So, I'm getting married next spring, I'm planning on a very small, very simple wedding (I'm not one for big fusses and we can't afford it anyway).

A little background about my family before getting to my problem:
My parents are divorced. My dad got remarried when I was 11. My stepmom and I get along famously and always have. When I was 14 there was a huge, messy custody suit between my parents. It was very ugly, both sides played dirty and no one walked away happy.

My stepmom and father are both pastors.

When I announced my engagement, my stepmom offered to officiate the wedding. She wasn't sure where her place would be since Dad would get to be the "Father of the Bride" and Mom would get to be the "Mother of the Bride" and she wanted to be included somewhere. Being the pastor who marries my fiance and me is a logical place for her to be.
Now, here's the problem:
My mom's best friend (who I've know literally since I was born. She was in the waiting room the night of my birth) sat me down yesterday and told me that I should ask both sides of my family what part they'd be comfortable with the other side playing (eg. ask mom what role she'd be comfortable with dad and my stepmom playing). Since my mom and my stepmom can't stand each other, she doesn't think it's appropriate for my stepmom to officiate the wedding. To me it seems like she's suggesting that I have to play the peace-keeper between all parties involved. Which is what I've been doing my whole life. She says it's not, that I should just consider everyone's feelings about everyone's role in the wedding, while knowing that they may not give me the answer that they REALLY mean....

My general attitude is that it's my day and my family can put away all the BS and try to get along for a couple of hours. They were able to do it when I graduated from college. Heck, my mom and stepmom actually managed to sit next to each other during the graduation dinner and managed civil conversation.

I've been having to deal with the family political BS since I was a wee tot, I'm tired of it and I don't want to have to worry about it on my wedding day. Is that being selfish? Should I try to juggle the politics on top of the wedding too?

So, do I try to play peace keeper or do I tell everyone that they need to find a way to get along that doesn't include me worrying about all of them or I'm eloping? Has anyone had to deal with something like this?
Honestly, eloping isn't sounding too horrible right now....

I'm not married, or engaged yet, but my parents are divorced and remarried and I have a bunch of "family politics" to put up with, etc. so I understand your situation. I've though a lot about this for myself and what I've come up with is that they all had a chance to have a wedding of their very own (some of them two). Now its your turn to get married and if they don't like something that is important to you then too fricken bad for them, they can renew their vows if its so important for them to have another wedding.

Congrats! Enjoy your wedding day!

Well, I tried to play make everyone happy for my wedding, and only one member of my family showed up - my deceased father's last wife. I wish I would have had the balls to say, My wedding - deal with it, but I didn't. I agree with what the beloved tree said. And I wish you the best of luck and patience dealing with it all.

...My general attitude is that it's my day and my family can put away all the BS and try to get along for a couple of hours. They were able to do it when I graduated from college...
...I've been having to deal with the family political BS since I was a wee tot, I'm tired of it and I don't want to have to worry about it on my wedding day...

I think you answered your own question better than I could have.

IT IS your day. You won't get to do it "over". And hopefully, only get married once :)
You are not being selfish. This is one of the most special days of your life - do it how YOU want...

I love and respect my family, but if/when I get married again I'm planning on doing things the way my sweetie and I want, NOT the way my family thinks they should be done... (did that once, it was indeed a special and memorable day - for my MOM!!)

It sounds like you're aware of the potential tensions that could be there and are trying to be respectful to all parties involved. I think that's as "unselfish" as you need to be.

Oh, and congratulations!!:love:

My general attitude is that it's my day and my family can put away all the BS and try to get along for a couple of hours.

This is exactly what I was thinking before I even got to it. This is your family...people that are supposed to love you and support you no matter what. Tell them that this is your and your future hubby's day and that they need to respect whatever desicions you choose to make. If they care and respect you, they will put their differences aside for one day. BTW, I think having your stepmom officiate sounds like a good idea. . . as long as that's what you really want, that is. :)

It's your day. If your parents and step-mom can't all be civil for the wedding, then that is their problem to work out, not yours. A wedding is about you and your fiance, not your parents.

If they're still trying to get you to be peace-keeper and not listening to your wants, you may want to consider eloping, or just getting married by a justice of the peace. It's really under-rated. Five minutes, and then you can go celebrate however you want, and no one has to feel special or less special for whatever label they get.

Elena99 = my new hero. :lovesign:

Elena99 = my new hero. :lovesign:

:o

In the end, you should do what makes you happy - it's YOUR day. Unfortunately, you'll never come up with something that will make absolutely everyone happy even if you forwent everything you wanted yourselves. I just got married myself three months ago so I know what it's like! In the end we just did what was right for us and we had a great day.

It's a real shame if people aren't prepared to put aside their differences for one day - especially when it's such a special day for a mutual loved one. I hope everything goes as smoothly as possible and you have a wonderful day.

Thanks guys. I'm glad that you all agree. The reaction I got from the woman who talked to me about this in the first place (my mom's best friend) was that I was a horrible b*tch for being so selfish and not thinking about my mother's feelings.

I talked to my sister last night and after getting pissed off at the person who talked to me about playing peace maker, she told me everything you guys already said, it's my day, and they need to be adults and figure out a way to get along for a few hours. She also said that if either parent starts to fuss about the way that I want things done, that she will personally tell them that they are more than welcome to not attend, or if its the day of the wedding, she will personally ask them to leave (I love my little sis :) )
That being said, there may not be any sort of problem. My mom's best friend is not exactly the most unbiased outsider and the concerns that she brought up have not been brought up by anyone in the family yet.
Seeing as how this is going to be the one day when it really *IS* all about me :D I'm not going to worry about it.
I just need to hear other people tell me this every once in a while....

i think you're going about this the right way.

by 'considering everyone's feelings' and asking permission, you're opening a pandora's box. Having her step mom officiate or co-officiate a wedding is certainly an appropriate choice if it makes sense to you. If your mom has a problem with it, she can get over herself.

what your mom feels for your step mom is really none of your concern. certainly, you want your mom to be happy on your wedding day, but in order to do that, she will have to check her ego at the door. Even if your step mom wasn't officiating, she'd still be at the wedding and you'd likely still give her some part in the wedding service or whatever anyway. Would your mom be happy with that? if your mom dislikes your stepmom as much as you say she does, it's likely that she wouldnt' be happy unless yoru step mom wasn't present--know what i mean?

now, when we got married, we had a similar situation. My grandfather is married to a woman with multiple personality disorder. his children (my aunts) do not like their 'step mom.' When planning my wedding, i had to decide--do i want my grandfather and his wife at our wedding or do i want my aunts? I opted for my aunts because i knew them slightly better and i know that i enjoyed their company. So, i didn't even invite my grandfather and his wife. I was happy with this arrangement and so were my aunts.

Your situation is different. the relationships all around are much closer. Your mom's friend was being a busybody. I know she thought she was being helpful, but she was really finding a way for you to talk to your mom so your mom could pitch a fit to you about having step mom officiate and hopefully stop you from doing that. At least, that's my gut feeling on the matter.

Do what you want. mom will have to check her ego at the door that day.

oh, and everyone thinks about eloping as they are planning a wedding. planning a wedding is a bytch. this is one reason why i didn't want a wedding to begin with. i'd help others plan theirs and saw all of the stupidity involved. i just didn't want it. unfortunately, my husband did--so he got to be groomzilla. i still did all of the planning, so it was a real PITA.