I have talked to close friends about this, but maybe getting outside opinions might help. I have been with my boyfriend for about four years now, we have been living together for two. My problem is that I feel that I am ready to get married and start a family in the next year. He on the other hand does not feel this way. He is perfectly content just living as a married couple without the marriage part. I have moved away from my family to be with him and made sacrifices. I feel that if he doesnt know after four years that he wants to spend his life with me than Im probably not the one for him. He wants us to buy a house together in a year, but were not even engaged. He doesnt understand why I wont buy a house with someone that I am not at least engaged to. I finish school in a year. When I am done with school I am planning on leaving him if he has not proposed. I do not want him to propose just because he is afraid of losing me, I only want him to if he really wants to, so I havent told him of my plans for leaving in a year. Do you think this is too irrational?? I feel guilty but I really feel that I need to find someone who wants the same things out of life that I do. I dont know Im so torn.

Yee, I have to say only you really know the answer to that one. Ultimatums really aren't fair but neither is slowly and silently planning an exit. My bf harbored stuff to that point earlier on and I got blown away from the "out of nowhere" of it all. Also, then I would feel like I was on pins and needles all the time looking for clues to make sure he didn't have one foot out the door again. Not a good feeling. Is there a way where you can voice your opinion and needs that's kind of in the middle? Maybe like, "Hey this is where I am SERIOUSLY heading, how do you feel about it?" Sometimes ppl enjoy getting the milk for free (not to offend vegans) but when it's between paying for it and not having any, they would gladly pay, if you know what I mean. Also, he may want this too, but may just want to wait longer or plan it a little less. Sounds more like he likes the currently free milk than being unsure of your future. No one in their right mind offers to get into the entanglements of buying a house with someone that they aren't committed to for the long haul.

(oh lord, I was afraid someone else had recieved a nasty email and was contemplating leaving this message board)

I think you just need to have "serious discussion time." Planning to leave without talking about it isn't recommended, no.

I think it would be irrational to expect him to propose in the next year when he's already said he isn't interested in marriage.

And I think it would be unfair to plan to leave without even discussing it with him. He wants to buy a house with you, so it doesn't sound like it's commitment that's keeping him from wanting to get married. Have a talk with him. Have several. They don't have to be talks where you're pressuring him into getting married, but seriously try to understand where he's coming from and express where you're coming from. Keeping silent and expecting miracles won't help in the least.

I used to hope that Mr. Meatless and I would have a wedding etc. He wasn't very interested, after 4 years. I was very disappointed and contemplated our future together. I realized that an official wedding had nothing to do with how he feels about me, and how I feel about him. You may really want one, but I realized that I was more or less just programmed to want one. With all of our family problems it would be stupid for us to have one anyway. We bought a house a year and a half ago, and now we've been together seven years, and I can safely say I have absolutely no interest in a wedding anymore. What REALLY matters is what's between the two of you. If an official marriage is something you can't live without, and you don't think he's going to give you one, then leave. But I agree, you should probably sit down and talk about things. In my opinion a wedding isn't even close to being the most meaningful and important part of a relationship, and definitely isn't an indicator of one's commitment and love for another. You want to be careful that you don't throw an amazing relationship away.

I'm in exactly the same position as Meatless. We've been together for 7 years but my partner's been married before and just can't see the point in doing it again. I know he'd marry me if I said I was going to leave if he didn't, but where's the point in that? We've been together longer than friends who have married and since divorced. We own a home together, we've shared the raising of his child, we have countless animals between us etc. etc. Like meatless, I realised eventually (after nagging constantly about marriage) that really, it's not that he doesn't love me, just that for him, marriage isn't an important thing - whereas I had it programmed into me (to use Meatless' expression) that marriage was the "done thing".

Now I just don't care anymore. I could leave and find someone who would marry me - but I'm not going to risk my pretty good relationship just so I can walk up the aisle and call myself "Mrs".

I don't think for a minute that you should plan to leave in a year without telling him. If you really feel that strongly, at least let him know now that if there are no plans made in a year, then you're off. I agree with the others though - buying a house is a commitment in itself. In fact, owning property together makes it a lot more complicated to split up than a simple wedding certificate!

You should not just pick up and leave without talking to him about your reasons. Ultimatims aren't good either. What you should be able to do, if you have a strong relationship, is discuss your reasons for wanting to be married and his reasons for not wanting to be married.

The reasons should be more than just, "I want to be married". You should know why you want this so much. If marriage is truly important to you (and I mean for spiritual, moral or ethical reasons and not just 'cause you want a wedding) then you should not compromise on this point.

If, however, your reasons for wanting to be married are cultural, legal or simply a case of the "I wants" with no reason behind it - then maybe a compromise can be found.

Or if your reason for wanting to be married includes the "That way I know he'll never leave me" logic ... then you need to do some serious thinking about your relationship.

But in any case you need to think about, then talk about, why you want to be married and why he doesn't. If you can't communicate openly with one another about this ... then perhaps it isn't the right relationship. But either way you go, you have to discuss this with him. You cannot just walk out on a relationship of this length and importance without doing at least that much.

I agree that you need to let him know that you where you stand. That if you can't be happy without a marriage, he needs to know, and know that if you are unhappy without the marriage then this relationship is a dead end for you. Make it clear that you simply need to know if he is as serious as you are about not wanting marriage. Not that you want him to propose just for the sake of keeping you from leaving. I don't see this as manipulation or ultimatum, just being honest.

It's totally reasonable to leave after four years if you want marriage and he doesn't. But I think you need to let him know first because maybe he just wants to avoid thinking about it and will continute not thinking about it if he can get away with it. Of course, like you said, you have to make sure if he does propose, it's for the right reasons.
I'm sorry about your situation and wish you the best.

I know this is unconventional, but why not propose to him if you want to get married and he won't take the first step?

Otherwise, I agree with pretty much everything that has already been posted. Some very sound advice here.

We seem to have a lot of long-term couples who aren't officially married around here. I'm another. The Mr. and I celebrated our tenth anniversary last month. It was the tenth anniversary of our first date. Yeah, we missed out on showers and parties and wedding gifts, but that's all we missed out on. I have a friend who's been married and divorced several times in that same ten years. So in terms of stability and commitment, a wedding ring doesn't mean a thing.

"If we are to be together, you and me,
Then nothing will hold us here but our desire to be.
Love cries for freedom, so let's keep it together, and give it what it needs."
- Poi Dog Pondering

I know this is unconventional, but why not propose to him if you want to get married and he won't take the first step?


I did that! I proposed to my darling husband - more than once in fact. He turned me down 5 times.

We sat down and had a long discussion about why I wanted to get married. Why he didn't. And how to find a compromise. A few weeks later I gave it another try and he said, "Yes." It was a matter of talking things through and figuring out why we each wanted what we wanted.

We seem to have a lot of long-term couples who aren't officially married around here.

Us vegetarians are collectively a group of people with loose morals. :p

I have talked to close friends about this, but maybe getting outside opinions might help. I have been with my boyfriend for about four years now, we have been living together for two. My problem is that I feel that I am ready to get married and start a family in the next year. He on the other hand does not feel this way. He is perfectly content just living as a married couple without the marriage part. I have moved away from my family to be with him and made sacrifices. I feel that if he doesnt know after four years that he wants to spend his life with me than Im probably not the one for him. He wants us to buy a house together in a year, but were not even engaged. He doesnt understand why I wont buy a house with someone that I am not at least engaged to. I finish school in a year. When I am done with school I am planning on leaving him if he has not proposed. I do not want him to propose just because he is afraid of losing me, I only want him to if he really wants to, so I havent told him of my plans for leaving in a year. Do you think this is too irrational?? I feel guilty but I really feel that I need to find someone who wants the same things out of life that I do. I dont know Im so torn.

Why is it necessary to get married? are you in a committed relationship? does he want to stay committed?

are there other reasons that he doesn't want to get married (for example, he may not 'believe in' marriage)?

if nothing else, i think you need to talk to him about why marriage is so important to you and ask him about his thoughts on the matter without talking about rings and babies and other stuff that may cloud the issue.

it seems obvious to me that he wants a committed relationship, but for some reason may be forgoing marriage. There are many reasons to not be married, and there's nothing wrong with not being married either.

I'm yet another VBer in a long-term committed relationship with absolutely no plans of marriage on the horizon. The boy and I got engaged over three years ago and gradually came to the conclusion that we didn't really feel that we needed to get married since neither of us had strong religious, family or cultural pressure to do so. Perhaps your boyfriend feels the same way? Talk to him about what you want out of your relationship and a marriage and whether he really is as commited to a life-long relationship as you are; if he'd like to buy a house with you, it sounds like he's not commitment phobic.

Definately talk to him and try to find out why he seems determined not to get married. Also think about why you want to get married. You might find out that marriage really isn't that important - or he might agree to marriage once he realizes why it's imporatant to you.

I have lived with the same person for the past seven years. We'll eventually get married, but we are not in a hurry. I want to get married mostly because of the legal issues tied up with marriage. He doesn't really care one way or the other. We'll probably get married whenever I get around to planning it. :love:

1. Be Honest and Upfront with him.

2. 4 years should mean he should know you by now, and visa versa. I.E. Both of your wants and needs from this relationship.

I watched something on tv once, where the topic was relationships and situations just like yours. The bottom line is "He's just not THAT into you." If you want to marry someone, and the other person does not.....then find someone who will marry you.(There are so many who are willing to.) If your partner wants to stay wed-free, then there are plenty of other people who feel the same way, and who wouldn't mind living together forever without being married. Do you know what I mean?

3. Communicate. Let him know you are serious and compassonate about this.

4. Get answers. You should be able to tell how your future could look like by his answers. (Create your goals. Let him create his. Compare.)

5. Sacrificing is not worth a damn thing if it doesn't make you happy in the end.


I wish you the best in your situation. I hope you can find happiness wherever it may stand.

I will jump in from another side. I think there is some stastic out there that says.....if a woman lives with a man for awhile... then something like if it is working out, then the man does not need that security of a peice of paper. But I think a woman needs that security. I guess, because we were taught, that, that is the final seal on the realationship.

I know times are changing, but I also think it matters how you were raised. I lived with my husband for a year, before we got married. We have been married almost two years now. If he decided that he did not want to mary me, and I wanted it, yes I would have the big talk, and then leave also. Just because us women need that extra security sometimes.