stalker

I find it hard to believe that a person would ask for an open relationship if he/she didn't have someone in mind to be open with.

Maybe she's having anxiety about being in a committed relationship. Has she been in a serious long-term monogamous relationship before?

It just sounds like a nice way of saying "Let's date other people".

I have no choice but to say yes of course.

You have a choice to say no. You have a choice to say yes. For an open relationship to work both people must be willing, and comfortable with the idea, otherwise it just degenerates into one person screwing around on the other.

^^^ I agree. Obviously, you are not comfortable with the idea, so I don't see how it could work. You can't live with constantly wondering what she is doing and feelings of jealousy...it will drive you crazy!

Of the people ive known who have had open relationships, someones feeling always were hurt. As a hopeless romantic....ive never considered the idea. I guess it works for some people though. I guess you have to ask yourself, could i really deal with knowing my sweetheart shares herself with someone else? and vice/versa...could i share myself with someone else and not feel guilty?

If you're not comfortable with her sleeping with other people then going ahead with an "open" relationship it is only going to hurt you and destroy your relationship, not save it.

sounds like you are in a tough position. you love her to the point where you are willing to consider something that will most likely hurt you and the relationship. you don't sound like you want an open relationship. this isn't really something that can work unless BOTH people in the relationship want it. If I were in your place I would not agree to an open relationship. be honest with her if you don't want that.

i would really like to try to have a relationship that's not based on possession. i am idealogically extreme.


I don't think monogamous relationships are based on possession. Maybe some screwed up ones are, but just because you don't want to be cheated on does not mean that you are possessive.

Open relationships can only work if both people are comfortable with it -- and then a lot of times not even then.

You say you have no choice, but that's absolutely not true. At the very least you can tell her that you need some time to think about if that's okay and can you talk about it more before making a decision. She shouldn't expect an answer from you on something that serious immediately.

Just my thoughts. If my boyfriend were to even suggest such a thing it would be over. But he already knows that and feels the same way.

If you have been spending a large amount of time together, maybe this is one way to say, "I need space". Women need alone-time, men need alone-time--we cannot be with our SOs 24/7. That would not be healthy. A strong relationship doesn't necessarily involve near-constant interaction.

It might not be that she wants to "date" other people--maybe she just wants to have people in her life other than you, and the phrasing she used was "open relationship". All healthy relationships have a degree of openness, else couples would just competely drop off the face of the earth. If my SO can't handle the idea of me spending time with friends other than him or having activities I'm involved in that don't include him, he can count on me leaving.

Or, maybe she really did mean "open relationship" the way many have taken it here. If that turns out to be the case, disregard this post.

Tough position. I'm not sure how i'd respond to that. I'd most likely tell her to go be as open as she wants and tell her that i'm not having anything to do with it. I personally don't really see the point in an open relationship other than being able to screw around with other people. And that's not my thing. I guess it all depends on what this 'openness' entitles her to.

And, I second Kiz's comment. You DO have a choice. You obviously don't like the idea, and you should tell her that.

I don't know the whole situation, only what you told me.

From what I've seen, "open relationships" generally don't work. Sure, there are exceptions, but my impression has been that open relationships means that at least one member doesn't want to settle down with just one person.

But I'm a tad conservative on social issues, so perhaps I'm wrong about you two.

you're young, you haven't been in the relationship long.

what can you live with?

Hmmmm...skylark has said some good things here. I'm going to just be honest. You sound incredibly needy and overattached to her. Being in love with a person does not mean spending every second of every day with them. She (and you) are twenty years old. I don't get people on here saying, "Well, maybe she doesn't want to be in a commited relationship."--She's twenty! Now while I'm not saying that twenty year olds shouldn't be in commited relationships, I am saying that you are both in college, both young and are bound to want to experience more things than just each other...or IMO you should.

Perhaps she does just want to relax a bit. Maybe that month you spent away gave her a new perspective. It sounds like you have some insecurities...and that maybe what she is suggesting might be good for you in the long run. But I worry about your thinking right now as being a red flag, "I'm so afraid of loosing her." "I don't have a choice I have to say yes." It seems almost like you are obsessed with her, and it seems like this is unhealthy and that maybe she's beginning to see that.

Someone told me something like this...or I read it while going through a difficult seperation, "Love and fear can't coexist." An overpowering fear of loosing someone isn't love. It's fear. I really think true love is knowing that you can let someone go if that's what needs to happen, even if it is painful. Love is wanting what's best for a person, even if what's best does not necessarily include you."--that's a hard one.

I think that a therapist might be able to help you sort these things out. Relax the white knuckle grip on this person please, if you really love her.

B

Here is my advice, take it or leave it:

-Open relationships CAN work, but the most important thing to keep in mind is that they are NOT likely to work if there is not enough communication, or if one person or the other is just not into the idea, because open relationships can lead to misunderstanding or hurt feelings if one person does not fully understand the other's motives for being with another person.

-Needing space to grow as a person is perfectly acceptable. It does not necessarily mean that she does not love you, or that she does not want to be with you. But... on the other hand, if it does mean that, then so be it. It'll happen whether she is out there dating other people or not.

-There is enough love, caring, and affection out there that her feeling affectionate towards someone else doesn't subtract from what she feels for you. It is not a contest to see who gets the most love.

-If you guys are REALLY serious, then it would be important for each of you to take consideration for the other in making personal decisions. What I am saying is- you can not stop her from doing anything, but she can decide whether or not to be with someone else knowing how you feel. You do have the right to tell her if you are not comfortable with it, and you do have the right to leave her if she feels that she must do it regardless. Such is the nature of all relationships. We place boundaries, and we cooperate to live around them as they change.

-I'd go and talk to the therapist, who probably is a hundred times better than me just telling you what I think ;p

I wish you the best.

I don't know the whole situation, only what you told me.

From what I've seen, "open relationships" generally don't work. Sure, there are exceptions, but my impression has been that open relationships means that at least one member doesn't want to settle down with just one person.

But I'm a tad conservative on social issues, so perhaps I'm wrong about you two.

I agree with this. I don't know your entire situation, but I have been in a similar position, except I was the one wanting an open relationship. My advice is to first of all be very clear with each other about the definition of "open relationship." Some people have different ideas of what it means. Would you want to just be free to flirt with other people? Go on dates? Sleep with them? Form other relationships in addition to your own? It's very important you discuss together what you are and aren't willing to deal with. There can be a lot of confusion and hurt feelings if you don't communicate clearly enough (trust me...it's not pretty). And if you don't want her/him (?) dating anyone, period, that is okay too, and it is okay to say so. Your feelings are important too; relationsihps aren't about making just one person happy.

As for some insight into your partner's request...in case you are interested, here's how it worked out for me. I asked to date other people about 1-2 weeks into a "relationship" (I saw it as dating, he saw me as his girlfriend) I told him I wanted us to date other people in addition to each other. I think I had a few reasons for wanting this:

1) he was really clingy and wouldn't give me enough space even when I asked for it. I felt suffocated and this was my way of trying to get some space (not the best idea, I admit)
2) I wasn't getting what I needed from him sexually and I knew I would cheat on him if I wasn't 'allowed' to go get what I needed from other sources
3) There were other guys I was interested in and I wanted the chance to date them if the opportunity came up
4) We had been dating a mere 2 weeks and things were moving way too fast and becoming way too serious for my liking
5) I just wasn't into him enough to want an exclusive relationship when it came down to it.

Of course, your situation is a bit difference as you were dating for much much longer, but that's kind of the way I see things. I don't know if that helps at all.

ETA: Oh yeah, we broke up quickly enough. He couldn't handle an open-relationship, and I realized how unhappy I was with the one we had.

I hope things work out for you two. Good luck.

I recommend reading the book
"The Ethical Slut: A Guide to Infinite Sexual Possibilities" (http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1890159018/qid=1127663423/sr=8-1/ref=pd_bbs_1/002-2759045-3016816?v=glance&s=books&n=507846) by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt. The title sounds scary, but I promise you that this book is filled with lots of advice, insight, and information for those who don't know much about 'open relationships', but are interested in the lifestyle. It sounds to me as though you are very unsure, but that your girlfriend wants to try it out. Read the book, and at the very least you will understand why somebody that loves you would be interested in this.
Like another poster said, open relationships CAN work. It's not something to fear, and it's normal to have feelings like this. It's normal to be unsure and nervous. Please read the book. Look for it at your local library if you don't want to purchase it- but I think that it's a great book that would fit nicely into anybody's home library. Everybody should read it.

stellar- that book looks like it has excellent reviews. I am just about to buy it I think... thanks! :)

Being a hopeless romantic as well, i guess i still don't see the point in an open relationship, other than wanting the fringe benefits and maybe keeping someone as a back up. Not to say that open relationships can't work or that they're wrong.

But, they're definitely wrong if both parties aren't comfortable with it. I also think if you're interested in other people, pursue those other people. How much in love or interested in someone can you be if you're looking to pursue other people? It's a waste of time keeping them around.

In Starblossom's case, I don't even see why you'd want a relationship with the person at all :-/ So why even bother doing the 'open relationship' thing? Especially when the other party is getting serious. That's more of a reason to break any 'relationshipness' off, IMHO. :)

Hmmmm...skylark has said some good things here. I'm going to just be honest. You sound incredibly needy and overattached to her. Being in love with a person does not mean spending every second of every day with them. She (and you) are twenty years old. I don't get people on here saying, "Well, maybe she doesn't want to be in a commited relationship."--She's twenty! Now while I'm not saying that twenty year olds shouldn't be in commited relationships, I am saying that you are both in college, both young and are bound to want to experience more things than just each other...or IMO you should.

Perhaps she does just want to relax a bit. Maybe that month you spent away gave her a new perspective. It sounds like you have some insecurities...and that maybe what she is suggesting might be good for you in the long run. But I worry about your thinking right now as being a red flag, "I'm so afraid of loosing her." "I don't have a choice I have to say yes." It seems almost like you are obsessed with her, and it seems like this is unhealthy and that maybe she's beginning to see that.

Someone told me something like this...or I read it while going through a difficult seperation, "Love and fear can't coexist." An overpowering fear of loosing someone isn't love. It's fear. I really think true love is knowing that you can let someone go if that's what needs to happen, even if it is painful. Love is wanting what's best for a person, even if what's best does not necessarily include you."--that's a hard one.

I think that a therapist might be able to help you sort these things out. Relax the white knuckle grip on this person please, if you really love her.

B

That's how I saw it too. You need to get a life outside of this person. You're in college, tons of opportunities to meet people, join clubs, get some friends. Don't agree to an open relationship if you don't want to (I wouldn't), but do agree to give her more space.

In Starblossom's case, I don't even see why you'd want a relationship with the person at all :-/ So why even bother doing the 'open relationship' thing? Especially when the other party is getting serious. That's more of a reason to break any 'relationshipness' off, IMHO. :)

Yep . . . would have been better in my case to just break up with him in the first place but oh well. Mistakes were made. I just hope reading all this isn't discouraging to the OP. Open-relationships leaves so much grey area...it's so very important that both people in the relationship are on the same page and make it very clear what they do and don't want.

That's how I saw it too. You need to get a life outside of this person. You're in college, tons of opportunities to meet people, join clubs, get some friends. Don't agree to an open relationship if you don't want to (I wouldn't), but do agree to give her more space.
I support this idea as well. If you wouldn't want an open relationship, don't agree to it. It would a complete act of self-disrespect. I if you do break up, it might be horrible, but you will be able to go on to be a better and stronger person, and you will love again. Don't ever forget that.

Personally if someone said they want an open relationship with me, right at that point any ties that are had would be loosened quickly. I just don't see how an open relationship is anything more than *ftf* that have a backup lover. By no means can it invole a truly loving, healthy relationship.

By no means can it invole a truly loving, healthy relationship.

Why not?

How much in love or interested in someone can you be if you're looking to pursue other people?

How much can you like chocolate soymilk if you also like to buy vanilla sometimes?