...this is what I would tell them.

1. I don't care how often you clean yourselves, cats do NOT belong on the kitchen counters.

2. (To Sabrina) I have very little counter space in the bathroom. I need whatever space is available for all my bathroom stuff (makeup, makeup mirror, hair things, soapdish, toothbrush, toothpaste, rinse cup, Waterpik, etc.) That means YOU stay on the floor when I'm working at the sink.

3. Don't give me that dirty look. When you are only taking up half of the big, comfy easy chair, I get to sit in the other half.

4. If you absolutely MUST throw up, do it in the bathtub. Easy cleanup, and I don't have to worry about stains. No other area is acceptable. That includes the VCR. I cannot stress this enough. :stinkeye:

5. (To Misty) Yes, I think you're absolutely adorable when you roll around on the kitchen floor, mewing for attention. But when I'm working in the kitchen, you're going to get stepped on. Sorry, that's the way it is.

6. Bugs crawling around on the ceiling are inaccessible to you. Please do not attempt to capture them.

7. *pointing* YOUR food is over there. MY food is over here. Please don't assume that you're entitled to any of the food over here.

8. Snacks are supposed to be an occasional treat, for when you've been good. Don't expect me to keep handing them out like there's no tomorrow.

9. (To Sabrina) *pointing* You can sit anywhere you want on this nice, big, comfy bed. WHY do you insist on curling up on the book I'm reading?

10. My clothes closet is not a feline playground. Please stay out of it.

:D

Dude-
Bucky is NOT a threat to your position as alpha male. He really just wants to live in peace.
My arms are not your personal scratching and gnawing posts.
If you want to be affectionate, do all the kneading on my back. It's cheaper than a massage. My boobs/stomach/crotch are not where I want you kneading.
Do not wipe your wet nose on me.
If you want attention while I'm getting ready in the morning, just meow, DON'T jump on me because you want to be picked up. If you do, I may throw you out of the bathroom.

Patches-
I'm trying to read the newspaper, not you.
I'm trying to eat my food, not your cat hair. And, your food bowl is in the other room, not in the kitchen.
Bucky never did anything to you so just leave the poor cat alone.
The sink is not your personal drinking fountain.
If you catch a mouse, DO NOT BRING IT TO YOUR VEGETARIAN HUMAN! TAKE IT TO THE OTHER PEOPLE! I DON'T WANT TO SEE A MOUSE CORPSE IN YOUR MOUTH!
If you have the need to throw up a hairball, please do it on the wood floor. I can clean it up easier.

Bucky-
The space beteween my desk and the wall is NOT your personal litterbox.
Stop begging for food, you're fat enough already.
I understand that we have different sleep schedules, please don't interrupt mine, and I'll do the same for you.
Sometimes, I don't want to hear your voice.
Escaping outside isn't a smart idea.
Yes, the hot tub has WATER in it, sticking your grubby little paws in it will get them wet.

To everyone-
Black hair doesn't make my white clothes look nice, and white hair on black is the same way.
My hair is not a toy.
No, you may not have a pet bird.

To Christina-
If you'd stop freaking out at the sight of Rascal, you'd be allowed in the bedroom at the same time.
Chasing Rascal around the kitchen does not help your case.

Allowing Rascal in the same room as you does not in any way limit the amount of attention that I'm able to give you.

No hairballs on the bed any more, please?

If you'd sit still, brushing wouldn't have to be traumatic experience.

To Rascal-
If you didn't try to jump on Christina, she wouldn't feel so inclined to attack you.

Sometimes, we have to do things around the house that do not include you, that does not mean that we love you any less or that you're being neglected in any way, shape or form.

3am is not, I repeat, NOT playtime.

These are too funny and too true. Whoever said the one about kneeding on her back cracked me up. I say this to my cat all the time.

Harley:
-I think it's great that you want to make sure I'm still alive when I'm asleep, but waking up with your fat butt laying on my chest and breathing an inch from my face is not always the best way to say "Good Morning".

-(This one is my fault)I understand that I may have babied you a little too much when you were sick by carrying you to your food and water when you were hungry and to the littlerbox to go potty, and then back to the bed when you were done, but don't you think that 7 years later is a bit too long to still be milking it?

-What did I ever do to you to make you hide behind walls and slap at my ankles every time I walk by? Cooper (my dog) wants to know the same thing.

-Please stop trying to run outside every time the door is open. You know I don't want you outside and you'll be crying at the door 2 minutes later to come back in anyway.

Cooper:

-Just because I look at you doesn't mean I want you to jump up on my lap. You weigh like 100 lbs.

-If the car door is open, it doesn't automatically mean that we are going bye-bye. Stop jumping in. (It's a pain to get him back out)

-I know you like going down the slide at the park, but you have to wait your turn just like the other kids.

-I'm sorry that Taylor thinks you're a horse and tries to ride you I'm also sorry that she blames you every time she makes a mess. Don't worry, we know it was really her. :)

-Do you really have to lay your big head on MY pillow and roll your hairy butt up in my sheets?

-The neighbors really don't like when you howl at the moon.

To Horatio:

Yes I realize you were probably weaned young but STOP SUCKING ON YOUR NIPPLE! It's not healthy.

To Simon:

Even though Grandma feeds you all the time, you don't have to eat all that food....

Brutus, darling, you are a CAT. you have lovely limber cat legs that enable you to jump up on things that others can't. You jump up on things like porches, chairs, and tables all the time. You are perfectly capable of jumping up onto the windowsill all by yourself to get to your food. Standing there and meowing expectantly at me is not going to make me pick you up and put you by your food.

Also, my love, I'm perfectly happy to fluff your food for you before you eat it. usually. Not at four in the morning, though. At four in the morning, you can go down there and eat flat food. It's not that big of a deal. I don't even see what fluffing does to it.

Brutus... also... I'll be home before you know it. I miss you something fierce and it won't be too long before I can get a place of my own and we can live together, happily ever after.

Caruso, dude... after you use the litterbox, the proper way to bury your leavings is to scratch at the LITTER. push it over whatever you leave behind and then leave the litterbox. Chilling in there for half an hour madly scratching at the sides of the cover and then coming out and scratching at the wall next to the box for another half hour isn't going to do anything. and if you're going to do that, at least shake off your hind feet before exiting the box so that you don't track litter everywhere.

To Tao: MY shoelace! MINE! hey! that stuffed dog is mine, too! and those ponytail holders! cats don't wear ponytail holders! quit stealing my stuff! you've got a bunch of your own toys to play with!

To Zen: Caruso loves you very much, but he's about three years older than you and that makes a difference when you're a baby kitten. Just let him hang out with me along for a while, okay? please?

also, there's a big gaping hole behind where the couch is propped up. Caruso knows where to lay so that he doesn't fall. You do not. ntil you learn not to step on big gaping holes, please don't climb up onto the couch. It gets kind of tedious having to move the thing every five minutes because I'm hearing, "mrow? mrow? mrow?"

Kitter Cat: You have a petting disorder. get help.

Katie: You're so skinny! You need to eat more! I'm eating and gaining weight. If I can do it, you can. You and me, Katie. all the way.

These are not my cats and I didn't name them, but I live with them and feed them in the morning:

Peewey
-Just because Uglee is eating from a dish near yours does not mean you have to wait for her to finish first. Don't let her scare you.

Uglee
- I know you love rubbing yourself against my legs, but it's not a good idea to do so when I'm carrying a plate of food or hot coffee.

- When you see me walking from the car to the door in the dark, it is not a good idea to make a beeline for me, as this will most likely result in me not seeing you and stepping on you. Be like Nirvana and calmly walk up to me, then meow to let me know you're there. She's never had her paws stepped on.

Nirvana
- I'm sorry that I accidentally dropped the keys on you while trying to unlock the door to let us all in in the morning, but it wouldn't have happened if you weren't pressing yourself against the door and whapping my legs with your tail.

To the dog:

Bootsie

- Please, please, please stop laying on the floor right outside the bedroom door. And stop barking at the mailman, he's really not a threat to your territory.

-(This one is my fault)I understand that I may have babied you a little too much when you were sick by carrying you to your food and water when you were hungry and to the littlerbox to go potty, and then back to the bed when you were done, but don't you think that 7 years later is a bit too long to still be milking it?

:lol:

Sophie the Cat, to me:

1. Even when you're done with your food, you won't let me lick the plate clean? God, you are *so* selfish.

2. What do you mean, get off your spot on the bed? I was here first.

3. Excuse me, I was lying on that jacket/shirt/pair of pants.

4. I can't believe you expect me to eat the kibble that's already in the bowl. It's *three hours old*.

5. But even though you are clearly a dimwit, I still love you. At least, I love you when I want to be rubbed behind the ears. :p

Also, my love, I'm perfectly happy to fluff your food for you before you eat it. usually. Not at four in the morning, though. At four in the morning, you can go down there and eat flat food. It's not that big of a deal. I don't even see what fluffing does to it.

Hee hee!

All four of you--
Please stop eating things you find on the floor, like bits of cork and plastic. It is not good for you and you have plenty of food.

If you sit in the middle of the floor in the kitchen while I'm cooking or cleaning, odds are I may step or trip on you. It's just part of the risk you take.

Please stop trying to wake me up early in the morning. I'm already an insomniac and I value my sleep. I will give you plenty of wet food and love as soon as I get up myself. Give up on 6 am.

Honey--
I'm giving you the medicine and the foot baths so you won't be sick, not because I want to torture you. You are the cutest tiniest thing, so don't get too mad this week about the meds.

Frankie--
I'm understanding of little kitters weaned too soon, so I don't mind that you need to suck on soft things to feel comforted sometimes. But please don't suck on my roommate's blankets and sweaters. She likes you, but I don't think she wants to find kitty spit all over her stuff. Please confine yourself to the big red blanket in my room.

Bella--
You are perfect. And I love your meows.

Tia--
I'm sorry I had to leave. I will be coming home soon to love you and play with you. I can't wait to see your pretty face. Please don't be too upset about the kittens that will be coming with me. I think you and Honey will really get along if you give her a chance.

Molop:
Your face is beautiful. Why do I wake up facing your smellier end?

When I say 'Molop', I am referring to you. Don't look around the room so warily.

Washing up bowls, even ones that have been recently moved, don't bite.

You are NOT a master hunter. The bee died because it STUNG YOU. Stop prancing gleefully.

I know you like attention, but just a word -- the drooling on people? SERIOUSLY unattratcive.

Taffetta:
I know, you've caught another shrew. If you don't want me to save it, kill it outside.

Molly does NOT want to play, at least, not with you. She swishes her tail in warning, not so you can chase it. Don't come crying to me if she swats at you.

Me to Mr Kitty ..... Please stop dipping your paw in my tea and licking it.

Mr Kitty to me ......please take a number and I'll get back to you in sequence !

hahaha

/bump

Because I have more to add: :D

To Sabrina: If you insist on knocking the dry food out of the bowl with your paw and onto the mat so you can eat it more easily, at least do me the courtesy of finishing off those little bits of food you leave scattered everywhere, so I have less of a mess to clean up later. :stinkeye:

To Misty: Just because you see me get out of bed in the middle of the night, it doesn't mean that I'm ready to play with you. I'm just going to the bathroom. :stinkeye:

To both: I don't care what time of day you designate as playtime, just don't play on my bed when I'm in it, and sleeping. :stinkeye:

To both: I appreciate that you get all lovey-dovey and make love to my hand when you know I'm about to leave, but why can't you be that affectionate when *I* want to play? :stinkeye:

To Misty: The newspaper is NOT a scary monster. See! Your sister comes near it and will even sit on it! Why do you have to run away when I turn a page? :stinkeye:

To Bosco.. (I know this thread is for what you'd say to your cat if they could understand, but I thought I'd include what I'd say to my dog as well)

Searching for the "special spot" to do your business for excessive amounts of time out in the freezing cold rain at the crack of dawn isn't a very nice thing to do. Unlike you, I don't have a nice warm fur coat to wear when I'm standing outside waiting for you.

Just because I fed you those burnt muffins that one time doesn't mean that everything that comes out of the oven is yours to eat.

Putting a tennis ball in my face at 5:30 am isn't a nice way to say good morning.

Giving me those that sad hungry look when I'm eating doesn't work. You get more than enough food. I think that a year is way too long to be milking the I-was-a-starving-stray excuse to get extra food.

Please stop licking your junk every five minutes.. especially when I have company. I know that it is necessary to do that from time to time, but you're going overboard.

Leave the kitty alone. When she gets used to you, I'll let you be around her. Stop trying to shove your toy under the door for her. I'm sure that she doesn't want to play fetch with your stinky tennis ball.

Susannah...

No more headbutting me in the face at 4 am. I know you want your breakfast, but could you at least wait until the alarm goes off?

My food is MINE. Your food is in the cat bowl. Stop pretending like you're just jumping on the table just because you want to be petted...I know you're trying to sneak some food.

When I'm reading a book, that doesn't mean you're allowed to munch on the pages..

I love snuggling with you, BUT SLEEPING ON MY HEAD IS GOING TO SUFFOCATE ME. It's painful waking up with my sinuses full of cat fur.

To Sabrina: If you don't like it when I pick you up and hug you, then don't roll over onto your back, stick all your paws up in the air, and blink those big, gorgeous blue eyes at me in an attempt to look as adorable, cuddly and huggable as possible. :stinkeye:

To Misty: If you don't like it when I push, poke and prod you, then don't perch on top of my computer monitor in such a way that your tail hangs in front and I can't see what's on the screen. :stinkeye:

I practically finished reading this entire thread before realizing it was old. I loved every word. I don't even think I can come up with anything that wasn't already written!

Noodle: I'm happy for you that you are thrilled about peeing on the bathroom floor. But, I taught you to do that 7 years ago. You don't REALLY still need a treat every time you manage to squeeze a few drops out.

Cookie: Stop humping your brother. He's four times your age and three times your size. Show some respect.

Noodle: We've got three pillows on the bed. One for me, one for you, and one for Cookie. Why must you always sleep on MINE and get grumpy when I try to use a tiny fraction of it?

Cookie: When I take you outside to the park during my lunch break, it is strictly for you to choose an appropriate spot to water the grass. It is NOT the time to make new best friends with every child that happens to be there, and especially not the ones with the very dirty hands.

Noodle: Cookie will share her carrot treat with you ONLY if she feels like it. Whining and crying and whimpering and shaking all over with anticipation just makes the joy of withholding that treat that much more for her.

Cookie: It's really not nice to sit there with your treat and wait until Noodle finishes his and then lord it over him that you have a treat and he doesn't. Show some manners and stop laughing at him while you savor that treat for the next thirty minutes. It's not nice to torture your brother!

Noodle: I'm estatic that you've gotten a second wind and have the energy of a puppy again. But, pouncing directly on my chest and sticking your tongue down my throat is not the right way to celebrate said new lease on life. And those are NOT cushions you keep trampling on!

Cookie: Yes, you are adorable. You are even more adorable when not lying directly on my throat with your little neck stretched across my mouth and your little chin resting on my nose. YOU may be able to breathe like that, but I can't! And when I desperately move my head from side to side, that is NOT meant as a challenge to you to keep my mouth and nose totally covered.

Noodle: I've been cutting your toe-nails since 1997. It hasn't killed you yet and likely never will.

Cookie: Sometimes, I do move while I'm lying in bed. Don't take it so personally.

Noodle: My opening the fridge is not an invitation for you to help yourself to the baby carrots.

BOTH: Stop trying to make friends with the smelly drunk guys standing around talking to themselves. Don't get between them and a tree when their hands are anywhere near their zippers.

BOTH: Mommy has to leave you every day, but it's ONLY to make money to buy you food and toys and pay for your heat in the winter and your air-conditioner in the summer.

Disliking guests is fine, Miss Kittikins. Hiding from them is quite all right. But if you choose to disappear the moment the doorbell rings, please don't abruptly re-appear moments later. Jumping from the top of the bookcase onto the couch, streaking out of the room and disappearing into the bedroom really isn't good manners, especially when the couch is occupied by a pregnant woman with a cat phobia. This rule is doubly important when said guest happens to be my employer. Quadruply so when her sole reasons for visiting is to give me my annual bonus.

Stealing your brother's toys and dropping them in the bathtub is not nice. Ditto your mom's house key.

Speaking of bathtubs, I (unlike your previous person) prefer to use mine for bathing rather than toileting. Consequently, I'm really not cool with the idea of your pooping in the shower. Or in the bathroom sink. Yes, kitty litter is expensive in this country, but I can still afford all you need. Please don't help me save money by relieving yourself in alternative locations.

Speaking of your brother, you're twice his size. He can't make you do anything you don't want to do. Stand up for yourself, girl. Don't yowl and wait for me to intervene every time ... particularly if it's, oh, say, 2 a.m.

And Marshy, while were on the subject, you know that tall thing with the long handle that's standing in the corner? The thing you routinely knock over while chasing your feline sister? That's a dust mop, and I use it quite regularly. You really don't need to drag Miss Kittikins around by the ear to "assist" with the housework.

Of course, Miss Kittikins isn't the worst thing you can drag around. Since we're setting boundaries, let's talk about laundry. GladRags are NOT doggy toys. Should you, however, choose to disregard the rules and sneak one or two out of the pile of clean laundry before I get everything folded and put away, please don't develop a sudden conscience and choose to return it by depositing it in the entryway as guests are arriving.

Finally, it's quite unnecessary to demonstrate your maleness by repeatedly humping either of your siblings in the presence of guests. In fact, it's unnecessary to do so at any time. I'm well aware of your gender. I'm also well aware that you're all show and no substance, seeing as how I paid for the operation. ...

Oh, and Magnet, lest you feel left out, you're a sweetheart. You really are. But girl-on-girl tonsil tag just isn't my thing, particularly when it crosses the lines of species. Please don't interrupt every yawn as an invitation to stick your little doggy tongue down my throat.

Harp, do you have to claw at me through the shower curtain the entire time? Sometimes it hurts, and I'm tired of replacing the curtain.

Amber, when you walk over me in bed to get to the window, must you step right on my boobs? I have a stomach and shins that are just fine for walking on!

Guinness, do you always have to be the center of attention, hissing at Amber to go away, sitting on my lap til my legs fall asleep, hogging all the snacks, flipping turds outside the box, and laying in the middle of the kitchen floor when I'm trying to cook?

:p

FYI, cats do understand human speech. Their response to all of the above: "Whatever."

FYI, cats do understand human speech. Their response to all of the above: "Whatever."

:lol:

Buster- It's GREAT that you're a lap cat, but don't claw me when you hop off. You have claws that HURT!

Marcie- Did you know your nickname is "Fat Cat"?

Buster- It's okay that you vomit. But must you vomit all over the floor? I keep on almost stepping in it.

Marcie- I love you. I enjoy having you sleep on my bed. But, I need blanket. You have a fur coat, I don't. So stop hogging the blanket!

Buster- When my sister comes near you, I know you get scared. But don't swat at her.

Marcie- Buster needs to eat, too. Leave him some food. No wonder you're getting fat.

Cybil - The vomit thing. Ugh. Why do you always have to do it on something that has at least a million little crevices? Like the top of the washing machine where it drips inside on the clothes that were just washed, the part of the carpet that has the fringes on along the edges, the part of the counter where all of the clutter is? Can't you at least pick a nice smooth surface to puke on so it's easier to clean?

I've got one for both of my cats
"Just because you get fed when the alarm goes off in the morning, does not mean you get fed every time an alarm goes off. Sometimes I'm just napping."

Zug Zug: If you don't learn to control this urge of yours to climb into every appliance you see, including the fridge, washing machine, dryer, and dishwasher, you are going to meet a grisly end in an accident with heavy machinery someday.