How familiar is that statement?! It's so common. Well, I thought probably someone else on this thread was in the same situation (or perhaps a man would like to add a baby to the family but his spouse disagrees). We've been married 5 years. We're financially stable but I would definitely agree that another 3 years would have us significantly more so. But I don't care if we're rich....my hubby thinks we need to have a lot more money though. But I'm not exaggerating when I say that anything less than $100,000/year income wouldn't be enough for him! He has high financial expectations.

We lost twins 4 years ago. It was thoroughly devastating for both of us. I picked myself up by the bootstraps and finished college. Now I have a good career. But I was never really a career oriented gal. I got pretty attached to the idea of being a mom when I was pregnant, and it was sheer will-power and devotion to doing the responsible thing that pulled me through school. Well, now I'm ready to sacrifice some level of material success -- I was truly happiest being pregnant out of all the times I remember in my life. How much more so with a sweet little baby to take care of. When you have your emotions going 100mph in one direction and they slam into a wall (like the death of the loved one) you never really get over it.

Anyway, the husband is very loving and wonderful and really enjoys kids. He just thinks we need more time. I feel like I've waited so damn long. I know not to take myself off the pill without his knowledge. That would be out of the question. I just feel like my patience has thoroughly run out. BTW, I am in my early twenties so I'm not running out of time, biologically speaking.

So, I'm looking more for support or coping advice. I already know that any baby should be planned by both parents. It's just emotionally hard. Both of us are open to adoption, too, if that has anything to do with this discussion. I just have major baby cravings!

You need to talk about this very frankly with him. I will tell you from experience it is a mistake to have a baby with someone who doesn't want one. Or wait...if you want the marriage/family thing to work out, it is probably a mistake. If you want the baby it probably isn't. I don't think my daughter is a mistake, but my X didn't want children, or like your current so, said we needed to be 'stable' financially. I became pregnant by accident and this was when I learned that really he didn't want children at all...ever. I love my daughter and am happy with my life, but our marriage never recovered. Which hey....may have been for the best anyway. :)

So sit down and really talk. Ask him to be completely honest with you. Take it from there.

B

Thanks for replying, bethanie. I'm starting to get suspicious, because after we lost the babies he said "I really think we need a year with just the two of us to be ready." Seemed wise enough. Then he said "Wait until about 6 months before you graduate then we can try." Then he said "Wait until after you graduate." And here we are. We are fine. Not rich, not the picture of stability. But we have the money to pay our bills and get health insurance. Geez!! I love him dearly, but this is breaking my heart. He says he understands where I'm coming from, but that I need more patience.

I'm afraid of asking him to be completely honest with me, because it might force him to make some sort of "once and for all" statement that I don't want to hear. He is 24 years old now, and deep down I suspect that once we had several hundred thousand dollars in the bank, had traveled the world, and owned a very large home, then, at the age of 34 or whatever, he would be thrilled to have a family. I don't want to wait that long and I certainly don't want my marriage to end.

We talked about this before we got married, btw. Things changed with the twins and with life in general...sigh.

Do you think that he is using the "let's wait until we have more money" excuse to hide behind the fact that after losing the twins, he is scared to go through another pregnancy again?

I became pregnant by accident and this was when I learned that really he didn't want children at all...ever. I love my daughter and am happy with my life, but our marriage never recovered.

My husband walked out on me when I was about 4 months pregnant. But, he had always said that he was ready to have a child, so to this day, I've still never gotten a real reason for why he left. I guess he got scared. That was about 1 1/2 years ago and we're divorced now. It's hard, but I agree it usually works out for the best.

Great advice from the peeps above ^^^


And I'm sorry for your loss of both twins. *cries*

Both of us are open to adoption, too, if that has anything to do with this discussion.


If your hubby has said that he's open to adoption then he must have some desire to have kids at some stage but perhaps just not now. As Bethanie said you need to have a frank discussion with him about this so that both of you know where you stand. Maybe you can come to a compromise and start a family in five years instead of ten? That might still sound like an incredibly long time to wait, but thinking on purely practical level, even if you left your husband tomorrow for someone else, it could take five years all up to meet a suitable person again and get the relationship to a stage where it was the right time to have a child anyway.

Do you think that he is using the "let's wait until we have more money" excuse to hide behind the fact that after losing the twins, he is scared to go through another pregnancy again?

Natural Chick - I think angie has a good point. It could be that he's still bottled up some deep emotions in regard to losing your twins, that he hasn't gotten over. Maybe he's terrified of going through that again?

Other than that...I've heard many times that most people will NEVER feel fully prepared to have a baby. There's always a better house, in a better neighborhood, a better job, a better set of circumstances. If you wait until your husband deems your life finally "perfect" - you'll be waiting forever. It sounds like he is waiting for that unattainable ideal of perfection before bringing a baby into this world, and sadly, that's just never going to happen.

A long, honest talk is in order for you two. Maybe set aside an evening and pop open a bottle of wine. Try to keep it loving - if it turns into a fight you will both probably say things you don't mean.

BTW, I totally understand the thing about "baby cravings." I have extremely deep and strong maternal instincts. I remember when my husband and I first talked about having kids, I told him that I felt like I was just killing time with everything else until I had them. I didn't like my job, I didn't even have a clue what career I would have liked - I think some of us are truly called to be parents and to devote ourselves fully to that endeavor!

I also want to tell you how very sorry I am for your loss of the twins. :hug:

i'm also sorry for your loss.

in a way, i can understand where your husband is coming from, if his financial concerns are real. it may be that he has a very specific vision of his family life, and doesn't feel that he can provide that right now.

i have a few questions regarding the financials, but you don't have to answer them: when you say "pay the bills and have health insurance" does this mean that you can 'just pay the bills' now and have no real, extra income? are you a two-income family? (do you both contribute to the financial situation of your household?) do you plan on becoming a one-income family when you have your children?

see, my husband and i have a vision of our family life. I will be a SAHM. On our current income (dual income) we make enough money to pay the bills and we have health insurance. but, if i stopped working to be a SAHM, we would no longer have enough to pay the bills, and we would have the added expense of a baby--an expense that gets more expensive over time! if i got pregnant now, i would likely have to find different work, too, and also pay for day care! that's not what we dream about for ourselves or our children.

for us, it is imperative to get to a place where we feel financially stable (which lends to emotional stability). it's also part of our process of becoming emotionally ready as well as spiritually and physically ready. I'm 29, and i'm not in that much of a rush, but i am working diligently to get us into a personal and financial situation that will allow us to have children in the next 3-5 years. Some days, i get eager, but i know that we're not in a position to have children now.

talk to him about this situation and how he sees the financial's playing out. maybe he wants you to be a SAHM, and he knows that he can't support 3 people on his current salary. Maybe he also knows that in 3 or so years (afterall, he'll only be 27, and that's young) he'll be able to support three or more people at home. That's a good thing, and his heart may be in the right place.

you may also want to think about why you want to be a mom so badly "NOW" as opposed to 'when *we* are ready.' one of my friends learned from her experience last year that she wanted to become a mom to escape something else. she didn't like her job, she wanted to stay home with a baby (partly because that's what she thinks is expected of her). she had a miscarriage--which she was sad about, but also that 'saved' her (in her mind). She realized that 1. they wouldn't be able to support all of them if she was a SAHM; 2. she realized that she wasn't ready to have children, partly because her husband wasn't ready either; 3. she realized that she was trying to become pregnant because a) she felt that it was expected of her already, b) she felt like it was the only way for her to have a life and a definition, c) she greatly disliked her job and wanted any way out of that job and becoming a mom seemed obvious, and d) her SILs and such were also pregnant and this put added pressure on her, she felt. So, none of it was about 'having a baby' but rather was about her escaping her job, finding meaning or definition in her life, fulfilling gender and family roles as a mechanism for dealing with pressure from family and culture.

i'm not saying that this is your case--but it's worth considering. i want to be a mom too, but i also realize that *we* are not ready for this--and there are lots of reasons why. But once you know the reasons, then you can both go forward with positive steps to prepare yourself for having a baby. then, you're having a baby for the baby, rather than having it for yourself.

BTW, I totally understand the thing about "baby cravings." I have extremely deep and strong maternal instincts. I remember when my husband and I first talked about having kids, I told him that I felt like I was just killing time with everything else until I had them.

Colorful, I feel exactly that way and I have tried to communicate it to him. He says he understands, but he is still not ready.

zoebird, your posts are always insightful. To answer your question regarding finances, I would still have to work, but I would be able to go down to part-time. Not only does my work offer a free child-care service, but my husband's business would usually allow him to be home when I was at work (he works for himself, from home), but also my parents live nearby (very responsible, would be thrilled to babysit!).
Now, if I continued to work full-time w/ no baby to care for for the next 3 years would we be doing extremely well financially? Probably. My retirement nest-egg would be quite large and our "emergency fund" would grow from sufficient to very secure. While I see the importance of finances in life, I'm just leaning towards making due with "financially stable" rather than "financially well off" in the interest of being a mom sooner.

To address your other points, my feelings on having a baby seem to go back to colorful's quote above. I think in my head a mature, rational response would be to agree to wait with my husband for 3 years (providing he doesn't push the time back again!). I guess I'm a little astounded with how painful that sounds. I know it shouldn't be....we've waited 4 years already. It was just very disapointing to suppress the longing to finish our goal (me finishing college) only to have him extend the time line. It's a pretty intense longing!

Thanks everyone who suggested talking to him. I asked him to take my questions seriously and answer honestly. Did he truly want children someday? (he answered emphatically yes) and Was he afraid of another pregnancy ending terribly like the first? (he answered a definite no)

So now I must take him at his word and learn patience.

Unfortunately, this is one issue where there is no room for compromise. You either want kids or you don't, and if the partners go in opposite directions, the relationship will be torn apart, inevitably.

I hope everything goes well for you and your husband.

I also want to express how sorry I am that you lost the twins.

My current boyfriend absolutely does not want any kids. I'm open to it, but only open to it if I end up marrying someone who wants kids more than me because I do not want to be the "default" caretaker.

I was very upset at first when he told me this, but then realized, hey, I've thought about going to law school many times, only a three year commitment and very expensive but decided I shouldn't go unless I absolutely want to go very, very, much.

Having a kid is forever life-changing, a much bigger committment, and way more expensive. I don't feel the desire to make the financial, time, lifestyle, emotional, physical, and psychological commitment to that as much as I even had towards law school. I realized I should take the decision to have kids as seriously as one would a decision to go to med school/ law school/ buy an expensive house, etc. So now I'm ok with my boyfriend's feelings.

If we get married and one of us changes our minds, one of us will have to either live with the sadness of being childless or we will have to get divorced.

I agree, a solid talk is in order. I would never, ever, raise a child I felt the father didn't want 100%.

I second what others have said about discussing this with your husband. Be clear on exactly what sort of financial situation you want if/when you have children. You may find that you don't "need" things like cable/satelite, the newest car, name brand clothes, or a lawn care service. I'm not saying you do pay for any of those things currently, or that you would be squandering your money if you were, just that they're things most people can live decently without.

If you can reduce your current expenses by living more simply, you may get to your preferred financial situation quicker, thereby reducing your husband's fears of financial unreadiness and your fear of waiting longer than you can stand. If you bring your husband a list of things you are willing to do (like washing and reusing reclosable plastic bags) and do without (a newer car than the one you have), he may think, "You know, she's serious about this. And she's serious about my concerns."

If the money thing really isn't the issue, maybe doing this could help him figure out what the issue is.