Virtue said I should post about my new guy. Haha. And this makes sense because I am having some issues.

I am unsure of whether or not we are right for each other. We seem to be perfect for each other in a lot of ways. We both read a lot, think about things, drink black coffee (haha I wont explain why this is important), we are both storytellers, writers, etc...we're taking philosophy class together and discovered that we think along the same lines. We get along great and I am attracted to him as he is me. The problem is that he has seemingly no moral values that are similar to mine. I am actually very conservative in my actions, although in my convictions I am liberal, but not for the average reasons (like hardcore religious convictions or politics)...I simply just don't like doing what most teenagers do. I will admit I am quite boring to hang out with. I don't have the desire to party, drink, smoke, or do drugs and cannot really relate to those who do. He is just so okay with all of these things. He smokes which really grosses me out because I have known many people who have died from lung cancer, including my grandparents. He has had sex with a few different people, but says he has never been in a "serious relationship". I am a slow mover. If I do not know you inside and out, you won't be in my pants. I am still technically a virgin although I have come pretty close to losing it to my last boyfriend. I want to be in love the first time I have actual sex and I was in love with my last boyfriend and if we were still going out, I am sure I'd have lost it by now.

My morals are a funky thing because my reasons are moreso health related or related to the fact that I didn't have many friends in high school...therefore didn't get invited to many parties where drinking and drugs were involved. I cannot relate to those who have had different life experiences than me.

He is also unsafe territory compared to my ex. When I think of my ex, I feel relaxed, safe...just like I am at ease. This guy has me on my toes.

Thoughts? :lovesign:

first, why can't you relate to those who have had different experiences than you?

second, how are your morals different or the same? Morals are really an aspect of thinking--so if you think the same, you likely have similar morals and perspectives, but different ways of expressing that. So, hmm, something to talk about.

third, it's a new relaitonship, so of course you're still uncomfortable.

What I meant by relate is that in a relationship, I get nervous and scared easily. And if I cannot relate to one's past experiences, it makes me uncomfortable. Like, if he all of a sudden said that he is a recovered heroin addict. That would make me uncomfortable. Of course, as time goes on and I discover his true self, not just his words, I will be more comfortable. I don't adjust easily and am not all that savvy with social interaction.

I don't think I am saying it right. I didn't mean to sound judgmental.

For instance, my last boyfriend was overweight and somewhat unattractive (as I was in high school...not anymore I don't think). He didn't drink and was a loner. I related to all of that because I lived it, so I was more as ease.

Well, I don't think you should give up on the idea of pursuing a relationship with this guy just because there are some things about him that take you out of your comfort zone a little bit. It sounds like you do have a lot in common, and I don't see your differences as having a moral basis exactly. To me it doesn't sound like you think that partying, drugs, casual sex, etc. are morally wrong, they're just not things you do because they don't appeal to you. If you started dating him and he expected you to go to parties or do drugs or have sex before you were ready, then these things would be a problem, but it doesn't sound like you know him well enough yet to know what he would or wouldn't expect of you. Just be honest with him about what you will or won't do and why. If he's a good guy, he'll accept you how you are. If he tries to pressure you, then he's not for you. You won't know though unless you continue to spend time with him and start talking about these things.

If I were you, the main barrier for me would be the smoking thing. In my mind it's idiotic and disgusting, so even if someone was the greatest guy in the world, that would keep me from persuing a relationship with him. I'm not sure if you feel that strongly about it, but if you do, at some point you'll have to tell him that. Who knows? Maybe he's just looking for an excuse to quit and you'll be just the motivation he needs...

Good luck and let us know what happens.

Maybe I am basically just searching for things that are wrong with him because I am nervous and scared that this might actually go somewhere. :p

Um... I would be very careful with this one. I used to date someone who had very little moral values and I ended changing a lot of who I was to be with him, which in retrospect, I'm not too proud of. Just cause he's different doesn't mean he's a bad person, obviously, but if I were you, I'd be sure to establish your own moral values with him early on, so you don't lose who you are, y'know? Hope I'm making sense.

Take care & have fun getting to know each other. :D

it really depends upon what "little moral values" means. i mean, people call me 'libertine' (which has the same idea in it), and i was like "whaa?" because quite frankly i don't really *do* all of these things that i think are or should be acceptable and legal. So, morally, i'm this way, but this is other way is the way that i live my life.

CK:

i understand what you mean. I recommend getting the Enniegram by helen palmer and also the Enniegram in Love and Work by the same author. Excellent texts.

We had an awesome time tonight. He told me I should feel safe with him without me asking or saying anything, so I guess he knew. Everything is cool. I think I just got freaked.

yeah. read the books anyway.

CK: it sounds like you are unsure of this guy because he is different from whatyou are used to, and he does take you outside of your comfort zone. i think you should ask yourself if you are comfortable with him, and why you might not be, and if it is fear or apprehension, take a deep breath and relax. My b/f and i had the same start as you and yours are having, and it has taken us a year to get together, and now we just celebrated 3 months in a relationship.
\
I was apprehensive about him at first - a year ago! and i have known him since i was a sophomore in high school (and i'm almost 20 now), but now that we have been together in a serious relationship for three months, i've realized that there are very few people in my life that I am that comfortable being around....

take a deep breath, relax, see where he leads you and if he ever makes you uncomfortable, ask yourself why and if the reason is something that makes you question ANYTHING of importance to you and your relationship with him, then you can worry. :)

best of luck dear :)

I guess I am having trouble understanding this thread.

I think you have a number of legitimate concerns, and you need to discuss these with your bf, and get explicit, express verbal commitments from him on a number of these issues.

One issue is the issue of exclusivity. As I have tried to tell people over and over again on this Board, the "default" position in the absence of any discussion or express commitment to the contrary, is that there is no exclusivity. That may not be the way I would like things to be, but that is the way the world IS, as best as I understand it. So, if you and your BF have sex, there is nothing to stop him from going out an hour later and having sex with every member of the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders, and nothing to stop you from going out an hour later and boinking every member of the Dallas Cowboys football team.

So, if you really want exclusivity, you have to ask for it and he has to commit to it--explicitly.

I really do not understand all this discussion of your "morals" vs. his "morals."
If the point is that you expect there will be some sort of understanding between you and your BF without discussing these things--through some sort of mental telepathy, osmosis, or "it goes without saying due to our similar backgrounds"--then I think this is just unrealistic on your part. You have to open your mouth and explicity ask for commitments like this.

If what you are saying is that you believe that your BF's "morals" are so different from yours that even if he explicitly promised you exclusivity, you still could not trust that promise--then IMHO you need to find yourself another BF, one whom you can trust.

You mentioned that he has had intercourse with several other women, while you are a virgin. This puts you in a relatively vulnerable position. You are right to have fears about possibly getting hurt in this situation.

You also mentioned that he said he felt he had never been in a "serious relationship." Does he regard his relationship with you as being a "serious relationship"? If he does not, this ought to tell you something. If he does, then unfortunately this still would not be an adequate substitute for an explicit commitment to exclusivity and/or explicit commitments to whatever other issues you might have with him.

That's my 2 cents worth.

I have experience here - I am a vegan; I don't smoke, drink much or like video games. My boyfriend smokes, drinks like a fish (and then urinates in people’s gardens on the way home), and eats meat like nobody else I know (“Of course I’d still eat meat if I had to tear it off the cow myself, imagine the size of the steak I’d get myself!”) I hate violence, zombie films, action films and horror films – needless to say, he loves them.

I hate wrestling and video games but this is what he lives for, any spare moment and he’s either watching wrestling DVDs or playing video games, violent ones where you go round shooting people and sleeping with virtual computer-image prostitutes.

I read everything – and I mean everything. I get through a book every three days – the only book my boyfriend has ever read is The Rock’s autobiography.

And we’ve been together for 2 years – and have no intention of splitting up. We share a few interests blah blah, but mostly, I love him for the person that he is – kind and loving and funny and wonderful. We can talk about anything together, and the fact that we have different views and opinions makes it a lot less boring than if we were carbon copies of each other, with matching thoughts and feelings (including morals). I love spending a Saturday night talking in bed, debating (not necessarily arguing) something that our views differ on.

Don’t give up on him yet.

:) that's so sweet carrot :)

OMG Carrot, that story was so cute. That is what my last relationship would have been like IF he was sweet and kind...sadly, that wasn't the case. :p I'm so happy for you though! I know I can't give up on him yet. I need to let him into my comfort zone and see what happens.

I think that it is good that you "stay on your toes" for a while. You seem like a really cool and nice person. You remind me a lot of how I was before I was really hurt by someone. (That was not meant to sound arrogant.) I am still that person deep down, but only until recently have I been able to start bringing my true self back to the surface. My suggestion is to bring up all of the issues that are on your mind no matter how blunt you have to be. If he gets upset, mad, or tries to make you feel ridiculous for even bringing it up, then it's a good idea to distance yourself. ALWAYS trust your instincts. That is something that I wish that I could have taught myself a long time ago.

Also, does he know that you are part of this online community? Perhaps he knew about the subject of feeling "safe" because he read it here. I might be paranoid, but it is a possibility.