dysfunctional and high-maintenance relationship. For that matter, I have an uncle who bombed out of his first college, only to become a reasonably well-off dentist.

The career thing is just going to take time. Few people manage to find the right fit for a career field their first year in college, much less the first 8 weeks of Freshman year.

You are right about the career thing taking time. I guess that in some ways I am an intense person; my senior year of high school I was trying to figure out what I wanted to major in; freshman year I started out as a Fisheries and Wildlife major, quickly decided that wasn't right for me, and switched to Psychology. I now have decided, pretty much 100%, what I wanted to do, but I thought about it intensely. I am sure that he will come to figure it out, I guess I just have to realize that not everybody is going to do things like me or want to do things like me, for that matter.
I feel like the worst girlfriend in the world after posting this thread! I'm going to have to buy him a dozen roses and take him out to dinner now. That or let him finally teach me how to play Halo...

I feel like the worst girlfriend in the world after posting this thread! I'm going to have to buy him a dozen roses and take him out to dinner now. That or let him finally teach me how to play Halo...

Let's see...

From this thread you've decided to give him a break on some things that annoy you and to make sure you're not going to nag him.

I'd think he should be thanking you for starting it. :D It's not like any of us know who he is, so it's not exactly a breach of privacy. I'm sure he talks about you with people also.

You should take him out to dinner anyway, though. Just to be nice. :)

Glad to hear he's getting better about the no-call/no-show thing. That would drive me totally wonky.

Being able to communicate and talk about important things, esp. the future, is critical to me in relationships... but I'm 35. When I was 18, I honestly wouldn't have cared or had the first clue, particularly in regards to long-term personal commitments.

If he keeps showing up when he says he will, and if he stops walking away from you, I would just not worry.

And who cares if you are talking about him here? It's not like you've given explicit personal details, and it's not like we know him personally.

:)

Let's see...

From this thread you've decided to give him a break on some things that annoy you and to make sure you're not going to nag him.

I'd think he should be thanking you for starting it. :D It's not like any of us know who he is, so it's not exactly a breach of privacy. I'm sure he talks about you with people also.

IME, it's not a matter of if the other person is going to find out what you are saying, but when. As a result, I've always been careful to be quite open with my partners about what I'm saying about them, where and when.

Personally, I find it highly disrespectful to talk about relationship problems with a loved one on a public board.

Well, I'm doing it with the intention of making our relationship better, and even though this is a public board, I do have a lot of trust for some of the people on VB.
I see where you are coming from kirk, but I disagree.

Don't be so hand with the B's. There are classes where I can't get higher than a C no matter what. Chemisty is one of them.

I would consider yourself lucky! I just got out of a 2 year relationship with a 33 year old man who never cleaned his place, and I mean it was disgusting. He told me he loved me all the time, meanwhile he was out screwing an 18 year old for the past year, and he was controlling and inconsiderate. His mother still does his laundry for him sometimes! Your guy is only 18 and you said yourself he has so many wonderful qualities. Don't let a little problem like being forgetful and inconsiderate at times ruin an otherwise good relationship. We can all be like that, no one is perfect. I would make a list of pros and cons and if the cons outweigh the pros, then perhaps you should re-evaluate your relationship. Remember, you two are still young and you will both do a lot of growing over the next few years. Hopefully you can grow together.

Hope that helps.