I am soooooooo sick of hearing this question! I've been married for 18 months, and my husband and I don't want children. Unfortunately, just about everyone I know assumes that we are desperate to start breeding straight away.

If I feel sick it's "maybe you're pregnant" (I get migraines occasionally). If I even comment that a baby is cute, I'm accused of being clucky. My mother keeps telling me that I have to start having children soon, because I'm getting too old (I'm 27!!). Why don't people understand that I simply don't want to have kids. They act like there's something wrong with me.

I also get told "You'll change your mind" - which I find extremely condiscending. When I told a workmate for the 50 millionth time on Friday that I didn't want kids, she said "I think your husband might have something to say about that." What's he going to do? Make me have children? I also get told how wonderful kids are, how you'll never know love like it, how I'll get lonely when I'm old, all the things I'm missing out on. All of this is very nice, but it's not enought to make me want to have children.

My husband and I have decided to start telling people that we are both gay and our marriage is a sham, just to get them to leave us alone. :whack:

/rant.

That does sound very frustrating...

I feel the same way about kids, but I'm a lot younger so people don't even bother to say that I'll change my mind, they just give me that "you stupid little girl" smile.

Frankly, I'm sick of society's outlook on breeding in general...

I have unmarried friends who have the same kind of problem. It's always: "When are you going to get married?"

For this kind of question, I suggest having a list of smartass responses (a list because if you only have one, you get bored with it) which makes them feel stupid. Do some brainstorming with your husband and write them down so you don't forget them. (Perhaps some VBers can come up with some good ones). Don't discuss with them your real reasons. You're wasting your breath.

With your mother, it is more problematic. I think you need to sit down with her and tell her once and for all that you DON'T want this topic to be brought up again because it has nothing to do with her.

Shadowlee,

I know where you are coming from. I never plan on making little Brandons or Brandonettes. My sister is pregnant, and my family is falling all over itself with happiness over it. I know that somehow they feel that I've neglected my duty as a male, and a healthy one at that. However, given the lineage of my father's bloodline, I've decided to put a stop to it here. I come from a very dysfunctional line of men, most of them substance abusers, with mental problems. I'm probably the best off of all of them, and I decided long ago that it stops here.

I have a lot of family that pressure me about getting married every chance they get (I'm 31, almost 32). Obviously, the "American Dream" isn't for me. I do good to take care of me and my pets! Perhaps I have Peter Pan syndrome, but I don't really see that the 2.3 kids, house, dog and 2 car payments are for me. Plus, I want to eventually continue my education, and do all I can to facilitate communication between races and countries.

I just wanted to say I feel you, and to not let it get you down. You and your hubby should deliberately live your lives and love one another as you see fit.

Cheers. :)

I also get told "You'll change your mind" - which I find extremely condiscending. When I told a workmate for the 50 millionth time on Friday that I didn't want kids, she said "I think your husband might have something to say about that."
Ha ha yeah I hear that alot, and I'm not even married. I usually just say "OK." in a completely disinterested way, and they just leave. If I have an ounce of respect for the person, I might patronize them back by acting like they're niave by not wanting something I'm interested in:

"Oh, I used to like meat too. One day you'll realize what love really is and go vegan."

"Yeah, but when you get older you'll live for puppetry."

"Eventually you'll understand the joy of number puzzles."

Either way, people usually stop pulling that bunk with me after a short while.

I get that a lot too. My fiance and I have no interest in having kids but we make a fantastic aunt/uncle duo, even the kitties of his siblings and my friends are spoiled! I work for a verry small Catholic college where lunch time discussion normally focuses on the milk output of my coworkers (that conversation spanned six days) or other child related topics; I get the "when are you having kids" a lot. I wish people, especially vauge acquaintances, would not ask personal questions like this or would at least accept my answer when they do!
At least my family has stopped asking for grandkids, I don't think any of them particularly want to see 1) the terror of me trying to parent 2) another generation of our genetic problems.

"When are you having kids?" Whenever you foot the bill for adoption, dearie.

my husband and i get this too. literally, it started the DAY after the wedding. the pressure just never stops.

we do want kids, but not yet. we're working on putting other things in order before we get started on that! it's too much work for us right now.

but people are condescending about it. really condescending. i dislike it too!

Man, do I understand. I've been married for 14 years, so we don't get that much any more. Only from people who don't know me well. I've read a noncommittal way to respond is, "Why do you want to know?"

I've always been told that is a rude question to ask...but I get it frequently. I actually want kids, but don't have them yet. Christy, that response would certainly shut a person up. I think the people asking usually mean well, so I wouldn't have the heart to use it myself, but if someone was pushy enough I might.

However, I don't feel any pressure when I'm asked. I just feel like I'm being asked a question. I tend to care very little what other people think, so maybe that explains why I am not offended by this question, but I really just take it at face value. I say no, we don't have kids. "We haven't decided yet" and changing the subject is a reasonable response to "When are you going to have them?" It's not entirely true in your case, but who cares?

When I was growing up my parents talked like older, childless couples were tragic figures. Now I know this is not the case! Best wishes to you and your husband. Don't be offended by this. I think it's mostly because people aren't always very good at making conversation and this question is asked so often that people don't realize it's actually pretty rude. If they get on your case, it's only because they're trying to validate their own life-choices -- it's an interesting psychological response some people have when they are unsure that they made the right choice and/or can't imagine that there are different ways of living a happy life. That's all. I say shrug it off, but I'm mellow like that.

I'm fortunate in that we haven't had this yet (I've been married for 7 months, but everyone knows our financial/living situation isn't good for a baby). I'm getting ready for the onslaught.

Christy, that sounds like a good idea.

There is so much social pressure to get married and have children, it's kinda sad.

I've found that when people ask personal questions like that (why are you vegetarian? why are you still single?) I say, "it's just a personal choice I've made." They usually get the point. Or I guess if I were in your situation and felt like being obnoxious, I would tell them that I believe in equal opportunity and that we'll have kids when it becomes possible for men to become pregnant. then maybe I'd speculte on how he'd give birth. through his anus I guess. but that's just me, I like to say disgusting nonsense until they change the topic themselves.

For me I really don't want to have kids, and I hope that my husband will understand that. I would like to adopt kids. There are so many kids, who don't have parents it is worth giving a fair chance to them.

even though i'm only 17, i know what you mean. i get asked a ton of annoying questions that i (most of the time) don't feel like answering, for instace...

why are you vegetarian? why don't you believe in god? why dont you like bush? why are you so liberal? why don't you drink? etc, etc. for most of these i just say "because you touch yourself at night." that always shuts them up.

Send these irritating people this link:
http://archive.salon.com/mwt/feature/2003/05/06/breeding/index.html

Nobody does this to me, fortunately.

Maybe try ignoring them completely and changing the subject. Start a long monologue about your day or their nice shoes.

I think the most commonly "none of your damn business" question people ask me is "Why don't you have a boyfriend?" Sometimes I do, I just don't go around telling everyone I meet cause its none of their damn business. :P

I might take the melodramatic route if I were in your shoes, and get all weepy and make up a story about a miscarriage and infertility, make the person asking feel very guilty and never bring it up again.

"Yeah, but when you get older you'll live for puppetry."

"Eventually you'll understand the joy of number puzzles."

The two best responses ever.:lol:

Yeah, my mom also gives me the "You better have kids now, pretty soon you'll be too old!" Something every 30 year old woman wants to hear.

I also hate that practically everyone I tell that I don't want to have children tells me "Oh, how can you hate children!" and despite my best efforts to explain I get branded a child-hater. I don't want to raise an armadillo of my very own but that doesn't make me an armadillo-hater. Anyone else experience this?

"When are you having kids?"

* 'If my birth control fails.'
*When abortion is banned and the world runs out of coat hangers.'

ok, that second one is pretty sick, but I promise they won't ask you again! EVER

I have a neighbor who has said on more than one occasion that she is "sad for me" because I don't have a boyfriend, and I should go out and look for one. Since when is every single person required to have a significant other? :rolleyes:

I would be sad for her because she can't live without a man. People like that are co-dependent trainwreaks.
I mean I have a bf, but I was happy when I was single as well.
Plus, if you have friends and a vibrator you are all set.

Expecting every couple to shoot out baby after baby is one of the major causes of the rampant and uncontrollable population growth. If you don't want kids don't have them. Let everyone know that is *ok* to not have kids if you prefer not to do so. Your decision is supported by many.

Right after I had my baby- everyones question was "so when is the next one coming?" Ugh.... I HATE that question. Here I am with like a two week old baby and people want me to just open up my vagina again and be pregnant for another 9 months. I told people that I wanted my kids to be about 3 years apart and they'd say "Oh no- that's way too far apart! They won't be close!" :furious: I got asked so much that I got to the point of saying- "It's actually none of your buisness." AND NOW- it's even MORE irritating, because we've been trying to get PG for 8 months, and I'm a little upset about it- thinking that there may be something wrong with me or my husband.... And I have to say- "Oh, we're working on it" And can you belive that some people actually will say- "Well did you try this or that" and try to get all up in my sex life.... :stinkeye: The nerve of some people!