Hey everyone, I have a problem and I hope someone can help. OK, I'm engaged (1yr 8mths) and it seems we don't talk anymore,

(see when we met he was so different how cliche, and he said he never played video games that much and we use to go do things)

if I try to have a discussion about the news and stuff he gets angry with me and we end up in a fight, he comes home without showering first( he's in construction) and goes right to the computer to play poker on line, OK ,he works about 8am-6pm and plays all night sometimes til like 3 in the morning, he falls asleep in front of the computer. See, this kind of bothers me as we don't do things anymore, we don't go out, we live like a few blocks to the beach he never came once. He says that there is no difference than me sitting in front of the TV all night. OK granted, I only do that so I have something to do. For part 2. Due to all of this, we don't have sex anymore, like months at a time,(for all I know he could be chatting it up with other females on line for all I know) so I wonder what kind of relationship we have, or if we even have one, so any suggestions or advice would be great, thanks for listening!

PS. He also watches porn and lies about it, and has many projects on the go that he has not finished, after 2 months he finally started finishing our coffee table that was in pieces sitting in a corner.

Have you been engaged for 1 yr and 8 months, or going out for that long?

How do you go about discussing your concerns with him? Have you presented one or two things as being of serious concern to you at a time when you are not angry? How has he responded?

We've been engaged for 1yr and 8mths. Well last week I was upset that we were trying to do the "deed" and he did nothing, so he came back down stairs and played some more, I was crying and upset and he said, I'll try and stop playing or only play for a few hours, the thing is he says this all the time and it never changes, he always plays. I try and try to discuss but the same thing happens empty promises.

It sounds like he has an internet/gambling addiction. It can be very powerful and can cause the mood problems you've been noting. Nothing can be done if he wont see the problem for what it is. This emotional distance is very, very bad. when is the wedding? Do you have a date? I'm so sorry for your situation (hugs)

Well thank you very much, hugs excepted here LOL, The wedding is supposed to be this year away on an island, on the beach, just the 2 of us, how I always wanted it but, no date. We had a wee fight this morning and he bought me a chocolate mini cake to make up for it, hooooo hummmmmm. thanks alot I love input.

Are you sure we're not engaged to the same person?? LoL Right now my bf is playing a video game and he also always plays poker online. I can't really say anything because I'm always on the computer.

Can you set aside and hour or two a day when the two of you do something alone without the computer or video games, etc, like going for a walk together or out for a nice quiet dinner?

Smokin'veggie, I am sorry to hear that you are having a difficult time, right now. Some of the things you mentioned strike me as similar to situations I have dealt with in the past. The reason behind this behavior could be due to so many different things.

From my experience, I have learned it is important to try not "blame" when you speak of how you feel. That is an easy route to a power struggle, which usually leads getting away from the topic at hand and losing sight of any resolution.

I don't intend for this to sound like a lot of "psycho-babble", so forgive me if it does.

You have a wedding coming up. Although a joyous event; it can cause stress and maybe the zoning out (by playing poker online) is one way to try to relax? Or maybe he has these grand expectations of himself (probably expecting more from himself than anyone else is expecting)? Maybe he fears not being able to live up to the expectations he has built up in his own mind or the expectations he thinks you have of him? He might be assuming that you have certain expectations when, in fact, you do not.

It is important to keep the lines of communication open (not saying it's easy). Just present your feelings honestly and try to keep from saying things like "you make me feel like..." or "you never this or that...".

Maybe ask him if something is bothering him. If response is "no", then respect that and move on. If you would like the two of you to do something together you could say, "I would like to go to the beach, would you like to go?" or "I would like it if you would go with me". Again, respect his decision, whatever it may be. Don't make demands, though. No one likes to be told what to do (I know I respond negatively if someone tells me how I "should" behave or what I "should" do). At the same time, do not allow his decision not to do something keep you from doing things and enjoying your time.

Relationships can be so, so not easy. I wish I had "magic" words.

One very important thing I have learned and found that it has given me room to be more comfortable in relationships (any relationship) is that we are not here to meet the expectations of someone else. All we can do is try to be the best we can be and learn to enjoy and accept our own individuality and faults and others' as well... because we are all flawed.

What does he like best that you do/say for him? Does he appreciate it most when you clean up the house, or when you touch him, or when you sit and talk, etc? Yeah, I just finished reading "The Five Love Languages" again. Maybe if you could tap into what makes him feel most loved, he would feel more confident and able to stop doing things he doesn't like either. Most likely, he internally despises himself for having so little control over his game playing. When people don't feel loved, they often don't feel powerful enough to control their own behavior, either.

Please note--I'm not saying you don't love him. Evidence is clear to the contrary. What I am saying is that people don't always hear love when it is spoken, so you may need to figure out what works for him love-wise.

What does he like best that you do/say for him? Does he appreciate it most when you clean up the house, or when you touch him, or when you sit and talk, etc? Yeah, I just finished reading "The Five Love Languages" again. Maybe if you could tap into what makes him feel most loved, he would feel more confident and able to stop doing things he doesn't like either. Most likely, he internally despises himself for having so little control over his game playing. When people don't feel loved, they often don't feel powerful enough to control their own behavior, either.

Please note--I'm not saying you don't love him. Evidence is clear to the contrary. What I am saying is that people don't always hear love when it is spoken, so you may need to figure out what works for him love-wise.
Skylark, excellent advice!

:D Thanks, angiedawn.

This definitely sounds like more than an innocent case of your fiance playing video games a lot. Any idea why he plays poker so much? Is he escaping from something in real life, do you guys fight a lot? It's really easy to lose yourself to the internet. People can definitely enjoy video games and not be addicted, but it sounds like he's obsessed. Is it just poker that he plays?

I was going to suggest trying to get him into games you can both enjoy (if you like video games too), but you might want to consider something more drastic. He's definitely not the man you want to marry, right?

I think you should try to talk to him when he's in a decent mood, and tell him how all this is making you feel.

Porn addiction? Check.

Gambling addiction? Check.

Procrastinater? Check.

Liar? Check.

I think that perhaps you should list the things (in your mind, not necessarily here if you don't want to) that he does do that you like, and see if they outweigh the very, very significant negatives.

I think it is reasonable to at least consider that he isn't in love with you anymore, but is dependent on you simply being there. The fact that he doesn't want to make love to you is one thing that keys me into this. He doesn't sound like he cares about you. Someone who cares tries to make you happy, and he doesn't seem to want to do that at all.

And additionally, and importantly, is to consider if you want to start a family with this person, and if you would consider him to be a good example to set for offspring. If the first answer is yes, and the second answer is no, then I think you know what you need to do.

Getting married isn't going to make his problems better, it will probably only make them worse. You can't change people; they have to want to do it themselves, and you can't make them do that.

I would like to thank all of you for your responses, I've been homeless before and he is persay the bread winner, I want to leave but I live in the middle of nowhere. I moved from Toronto, and now I'm In hell, I make dinner and his lunches and YES I do clean the house I'm a clean freak, I resent some one saying Do I clean WHAT am a '50's house wife but, it's kinda true, I need to go, it's almost 1 am and I just got on the computer and I finished work at 7"30 pm as a cook ( so NO I dont' want to cook for my man, He is quite capable to do so) so I had to cook for him and I had nothing to eat, we didn't go shopping, BUT he got to eat tonight , I didn't! SEE games get in the way!! No joke! Now what?

Do you have any friends that can take you in for a while?

Unfortunately NO, we moved from Toronto to the middle of nowhere, so NO I'm stuck and his mom lives close and work with her so I can't tell her anything that goes on, if anything happens it's all my fault, they are a very well to do family, I told them I was homeless and I do have an education but not good enough for there family, 'cuz I don't talk to mine so I'm just an inconvience for there son!!! Yeah that seems welcoming, I have to go to bed, just e-mail me it's on my profile, he saw a banner bout "veggie love " and thought I was part of it so just e-mail me please thanks for everything Belinda, sorry he's right behind me!

Porn addiction? Check.


I wouldn't be so quick to jump to the conclusion of porn addiction.

A large percentage of guys look at porn. A good subset of that percentage has been taught that looking at porn is wrong, and they'll lie about looking at it. I think its more likely that he's unwilling to openly discuss his enjoyment of pornography than an addiction. Trust is an issue here, not pornography.

The online gambling sounds more like an addiction. He plays games rather then deals with the relationship. That is a large problem.

Just my $.02

I know.

But the thing that makes me wonder, in addition to the lying, is that he has given up a real relationship for his fantasy ones.

And I don't think it is unreasonable to consider looking at pornography to be wrong when one is in a relationship with a real person when sex is part of that relationship.

I think that perhaps you should list the things (in your mind, not necessarily here if you don't want to) that he does do that you like, and see if they outweigh the very, very significant negatives.
I agree, and Be Honest with yourself about the pros and cons.

One thing that might be going on is that he's mad at you for something
but isn't talking about it, perhaps because he's afraid to.

Getting married isn't going to make his problems better, it will probably only make them worse. You can't change people; they have to want to do it themselves, and you can't make them do that.

:yes: I made this mistake myself, and paid dearly for it.

I wish I had a g/f who would like to discuss news and stuff.

And I don't think it is unreasonable to consider looking at pornography to be wrong when one is in a relationship with a real person when sex is part of that relationship.


Some people would say that looking at pornography is wrong when you are in a relationship. Other people would disagree.

(I'm in the former group, but I know people in the latter group.)

It clearly bothers smokin'veggie though, which is what is important.

I think in smokin'veggie's case, she's saying that he has the porn and is using it instead of being with her sexually, and that is definitely not good in a relationship. Some people use porn with a partner, or when the partner is unavailable, but to repeatedly use it instead of a partner is hurtful.

I would like to thank everyone for the great advice I have recieved. I'll try some of the things that were suggested, it's nice to know people are here for you, even though everyone is still a stranger. So thank you all so much.


PS think elena99 put it best in your last message.

I think in smokin'veggie's case, she's saying that he has the porn and is using it instead of being with her sexually, and that is definitely not good in a relationship. Some people use porn with a partner, or when the partner is unavailable, but to repeatedly use it instead of a partner is hurtful.

So wonderfully put!!!

Our best wishes for you. Let us know if there is any progress, or if you need new ideas, we'll put on our brainstorming caps again!!!

I was wondering if there was an update on this...?
personally i think if the guy is being like that and u cant work it out then just leave him! i know it will be hard...u said u are from the middle of nowhere, where is that? you said you dont talk w/ your family, why?
Is this really the guy you want to Marry and have children w/????
---my 'boyfriend' plays games all the time too but he compromises and we still have a physical relationship, he played games before we ever got together though...why did your fiance take such an interest in poker in the 1st place?