I have never posted on here before but this just happened to me and I have never had to deal with it before and I need support because I am not getting much from the people I love. First a little background. When I was fifteen I was sexually abused by a thirty-six year old man I am now twenty and this incident has screwed my up so much. At eighteen I finally decided to try the dating thing out and found a guy who ended up lying to me about the fact that he was married. He had crushed me and took my virginity. Ever since that I would run to guys for comfort and began to feel that the only thing guys wanted from me was sex. I was used. Then I met Shaun and he loved me and took care of me in no way that anyone else had ever before, we have been together a year now. Just last week I discovered that he has been seeing someone on the side for the past couple of weeks for emotional support saying that during the past few months I have not been there for him. We have been planning to move out to San Francisco in January together to go to school. This is a big step at least for me and I have probably been a little selfish in my emotions. Also before I found out about all this I had just moved into his apartment so we can save money together. This has just crushed me I love him so much I have no where else to go. He wants me to stay with him and still go to California with him even while he explores his feelings for another girl. I hurt so bad that last night I was in the ER having a panic attack. Any advice would be appreciated.

I'm not so great with emotions, but if you're having to go to hospital with panic attacks over that, maybe some kind of meds would do a bit of good.

I'm sorry to hear that dear. My advice would be to leave him, because if he's getting "emotional support" from someone else it doesn't seem like he really wants it from you anymore. I know it hurts but it's going to hurt no matter what. Alnd you must have other friends - try spending more time with them and with your family. I know that you said they're not really supportive but ask them not to talk about it and just occupy yourself with something.
and think of it this way : everything happens for a reason

everything happens for a reason

I disagree with that. It's up to you to make the best use of a situation you find yourself in.

I disagree with that. It's up to you to make the best use of a situation you find yourself in.
you don't have to disagree because what you said is not really an argument :) i agree that it's up to you to make the best of it, but what i'm saying that maybe you're in that situation for a reason - it's a chance for you to to something else/ to do something differently and it usually ends up working out better for you. A year later you'll look back at the time something you considered unfortunate happened and you'll see how it changed your life to better.
And now that i've explained what i meant by that saying lets not argue please and focus on giving this girl some advice.

So basically he's not even sorry that he's been with this other woman? If your friend told you this story, what would you tell her to do?

I'm sorry this happened to you. Like it's been said, it will hurt and it will be hard. But I think you know that this is not what's best for you. Have faith that not only can you do better but that you deserve better.

P&C, First I am so sorry that you are going thru this! I have been there and it sucks. When my highschool sweetie cheated on me, we tried to get past it. We got married and had a child, but I really never forgave her. So much that I ended up cheating on her, and she on me within the first 2 years of marriage. Our marriage needless to say fell apart. I think the only advice I can offer is to get a little space from him and do some real soul searching to determine whether you can honestly and 100% get over the fact that he was unfaithful. If the answer is yes, then maybe give another go with him. (and dont believe that old saying that once a cheater always a cheater, I am proof of the opposite) If the answer is no, then my thought is that your resentment will eventually build and your relationship may suffer as a relult. So really be as brutally honest with yourself as you can stand, and make that determination: can you get over the fact that he cheated? This is more about you and your abilities than the question "will he cheat again?" That will sort itself out in the future, but right now, you need to decide if you can love him without the thought of what he did all the time.

I really empathize with you, and know firsthand your pain. Please take care of yourself!!

:hugs:

sean

Thanks guys for replying so quickly I feel really lost right now because Shaun meant everything to me. He's been telling me how it is my fault that he cheated and that just makes me feel even crummier. I don't know what I am going to do but getting your responses made me feel better. Thanks!

Well, he cheated because he's an ass and got caught and now playing the "blame game". If he cheated he has no right to blame it on you, that's just wrong, he wants to make you feel crumby so he can feel better about himself. Lots of good people out there for you, you could end up finding someone MUCH better at school. Good luck, feel better, more common of a problem than you realize. You'll be fine!!!!

The fact that he is blaming you for his horrible behavior is a HUGE red flag of an abusive partner (emotional, sexual or physical). Please scroll through this whole page (http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/page17.html) to see if any of these other items fit. Although it is my strong opinion is that you've already told us enough for me to safely say you should run for the hills ASAP. It will require courage, but it will be worth it. It will make you a stronger person once you have done it.

Did you tell him to cheat on you? Did you force him cheat on you? No. It's NOT your fault. It has nothing to do with who you are and everything to do with who he is. You deserve better, and don't let him make you think anything else. Even if he found that he didn't love you anymore and wanted to be with someone else, he should have had the respect and decency to tell you upfront so that you could move on. The fact that he hasn't makes it sound like he's being very selfish. He actually wants you to stick around while he sees someone else? What about YOUR needs? If he doesn't care about them, than you should move on, get comfortable with yourself, and then find someone who does care about you and your needs. It will be hard. I'm very sorry this has happened to you, and I hope you get through it as well as possible.
:hug: :hug: :hug:

I'm so sorry to hear this news. I know it's painful (been there). I agree with what other members have said, you should leave him. Perhaps it would be a good idea to give the dating scene a break and develop a strong sense of self. Do your own thing. I know that it's difficult to be a young person out on her own and it's so much easier with a mate to brave the world but it's a bad cycle to get into and get used to. Also, from what i've learned in my life is that cheaters tend to cheat again and he should have consequences for his actions (losing his relationship w/you). That would really benefit him if he really does care for you at all.
good luck

first, i'm very sorry that you're hurting.

second, take care of yourself first. the best thing tht you can do is seek councelling in this matter. i was sexually abused/assualted when i was young--and councelling really worked for me. it could be that your destructive pattern of connecting to less-than-honorable men is stemming from your experience at 15. if you can work this out, then you will avoid this sort of treatment in the future.

this is not to say that you brought this on yourself or that you deserve it, because you don't. Those men are responsible for their own actions--actions which were callous and hurt you. You were vulnerable (due to your sexual abuse experience) and they took advantage of that vulnerability.

i would recommend that you not go to California with him while he explores his feelings. He can explore his feelings without you and if he determines that he wants you, he can come and get you. By then, you may decide that you don't want him, and that might be a good thing--who knows? But, it will provide space for you to heal and discover what you want and deserve and it will provide him the same space to explore his feelings for this other person.

i wish you all the best. good luck!

First off, I would leave his ass for sure! If he had loved you so much, he would have no good reason to cheat on you in the first place!

I agree with what's been said here. If he loved you the way you deserve to be loved, he wouldn't cheat on you. He especially wouldn't cheat on you and then blame you about it! That's just ridiculous. Dump his ass, and don't go to california with him. If you choose to go, do so because you think it's the best place for you to be... Shaun-free. He's not worth your time.

{{{{{hugs}}}} You'll need some hugs. You'll need support of family and/or close friends.
You need to take care of YOU right now, no matter how much you think you love this guy - You need to find your own way - away from him!!

Yes, leaving is a SCAREY step... I know it'll be hard.
Probably the hardest thing you've ever had to do...
It will require a tremendous amount of courage, more than you even think you have, but you can do it...and it will be worth it.
And it'll make you a stronger person for doing so.

Good luck.

((((HUGS)))) I agree with what everyone else has said. In a weird way, staying with the person who is abusing you is the easy thing to do, because a certain part of it is comfortable, and leaving is so scary. But it is a terrible long term solution. I think you deserve better. You know, there are in fact people out there who think that cheating is a horrible, unethical thing to do. especially given your history, he should have KNOWN MUCH BETTER. He may think he loves you, but what is this bit about exploring a relationship with another girl??? Thats totally unacceptable. One day, you're going to find someone who appreciates you for who you are, and will count their lucky stars to have you. Leave this guy as soon as you have the strength to, because its the right path to start yourself healing. All our hopes and thoughts are with you. ((((HUG))))

It's definitely not your fault, he's the one being the idiot and taking advantage of you *hugs*.

Since you've had trouble with relationships in the past, have you considered trying to be single for a while? You might need time to just be with yourself, to heal and learn more about what YOU want and need.

Leave his A$$ You dont neeed him and second you need to get help for your problems.
Next i know its gonna be hard but he aint worth it. YOu can do better. Leave him and get help for your self he dont love you:hug:

Let him go to California without you. Say good bye. Detach with love.

Maybe get yourself some therapy for your self-esteem issues.