I never can tell, after being together (yes) 20 years. We got together young. We have two kids and my husband works very hard, long hours. When he comes home he's burnt out and unresponsive. Oh, not sexually...things there are always a 'go' as far as he is concerned.... and we're still attracted to each other. But it is the love. It's not in his eyes, not in his voice... he buys me gifts at xmas that he wants (as he always has). I've never actually gotten a gift which reflected *my* interests? (Last year I got an instrument he plays...) I feel lonely and when I have told him he can only say "what about ME? Do you care about MY things?" Well... not really? He likes engineering and video games and I like humanistic stuff~ books, movies, philosophy, yoga...

I do buy him things I think he will like... and like last xmas I got him one of those commercial-less radios and a years worth of time? He did not even bother to hook it up. :(

Is all this normal? By expecting more do I expect too much? I want some enthusiasm and hugs and maybe a small, inexpensive gift at xmas but one which would be for ME.

I am really weepy on this today because I just lost my best friend... now it really hits hard how MUCH my husband does not 'get me'.

Is this just "life".... or do your SO's show you special attention?

To be honest, I don't think I could be with a person who didn't share any of my interests and never expressed his love for me, let alone for 20 years! My SO doesn't constantly fawn all over me or anything (I wouldn't want him to), but he does say nice things to me, and about me to others, that make it clear that he loves me. He doesn't shower me with gifts (both of us are pretty non-materialistic), but when he does give me a gift it's something that shows he knows me well. Sure, we have our differences (he being omni for one), but we're able to be open about everything and disagree without yelling at each other. We're also able to laugh about a lot of things, which is key for me. We've never had a serious discussion or disagreement without laughing at some point.

Your situation sounds very lonely to me. Ordinarily I'd say that you should be honest and open with him about how you feel, but it sounds like when you've tried this he doesn't listen very well. Besides sex, why were you attracted to each other to begin with? What has kept you together for so long? Is there something there worth saving? I don't mean staying together for the kids or anything like that, but is there anything between you and your husband besides the kids that is meaningful and rewarding for you? If you can remember what it is that made you want this relationship to begin with, maybe that is what you need to rekindle in order to have it continue...

Wow, I just want to say congrats for 20 years. You just do not here that much more. Honestly, I think guys can have selective hearing.:devil:

Maybe you guys have been together for so long, that men and women forget to "court each other" like in the very begining. It may hurt you and such, but there is a lot worse. I know he must love you and you love him......because the hanky panky would not be there. I never can have sex with a partner if I felt I out grew them or me also. That is a good sign.

Maybe.....it always works for me to talk to him at the right time. I mean in bed or something, when you guys are intimate. Guys will listen more then. Sad, but true. (sory guys)

Have you tried counsling. Not always the magic formula, but it can be a start. Maybe you need to pitch a fit more on how you feel.....not knowing if you have done that or not. Hang in there and keep us informed.

I was married for over 15 years, and a lot of what you are saying rings very true for me - Other more serious factors led to our breaking up however, but there were definitely many, many days I felt the way you do now. Being lonely, sad, left out or your needs not met, is NOT the way someone should be in a relationship...

But all that can be turned around, too...

I do think the fact that my husband definitely did not "get me", in a very BIG way, ended up eroding my self esteem almost irrepairably. That was not a good thing...

I don't want to sound like an alarmist, each person's situation is different, and I am sure yours is very "fixable"... It sounds like you still love your husband very much, and it sounds like you guys must have some good times too - as mentioned above, step back and figure out exactly what you "want" from him and this relationship.
Then take whatever steps are necessary for things to work - sometimes, at some points, one person has to do 90% of the "work" on a relationship (unfortunately) to steer things in the right direction... obviously it shoulldn't be that way all the time, but if you want this to work, you may have to fight for it for a while...

It sounds simplistic, but it's not, so much... Surround yourself with people who make you feel GOOD about yourself, family, friends, pets even... it'll help how you're feeling right now, a LOT!

I hope it all works out for you in the end!

No one likes to feel lonely, neglected etc.

I can't offer any advice, but I can sure offer some kind suporting words!

Chin up, I'm sure things will work out in the end, figure out what you want for yourself. You will get through your grief and things will be better, they always are.

Are there outside stresses making things harder than normal (besides your friend passing away.. I'm so sorry.)?

If you try and talk to your husband, let him know that what you want to discuss is really important. If he doesn't have the time/energy at the particular point, then don't push the subject but mention kindly that you do want to talk about it at a later date as it means a lot to you.

We all get carried away by everday work/survival needs, but sometimes (especially those with family!) get really stuck in that job/tasks/survival rut of thought and forget to think about the deeper things, often for a very long time.

It's good that you are thinking about it, but approach the subject with caution, perhaps now is not the best time to really delve too deep as you may not be up to it emotionally.

Whatever you do, all the best, dont forget that you are a worthwhile person, worthy of love and affection and having your needs met! Your husband is also the same.

Cheers!

Perhaps its time to consider a vacation for both of you to give you time to be alone together.

You should talk to him. Open up those lines of communications. See what he thinks.

Just my $.02

I'm really sorry to hear that *hugs*. I've actually been worried that that's going to happen with me and my husband. We do have some common interests, but then we each have interests that are quite different. We also have different personality issues. One example is that I would love to visit New York City, but I would have to do it alone or with someone else as he can't stand huge cities and would be very uncomfortable with the people, traffic, commotion, etc.

What attracted you to him when you first got together? Any common interests then?

I would suggest just the two of you going out for a meal and discussing whet made you fall for eachother in the first place, and what you do like about the relationship. This is a good situation in which to listen to eachother. You need to explain to him what your problems are and if he's willing to try, everything will iron itself out. You're very lucky that you're still in love and have a mutual attraction after 20 years.

But it is the love. It's not in his eyes, not in his voice... he buys me gifts at xmas that he wants (as he always has). I've never actually gotten a gift which reflected *my* interests? (Last year I got an instrument he plays...) I feel lonely and when I have told him he can only say "what about ME? Do you care about MY things?"

That's sad that you haven't gotten a present in all that time that you know was especially for you or that you could tell he put some thought into. :( He sounds very unromantic and a bit self-involved. I couldn't put up with a guy like that, I'd have to shake things up a bit or move on.

there's actually a cultural thing going on here that's worth considering.

in examining the culture and time in which i was raised (1976 and following) i noticed that women were taught that to attract a man, she should be attentive to his interests. if his interests aren't her interests, she should strive to find ways to support and/or participate in his interests. But, in this scenario, there is little to no reciprocity.

this is not because men are stupid, cold, mean or whatever else. simply, they're not taught, via culture, that women are in fact doing this activity. Many women, when they find a man in whom they have interests, will set out to find out as much about the guy as possible--and then set out to systematically demonstrate compatability by participating in his activities, cooking his favorite meals, and so on. In the process, many women 'let go of' their interests and many men think or believe that their interests are the interests that the women hold. They do not know that the women are doing this activity--and they do not know that at some level, culturally, women expect reciprocity (that he will take interest in her interests).

Men tend to be taught that he should 'allow time for' women to do their (the women's) activities and interests, but that there is no cultural obligation to participate or even be interested. It is important to support her interests by giving her adequate time to do those interests (usually once a week or less--culturally speaking), and that in doing so he is 'being supportive of her interests.'

women put a lot into relationships because we are taught to do so. men are not taught to do so at this level. Many women, when young, follow blindly into this activity to 'get their man' and once they 'have their man' they eventually discover that they are in your scenario.

when your husband buys you a gift that reflects his interests, it's likely because at some point you were involved in that interest with him--or he wants to foster that (what he believes to be) shared interest in you. So, if he plays trombone, and you expressed interest 15 years ago in trombone in order to display commonality, then your christmas gift is a trombone because you displayed interest (real or not, for culture reasons or not) and therefore he assumes that it really is your interest.

a friend of mine is going through this right now. her husband is a rabid football fan. he has season tickets to the Eagles and he watches every game. The one activity that they do have in common is roller coasters. but, while she has interest in pottery, books, and spiritual things, his interest is mostly in video games, childish movies, and football. When they were dating, she began to participate in football related activities (including going to games, etc), even though she has no personal interest in football and never has. In fact, she knew nothing about the game until they started dating.

she began to notice a year ago that her whole life was floating away because she was always doing her husband's interests, and he was never participating in hers. She would ask him to take a pottery class or do something like that--and when he said 'no' she wouldn't go either. He said that he was 'supportive of her going and taking the time" but he was not 'supportive' in the way that she wanted--which was to participate in her activities the way that she participated in his activities.

it could be that you and your husband were working under these cultural assumptions for many years, and now you're like 'wait a second, this is unfulfillling for me." and that's normal because quite frankly, culture puts very tight boxes around people and it's easy to loose your spirit in fulfilling various roles that we play.

so, the next question is, where does one go from here? first things first, take time to do the things that interest you, and talk to your husband about your feelings. Figure out what assumptions or rules you were living under unconsciously and how they've affected your relationship to and with him. he may not look to his own thing in this regard, but if you take the step, he'll likely grow by proxy (as this is what is happening to my two friends above). And, if he takes interest in personal development, then he'll start to seek out things too.

I also recommend The Enniegram by Helen Palmer and The Enniegram in Love and Work by the same author.

The present thing is quite annoying. My boyfriend is mad about computers/consoles, and before i went to visit him, he was saying he had bought me a present, and was hinting at what it was, but wouldn't tell me. I guessed it was a new mouse, so i told him, if it's computer related i don't want it (i really don't need anything like that, he knows i haven't got time cos i've just started my final year at uni). So when i went over there, he was using a new mouse, and i never got a present off him. I'd really love it if he put some thought/effort into getting me something to show he knows me and wants to make me happy.

But, back onto you. It sounds to me like you guys are just stuck in a rut, and i wouldn't get too upset about it. 20 years is a long time, routine is bound to set in. You definitely need to talk to him and spend some quality time together. Reminisce about the days when you guys got together, and funny memories you share that you never want to forget. I feel positive that you guys can sort this out. It just sounds like some effort is needed to make it happen.

This is not "just life". I'm so sorry this is happening to you. :hug: Talk about this with him. Get everything out in the open. If he avoids the topic, don't let him get away with it. This won't get solved in one conversation, so be patient. You deserve to work through this.

Thanks so much you guys for all the kind and insightful answers. (((((((((HUGS)))))))))) I want to answer each post, but it may take me a couple days between things here at my house. But first I just wanted to say that I really felt better reading your responses and knowing you guys cared.




To be honest, I don't think I could be with a person who didn't share any of my interests and never expressed his love for me, let alone for 20 years! My SO doesn't constantly fawn all over me or anything (I wouldn't want him to), but he does say nice things to me, and about me to others, that make it clear that he loves me. He doesn't shower me with gifts (both of us are pretty non-materialistic), but when he does give me a gift it's something that shows he knows me well. Sure, we have our differences (he being omni for one), but we're able to be open about everything and disagree without yelling at each other. We're also able to laugh about a lot of things, which is key for me. We've never had a serious discussion or disagreement without laughing at some point.

Your situation sounds very lonely to me. Ordinarily I'd say that you should be honest and open with him about how you feel, but it sounds like when you've tried this he doesn't listen very well. Besides sex, why were you attracted to each other to begin with? What has kept you together for so long? Is there something there worth saving? I don't mean staying together for the kids or anything like that, but is there anything between you and your husband besides the kids that is meaningful and rewarding for you? If you can remember what it is that made you want this relationship to begin with, maybe that is what you need to rekindle in order to have it continue...

This made me really think. A big part of what attracted us was humor (and he's tall and handsome!)... but even when I was angry through the years he'd say 'but I am handsome and funny', lol... and it's true. I guess it is just that with his super long work hours now we don't have much time to laugh together or do stuff when we are really 'awake'. While we don't have really shared interests, we do find the same things very funny.

Yeah, he can make me really laugh. We had a kids party this weekend and they (the kids) made us play a round of twister and it wound up more like a slow wrestling match and we both really, really had a competitive laugh. :) I think with more time and less worries we'd laugh a lot more.

You were right about lonely though. When he is tired and so so quiet... it is extremely lonely. But he is tired cuz he works hard for 'us'... so I try to remember that. It can just be hard sometimes?

Wow, I just want to say congrats for 20 years. You just do not here that much more. Honestly, I think guys can have selective hearing.:devil:

Maybe you guys have been together for so long, that men and women forget to "court each other" like in the very begining. It may hurt you and such, but there is a lot worse. I know he must love you and you love him......because the hanky panky would not be there. I never can have sex with a partner if I felt I out grew them or me also. That is a good sign.

Maybe.....it always works for me to talk to him at the right time. I mean in bed or something, when you guys are intimate. Guys will listen more then. Sad, but true. (sory guys)

Have you tried counsling. Not always the magic formula, but it can be a start. Maybe you need to pitch a fit more on how you feel.....not knowing if you have done that or not. Hang in there and keep us informed.

Thanks for the congratz on 20 years. :) Yeah, we got together really young, and I am a very clingy girlfriend, lol. After 4 years he accidentally proposed, like, "I was thinking...just hypothetically...that PERHAPS...maybe...someday in the future...we MIGHT get married..." Literally, that was it, and I jumped into his lap and said, "I accept!!!!" hahaha Something like terror crossed his face so I waited another 2 years before bringing it up again.

So, I don't think I was ever really courted. I put the five feet of picked flowers in a heart shape over his driveway... and left love notes... and sent him a card or gift or letter every day we were apart during our stays at different colleges. But in spite of being seemingly underwhelmed by me, he has told me I mean the world to him. Maybe I can count those times on one hand, but I know if I asked him directly he would say so?

The hardest part is knowing that feeling?

I was wondering about other folks... too... like say, after a few years into a relationship... how do you know they love you. I mean, really love you? Do you just know or do guys (some guys) keep expressing it nicely?

I was married for over 15 years, and a lot of what you are saying rings very true for me - Other more serious factors led to our breaking up however, but there were definitely many, many days I felt the way you do now. Being lonely, sad, left out or your needs not met, is NOT the way someone should be in a relationship...

But all that can be turned around, too...

I do think the fact that my husband definitely did not "get me", in a very BIG way, ended up eroding my self esteem almost irrepairably. That was not a good thing...

I don't want to sound like an alarmist, each person's situation is different, and I am sure yours is very "fixable"... It sounds like you still love your husband very much, and it sounds like you guys must have some good times too - as mentioned above, step back and figure out exactly what you "want" from him and this relationship.
Then take whatever steps are necessary for things to work - sometimes, at some points, one person has to do 90% of the "work" on a relationship (unfortunately) to steer things in the right direction... obviously it shoulldn't be that way all the time, but if you want this to work, you may have to fight for it for a while...

It sounds simplistic, but it's not, so much... Surround yourself with people who make you feel GOOD about yourself, family, friends, pets even... it'll help how you're feeling right now, a LOT!

((((((((HUGS)))))))) Thank you...

Something really nice happened this past weekend. You know, when things became unbearably lonely I sought to fill that feeling with lots of friends and family. I developed a close friendship and became very attached to this one particualr person. Recently, in helping him through some things, I read over the phone to him some spiritual things from a certain book. He liked it so much he said "let's read it/share it together..." and I felt so happy. It filled the empty place where my husband did not seem to share the interest.

Well, then I enrolled in this yoga teachers training course and had so little time. My friend who was going to read the book with me told me he shared the book with this other girl (there are thousands of spiritual books, why share the one he was to read with me...before we'd read it together??)... and he informed me they'd be reading it together. :(

I was sad and my husband asked why and I told him. He asked for us (he and I) to read it together instead! I even said "what?" because I was totally surprised he'd said that... but yeah, he wanted to.

So, maybe there is something which is evolving... even after all these years... maybe I should be more trusting and hopeful. Maybe this book will become one of many and we will be able to share some things... so, fingers crossed. :)