Okay, well, I met this guy in school a couple weeks before summer started, and I had already fallen for him. (ya know, the quintessential picture of high school crushes, falling for someone before you even meet them.) I met him and we spoke every once in a while, but then the summer started and he was off to europe for 7 weeks. We kept in touch via AIM for the most part. SOrry if this sounds incredibly lame, but he seemed to really enjoy me (from what I can tell through the computer, haha.) He always enthusiastically initiated conversation, was always asking questions, staying up til 3 am euro -time to keep talking, seemed to be amused at a lot of things I said. Then he kept proposing that we "hang out" when he got back. Conversations were generally flirtatious and funny.

Then, last night, after we'd been talking for a while, he says "so, how's your love life?" I asked him what exactly he meant and he asked if I had my eye on anyone in particular. I'm thinkin "Oh man, this is it, it's all gonna come out in the open. He's into me." I did not really want to tell him though. In the past, I'd always been the one to tell guys I liked them and they didn't feel the same so the situation blew up. I wanted him to tell me first to be precisely sure.

I artfully dodged the question for some time (he was badgering me about an hour. why did he want to know so badly? he even said he didn't care if his curiosity "killed him.") Finally, he gives up but that didn't mean that I didn't get to know his. So i asked. hm. *drumroll please!*.....

NOT ME! I was pretty much floored. He says "what do you think?" I'm barely friends with this chick, so what can I think? Did he just want to know mine so he could tell me his and get an opinion? that hardly seems right. Still, he says "I think I'll go to bed...but we have to get together soon, right?"

My girl friend who I was talking with at the time said that she thought he was lying because he was unsure of himself/afraid of a relationship because that's what her boyfriend did in a similar situation. I decided to give it one last shot and said "ok, are you sure you don't know who I like?" He said no and I told him. He said he was completely surprised. I said "welll I thought you felt the same." He goes "reeally? I'm sorry. I don't know what to say." Then goes on to say that if stuff doesn't work out between him and this other girl, then maybe. What the f*ck is that supposed to mean? Is he foolishly trying to make me feel better? Or just hold on to whatever girl he has on his side? I really don't get it. the "evidence" of his interest in me was so strong (or was it?). I really just want to know what you all think and whyyyyyy does this kind of deception happen without some remote form of mutual attraction? Sorry this is SO "high school" haha, but thanks if you have any input.

i'm sorry dear but it sounds like this selfish guys is full of crap
he just wanted to hear it
maybe it brings up his self esteem or something, he's an ass
try to stay away from him
i can smell trouble

:hug:

:(

haha. I'm just sick of this, ya know? So I get to thinking...why am I such a deterrant? why is everyone I'm attracted to not attracted to me? He was the last likeable guy in my area. I'll go into the world with absolutely no romantic experience. hmph.

I'm sure you'll find someone lovely eventually.
However, it seems to me like perhaps he was 'testing the water'
I'd put £10 on it 'not working out' wiuth the other girl and then he'll be knocking at your door.
Hope it all works out for the best.

skunk, i just wanted to say that you take it easy and don't pay attention to this loser, i've been a loser-magnet all my life, not really sure why, i also attract low-self-esteemers which is a lot worse than losers like that because it really hurts to reject them ... so just treat him the way he treats you .... show him what he's doing maybe he'll get smarter

i know that, for myself, i'm a 'guy's gal' which means that i'm seen very much as 'one of the guys' which is why many of the guys whom i liked growing up and whatever didn't like me. They saw me as an equal to them, like another guy, and they saw girls as something other (usually something lesser than they) and they wanted to be with those 'something others.'

i think that if you can have an open friendship with him, then go ahead. if your feelings for him will cause you suffering if you hang out with him, then don't hang with him.

Thanks for the responses :)

He continues to chat with me, and act the same way he always did (despite some slight awkwardness the day after, we're back to normal, i.e. flirtatious.) But I'm trying not to take him seriously. If it happens it happens, if it doesn't---fine. really. I have nothing to worry about at this point. I said how I felt so he's just going to have to determine his point of view on this.

Vicky ~ I really respect your opinion of this and thanks for being so concerned. I'm taking your advice as a precaution and if he ever tries to make me feel bad again, I won't stand for it. thanks, doll :D

Thanks everyone, I appreciate your support and you're all very wise :) haha.

Wow what an ass.
If you're comfortable staying friends with him that's cool, but DON'T let him use you as the "back-up" girl if he can't get anywhere with this girl he likes. You deserve more respect than that.

^^^ i definitely agree, don't worry!

Been there, done that.

Like someone once told me here, guys tend to be better at categorizing their feelings than girls. It's entirely possible for guys to be best friends with a girl and not have any thoughts otherwise. For a girl.... eh, not so much. If a guy starts lavishing attention on a girl, even if it's not crystal-clear which way he wants to take it, she's likely to assume he wants more than a friendship. And why wouldn't she? Yes, you have to control your emotions, but he should also be realistic with these long talks and flirtations.

Well, SP, you seem like a very nice person. I wish I were 17 again, if I could find a GF as lovely as you!. If this guy is involved with someone else, just move on. Find another guy.

To answer your general question, yes, it is wrong to lead another person on.

Finally a male perspective---and how nice! haha. yyyyyyeah. The only thing is, "finding another guy" is difficult for the following reasons 1. I'm a bit picky. I mean, only every once in a while am I severely attracted to someone and that's the only kind of attraction that matters to me, because those people are the only ones I would consider copulating with. and 2. The number of interesting/funny/attractive guys is very looooooow in this area...so, I'm thinking, this is my last chance. part of it is I'm paranoid about going out into the world (i.e. college) as a romantically-inexperienced person (i.e. virgin.) soooo...that's the jist of it :worried:

Finally a male perspective---and how nice! haha. yyyyyyeah. The only thing is, "finding another guy" is difficult for the following reasons 1. I'm a bit picky. I mean, only every once in a while am I severely attracted to someone and that's the only kind of attraction that matters to me, because those people are the only ones I would consider copulating with. and 2. The number of interesting/funny/attractive guys is very looooooow in this area...so, I'm thinking, this is my last chance. part of it is I'm paranoid about going out into the world (i.e. college) as a romantically-inexperienced person (i.e. virgin.) soooo...that's the jist of it :worried:

Gee, whiz. I really think I'm out of my depth here.

There's a saying that "the heart has its reasons that Reason knows nothing of." I think, as a general rule, it is a bad idea to get involved with someone who is involved with someone else (leaving aside the "open marriage/open relationship" situation). It seems to me to be a great way to get hurt badly.
But it is up to you to decide with whom you will become sexually involved.

I think what I'm hearing here is a little bit putting the cart before the horse.
I think generally it is a good idea to establish a relationship with another person before deciding to sleep with/copulate with/lose one's virginity to that other person. But then again I might be naive or unrealistic.

I really can't tell you about the best circumstances in which to lose your virginity, because I am not a woman, and I don't know what it means to a woman.

I am hearing the words to an old song in my head: "(My mama said) You can't hurry love/No, you just have to wait ..." I don't think that putting a time deadline on things is a very good idea. Why do you have to lose your virginity before college? You'll probably have many more romantic opportunities/sexual opportunities in college than you do now. There's nothing wrong with entering college as a virgin.

You mentioned being "paranoid" and worried about the situation. I guess I don't really understand where these emotions are coming from. Sex is a good thing. In the words of George Michael, "Sex is natural, Sex is good." But having sexual experience won't make you into some sort of super-human Goddess, and not having sexual experience doesn't make you into some sort of sub-human, loathsome creature deserving to be pitied. I think you may be doing some sort of "negative head trip" on yourself.

If you don't see finding another guy as an acceptable alternative, what do you see as being your alternatives?

yeah, I understand that precisely Joe, but I guess part of me considers the guys here as "safe" (not necessarily in a free-of-disease sense) because this is home-base and no matter what, somebody you know knows a prospective partner. That I guess, make it feel safe and thus a better circumstance for losing one's virginity and whatnot. I don't know. I'm just very discouraged with the way this whole thing played out, partly because I expected it to happen in my favor. Though he's not actually involved with this other girl/yet, I'm not gonna immediately go after him when/if that whole thing doesn't work out. If he wants me he's going to have to prove it to me and I would take things very slow. Even with my original belief that he was interested in me too, I wasn't thinking "Yeah, I'll definitely be having sex with him." BUt the fact that I was interested did make him a candidate. Of course, I wanted to get to know him better and actually feel like that would be "right." And again, the safety issue. It just seems like a guy that's grown up where I have and has mutual friends would be easier for me to trust. But don't get me wrong, I did/do actually like this guy. damn!

i fear leading girls on.

You shouldn't date someone just to be dating, so don't have sex just to have sex. Wait until you meet someone (willing and trustworthy) who makes you want to.

Phil Collins, "You can't hurry love"
I need love, love
ooh, ease my mind
And I need to find time
someone to call mine;

My mama said
You can't hurry love
No, you'll just have to wait
She said love don't come easy
But it's a game of give and take
You can't hurry love
No, you'll just have to wait
Just trust in a good time
No matter how long it takes

How many heartaches must I stand
Before I find the love to let me live again
Right now the only thing that keeps me hanging on
when I feel my strength, ooh, it's almost gone

I remember Mama said
You can't hurry love
No you'll just have to wait
She said love don't come easy
It's a game of give and take
How long must I wait
How much more must I take
Before loneliness
Will cause my heart, heart to break

No, I can't bear to live my life alone
I grow impatient for a love to call my own
But when I feel that I, I can't go on
Well these precious words keep me hanging on

I remember Mama said
You can't hurry love
No, you'll just have to wait
She said love don't come easy
Well, it's a game of give and take
You can't hurry love
No, you'll just have to wait
Just trust in a good time
No matter how long it takes, now break!

yeah, I understand that precisely Joe, but I guess part of me considers the guys here as "safe" (not necessarily in a free-of-disease sense) because this is home-base and no matter what, somebody you know knows a prospective partner. That I guess, make it feel safe and thus a better circumstance for losing one's virginity and whatnot. I don't know.

I think I understand the feeling. I guess I always regarded my community in high school as "normal" in some sense. But my high school itself I did not regard as "normal." I got in touch with one of the women I went to high school with, in connection with one of the reunions. I was telling her about how all these other people had all these happy high school memories, but I recall feeling that my high school was like a prison. She said she felt the same way.

I remember a couple of things about high school. First, the feeling that there was absolutely no privacy. We had this one vice principal, who spoke with a Boston accent, who would go up to couples kissing in the hallway, and say to the girl: "If you'd do this in the hallway, what would you do in a paaaaarked caaaaaar?" Everything related to sex was made to appear filthy.

For some reason, I ran for student council president. So I had posters up in the halls. I used to walk this girl in my biology class to her bus. Her name was Laura M. She was basically a shy young woman who would wear sweaters over her shoulder and who wore these sort of granny glasses. Whatever infatuation I might have had for her, we never kissed or even held hands. But all over my campaign posters I found that people had written: "Joe does [incredibly filthy and perverted act] with Laura M." I'm sorry to report that all I did was walk Laura to her bus. But it became clear to me that I was being "spyed on" all the time.


I'm just very discouraged with the way this whole thing played out, partly because I expected it to happen in my favor. Though he's not actually involved with this other girl/yet, I'm not gonna immediately go after him when/if that whole thing doesn't work out. If he wants me he's going to have to prove it to me and I would take things very slow. Even with my original belief that he was interested in me too, I wasn't thinking "Yeah, I'll definitely be having sex with him." BUt the fact that I was interested did make him a candidate. Of course, I wanted to get to know him better and actually feel like that would be "right." And again, the safety issue. It just seems like a guy that's grown up where I have and has mutual friends would be easier for me to trust. But don't get me wrong, I did/do actually like this guy. damn!

Again, I think I now see where you are coming from. I'm afraid that I was thinking too much about Chris Rock's comedy routine where he says that women make up their minds whether they will sleep with men within the first 5 minutes of meeting them. I have no idea whether that is true or not. Are "first impressions" that important? Maybe they are, maybe they aren't.

I can tell you that when I went to college, what I encountered was craziness. And I found this to be an absolute turn-off. For example, I found out that the students at my university had elected a dog to be president of the Student Union. I guess some people might find this to be funny, but I found it to be disgusting.

There was a woman from my high school and my neighborhood who went to the same college. Although she was a very intelligent and conservative (life-style-wise) person in high school, she just became this complete doper-chick in college. Another woman from my high school was involved in this bizarre ceremony where she was nailed to a mock-cross and then she and her boyfriend went through this mock marriage ceremony, all of which was reported in the student newspaper.

So, I don't know what to tell you. I lived off-campus and commuted to college. This meant I had essentially no social life. But I think if you live on-campus, you will find plenty of opportunity for romance while in college.

I can tell you that when I went to college, what I encountered was craziness. And I found this to be an absolute turn-off. For example, I found out that the students at my university had elected a dog to be president of the Student Union. I guess some people might find this to be funny, but I found it to be disgusting.




Ok I know this is off-topic, but thats kind of funny since something similar happened at my school. At my Uni one year (years before I started going) the students elected a tree as the head of student council. I dunno why...kinda weird, but not disgusting compared to what Frosh Week was like. I'm so glad I don't have to do that again this year.

this is my last chance. part of it is I'm paranoid about going out into the world (i.e. college) as a romantically-inexperienced person (i.e. virgin.) soooo...that's the jist of it :worried:

...

That I guess, make it feel safe and thus a better circumstance for losing one's virginity and whatnot. I don't know. I'm just very discouraged with the way this whole thing played out, partly because I expected it to happen in my favor.

Even with my original belief that he was interested in me too, I wasn't thinking "Yeah, I'll definitely be having sex with him." Ok, I'll admit, right off the bat, that I'm an old-fashioned fuddy-duddy.

That being said, I am a 21 yo heterosexual male with a matching sex drive, so I think I have at least a modicum of authority backing up my perspective here.

No guy is going to turn you down if you are a virgin, for that reason. If he is scumbag, then it will be a conquest and he'll definitely be for it. If he isn't, then he would be honored that he was the one you picked. At least one would hope.

It seems to me that anyone would rather wait for a very special person to come along so it wouldn't be a negative experience, or if your standards changed later (and it does for many people, don't underestimate this possibility), you wouldn't feel cheap.

Me, personally, hearing from some gal that she gave it up in high school just because X,Y,Z reasons you listed and still backs that reasoning today, wouldn't make me think more highly of her.

But, that's just me.

*waits for some other male to back me up*

Oh, and I've been itching to use this smiley, and it's finally apropos:

:hump:

I don't want to "give it up" just for a series of reasons here, I've also got quite a sex drive, it's just as much personal as it is social "pressure" or whatever you want to call it. That being said, those are just some reasons for my discouragement in this situation. I'm not gonna just go wild and accept any guy that comes my way, seriously. I'm just saying I'll have to accept that I will remain untouched FOR longer than I would like. much longer.

It's worth it to wait. You don't want doubt and awkwardness clouding your good time ;)

I think there is a fine line between friednly flirting and outright lets get it on flirting. I assume that in your eyes the flirting seemed like serious flirting and maybe in his eyes it was more friednly flirting. That can be difficult. I also find that AIM and any computer conversations can be misleading at times because a lot of people will say and act in ways over the computer that they wont in person. I would say spend some time with him in person and put the computer chats on hold if possible to gain a better understanding of the actual relationship.

hmm
i had a guy do that like almost exact same thing to me once
(minus the europe)
yeah, basically it sucks.

AIM can be very misleading...and I know it can seem like there are no guys in your school who are worth your attention. And thats probobly becasue there arn't. High School boys are hard to handle.

College is so much better. If you are able to avoid the sex crazy sleeze balls, and really get to know guys, you will have so much more fun, and less stress in your romantic life.

I know you have your reasons for waiting it out with this guy to see what happens, but he doesnt sound like he is worth it.

oh and regarding the lyrics post...very appropriate words! I don't mean to be annoying but to give Phil collins credit for " You Can't Hurry Love" makes me nuts...it was made famous by Diana Ross and the Supremes, and if you havn't heard that version you are missing out big time! (oh it was written by some other guys....Dozier, Lamont Herbert/Brian Holland/E. Jr. Holland)