I posted about this before (unforgiveable insult from so-called "friend") so this is just kind of an update...not really a good one.

There was this guy I was friends with for a while, then we dated and he turned into this horribly manipulative and condescending person and we broke up. trying to stay friends afterwards resulted in a lot of fights, mainly consisting of him insulting me and guilttripping me whenever he became frustrated. Basically he became (or I just realized?) that he's a completely toxic person. He doesn't respect other people's boundaries and he's immature and controlling and possibly abusive (verbally).

Anyways, a couple months ago we had this huge fight in which he said something completely out of line. I told him to **** off and to stay away from me, and I haven't spoken to him since. Avoiding him was easy because I was living at home for the summer. But now that I'm back in school, we're in the same city again. I wasn't expecting to see too much of him since we have different programs/schedules, but then I found out from someone else that he lives close to me. He didn't get a place until after I had gotten mine. I never told him where I live so I guess this is just a coincidence but today I saw him at the grocery store (that is down the street from me)...and I just moved here today! This is not a good sign that, 4 hours after moving here, I am seeing him in places close to where I live.

I do not want any contact with this person. After I told him to **** off and that I didn't want to talk to him, he emailed me saying that he "understands" that I'm "taking time to figure things out." He didn't apologzie for what he said, he just justified it with bull**** excuses. He said he was just trying to open my eyes, to "help" me improve myself. Because apparantly, hearing that I'm "a cold-hearted bitch" is supposed to be helpful. He's the sort of person that is rather unpredictable simply because, well...he doesn't respect other people's boundaries! I've also noticed that he enjoys making other people miserable.

I'm worried that he'll find out where I live and make a point of harrassing me. For all I know, I am overreacting, but I can't help feeling scared anyways. This is weird because I have never really felt afraid of anyone before, at least not like this...I am trusting my instincts that something is wrong. If I feel afraid like this, it's probably because there's a reason to be, right? Well maybe not. I just don't want anytihng to do with him whatsoever. My gut is telling me that, sooner or later, I'm gonna bump into him and we're going to have a sort of "face-off" of me telling him to leave me alone...(he likes to act like nothing is wrong, so I wouldn't be surprised if he tried talking to me).

Anyways...I guess I just needed to vent, thanks for listening whoever is reading this, and sorry if this isn't completely coherant. The next week or so should give me a better idea of how things are going to go...I hope to god he doesn't live in my building or that would be horrible. I already lived in the same building as him last year on campus, and I was looking forward to being away from that. *sighs* okay [/end rant]

Well are you listed in any directories? First thing is to make sure your info isn't easily available. I'd also let my friends know that you don't want them passing on where you live to anyone.

If you are really afraid of him being a stalker or something, I've read in a book "gift of fear" by security expert gavin debecker that the best you can do is to give ZERO response to the person if they do contact you. That means not even negative feedback. If he happens to call you, this book recommends getting a second line whose number you give to your friends, and leave an answering machine on the first line with the volume turned down. He also recommends having a female other than you record the message on the machine. (not a male, which could provoke the person).

As for buying groceries and stuff, can you go less frequently, at odd times or somewhere slightly out of the way?

then we dated and he turned into this horribly manipulative and condescending person and we broke up. trying to stay friends afterwards resulted in a lot of fights, mainly consisting of him insulting me and guilttripping me whenever he became frustrated.

This is how it is between me and my ex. We've tried to be friends, but he picked at everything i said, to the point where it was pointless talking to him, cos whatever i said would cause him to insult me and try to make me feel guilty, and him feel better. Whenever i told him i was happy about something, he'd pretend at first he was happy for me, then a few hours later, he'd be insulting me because of it. He was very unpredictable. He even started to insult my family, which was the final straw, and why i stopped contact altogether. I duno how he thought we could be friends if he was going to constantly insult me and feel sorry for himself. He seemed to forget that he wasn't the only one trying to deal with our split, and that it was tough on me too. But i find it much easier to move on when there's no contact, cos he just kept dragging me back down.

This ex of yours sounds similar in many ways. If i were you i wouldn't worry about it, i don't think he's worth it. If you bump into him in the street, say hello, but no more than that. Hopefully you never will!

Your school's security department may be a good source of information. Many schools even have counselors to deal with these types of relationship issues. Please look and see if you have any of these kinds of resources available to you. Just talking to someone who knows about this may help you with your perspective. Being stalked is no fun, and if this has any chance of escalating, best be prepared to put an end to it immediately. Trust your instincts!

Hey
thanks everyone!

It turns out I was worrying for nothing. I was just so intent on not seeing him again that I assumed the worst possible things that could happen...just the pessimist in me I guess. I was on the bus today going home and he was on it. I didn't even notice at first. I know that he saw me, but he didn't make any effort to talk to me. He actually looked upset about something and I almost felt bad for him but oh well I'm still not going to talk to him. So he knows approx where I live now since he saw me get off at my stop, I guess, but I don't think he'll be a problem. I am just shaking with relief, lol.

ETA: Also it's a relief he doesn't in or near my building. I was worried he was going to get off the bus with me lol.

if he does start to contact you, from here on out, keep a record. You want a record of every email and phone call and phone message. With the first email or phone call (please try to record phone calls), tell him that you don't want to speak to him or see him again. That if he contacts you again, you're going to start a police file for harassment. Be clear and firm.

If he calls again or emails again, take the initial calls and emails where you told him in no uncertain terms that you didn't want to speak to him to the local and campus police. you'll need two files.

If the harassment continues and you get a large enough file, the police will indicate when you can qualify for a Protection from Abuse order which will be sent to him and will tell him that you are filing for the PFA and that you may be filing charges for Criminal Harassment.

Ok? it'll keep you safe.

Otherwise, breathe, be yourself, and settle into school. Everything usually works out.

Well, it's good to hear he's not stalking you. That would be pretty scary. But ya, from what you wrote, it just seemed like you were fearing the worst.

It does suck that you're probably going to be seeing him somewhat often. Those are always awkward situations. It's happened a couple of times with my ex, and she just makes it more awkward with snobby faces and such, haha. But ya, i'm glad it ended bad (in my situation), because there's none of the "lets still be friends" drama to deal with.

All the best!

ya thanx you guys! it seems to be all good so far. unfortunately we have a couple of mutual friends so I still have to hear about him but it's no biggie. apparantly I'm "being a bitch" for not atlking to him, as he chose to put it.:stinkeye: Whatever...the loser can think what he wants, lol.

hey, i'd rather be called a bitch than be in an uncomfortable relationship situation. your friends know you, they know the situation. they may choose sides eventually, but i wouldn't worry about it.

the only time i would worry about it is if it hinders you in any professional capacity. i made a PFA file against a former employer, and later had to threaten him with a lawsuit for libel and slander because he was saying things about me that could hinder my career and business--and he was saying it publicly. Probably not an issue for you though. :) thankfully!

Restraining order might be an option for you if he does anything harsh to you in the near future... esp stalking.

Keep your distance and keep yourself busy.

i was in a similar situation when my ex and i broke up. basically, he broke up with me and then regretted it when i didn't want to get back together. he was calling me 3-4 times a day and at all hours of the day and night and would fly off the handle if i didn't pick up the phone (i was at work/asleep!!!) eventually i ended up changing my phone # and telling him i moved to another city (he lives in mass, i live in nh) so he wouldn't come around looking for me. just stay strong, and remember that not wanting a toxic relationship does NOT make you a bitch, you have to do what's right for you and it's not worth it
if it is damaging you emotionally, no matter what anyone else thinks.

:hug:

ok, quick update

The inevitable happened last night. I bumped into him while I was at a friends house...he came into the room I was in, and talked to me as if nothing was wrong (surprise, surprise). I was civil, but gave him very curt answers, and put on my shoes and left (was gonna leave soon anyways). That was awkward...

Also found out some very disturbing things...apparantly he hangs out on campus a lot and picks up first-year girls that are drunk and then invites them back to his apartment, sometimes successfully (which is odd cuz he's so conceited and gross...but I guess they ARE drunk...). Creeepppyyy. I heard this from a very reliable source. I guess this just re-enforces the fact that I'm better off not talking to him...what a creep!!

[/rant]

ok, quick update

The inevitable happened last night. I bumped into him while I was at a friends house...he came into the room I was in, and talked to me as if nothing was wrong (surprise, surprise). I was civil, but gave him very curt answers, and put on my shoes and left (was gonna leave soon anyways). That was awkward...

Also found out some very disturbing things...apparantly he hangs out on campus a lot and picks up first-year girls that are drunk and then invites them back to his apartment, sometimes successfully (which is odd cuz he's so conceited and gross...but I guess they ARE drunk...). Creeepppyyy. I heard this from a very reliable source. I guess this just re-enforces the fact that I'm better off not talking to him...what a creep!!

[/rant]

I'm terribly sorry for your awkward moment. They always suck. And that's sooo gross and messed up. DEFINITELY better off without a creep like that. Next time you see him at a party or anywhere, make sure he's not near your drinks!

I find a funny way to break an awkward moment is to just whisper (but loud enough to be heard by anyone around) the word "awkward", and to make it better, just walk away after saying it. It might be insulting to the other party, but definitely amusing for yourself.

I find a funny way to break an awkward moment is to just whisper (but loud enough to be heard by anyone around) the word "awkward", and to make it better, just walk away after saying it. It might be insulting to the other party, but definitely amusing for yourself.

:lol: