Well some people may have seen my previous post about my parents who are going to get divorced, argue a lot etc.

Well now they have had a chat (I know- an actual bit of communication between them). My Dad didn't even know that my Mam wanted a divorce but she hadn't actually told him properly, she'd just made a load of vague statements such as- "we could sell the house or something"- "we could consider splitting up"- but she never made it clear to him. I was crying in my room and my Dad saw me and I told him I was upset that they were going to split up and he said he didn't know anything about it. So my little crisis made them actually talk to each other- they only talk about their relationship when I have some kind of crisis which makes them talk- like the time I ran away.

Anyway they have decided to stay together and both make an effort to improve their relationship and their communication but I think it will never work because too much has already gone wrong. I think they should get divorced- my Mam has spent two years saying she wants to divorce my Dad and now suddenly after a little talk she changes her mind just like that.
I don't know how to deal with this. My Mam keeps changing her mind about what she wants to do and it is playing games with my head and I am finding it really hard to hold it together with all these really sudden changes. I got used to the idea that they were splitting up and now I have to get used to the idea that they aren't- knowing that they'll probably change their minds again.

I feel so messed up over this, I find it hard to talk to people in case I accidently mention that things are not going well because I want to keep this private from people I know.

I need some sympathy or advice or just for someone to actually really care about me right now- feel really sorry for myself. :brood:

I'm sorry for all the pain you're going through! :hug:
As frustrated as your mom is at the situation and your dad and all that it's probably hard for her to make the decision to officially make divorce a reality. Living with parents fighting is incredibly emotionally taxing, hang in there!

Aw it sounds like all three of you are having a really tough time at the moment. It's probably a big step for your mam to take too, and maybe she just wants to be certain that she's doing what's best for her (and you).

Anyway, I hope it all works out, and I hope you feel better soon. *hugs*

i'm sorry for the difficulty as well. i recommend talking to a school councellor when you get the chance. that person can do more for you than any of us.

i'm sorry for the difficulty as well. i recommend talking to a school councellor when you get the chance. that person can do more for you than any of us.

ive never known a counselor or therapist to be of any good to anyone

Maybe some time when you and your mom are alone and getting along you could just mention that it is stressful when things go back and forth. She probably goes back and forth in her mind a lot, but maybe doesn't realize that discussing these things in front of you when things aren't 100% settled is really hard on you. Of course they may not know at any given point if things are settled, but perhaps they should discuss it more privately or discuss things *with* you instead of around you.

silverundertone:

then you haven't had enough experience.

I was thinking about counselling because I went to counselling last time thgings were REALLY bad between them and it helped to talk to someone outside of the situation.
I am leaving home in September and I wanted to feel like I was doing something great and growing up a bit more etc. but I just feel like it is a way for me to escape. I have nothing to do right now because I am on school holidays so it makes it even harder being around them all the time.
My brother just found out the news so he is now- "going to have a word" with my mother and persuade her to get divorced after all- my Mam has dragged him into this by talking about my Dad behind his back all the time. So now he is going to get more involved- this whole thing is going to end in tears. :cry:

Oh wow, Ilikequorn, you are describing exactly how I grew up. My Mom kept telling me she was leaving my Dad and then wouldn't. Or she'd talk to him a little and they'd 'work on things' for a few weeks before everything went back to the 'same ole same ole'. Finally when I was 20 and was in the Army, stationed near Boston, my Mom called me one last time and explained why she was leaving my Dad. I applauded her and told her I'd be there whatever she needed...just call. Well, I didn't hear from her for several days and got very worried (my Mom's never been on her own), so called home and there she was....changed her mind again. For some reason that one was the last straw and I just told her that she couldn't talk to me about Dad anymore, since it was clear she didn't plan to leave...and what she was doing using me like a psychiatrist was hurting me.

You might want to have that talk with your Mom at some point. I basically had to tell my Mom, though I loved her very much, "Put up or shut up."--she chose shut up. She's still with my Dad.

B

For some reason that one was the last straw and I just told her that she couldn't talk to me about Dad anymore, since it was clear she didn't plan to leave...and what she was doing using me like a psychiatrist was hurting me.
This reminds me of the book I'm always recommending, Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner where she advises that you should not let yourself get involved in "triangles" where people express their frustrations with a third party without ever doing anything and thus putting people in bad positions of either being two-faced or trying to mediate the problems between people who should be solving their own problems with each other.

I've known some counselors that weren't helpful, and many, many more that were. At the very least, it would be someone you could talk to without feeling like you were not respecting your parents' privacty.

I've never experienced what you're going through, but just the thought of my parents not getting along sickens me. :hug: I hope things get better for you.

Hey sweetpea!!! There are two people who need to hear what you've just told us. And those two people are your parents.

It's funny how us human beings often tell friends (IRL or on-line) about our problems... but the people who we SHOULD be sharing our fears and anguish with are not told.

Sit down with your parents together, and tell them all that is on your heart. You absolutely need to open the communication channel between you and them. Please do this. You dont' need to hide ANYTHING from them. You can even tell them how you don't believe how they can stay together. Don't keep anything back. Just bare your soul.

A big big hug to you. Hoping you'll keep us updated. Now... go and tell them you need to speak to them.

Awwwww..... I can sympathize, not because my parents went through this, but because I am sure my children felt much the same way at some points thru my divorce....

Just a Mom's point of view here:
I know I "talked about leaving" for some time before I got up the courage and self-esteem to do so...
The difference, I realize, is that I actually *did* leave eventually... but it was a LOOONG time in coming...
I know when I actually filed for divorce, he (my now-ex) 'claimed' he had thought I was just spouting off, bluffng, and not really "serious"... he claimed he was totally taken by suprise and had "no idea"... though I had thought I had been crystal clear about my intentions...
I was not trying to "drag things out" or make anyone miserable. It was just a huge, terrifying step and I had NO idea what would happen to us if I made that "step".

I sincerely tried not to discuss it around my kids, but I KNOW they knew what was going on.
I tried to keep them informed, once I started the whole process, though there were times they didn't want to talk about it, and times they hated me for what I was doing....

Even now, sometimes they'll say it was the best thing we ever did, and other times they'll ask "when are you and Dad getting back together?" It's a hard thing for every family member.

As several have mentioned, really DO try to talk to your parents.
You know best what approach would truely work... either talking to them together, or seperately.... but DO talk to them.

Give yourself a day or two to be calm and less emotional (if possible, and it's perfectly OK if you ARE emotional, thats to be expected!!)
Tell them how it's making you feel.... don't worry about sparing their feelings, just spit it all out, however you have to, no matter how many tears or bad words it takes...

I'm betting they REALLY want to know how you HONESTLY feel....

Good luck dear, and lots of hugs and sympathy. Let us know how it goes. PM me if you need to vent, whine, complain or need a shoulder. I know how messy this stuff can be for everyone...

Thanks for being so understanding it feels good to know that other people have been through this sort of thing and that things do get better.
I might try to talk to my parents about how I feel, it might make me feel better even if it doesn't make any difference to their relationship.
My Mam used to talk to me behind Dad's back all the time when things were hard and say she was going to leave him- a couple of months ago I said to her that I did not need a load of extra stress and she should tell this stuff to Dad. She has stuck to that mostly but has started to slip again so I am going to have to remind her all the time.
I am worried about how my brother is affected because she's turning to him more now. He says he hasn't taken sides but he keeps coming out with all these crappy comments about my Dad and defends Mam whenever I say something slightly negative about her behaviour. In future if Mam keeps using him like this he might turn against Dad. I tried talking to him about it but he says he needs to be their for Mam when Dad is horrible to her *sigh*.

Sorry this is really long and whingy but I can't remember the last time when I could really rely on somebody in my family when it comes to this problem.
I am going to see a counsellor soon before my head explodes.

silverundertone:

then you haven't had enough experience.

trust me..i have.
..what they say is often times pure psychobabble..they dont care and many times have not experienced anything near to what someone might be going through. they tell you what they were told to tell you..whatever gets you to open up to even more of their endless nonsense..
..of course its all individual..as are most things..if it works for you..great..
but it doesnt work for me, zoebird.

..and now back to your regularly scheculed thread..

Believe it or not, I'm going through the same thing. Only I'm really scared because they have split up before. even though they promised they wouldn'y split up I think they are, and they switch back and forth. Right now it's like make up your minds! They both are talking about their fights to me. I feel like the mom now..like it's my job to make things all right..from what I hear this is wrong?