unforgiveable insult from "friend"

[Chrysalis]

Okay I just need to vent because I am just so angry about something a so called "friend" we'll call B said to me. Here's the quick history: B and I were good friends at first, then we dated. When we dated I realized how manipulative he can be, and how he sometimes spoke about me and other girls as though we were objects. I lost a lot respect for him and broke up with him. Afterwards, we tried to stay friends but we fought all the time. Prolly cuz of me (partially), and the fact I had a hard time respecting him. I basically kept my negative opinions of him to myself, and I tried to stay friends with him. Things were finally getting better in the past couple weeks as I began to see his positive aspects again.

But our friendship was still shaky and I didn't really confide in B the way I used to all the time. I think that bothered him, but what was I supposed to do? Tell him things I was uncomfortable telling him just so he wouldn't get mad a throw hissy fits? So anyways yeah...tonight we were talking and he asked where my new apartment is. I told him it's in town and that it's an apartment complex. You think that'd be enough but he kept harping me for specific details and got all mad that I was being vague. He's the sort of person who show's up at people's doorsteps and doesn't leave, and our friendship still wasn't the greatest so I didn't really want him to know my exact address. He asked me why I wasn't telling him my address, and I told him I wasn't going to argue with him. He got all mad at me for not answering and then called me a "cold-hearted vindictive bitch bent on making other people's lives miserable." I have no idea what he's talking about, I mean I am civil to everyone I meet no matter whether I like them or not, and besides, he's the one who rubs his success in people's faces. We have a mutual friend who was depressed last year and had women problems, and B always bragged to him the girls he "got." Which I thought was rude but anyways...*takes deep breath and continues*

Anyways, I asked him for an example of when i tried to make someone's life miserable, and he was all like "how about now?" Whatever the hell that meant. He also threw some other things in my face that he knew would hurt me and make me angry. For example, I am shy, so people often assume I am a snob :( I'm not snobby, just shy. So he knows I hate being called snobby, so he called me that. Also while we were dating I told him something strictly confidential about something really awful my first love Dan had said to me. Tonight, B said that same thing to me, knowing how horrible it makes me feel. And I don't even know why he said it. All I did was not answer a stupid question he asked me! Anyways I'd rather not repeat what it was exactly what he said, but it was really low of him to say that...it's not something I can forgive and I've just lost my tolerance for him. He's said all sorts of things to me before, things he knew would push my buttons and would hurt me. I never randomly insult him. In fact I've done a really good job not insulting him at all so...yeah

Anyways sorry this is so long, I'm just so mad that he would say things to deliberately make me angry and hurt and I don't understand why he would do that. If he wanted to know why I don't confide in him as much I would have gladly explained to him why, but he just started insulting me out of nowhere when I said I didn't want to fight...needless to say I am not speaking to him nor do I plan on speaking to him again. I just don't want to associate myself with someone who says **** to me all the time. Thanks for listening whoever reads this!!

[epski]

I think forgiveness is better for you than it is for the other party. Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you have to speak to him again.

[Vicky]

i'm sorrry to hear that your friendship and relationship aren't working out, but don't get too upset about that ... if he says things just because he knows they will hurt then he's probably not a good friend ....
another thing i noticed is that you guys weren't really open with each other lately, maybe it would have been better if you answered the question honestly and then it turned into a conversation that would help you both out (or maybe not if he's not that kind of person) .... but who am I to judge ?
anyway i'm sorry to hear that and i hope everything works out well for you

[Mskedi]

He got all mad at me for not answering and then called me a "cold-hearted vindictive bitch bent on making other people's lives miserable."

That would have ended the conversation for me right there. I think you have every right to rant.

But as someone else already said, forgiveness helps you more than it would help him. Try not to hang on to this to long. You don't want his stupid comments making you miserable. :hug:

[Jinga]

The fact that you know this person well, but don't trust them to know where you live is a very strong signal that something is seriously wrong. You mentioned that he was manipulative. He knows what to say to hurt your feelings, and is saying those things because he wants to manipulate you into questioning yourself, feeling guilty, sharing in his misery, etc. Those types of people are scary, and in some cases seem extremely prone to being abusive verabally, if not physically. I've had some experience with this sort of person, and I can say the best thing to do is listen to your heart and remind yourself that you are a good person. Don't hang around anyone who tries to convince you otherwise. They are the one with the problem, not you.

[Chrysalis]

well the thing about him is that he always says crap like that to me, and then stops talking to me for a while, until he's figured that I've forgotten about it, then he'll talk to me again without really apologizing for anything. if he does say anything, he'll be like "oh yeah I was just really mad so that's why I said it, sorry." I mean okay I get mad too, but I don't tell people that they're horrible with something wrong with them. It's called self-control and he doesn't have any and I'm tired of taking the **** he throws at me whenever he overreacts, which is often. And I'm tired of him thinking he can say whatever he wants to me and get away with it every time. It's as if he thinks "sorry" will fix everything in the end, so it doesn't matter if he hurts my feelings initially... if that makes any sense.

Vicky: yeah maybe I should have been more honest but that would have turned into a fight (trust me, it would have) and yeah obviously i didn't want that...I still don't see why he overreacted like that. ugh I'm just tired of it.

epski: yeah I do hope to forgive in time, but I don't forgive easily, unfortunately :(

[Chrysalis]

Oh good I'm glad to see ppl agreeing with me, that makes me feel so much better lol.

Yeah I did end the conversation with him pretty quickly, and then I sent him a quick email telling him I didnt' want to speak to him and I want him to stay away from me.

oh yeah, he's also admitted to being manipulative, and he's proud of it...and at the same time he doesn't understand why girls always break up with him. Meh whatever, it feels good to be no longer talking to him!

[Kiz]

Maybe he was insulted you would not tell him where you live? If a so-called friend did this to me it would be me not forgiving them. I'm with Jinga. Not wanting to tell a "friend" where you live is a very strong signal you don't think of them as a friend at all, not deep down, anyway.

[Thalia]

Run!!! This person is the poster boy for a potential controlling, abusive friend/lover/husband. He can't respect your boundaries, seems unusually bent on finding out exactly where you live, and will use any means possible it seems to manipulate and control you. Cut off all ties with this person, don't look back and be happy that you dodged a bullet.

http://ub-counseling.buffalo.edu/warnings.shtml

I think your intuition is telling you something by setting limits with this person. Listen to that voice, it's trying to protect you. Even if this person never physically hurts you, they are probably not good for you.

[Mskedi]

Oh... and I want to commend you on not breaking down and telling him where you live. E-mails and phone calls are fairly easy to avoid, but people showing up at your door aren't. Having been stalked by a crazy ex-boyfriend when I was young (who was also good at apologizing), I know how creepy it is to wake up to find someone riding his bike back and forth in front of your house and then following you as you walk to work.

Yeah. Fun.

I hope you manage to not interact with him ever again.

[Ludi]

Run!!! This person is the poster boy for a potential controlling, abusive friend/lover/husband. He can't respect your boundaries, seems unusually bent on finding out exactly where you live, and will use any means possible it seems to manipulate and control you. Cut off all ties with this person, don't look back and be happy that you dodged a bullet.
I think your intuition is telling you something by setting limits with this person. Listen to that voice, it's trying to protect you. Even if this person never physically hurts you, they are probably not good for you.


I agree very strongly with this. Real friends do not try to manipulate you.

[Chrysalis]

Jinga and Thalia: Wow I never quite saw it that way but you have a point. I think the main reason I didn't tell him where I live is because I thought it strange for him to interrogate me about it and be all pushy. I can see why he'd be insulted but that's no reason for him to swear at me. *grumbles*

Mskedi: Thanks! That's pretty much what I was thinking. I don't think he would stalk me but I think I'd rest easier knowing that he couldn't if he wanted to. But that sucks about your ex-bf. How did you get him to leave you alone?

[catgirl67]

I think forgiveness is better for you than it is for the other party. Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean you have to speak to him again.

I second that. Forgivness brings such freedom! Forgiving someone, does in no way, mean that you are obligated to continue a friendship, or communication with someone. You're just cleaning your side of the street.

If you hold resentments, you're just making yourself sick. That person is going about his day, and probably not thinking about you or the situation at all, and you're going nuts. Give your brain a break!

[Joe]

As they say in Al-Anon, "detach with love." Or, at any rate, detach yourself from this abusive person. Have nothing further to do with him.

[Jinga]

I second that. Forgivness brings such freedom! Forgiving someone, does in no way, mean that you are obligated to continue a friendship, or communication with someone. You're just cleaning your side of the street.

If you hold resentments, you're just making yourself sick. That person is going about his day, and probably not thinking about you or the situation at all, and you're going nuts. Give your brain a break!

Definately. Forgiveness is a good thing. I'm not much for 'forgive and forget'. To me that seems to support the vicious cycle of negative behaviors. However, I'd recommend forgiving then moving on, taking with you the knowledge you gained from the experience.

[Mskedi]

Mskedi: Thanks! That's pretty much what I was thinking. I don't think he would stalk me but I think I'd rest easier knowing that he couldn't if he wanted to. But that sucks about your ex-bf. How did you get him to leave you alone?


Umm... time and not paying attention to him. Though my pacifist father told me he considered getting a shotgun to help out. Heh.

He would call me and say that he was going to kill himself because I broke up with him, to which I responded after about the third call, "Please do." He stopped calling, at least. But that's when he started showing up. And he'd give me presents along with apologies, both of which I refused. The whole ordeal lasted about six months.

It isn't a part of my past that I'm particularly proud of, but I was young, and everyone I've dated since has been non-psycho, so at least I learned my lesson then.

[Veggie-Lover]

hi Mskedi,

I am new here. My name is Priscilla Lim. I have some questions to ask. May I

[Mskedi]

Sure. If it's personal, i'll probably reply by PM.