It's been a while since I've posted anything of real "substance", I suppose, and this will probably turn out as nothing but rambling but...here goes for now...

Money destroys everything. I could take this to the heap and type forever and ever to really get into it, but the issue of destruction at hand is the current state of my relationship with my sister. I posted a couple of months back when it first started getting rocking...but it's getting bad. Neither of us are saying much about it, but we know it's there.

To start, she currently owes me $1838.19. In about two weeks she'll owe me another $300 for rent, which is pretty much the only share of the bills she pays (never on time though). After about two months of pi$$ing around at a "fun" job, she finally got a "real" one, but she's still living paycheck to paycheck. She says she's trying to find another job but...she's not trying very hard (go figure). She's applied for ONE other job, had two days off this week (just like every week) and didn't do anything (again, just like every week). Including clean the house. She went to the store and bought a bunch of crap for herself, cooked for herself, and did half of her dishes.

I've been battling with myself this whole time because I sort of do/sort of don't have the money (it's in my account anyway) to pay bills, but I loaned her $1300 out of MY savings for her to pay off her credit card bill. It's back up to $700 now. She had a $300 phone bill from talking to her stupid girlfriend all the time, paid that off (probably with the CC), but now she's doing it AGAIN (talking to her CONSTANTLY on a really small plan). I asked her last night, "Um...how are you affording to talk to her?" And she thought I meant that I didn't want her talking to that girl (which I don't care) and I told her, "Uh I don't care who you talk to but I don't want you with another $300 phone bill when you owe me money...". She said, "Oh just shut up," in such a cruel tone, got her crap together from the living room and went into her bedroom.

Again, I'm trying to just take it easy with her...but this month alone I've had to put out almost $3,000 in bills just for me. I paid off a student loan, I had several medical bills (that are only going to keep coming), and I had to get work done on my car...and that's still not done.

So I'm at a loss. I don't want to live with her anymore. I can't stand it. She doesn't want to live with me again either, but she said, "If you want paid back faster we probably should..." BUT WE'RE LIVING TOGETHER RIGHT NOW AND SHE'S NOT PAYING ME FOR JACK SQUAT! I'M STILL PAYING 90% OF THE BILLS!!!

I just realized this is incredibly long and I'll be shocked as hell if anyone replies to it but...well at least most of the situation is off my chest for the time being.

:nigel: N/C.

i totally understand how you feel, my ex and i lived together for almost a year, and he paid me rent once. never paid any bills, never cleaned up his mess, nothing. apparently it was all his plan to "punish" me for being in love with him when he wasn't in love with me. anyway, it would obviously be better for you to not be living with her, but it will probably be hard for you to kick her out. in the end it would most likely save your relationship to end this living situation as soon as possible so that it does not get any more toxic than it already is. best of luck to you :hug:

Don't expect to get any of your money back or you'll just stay angry. Figure it as an expensive lesson not to loan money to people if you want to get it back. I say forget the money and try to stop living with her and stop giving her any more. Is the lease in both of your names? Who's name are the bills? And how soon can you live apart from her?

The best thing would be if your sister could find a good homeless shelter to live at while she gets on her feet. People think it sounds bad staying at a shelter, but there are a lot of really good shelters out there. She'd have free room and board, free food and everying, and could worry about saving up money and paying off her bills. Plus it'd give her some discipline which it sounds like she needs.

nobody ever takes that advice though. :p

Don't expect to get any of your money back or you'll just stay angry. Figure it as an expensive lesson not to loan money to people if you want to get it back. I say forget the money and try to stop living with her and stop giving her any more. Is the lease in both of your names? Who's name are the bills? And how soon can you live apart from her?

I guess I will just stay angry then because I can't let go of $2000. I plan on going back to school and...well that's $2000 of tuition. I have an ex who I took to small claims court after I spent $700 on a plane ticket/hotel room for him that I've seen $50 of to date. It's taken nearly three years and I'll never forgive him for that.

The lease is up in about four and a half months. It's difficult because I moved into the place first (she wasn't out here yet) so all the bills are in my name. I can't just STOP paying them, because it looks bad on me :-/

I'm done with it though. Living together or not, I'm not getting paid back so I might as well be more comfortable and CLEAN and just live by myself again. My lap top is broken right now, so she's the only one using the internet. I should be a total b*tch and just say, "Hey. You pay me for the back internet bills or I'm cutting it off because I'm not paying for something I can't even use."

...and I'm sure she'd throw a fit. :rolleyes:

:nigel: N/C.

Let her throw a fit then.

Sorry for such a short reply, but it does not look like you're going to get paid back if she keeps living with you (or not). If she's not paying her part of the rent, then she's getting a free ride off of you. I'd definitely say throw her out and let her problems be her own. If I don't seem compassionate here (towards her), it's because I've just had to throw somebody out myself. If things aren't improving right now, I don't see why they would later -- but granted I do not know her, human nature seems to be to remind the person of the golden day when they will be paid back, and ask for another loan in the meantime. Believe me, she probably does not intend to keep borrowing from you in her mind, but she apparently has not made any plans to change either.

actually, it's worry over money and attachment to money that causes these problems.

money is just another form of energy. used wisely, it can become quite abundant. used unwisely, and it can lead one into a path of many problems. taking the appropriate perspective of money often helps.

when you have do your taxes (and i recommend that you get an accountant or someone to do it for/with you like H and R block, assuming you're american), there is an option where you can claim an 'unpaid debt' as a tax break. this is a sort of round about way of getting your money back. . .without involving your sister. My sister and I use this frequently when we loan money to each other, and it's also something that my parents use with us. As long as it's not an excessive sum (which so far, yours isn't), then no problem.

I would basicly do a few things: 1. tell your sister to move out and give her a dead line--like one month or two months; 2. if you need a roommate begin advertising and interviewing right away to demonstrate that you're serious about her moving out; 3. separate all accounts and get her name taken off of everything that you may share (or is your name on everything? if so, this is helpful, because it means you can legally kick her out. it's harder if she's also on the lease); and 4. you can ask her for the money back in monthly payments by writing a letter of agreement in relation to the money that you've loaned her--this letter can be legally binding as a contract and taken to small claims court and if she doesn't pay you back it's evidence for your taxes of a debt left unpaid.

DOes that provide some comfort? You're striving to use your energy wisely, and she's an energy drain on you. that energy is called money or wealth--and there's nothing wrong with having, earning, conserving, and nuturing abundance of that energy. when you have an energetic drain, you have to find ways to move away from that.

sometimes, you have to be harsh. It'll blow over eventually--but you're actually helping her too. you're helping her take responsibility for herself and her actions. Ok? this is a positive thing for her. For her, it's an opportunity to embrace herself as an autonomous adult capable of caring for herself and creating her own abundance.

This whole thing is POSITIVE. ok? :)

FYI: You could get long distance disabled on your phone. Keep a calling card in your wallet for long distance calls (1-800 numbers will still work). Disabling long distance may be a small monthly fee, but at least you will have the phone for work. If your sister doesn't like it, she can get a phone put in her name.

That will probably cause a fight. But most people require a phone for their life, and I don't see why you should be penalized for your sister's bills.

Otherwise, you are pretty much screwed. Sorry to sound cruel, but that is what it sounds like. Sooner or later, you sister will either fail when you can no longer afford to help her out financially, or she will leach on someone else. If she's lucky, she'll fail now when she's young and learn a lesson. I wouldn't count on it though.

Have you considered looking for someone else advertising for a roommate? That way, you could move, and she couldn't follow you. Its drastic, but it may be the easiest way of getting her out of your financial life. Or perhaps try moving into a campus dorm for a semester.

I know, its hard saying "no" to family, and I understand she's your kin. But if she's destroying your life and your future by draining away your money, you need to do something about it.

Sorry.

That whole 'creating her own abundance' thing is sort of what got her into the 'mess' she's in right now, money-wise.

Back "home" (the town we lived in with my mother before I moved, then she), she had a good job and made good money for her age and the area. She decided to buy a practically new Ford Mustang. And yeah, sure, I could "afford" car payments right now if I really wanted to toss a down payment out the window and good chunk of my paycheck every month along with it, but I think AHEAD.

That's a big difference between her and I. For the short time I managed a restaurant and made really good money (by my standards), "splurging" for me was going out to dinner like once a week, if that, or *gasp* buying a pair of pants NOT ON CLEARANCE at Target (pronounced tarje :p). And, even though I'd a had a little more money than I did when I lost that job, I certainly wasn't the worst off I could have been...like my sister almost is now.

I've been trying to call my mother all damn day to get her advice as well and/or just to vent but...she's not answering. Zoebird, the advice about 'unpaid debt' on my taxes is really good. I've never heard of that and it sounds pretty "sneaky" ;)

I guess maybe I'm being more "sympathetic" to her or whatever because I can understand why she's not trying as hard as she could to get a second job...or why she didn't just balls-to-the-wall get a food-service job when she first moved here but...I guess since our relationship is erroding as it is, I may just have to turn into THE b*tch. And. Be "the bad sister" or whatever.

sigh.

:nigel: C.

FYI: You could get long distance disabled on your phone. Keep a calling card in your wallet for long distance calls (1-800 numbers will still work). Disabling long distance may be a small monthly fee, but at least you will have the phone for work. If your sister doesn't like it, she can get a phone put in her name.



We don't have a lan-line, just cell phones (which are separate accounts). But she recently had a phone bill of $300 b/c she used WAAAAY more minutes than her plan alloted and to me it's like she's setting herself up for that again. Which, normally I wouldn't care, but since she OWES MONEY TO ME, and a $300 phone bill is PREVENTABLE...I just got a little irked with it.

And maybe I was out of line to go about the issue that way...but laying things out for her on a piece of paper and trying to sit down and discuss the situation hasn't worked thus far. So...I'm at a loss. Har.

Yakum.

:nigel: C.

well, right now, she isn't creating abundance, and it doesn't sound like she did in the past either. creating abundance is a process of energy management.

Anything you don't use, certainly stop paying for it. Cut off the internet and tell her she can put it in her name if she wants. Cut off cable, if you have it, tell her you can't afford it. Because you can't you have school and she's putting you in debt. At the end of the lease, find a new housemate. Let her sponge off of someone else.

If you really want to be a hard-*** consider letting the electricity get shut off (they don't report to the credit bureau, though you might get a late fee or reconnect fee). Say you've been paying your own half, and until they get hers, I guess we'll have to live by candle light. I've lived without electricity for over a week. It's not so bad.

As far as forgetting about the $ I mean, unless you do want to take her to small claims court, you probably won't see it again anyway. That's all, so you'll have to mourn that loss and move on. Even with small claims, you have to figure out a way to collect, which is a pain in and of itself. So if you want to sue her, go ahead, but don't expect her to give it back to you except by legal force.

Well it doesn't seem to be money that's destroying your relationship with your sister, it's her stupidity and irresponsibility. Running up a $300 phone bill when you're in debt thousands of dollars to your sister/roommate and you still can't even pay your bills is unbelievably RETARDED and inconsiderate.

The added stress of money problems is a bi-product of her laziness. Or, at least that's a "better" way of looking at it. If i'm making sense.

Anyways, If you're paying 90% of the bills, it doesn't seem like you're going to get paid back faster. I say, look for another place (if you're not stuck in a lease), and let her worry about finding her own place.

"splurging" for me was going out to dinner like once a week, if that, or *gasp* buying a pair of pants NOT ON CLEARANCE at Target (pronounced tarje :p).

C.

Thats the same store that is using the slogan as seen in Michaels signature ain' it ??? I think so anyway, but hence me not American and don't see your commercials.

Anyway, about Zoebird to the rescue, she is right money and wealth is very like an energy, and should be treated that way for the best rather a thing of wrath, torment and regret and negativity, etc.

(ps, I'm still reading and thinking about what Zoebird is saying & about tax-breaks, and what she's meaning for you to do using that to get you a solution, but since I don't know about these things, I guess I'll just keep on reading :yes: ....interesting)... and I just realized the lease thing is to do with your rent. How bound or tied in are you with your sister again?.... Seems like there's a lot you share?..... Anyway, still reading some more before I throw superficial facts via my assumption approach. :)

Well it doesn't seem to be money that's destroying your relationship with your sister, it's her stupidity and irresponsibility. Running up a $300 phone bill when you're in debt thousands of dollars to your sister/roommate and you still can't even pay your bills is unbelievably RETARDED and inconsiderate.

The added stress of money problems is a bi-product of her laziness. Or, at least that's a "better" way of looking at it. If i'm making sense.

Anyways, If you're paying 90% of the bills, it doesn't seem like you're going to get paid back faster. I say, look for another place (if you're not stuck in a lease), and let her worry about finding her own place.

I laughed at that. Thanks :)

The lease is in my name, unfortunately, so I'm stuck there. If I had the money to pay off the rest of it (which I'd have to if I broke the lease), the money she owes me wouldn't be an issue :p

At any rate...I've made up my mind about when this place is up, I. AM. DONE. I'm sick of her, her mean, disgusting cats (they POOP on the bed and IN the bathtub), her mesiness, her...whatever this attitude she's taken on (it really is completely out of character for her...at least I thought)...I...ARG. I'm done.

BTW, we don't have cable TV as it is (I didn't have a TV before she moved in) and I told her if she wanted it she could pay for it (go figure we don't have it) but the internet thing...well...guess I'm either going to have to be an a-hole or get my laptop fixed (which I should do anyway). Thanks for the continuing advice, all. It's really helping me out just to talk about all of it.

:nigel: C.

I agree that money is not the problem. The problem is that it sounds like your sister is irresponsible and inconsiderate. Until she matures a little bit and becomes more self-aware she's going to keep having money problems, and until she makes those changes (which could take a long, long time) and she continues to live with you, you will be affected as well. It's much easier to love an irresponsible person if you're not depending on her financially!

I really cannot relate to people who are like your sister. :no: I vote for booting her out on her azz!

some people grow up and change. my sister owed 1400 and somehow she just paid that off after three years.

Yeah I agree about money not being the fault here. Your sister seems incredibly selfish and inconsiderate. I'd kick her out if I were you - this will ultimately destroy your relationship if you don't make some changes asap.

I would definitely shut off the internet to start with.

And she obviously has a credit card... Most credit cards will let you take a cash advance or send you checks that you can write (you end up enrolled in a program with a monthly fee, but hey...) so you could tell her you need the money back that you loaned her and have her write a check/get a cash advance for as much as her limit will allow. At least then it would be *her* debt again.

And then you can set an ultamatem. She can either pay the rent and her portion of the bills for the next four months (when the lease is up) or she can be kicked out after two months. A landlord will usually let you change the locks (or come do it for you) if you let them know that someone you don't trust has gotten a hold of your spare keys. It sounds like according to the lease she's not supposed to be there anyway, so you have complete control in that situation.

She's obviously got a friend she can crash with if she's running up $300 phone bills, so it's not like you'd be sending her out to the streets; you'd just be inviting her into a little bit of reality.

I'm not feeling very pitying today. Right now you're enabling her and she has no reason to change.

I really cannot relate to people who are like your sister. :no: I vote for booting her out on her azz!

Me too. :furious:

How dare she disrespect you like that! She's selfish and inconsiderate. Kick her the hell out. Sorry for the harsh words, but I am angry just reading about it. She needs to learn the hard way.

I'm sick of her, her mean, disgusting cats (they POOP on the bed and IN the bathtub)

As I read this part, I could smell my cat's poo because he just took a dump in the litter (his poo smells soooooo bad. it's almost like human sh*t. it's amazing, really). So ya, it really added to the effect of what you were describing. Almost like a 3-D post.

I understand, though not from living with a sibling. A couple of years ago, my husband and I lived in a small apartment when he was going to college. An old friend of his wanted to go to the school too, and we let him stay at our apartment until he "got on his feet", found his own place, and was properly applied at the school.

Biggest mistake EVER. He still owes us a few thousand, but I'd be happy if I saw 500$. Or if he even apologized for never paying us, or for never cleaning, or for being a jerk and a leech. 1-2 months turned into about 7 months, which he spent most of his time jobless. It's not a good idea to give a slacker too many chances, they'll just keep taking from you and taking from you. I hope you can get at least some of the money back from your sister and get her out of your apartment.

Me too. :furious:

How dare she disrespect you like that! She's selfish and inconsiderate. Kick her the hell out. Sorry for the harsh words, but I am angry just reading about it. She needs to learn the hard way.

I don't think your words are particularly harsh (probably because I agree 100% with them).
People who "borrow" money from friends or family with no intention - or ability - to pay it back, make me incredibly, unreasonably angry.
People who "sponge off" others irritate the HELL out of me. :gun:
People who take advantage of a relationship and are inconsiderate or disrespectful are not worth continuing a relationship with.
People who mess up your place (or have poopy pets) need to be living on their OWN! Grrrrr...Don't EVEN get me started - I could rant about this all night. :furious: :furious:

Pseudo_vegan; As Kpickell mentioned above, there ARE very nice homeless shelters, kick her sorry butt OUT!!! I know you love her, but you may still have to be ncredibly tough...
It won't hurt her!! Let her learn a little about life and responsibility and above all - DON'T FEEL BAD FOR DOING IT!!! (I noticed you said you'll feel like an ass for simply disconnecting the internet... don't let her guilt you into feeling bad! Take her name off any and everything, change the locks, disconnect all the phones, computers and TV, she'll learn to live with it or pay her share...!!)
Give her an ultimatum - a date to be out and STICK TO IT! Then if she's not, her stuff goes in the garbage dumpster. It's tough, but in the end, it's going to be the best thing you can do for her - and for YOUR peace of mind.

(Yeah, I've been there)