My grandma died overnight Sunday night. She had cancer, but as of a week and a half ago was completely stable, so I don't know exactly what went on between then and now, but I guess it doesn't really matter... It sounds like she went peacefully.

So tomorrow at the crack of dawn, my brother and sister and I are travelling down to Maryland for the wake and funeral (my parents are already down there making arrangements with my mom's family). I'm wondering though, and I feel weird asking my mom because she's upset enough as it is.. is it really inappropriate to refuse to hang out in a room with an open casket? I've been to a bunch of wakes (mostly friends' family members), and I hate it every time. Its even worse when its someone I knew. I don't mean refuse like, make a scene.. but I really don't want to remember my grandma as a corpse in a casket. It makes me really uncomfortable, and I'd rather just mill around the funeral home. I think if it were me who had died, I wouldn't want to make people uncomfortable, but I also don't want to offend anybody. I really prefer the Jewish tradition of handling death with immediate burial... Thats beside the point... would I seem like a cad if I hung around the room outside of where the body is?

First of all, :hug:

When my father died, I refused to visit his open casket. I had aunts and such coming up to me telling me I would regret it if I didn't see him there, maybe not have closure, or what have you. I still refused. It's been twelve years now, I haven't once regretted it. Grief is a personal, selfish thing. And with that I tell you, do what is best for your grief.

:hug: I just lost my grampa this morning. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. There is nothing wrong with not wanting to see him in the casket. The view in the casket, is the last memory you will have of him, and probably the most vivid for the rest of your life. If you don't want to see it, don't. :)

I'm sending hugs :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: and condolences out to both rabid_child and catgirl67. I'm sorry you both lost people close to you. My thoughts are with you both.

When my mother died I didn't go to her wake or her funeral, because it was just too painful, and I've never regreted it.

When my father died I was pressured by family to go to the wake, and I went. I was six months pregnant at the time, and the whole situation made me physically ill. The fact that people (many of whom I had never seen in my life) stood around chit-chatting and having refreshments while my father lied in a casket really got to me. He didn't even look like himself with all the make up, and they plastered this creepy smile onto his face. It was nightmarish and surreal, and I truly wish I had never seen any of it.

Everyone deals with the death of a loved one differently. If you don't want to go, don't go.

"but I really don't want to remember my grandma as a corpse in a casket"
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If you don't feel comfortable , don't do it!


My mother died in fall 2003. She was at home so I went down all week as she got worse. It was an incredibly stressfult time just due to this but the morning my Dad phoned and said she had died , I went down to the house and I just somehow figured the people had already come and she wasn't there . Well I was wrong as I walked into her room and her body was there ....... and it was the biggest shock I've ever had.

If there is one thing I could take back in my entire life it would be not seeing what I saw . Although at a funeral , everything would be much more 'pleasantly arranged' than in a situation where someone has just died in the night , if you aren't comfortabe ....just don't do it!

Rabid...I'm so sorry. I know you are away to you but you will be in my thoughts during this hard time. Just do what you are comfortable with. Seeing my grandma, then my grandpa shortly after that way was very very hard.
But that is why we have pictures and memories...should you choose to view the casket, just imagine what you *know* she really looks like.

Much love,
Erin

I totally understand when my Nana died I didn't want to see her like that. That is not how I want to remember somebody. I am so sorry about your Grandma. :hug: I'd see if you can talk to your Mom about it .

:hugs: to both of you, rabidchild and catgirl. And I don't think it's wrong not to want to hang out in the room with the open casket. I don't like it either. That's not the way I want to remember someone. So I will go to the visitation/funeral to show up since it's proper, but I look at everything but the deceased person. I do a lot of hanging out in another room or even outside the funeral home. And I will absolutely *not* walk by the open casket for one last look at the person, as seems to be the custom most times. Only once can I remember someone not liking that, but I'm the only one who knows what's right for me.

:hug: :hug: :hug: for everyone.

I don't blame you for not wanting to see the open casket. I'm not sure how you should handle bringing the subject up to your mom but I'm sure she'd understand.

i never go in a room with an open casket. some people may think it's strange, but it's what i need to do. so, i do it anyway. it's my way.

you don't have to ask your mom, just don't go into the room. if anyone asks, tell them that you want to remember your grandmother as the vibrant woman that she was, not as a body in a casket (and yes, i've said this). Most people don't argue with you.

I'm sorry for your loss! all the best to you and your family.

i'm also sorry for your loss, cat girl.

:hug: to both Rabid and Catgirl. My grandpa isn't doing well either, so I know where you are coming from.

And Rabid, there's nothing wrong with not looking. I've done just that the last 2 funerals I went to that were open casket. When your row stands up to go view the body, just walk straight across to the other side of the room and wait for everyone else. Nobody's ever said a word to me for doing that.

I'm sorry for your loss.

Thanks everyone. I appreciate the support. I'm glad I'm not the only one who isn't down with the open casket thing. I told my family when I go, I want to be put in an untreated pine box and buried within 24 hrs of my death (in jewish fashion). This whole wake/funeral etc... process confuses and depresses me.

In the end, these past few days were among the most physically and emotionally exhausting of my life. I sat in the back of the room during the wake, and largely tried to ignore the open casket in the front. I chatted with my cousins who I haven't seen in a few years (they're so big now! i'm over 10 yrs older than all of my cousins but 1), and the two I was with the most are 12 and 14 and weren't too comfortable with it either so we walked around as much as I could take on my heels, and went outside a while. The funeral was closed casket, but I couldn't deal with sitting amoungst my family. It was just too many deeply sad people, so I sat in the back of the church. My brother ended up sitting with me. We were both a mess. Moreso when my parents did the readings at the mass and my mom (it was her mother who died) made it to the last line before breaking down, and my dad was choked up the entire time. But I survived. I found out she died in her sleep, probably from an embolism, and that really was the best way for her to go, considering she had cancer which had metasticized and she had declined treatment. Wr reconnected with a lot of my mom's family we hadn't seen in a while (we live in a different state), so I guess some good came out of it.

catgirl... my heart is with you! i'm sorry for your loss :(

She's at peace now, Rabid. :hug: I'm glad you didn't have to deal with an open casket.

I'm so glad you didn't have to go through the viewing. I have always thought open caskets were creepy. I'm glad it worked out for you. :hug:

My grandfather's casket was open, but I wasn't there. I was there before he died, and missed all of the drunked, back stabbing chaos. The day of the funeral, I helped a friend have a garage sale.

Both of our grandparents are at peace, and much happier than we are! I think the idea of the traditional Jewish burial is a great idea. I went to a Jewish funeral some years back, and it was really beautiful. She was buried in 24 hours, and she 7 day mourning period was so healthy.