Originally posted by starsprite
no matter what happens, we will still be best friends.

-emily

Emily,
keep in mind, best friends do not treat each other the way he was treating you either. That young man needs to understand the difference between signs of love and carpet threads not being equal.
Life

Good point Life2K, I think that maybe if we just take things easy for a while than we will be able to be friends, because the pressure to make the relationship work will not be present.

Anyway, an update:

So tonight we had aggreed to go to an art show and then out to eat and then back to my house to talk. Well, we went to an art show, then out to eat. But when we got to my house, he said "is it ok if I just come over tomorrow, because I need to get some stuff at your house anyway, and I really have a lot of stuff to work on tonight and need to get home." I didn't want to make a big huge deal of it, but I was disappointed. I think if he really cared enough he would have honored our plans and would have wanted to talk about our relationship, and would have tried to possibly save it! This kind of made me more depressed than I had been all week, and I am actually about to cry about it. Damn it! I was doing REALLY good! Why am I crying NOW?! I am actually feeling more lonely now than I had all week without him!

-emily

I'm sending you a huge hug Starsprite. Stay strong and do something nice for yourself. I think his behaviour tonight just reinforced your decision. Be kind to yourself.

Hope everything works out for the best :)

starsprite, possibly because you felt in control, and felt that you guys were being adult and sorting things out, and him doing that sort of made it seem like he didn't care? Not nice :(

I agree with Life as well, I was with one of these years ago. He was my first real bf, same age, not younger, and he had temper tantrums and would give me guilt trips, and he would cry more than me! Actually, I have never met a woman as bitchy as him. It is pure manipulation, and as long as you stay with them they will not change... it just reinforces that they can get away with it. I am marrying a guy a year older, he and I had huge differences in our maturity at the start (5 years ago) but now he's become such a responsible person (6 animals helps!). I could never be with an "older" guy that is traditional, a couple of my friends are with older men and they are sort of patronising and expect the women to cook, clean etc... just how they were brought up. Not for me. So I guess any age is hard, you just have to find someone open minded and flexible... I'm rambling, sorry... hope things work out, and repeat to yourself "I'm better than this!"

I dont want to but in on this but I do have some comments about the boyfriend thing. My boyfriend can be a mojor jerk and there are many many times where he makes me feel like I am no better then any girl he has been with, what makes this harder is that he is 8 years my senior and "mature" but at the same time "immature" I know I am mature for my age and that is why he and I got along so well to begin with. I mean he will call my crazy and use things against me becuase I have been through a lot in my life and he always tells me I need help becuase I should talk to a perfesional not him but it makes me feel better talking to him its like he lost all respect for me. He talks to this gurl that he cheated on me with and tells her personal things about me and he doesnt care how I feel about it but I cant talk to any guy who even thinks im attractive its like I am not worth him or anyone else and I should thank god he is with me but he doesnt normally act like this he just seems to have changed...I dont know if its a guy thing or what sometimes I think somehting is going on other times I just dont care...I am not tryinv to bring up a point just tell a part of my life since this is about boyfriends...I should also mention we are engaged and thats what makes leaving harder cause I do love him...

vanillaqueen17 writes "I know I am mature for my age and that is why he and I got along so well to begin with... he will... use things against me... it makes me feel better talking to him [than to a professional] its like he lost all respect for me... that's what makes leaving harder cause I do love him"

You don't sound at all mature to me. You sound alarmingly naive. Too young yet to even be in a relationship with someone, anyone.

If someone uses something you say, against you, they are not even your friend, and they are certainly not marriage material.

I love sharks -- they are fascinating animals. I loved Jaws -- that was such a wacky movie. But I ain't plannin' to get my naked self in the water with a shark!

Go Soilman!

vanillaqueen17, Pack your bag and split. The man is passive abusive now. What will he be if he thinks he "owns" you after you are married? If he is unfaithful now, he has every potential of being unfaithful later, over and over. A shopper is a shopper, and this jerk is a shopper. No offense ment.

hey, big ditto. Treat yourself better than you would treat your best friend and then hold everyone else (including boyfriend) to that same level or care, attention, admiration, adoring, love, and respect that you so deserve! Pull together your courage and strength, hold your head up, and run (don't walk) as far as you can away from this dude! There are lots and lots of love's in the world. This one sounds sub-par IMO.

Hi everyone! An update:

Things have been really good lately. I have been talking to him (BF) like a friend and we have been able to come to an understanding that we may be better off friends, before even that is ruined! I feel really happy nowadays, and have even started to get involved with other boys (one in particular I had had a crush on). But I make it clear to myself and others that I DO NOT want a relationship. I am just having fun and enjoying my freedom. It feels really good to be in control and I think this is just what I need, to have fun for once, and date without the pressure of a relationship! I am happy, and having a lot of fun hanging out with my friends. It seems like I have a sign on my forhead that says "I am now available" because I am noticing that as the word spreads that me and the BF are on a "break" a lot of guys seem interested that I never would have thought would be!!! It is kinda cool! Anyway, just thought I would tell you guys that I am happy with how things ar egoing and am having a lot of fun!!

-emily

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES

And a Strong Woman Prevails :D

YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES YES

Can you tell I'm very happy for you?

Originally posted by starsprite
It seems like I have a sign on my forhead that says "I am now available" because I am noticing that as the word spreads that me and the BF are on a "break" a lot of guys seem interested that I never would have thought would be!!! It is kinda cool!

The perfect woman always seems to have an relationship....as a man you gotta act fast when the opportunity rises....

"it's now or never..."

Thanks MsRuthieB!! I do feel like I am handling the situation really well, and am not lonely at all, or feeling depressed! :) Just having fun and enjoying my freedom!

1vegan:
Hmmm, I guess that might be the case then!! It is weird though, because some of the guys are mine & Matt's (BF) friends, and I just never thought of them that way. So I am wondering if they have always kinda been attracted to me but have not shown it because I was with Matt. It just feels good to me to know I am still attractive to guys!!! It is something I didn't really feel when I was with matt. :(

Originally posted by vanillaqueen17
I mean he will call my crazy and use things against me becuase I have been through a lot in my life and he always tells me I need help becuase I should talk to a perfesional not him but it makes me feel better talking to him its like he lost all respect for me. He talks to this gurl that he cheated on me with and tells her personal things about me and he doesnt care how I feel about it but I cant talk to any guy who even thinks im attractive its like I am not worth him or anyone else and I should thank god he is with me but he doesnt normally act like this he just seems to have changed...I dont know if its a guy thing or what

Wow... I just want to say that this situation sounds so familiar to me. I was almost engaged to a guy exactly like this; he had no respect for me as an individual thinking person with valid feelings. He called me names too- he called me immature and naive and childish when I wanted to consult my family about the potential marriage. He tried to coerce me and make me feel stupid.

It's not just a guy thing!! This guy you're describing sounds abusive and manipulative. It sounds like he's using you or just treating you like a convenience object. I'm sorry if I sound off-base, but really, is this "love" worth feelings nothing for? Do you really want to tie yourself down to someone you don't think you can really trust?

It's just not worth it. Not a good situation to be in. It's so hard to see stuff happening when you're in the middle of it. But really... when I look back on the relationship I had, I can't imagine how I stood for the some of the things I let him do to me.

Past behavior is the BEST PREDICTOR of future behavior!! It's a well known line- I like it lots :)

Ughhh.... do any of you worry about running into your old ex's?

The one I just described above is still floating around on campus. I passed him on the sidewalk earlier and I wanted to crawl into the nearest sewer and die. Have you ever had an unexpected meeting with one of them, when you were totally unprepared, and you felt like garbage afterwards??

I didn't look at him and he didn't look at me, or at least I don't think so. We acted like perfect strangers. I'm not sure how I feel about that........... :sick:

WOW ~ it's so comforting to know that I am in the midst of wise women that have had similar experiences. I could bore with dozens of tales that sound like every reply to this thread I've seen, but I'll refrain. I am so glad I stumbled across these boards, you all are amazing!

Originally posted by 1vegan
The perfect woman always seems to have an relationship....as a man you gotta act fast when the opportunity rises....

"it's now or never..."

That's how I feel about men!!

If they're cute enough to like and to date they either:

a) have a girlfriend or fiancee
b) are too good for me
c) would never notice me
d) he's too cute for me to work up the nerve to talk to

added:

e) he's gay!!

I think I'm a good catch, but I think any guy who notices me would never do anything about it because he thinks I'm taken... which I'm not!!! I wish I COULD wear that sign that says, "I'm available!! Come here!!!"

If a guy DOES notice me, I would never know it because they try to hide it.

Originally posted by dawngirl
WOW ~ it's so comforting to know that I am in the midst of wise women that have had similar experiences.

Yes, I agree. It's good to know that I'm not the only one with horrible ex's that lurk around every corner... and other such problems and issues... It sucks..

Don't stand for a man who treats you like that.
Point-finale.

(And when I say that I'm basically talking to everybody here- cuz you know who you are!!)

Ok as far as me not being mature goes just because you love someone and choose to stay with them doesnt make you immature yes we have had our problems but It is hard to leave someone when you truly love them and have been together for so long. I know I am not perfect and I dont want to give up something if its the right thing for me. Yes he may be all of the things you said but then again he may not be I dont belive that I am immature in any way I just belive I am in love with someone who takes my weaknesses to his advantage I know I am not perfect and I dont know what happened to our relationship but I dont need someone to tell ME how immature I am when it seems lots of people have the same problem and are doing the same as I am. Love is a powerful thing and it makes you stay. The reason I dint leave when he cheated is because he promised it happened once and it was before he loved me and he just wasnt sure if a long distance thing would work out and I belived him right now I dont know if he would do it again maybe he would but it dont change that I still love him! I am not mad or anything I jusst thought I could explain how I felt and maybe it might help you to understand why I stay with him...

"just because you love someone and choose to stay with them doesnt make you immature... It is hard to leave someone when you truly love them and have been together for so long."

One way you know if you are "mature" is if you are able to somehow manage to do something that feels very hard to do, because you know it is better for you if you do it.

I am not so concerned about the "cheating" -- if it doesn't bother you too much, and you can tolerate it, perhaps it may not really hurt you -- as I am about the "using things against you." Of course how he "cheats" seems to be a problem here -- he tells the person he "cheats" with "personal things" about you -- and doesn't care how you feel about that? Do you feel bad about that. Did you tell him how you feel? Does he do it anyway? If so -- not good -- worse than merely "cheating."

Well I just dont see myself as immature because yes I have thought about leaving but it is really hard to do when you are that much in love and it takes time maturity is a opinion to me and well lets face it I think its different for the bothj of us I mean I do not think I am immature I do have a lot to learn about life but I think no one knows everything everyone just knows something, I mean yes irt hurts me all of it does but i still lov ehim and sometimes love is powerful in that way!

Hi VanillaQueen.

I had a hard time leaving my BF. I love him still but don't think I am in-love with him. It was just too hard to make that emotional attachment to him anymore (if you know what I mean). Anyway, I still love him as a best friend and the person that knows me the best. Our relationship was just not meeting my needs. I wanted to leave on several occasions, but ended up not, because we talked, and everything seemed ok for a couple weeks. Then things would go bad again, and finally I had just had enough. I realized I was not being fair to myself, by sacrificing my happiness to stay with someone who loves me and who I love, but who was just not giving me what I needed. So this last time that he blew up, I decided that was the last time I would put up with it. I decided I would be better off, happiness-wise. I am happy now, and I totally think I did the right thing, and made the decision that was best for ME- which I think took a lot of courage for me to do. I realized, I may be lonely. But the prospect of that was just as bad as being in a relationship with someone that does not make me feel loved in the way that I need (ex. "number one is the lonliest number that you'll ever do, number two can be just as lonely, it's the lonliest number since the number one"). As I mentioned before, I had been close to breaking it off with him on several occasions, probably about 5 or 6 times, that is how unhappy I have been over the past year or more. He just kept doing (or not doing) things that made me unhappy and feeling un-loved, or un-important. And I finally realized that I deserve better! I made the decision, and I stuck to it. And it has proved so far to be very good. I feel so much happier now and a certain weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I think it was the pressure I was feeling in he relationship to make it work, when I knew that it probably would not. I had two choices:

--Stay in the relationship and be unhappy.
--End the relationship and get a chance to be happy.

I took my chance at happiness.

Sometimes you've just got to put yourself first.

Well said Starsprite :) By the way, nice hair do ;) It looks so cute on you.