My daughter is 13 years old. I know different states, have different laws.

My daughter has taken gymnastics for at least 5 or 6 years. Her dad begged me for her to take cheering also. I never did gave him an answer and it has been 2 years of her doing this. He pays for this also every month.

He is not there emotionaly, with her homework, everday to day stuff, that you deal with a child.

She cry's to me on some nights, that she does not want to go to practice 7 hours a week, on 3 different days a week. Sundays 5 till 8, mondays, 7till 8, and thursdays, 7 till 9. And the homework and such.

I feel like he pays her way through her activites, so I do not take him back to court. She does say to me sometimes, after long talks, that she loves the things, but gets so streesed out about it. She does not want to let her father down. We have never been married before. We are both married now.

I feel like he does these extra things and pays for them, just to prove he can be a good dad. He is just a coach to her, and I am her mom, her back-bone, and being there for all, he is not.

He says to me after many long talks about this subject, that I do not understand. He said she should play every sport as possible, just like his mom and dad raised him.. I believe in balance. I just feel like he does these things and pays for them, so I will not take him for more child support.

And just so ya know, I have received 350.00 a month, when his sallary is around 80k per year. I am not greedy at all. That is why I have done nothing about the money for 13 years, but now I think, I need to take a stand. He has no idea how much I spend or what it takes to raise a 13 year old daughter.

Any thoughts.

Hmmm. When I first saw the topic I thought you were considering taking him back, as in a relationship, and only when I read to the end did I realize you meant back to *court*.

If she doesn't want to do the cheering, why force her? She might well just sabotage it if you tried to force her into it -- I know that I sure would have.

I'm surprised that his child support is only $350/mo -- how does the cost of the gymnastics compare to that? Does your daughter *like* the gymnastics?

I'd talk to a lawyer to see what your chances of success would be if you went to court to get more $ from him. Take along your paperwork. You can probably get an introductory short visit for not much $, or even a 15 minute one free via a community services kind of place. If a lawyer suggests that you have a good case, you might go to your ex and say something like "I really need more money for (name of daughter) -- costs of (this) and (that) are high and the $350/mo I get from you isn't covering a quarter of it. I'd like you to start sending me $(higher number) each month. I've spoken to a lawyer who's indicated that I'm likely to win if I take you to court over this, but I think you'd agree that it's best for all of us if we work it out between us."

Hmmm. When I first saw the topic I thought you were considering taking him back, as in a relationship, and only when I read to the end did I realize you meant back to *court*.

If she doesn't want to do the cheering, why force her? She might well just sabotage it if you tried to force her into it -- I know that I sure would have.

I'm surprised that his child support is only $350/mo -- how does the cost of the gymnastics compare to that? Does your daughter *like* the gymnastics?

I'd talk to a lawyer to see what your chances of success would be if you went to court to get more $ from him. Take along your paperwork. You can probably get an introductory short visit for not much $, or even a 15 minute one free via a community services kind of place. If a lawyer suggests that you have a good case, you might go to your ex and say something like "I really need more money for (name of daughter) -- costs of (this) and (that) are high and the $350/mo I get from you isn't covering a quarter of it. I'd like you to start sending me $(higher number) each month. I've spoken to a lawyer who's indicated that I'm likely to win if I take you to court over this, but I think you'd agree that it's best for all of us if we work it out between us."

I do not force her into nothing that she does not want. I am her mom. Me and her dad have never actually been to court. We just settled outside of court in 1992. I guess what I was trying to say is that me and her dad have so much peace, I would hate to be the "bitch" in this situation, nor do I plan to be. I just feel like I get walked all over. I will say that her dad does pay like a hundred a month just for it all, and also pays for traveling fee's when she is in competion, uniform,etc, His choice. She is darn good, I will admit. But my whole point of this post is, what is better for her in the long run? She loves this sports stuff and she is training with the top two qymnastic people that was in the oylimpics She is too old for that, nor do I want her to have the pressure. She is talented, and that is enough.

My whole piont, was, I rather take the child support(that he pays for all these extra things) and have the needs, material, food, etc, than the fame anyday. She is too young to understand this.

As far as the court thing goes, they send me papers, like every 3 months to modify my child support. I just am too nice to take his money from him, because he would not understand, that he is paying for these activities, that our over the wall!! I rather have the money to feed her good food, stay in gymnastics, not competiton cheerleading, too much for her, and us be there for her emotionally and such.

Did you ever see the movie,"Bring it on?" That is my daughter. Flips, travels, etc. I guess I just see the side of emotianal stabilty, and balance. Nothing wrong with sports at all, love it, there just has to be a balance.

And yes, I have talked to her dad a hundred times about this. He just wants her to be something, that he was not. I rather have the money to raise her well, than to spend money on such extreme things. One activity is enough.

One more thing, are you saying that I do not get enough child support, when you said that you were surprised. Thanks.

We live in the UK so things will be different, but my partner - who earns the equivalent of around $50k pays his ex-wife $300 for their son, so the amount you're getting does sound a little low.

Is there not an agency which can help you work out the amount you should be getting so you can avoid going to court? We felt at one time that we were paying over the odds so we got it checked out through the child support agency. It turned out we were paying double what we should be. We told the ex-wife and said we'd be cutting her payments - if she wanted to contest it she could have gone to court, but she didn't.

How about your daughter talking directly to her dad about these extra activities? Maybe it would have more effect if she could explain that, now she's growing up a bit, she'd rather have the money to spend on new clothes, an evening out with her friends etc, than doing all the activities she's currently involved in.

firstly, and i am not in a situation like you are, but..i ask that you hear me out.

you say your daughter is thirteen, and that sometimes all of the stress of the practices for cheer and gymnastics becomes too much for her to handle. i was once an overscheduled and overstressed young teenager, and i remember thinking "if anybody would just *ask* me how i would like to change these activities in my life rather than asking me which ones to quit, i might have an answer"

if she wants to leave cheer, remember that she is her own person, and as much as her dad might want her to continue in everything as he was raised, he needs it pointed out to him that his daughter and he are different people, and while being raised that way may have been okay for him, in your daughter's case, it's not working.

best of luck to you sweetie

Hell yes. It seems as though he wants a trophy daughter.

Take him back and get a fair amount. I know I've always resented my dad for cheeping out on his child support when my mom, sister and I were really really poor,(my sister and I together only got $390 a month) His lawayer told him how to work the system so that his support was much less than what his income should have made it. If cheerleading and gymnastics are too much for your daughter put your foot down, hes not the one who sees how much it impacts her ability to do homework, etc. You are!
If you're having touble keeping her well cared for he needs to understand that food comes before cheerleading, etc. He's an adult surely he can understand she needs to eat.

When I was receiving child support in NJ I had the probation department handling the payments (I got direct deposits into my checking) It is part of the child support motions that you can seek a change amount. There are a bunch of reasons. Also you can research and see if you husband is "voluntarily under-employed" my ex tried that one but the mediator shot him down. It sounds like that might be part of why your amount is low. In NJ child support can be $350 a week. Plus if the court has already order support payments (regardless of how they are paid) You might be able to file a motion "per se" that is on your own. My filing fee as only $15 and I got that back from my ex too.
Good Luck!
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$300/mo seems a little low for $80k/year.

Why not ask yourself what a reasonable person would expect to spend to raise a 13-year old daughter each month. Then divide it by half. That half should be the amount of child support.

That seems fair to me.

Just my $.02.

One thing to take into consideration is that many kids can't do these activities at all because of cost. I really wanted to take gymnastics and/or play an instrument and/or go to camp as a child but could not because of cost. Instead I got great grades, took part in other extracurriculars (but nothing that was a huge time commitment) and got into a selective college. If your daughter is missing out on necessities more important things due to lack of child support, this is something to bring up. Make sure your daughter knows she doesn't have to participate in something for someone else, she should only do it for herself. Besides, I feel school work should trump all other activities, but that's just my values.

It sounds like your ex's view of parenthood is that dreaded idea that you can show love by throwing money at a child. Time, commitment, and building a respectful and close relationship is what kids really want from their parents, and is why being a good parent is truly the hardest job on earth.

i think that i am not understanding your posts at all. perhaps i'm not that great at reading.

but if i'm getting this right, right now he pays for things that his daughter does, and you would simply prefer the money so that you can spend it as you see your daughter's needs, rather than what he percieves as an appropriate lifestyle without any real practical experience in the day-to-day life of your daughter. Am i right?

I think that your first step would be to talk to your daughter about what she wants to do and what she doesn't want to do. It's ok to cut back on an activity or to compete less or whatever else. If she decides that's something that she does want, then i recommend talking to her father about this.

When speaking to her father about this, ask him if he would still give you the money so that you can spend it on other interests that your daughter will be able to pursue now that she is less tied up in sports. You don't need to mention where they money is going per se, but rather that it will go to support her other interests to make her a well rounded person.

if he refuses, then you can get a mediator instead of going to court. it's a much more peaceful process.

Thank you for the reply's. I should have ment to say, that I would NOT have to go to court at this time, because it is my right, right now to call the division of child support for a modification. I think in this state they will modify and raise it every three years, because the cost of living. If he got pissy about it, then he would be the one taking me to court, to fight it. He does realize at this time, that he is underpaying me. We get along so well for all the years, that I would hate to piss him off and rather just keep the peace. And yes, the money thing would really piss him off!

He pays for her cheerleading/gymnastics, on top of the child support that he gives me....but that was his choice to put her in the extra's and pay for it. I think, he just thinks, that, that is a way of being a good dad, and making up the difference that he does not pay me.

so what is the issue?

also, i would talk to him before talking to a government agency. it's handled more easily and respectfully that way first.

I guess I'm not really clear on the issue here, other than your daughter wanting or NOT wanting to participate in activities... but I do want to comment because I do sorta understand, and know where you're coming from.
My ex and I have a non-official agreement at the moment for both custody and child support, which, thank God is working and he usually pays/agrees on how it's tenetively set up.. however I did decide to make it "official" so I would be assured of care for my kids no matter what, and we would all no what "arrangements" were because they were set down in stone (well, paper) - those are just my reasons, every situation is different...

But I can say, even though it WILL be worth it, - UGH! WHat a nightmare... it's slowly, S-L-O-W-L-Y getting worked out officially but the legal paperwork, red tape, hassles, meetings with lawyers, more paperwork, evaluations of this or that and studies of this or that and on and on and on... I am so freakin tired of the process and of everyone having their nose in our business... I "know' in the end (eventually, sometime, somewhere down the road) it will be settled and be worked out better for everyone - We won't fight over who has the kids what weekends and who "skipped" a day or whatever - I will be able to depend on the money and it will go where it's needed, not to new snowboard lessons or the latest Nintendo game... my Ex and I get along fine 75% of the time, but when we DO disagree, it is brutal and I want my kids and their needs kept OUT of it whenever possible...

Also, My kids are very active in sports and activities, but if they expressed any frustration or anxiety, I would definitely do what they wanted, no matter what - that would be the first thing to be cut back, I want their studies done, I want them feeling as little stress as possible and I want them HAPPY - not overwhelmed... life is overwhelming enough as it is!!

Hope this made a little sense - I was trying to be supportive but I think a bunch of jumbled thoughts just came out instead...