Hello all,

So this is the scenario... I hope I can get some personal opinions on the matter.

My Boy friend is still very good friends with his ex. She moved to a different state 3 years ago but when she comes to town (ones in every 2-3 months)they always meet up for lunch or for a beer or what ever. BF has assured me a million times that there is nothing to worry about and that their relationship is over. We've been together for about a year now and he only got around to telling her about me today (Apparently they never really talk about their current relationships with each other)

They still have a very strong relationship. He's told me that he will always love her in a way... not necessararily in a romantically but in a grateful kinda way cos she's really helped him out when he needed someone.

I was suppose to meet her yesterday but plans changed and she didn't show up. Today, he left in the afternoon saying he has to run some errands but later also told me he had lunch with her. I was a little hurt cos he didn't tell me this and I also felt he didn't want me to know. Maybe cos he knows I might have gotten upset.

I know part of me being upset is cos of my own insecurities. They have a longer history than I do with him. Their relationship mainly ended cos they couldn't do the long distance thing not because of any personality conflicts. I feel he will always carry a little flame for her because she was his first real love... and the fact that she is freaking gorgeous doesn't help my ego at all...

Well all of this came up cos I found out that they've had lunch together and he didn't want to mention anything, until I asked him where he had lunch. I trust him and know he isn't just going to cheat on me, but I just feel a little left out... has any one every been in my situation?? Any words of advise? Am I over reacting?

I would really appreciate any comments on this...specially from you guys out there....
Thank You everyone!

I take the ability to be good friends with an ex to be a good sign in a person, man or woman. Has this happened before though? The going to meet but it falling through and then meeting the next day thing? If not, why not be honest with him? Tell him straight out that you feel a bit left out. Tell him to make sure to take you along next time, even if it means putting his friend off till another time when you both can make it.
You don't sound like you are over-reacting at all. Your lover had lunch with a beautiful ex. Of course you feel a bit hurt and left out.

My ex-husband was still really good friends with his ex. We went to visit his home state one time and the first stop we made was to see her. I'm a pretty jealous person but still tried to keep an open mind about it. Then later on in our relationship I found her phone number on the phone bill a few times and I asked him about it. He got very defensive about it and at first even denied that it was him. Well, he left when I was pregnant and I was, of course, very hurt by this. He called one day and said she was coming down from NJ for the weekend and was going to stay with him, but that they were just friends and nothing would happen. I don't know if anything ever did happen, but that Saturday evening I was in the mall, and I saw the two of them together. It was very hurtful, to be pregnant with his child walking alone, and then seeing him with his ex.

I guess it really just depends on each individual situation and how jealous you get. If you're a jealous person, then I don't think your relationship will last while he is still hanging out with his ex. Personally, if I found out my boyfriend had lunch with his exgirlfriend, I'd be really upset. But again, it just depends on how much you can handle. Mainly, just go with your gut instinct. It's usually right. That's what I have come to learn.

I'm on friendly terms with several of my ex-girlfriends. I think it really just depends on the reasons why the relationship didn't work out, the people involved, etc.
It's important to me to stay on friendly terms with my ex's, because obviously I still think that they are good people, much as I did when I met them. I will say that this is not the case with all of my former girlfriends, however (having had 2 stalkers in my past).

Being in a married relationship would certainly make things odd for a "friends with the ex" situation, but I think it is certainly possible. I don't think you are over-reacting, sealife, for feeling like you do. Just remember that he's with you now, because he wants to be. You are who he's chosen to be with, and has stayed with you for a year.
That counts for a lot, if you ask me. :) It's natural that you would have jealous or suspicious feelings. I think anyone would. Communicating with him about your feelings, and about the nature of things that they do when they see each other is very important. My advice: be his friend, as well as his g/f. Tell him how you are feeling (nicely, but to the point) and open that route of communication.
I know that would be how I'd want a girl to approach things with me.

Best wishes to you, sealife. :)

I wasn't suspicious until you mentioned that he went out for errands, met her for lunch the day after she cancelled on you, and he didn't invite you to go along. Why did he neglect to invite you? Did he say why? It sounds like, if he wanted you two to meet, that would have been a good opportunity.

It shouldn't be a problem, inherently, for them to be friends. Only if he acts suspiciously (repeatedly not telling you that he's going to lunch with her, repeatedly not inviting you along) should you start to wonder.

Well, staying friends with an ex isn't necessarily a bad thing. Seems like what happened bugs you because you felt left out.

As a guy, in this case I'd want to know my current partner felt that way (left out) - so let him know - but don't do it in such a way to make him doubt he has the ability to see her as a friend.

It would be totally different if you thought he was banging her, though. Since you don't, when he hangs around a hot girl but still comes back to you (hint hint hint!!!) that should lessen your own insecurities :)

I wasn't suspicious until you mentioned that he went out for errands, met her for lunch the day after she cancelled on you, and he didn't invite you to go along. Why did he neglect to invite you? Did he say why? It sounds like, if he wanted you two to meet, that would have been a good opportunity.
These are pretty much my feelings too. Of course I don't know enough about the people involved to make any judgements or accusations, but it does seem odd. I agree that talking to him about his puzzling apparent sequence of actions is the way to go.

I would be suspicious over him not telling you that he met her for lunch. That is out of order, and it's not because of 'insecurities', he was dishonest, and that gives you a right to be angry.

My boyfriend isn't friends with (in fact, he doesn't even speak to her) but it kills me that he walks past the salon where she works on his way to work. I just don't like the thought that there was someone else before me.

:/

I guess it really just depends on each individual situation and how jealous you get.
I probably can't offer much helpful advice because I know I am way more jealous than is good for me... if I had my way, all ex-girlfriends would cease to exist and any memory of them would be wiped out... :gun: But, yeah, I'm a little insane that way...

Realistically, as others have said here - go with your gut, if you feel left out, let him know - communication (both of you communicating) is an important factor in a relationship.

I don't blame you for feeling insecure, i would in this situation too. I think what he did was really strange. Fair enough, if he'd originally arranged to meet her alone, and then she cancelled, and then he met up with her whilst running errands and told you afterwards. But the fact that you were involved in those plans, and he didn't arrange to meet her another time with you, or even invite you along there and then, is a bit suspicious. You should definitely have words with him about this, you deserve some sort of explanation to put your mind at rest.

I would be pretty upset if my bf were meeting up with his ex and not telling me. I don't like secrets, even if they're kept with some idea that he would be "protecting" me. Of course, I'd have to tell him that first -- something along the lines of, "Hey, I know you're trying to be nice, but when you don't tell me things like this, my wild imagination starts making me think that you have some reason for not telling me. You may think you're protecting me, but it hurts a lot more to be out of the loop."

Otherwise, being friends with an ex, I think, is healthy. I'm friends with mine, and while I don't make a point to hang out with him, we have mutual friends and it's bound to happen now and again. I would *definitely* tell my bf if I knew it were going to happen or it did without warning. Honestly, he wouldn't care, but since I'd want the same courtesy if the situation were reversed, I would do it.

It sounds like you trust your bf, so there really should be no problem telling him what you wrote here. It just sounds like you want to be included, and there's nothing wrong with that.

Hope this resolves itself. :)

I pretty much agree with what Elena said. I don't see anything wrong with staying friends with an ex. I am still friends with my first love and if I started seeing a guy who had a problem with it, that would really upset me. But it is definately odd that he would see her for lunch and not tell you. It might be a good idea to explain your feelings to him. I mean, if the situation were reversed, I don't think he'd be feeling too great either . . . and I think it's important for him to introduce you to her to put your mind at rest, so to speak. You've been dating him for a year and are a big part of his life, and I think she needs to meet you to drive home this fact that he is with you, not her. I mean I know you trust him and everything but I'm a jealous person myself and if I were you, I wouldn't want this ex of his to be getting any ideas. *shrugs* but maybe you shouldn't listen to me, lol

No problem being friends with an ex. None at all. Maybe I'm a bit of a jealous person myself, but I'd think my boyfriend having lunch alone with his ex would be a bit odd. Not "bad" in and of itself, but it would definitely raise a warning flag. That in combination with his going out with her and not telling you until you ask him directly should raise even more!

If it had been in a group of friends, that'd be different, but this wasn't. I'd voice my concerns to him if I were you and hopefully he'll make an effort to let you know what's going on with him more.

i don't think it's weird, i'm really good friends with most of my ex's

there's a reason we dated in the first place

I don't think the OP has a problem with her bf being friends with his ex; rather, it's concern over a few things:

1) The bf didn't even bother to mention the OP to the ex until a full year into their relationship
2) the ex cancelled on meeting the OP
3) The ex and the bf met up after that, without including the OP, who was not made aware of the lunch until afterwards.

Those things, in my mind, raise alarm bells.

BF still friends with ex = good or neutral.

BF meeting ex without you/without telling you + your not meeting ex/ex doesn't show up at tentative meeting place = bad

Ex is "gorgeous"? Then why was she involved in LD relationship instead of local one? And why is she still palling(sp?) around with your BF? Does she have a new BF? Something seems strange here.

Ex is "gorgeous"? Then why was she involved in LD relationship instead of local one? .

What on earth has one's looks got to do with the location of the person you fall in love with? Surely you don't think people get into long distance relationships because they can't "pull" in the local area?

Umm. Joe, are you saying she can't be friends with an ex? I'm confused about what you're getting at.

Gorgeous and ugly people alike are involved in LDRs. I'm a little insulted at the insinuation that you're making, and I hope I'm just reading it wrong.

I probably can't offer much helpful advice because I know I am way more jealous than is good for me... if I had my way, all ex-girlfriends would cease to exist and any memory of them would be wiped out... But, yeah, I'm a little insane that way...
Ha, TNS! Agreed!

I wasn't suspicious until you mentioned that he went out for errands, met her for lunch the day after she cancelled on you, and he didn't invite you to go along. Why did he neglect to invite you? Did he say why? It sounds like, if he wanted you two to meet, that would have been a good opportunity.
I agree with Elena. It does seem suspicious. I'd ask him about it this time and don't get too worked up over it...one time, fine, but if it happens again, then something is definately going on...

My ex-husband was still really good friends with his ex. We went to visit his home state one time and the first stop we made was to see her. I'm a pretty jealous person but still tried to keep an open mind about it. Then later on in our relationship I found her phone number on the phone bill a few times and I asked him about it. He got very defensive about it and at first even denied that it was him. Well, he left when I was pregnant and I was, of course, very hurt by this. He called one day and said she was coming down from NJ for the weekend and was going to stay with him, but that they were just friends and nothing would happen. I don't know if anything ever did happen, but that Saturday evening I was in the mall, and I saw the two of them together. It was very hurtful, to be pregnant with his child walking alone, and then seeing him with his ex.

I guess it really just depends on each individual situation and how jealous you get. If you're a jealous person, then I don't think your relationship will last while he is still hanging out with his ex. Personally, if I found out my boyfriend had lunch with his exgirlfriend, I'd be really upset. But again, it just depends on how much you can handle. Mainly, just go with your gut instinct. It's usually right. That's what I have come to learn.


how terrible!!! That would've killed me.

As for the boyfriend and his ex issue, it really depends. When my boyfriend and I were in the first year of our relationship, we had a lot of issues with his ex, too. They had broken up a long time ago, but she was a little psycho, and she'd always be calling him and leaving him strange text messages. She even had the nerve to come over to his parents' house when we were there visiting to try to see him. Because of her fragile emotional state and issues, he had always agreed from years ago not to discuss anyone he was dating with her, but she already knew from everyone else that he was with me. Later on, she got so pushy that he ended up having to tell her that we were together, and she'd have to set some boundaries if they are going to be on good terms bc she was being disrespectful to our relationship.

Now my boyfriend and his other ex from back in high school are still good friends and talk occasionally. The difference is that she's also in a relationship, and she acknowledges that he is in a relationship. So, when his ex and I interact, it's always really friendly...no bad feelings toward her at all.

So, I'd say it really depends on what the ex is like. Is she still after him, or are they really just good friends? You should meet her and then you'll have a good idea of what their connection is about. I know it's a hard situation, and it probably makes you feel crazy insecure (like I did), but it could be a very good thing or a very bad thing. If they're just friends, and he cares about his ex as a friend, I'd say this is a good personality trait. If he's sneaking around with her or feels more, then this could be really bad...

oh hmm i forgot that she cancelled on meeting you, and she still met up with your guy that same day. That seems sketchy on both their parts...ESPECIALLY if your bf didn't call you to see if you wanted to meet up.

Ok, I have a tendency to think too much and to get insecure, too...so I'm just throwing this out there. Is it possible that the ex didn't even know that y'all had plans to meet? Like your bf told you that he "arranged for y'all to meet" but did that only to show that he doesn't have feelings for her anymore....and then right when you're supposed to meet her, he just tells you that she couldn't make it? Sorry for thinking too much, but this is what I might be thinking if my bf was acting so suspiciously.

How did you find out that they met each other up anyways? Did you CATCH him or did he tell you voluntarily? I think that makes a difference, too.

On a side note, it seems like there are a lot of jealous people here...(myself included)...could there be a direct relationship with veg*ns and jealousy? J/K!:rockon:

What on earth has one's looks got to do with the location of the person you fall in love with? Surely you don't think people get into long distance relationships because they can't "pull" in the local area?

Earth to Kiz. Earth to Kiz. Gorgeous women get approached more by local men and have less need to pursue LD relationships. If you disagree with that assessment, fine, that's your privilege.

Umm. Joe, are you saying she can't be friends with an ex?


No, but coupled with the other behavior (like not meeting with the OP, meeting secretly with BF), the situation doesn't sound right.


Gorgeous and ugly people alike are involved in LDRs. I'm a little insulted at the insinuation that you're making, and I hope I'm just reading it wrong.

The OP asked for opinions. I gave mine. If you choose to be "insulted" by it (when it wasn't directed at you), that's your privilege and your problem. If you want to disagree with it, go ahead and disagree with it.

Err... wow. I'm not directly insulted, not having been in a LDR, but.. uh.. yeah. People are only in LDRs coz they can't get a man in their area. You do know, just because someone is approached, does not mean they fall in love? I know a couple of stunningly gorgeous people that have fallen in love and persued LDRs, for various reasons.