Sokara
06-09-05, 08:04 PM
Yeah, there's a million of these threads here, but that's what this forum is for.
Yeah. Well. I guess I was kind of mad at him yesterday. I felt like he'd been ignoring me practically since the week after prom. Which really hasn't been that long. 3 weeks. But it always feels longer. So I recluded, to my little hole, as I do when I feel like people don't care. The other day I was really upset about my mom. Been thinking about getting her out of my life. Then yesterday I was acting the same way, but because of him. I was watching him the whole time we were at this thing (which I'll just say is a thing, because I don't want anyone googling this post by typing in our org.s name, but it's basically 20 high schoolers getting together doing social change theatre. we were rehersing for this weekend.) And at first he was just talking to other people. And even when I was like, HELLO I"M HERE although not exactly like that I guess, he would actually leave to talk to other people. He's so flirty with Rebecca. I know he's not after her, she's after someone else, he knows it and is trying to help her, the guy's his friend. But like. He completely ignores me. Then everyone leaves. And tic tic tic Oh NOW he'll talk to me. And he touches me and I just wanted to rip his face off. But we go home and he calls me. And I tell him the truth, which is really hard for me to do because I didn't feel like he cared. But he did I guess. And I told him I was just WAITING for him to break up with me. And so it's my fault, because he never even thought about it until then. I told him the truth because I want it to work and it can't when you don't talk and be honest. But we never talked. And then, all of a sudden, he was the one deciding if he would break up with me. How is that fair? I didn't do anything! I feel used. Don't know why I ever had sex with him. Do, and bam, a week later they don't care about you anymore. And so today he said he didn't think it could work out. Said we are too different. As if anyone's ever exactly alike! We have tons in common. Everything. I thought it would be perfect. And now I feel horrible, and I've hurt myself more than I have in years, even when I was addicted to it. I'm calling him tonight. I want it to work out. I know it can. If everyone always broke up whenever they had a falling out then relationships would never last longer than a week. He told me that he'd been receding because he has commitment problems. And that he didn't think about breaking up until last night. And that he wants to be my friend. It's gotta turn out okay. I don't think I can do a performance with him without crying for gods sake. Why'd he have to do this now? I'm supposed to be happy. It's the last day of school. I don't know what I'll do all summer. I can hang out with my friends anymore cuz he'll be with them, my bestfriends leaving for Kentucky, my other is going back to Germany. I can't go to her goodbye party because it's gonna be at his house. He probably won't even envite me. We were going to do so much, and now I'm gonna be stuck in my room in my computer all summer, doing online summer school, and being a geek and working on my website, until I get a crappy job as a telemarketer so I can get hosting for my site, then I'll have TONS to look forward to. My friend had a catscan or whatever done and there may be a big lump on the back of her brain. I'm sick of losing everybody. The only one I can rely on is my dog. And he's sleeping right now. I've never felt so sad in my life, even with friends dying, my family being ****, losing friends, losing my last boyfriend of 2 years. I tell him the truth and look where it gets me. It's pathetic! I ****in loved him. I'm ****ing pathetic.
I'm sorry I'm incomprehendable.
Yeah. Well. I guess I was kind of mad at him yesterday. I felt like he'd been ignoring me practically since the week after prom. Which really hasn't been that long. 3 weeks. But it always feels longer. So I recluded, to my little hole, as I do when I feel like people don't care. The other day I was really upset about my mom. Been thinking about getting her out of my life. Then yesterday I was acting the same way, but because of him. I was watching him the whole time we were at this thing (which I'll just say is a thing, because I don't want anyone googling this post by typing in our org.s name, but it's basically 20 high schoolers getting together doing social change theatre. we were rehersing for this weekend.) And at first he was just talking to other people. And even when I was like, HELLO I"M HERE although not exactly like that I guess, he would actually leave to talk to other people. He's so flirty with Rebecca. I know he's not after her, she's after someone else, he knows it and is trying to help her, the guy's his friend. But like. He completely ignores me. Then everyone leaves. And tic tic tic Oh NOW he'll talk to me. And he touches me and I just wanted to rip his face off. But we go home and he calls me. And I tell him the truth, which is really hard for me to do because I didn't feel like he cared. But he did I guess. And I told him I was just WAITING for him to break up with me. And so it's my fault, because he never even thought about it until then. I told him the truth because I want it to work and it can't when you don't talk and be honest. But we never talked. And then, all of a sudden, he was the one deciding if he would break up with me. How is that fair? I didn't do anything! I feel used. Don't know why I ever had sex with him. Do, and bam, a week later they don't care about you anymore. And so today he said he didn't think it could work out. Said we are too different. As if anyone's ever exactly alike! We have tons in common. Everything. I thought it would be perfect. And now I feel horrible, and I've hurt myself more than I have in years, even when I was addicted to it. I'm calling him tonight. I want it to work out. I know it can. If everyone always broke up whenever they had a falling out then relationships would never last longer than a week. He told me that he'd been receding because he has commitment problems. And that he didn't think about breaking up until last night. And that he wants to be my friend. It's gotta turn out okay. I don't think I can do a performance with him without crying for gods sake. Why'd he have to do this now? I'm supposed to be happy. It's the last day of school. I don't know what I'll do all summer. I can hang out with my friends anymore cuz he'll be with them, my bestfriends leaving for Kentucky, my other is going back to Germany. I can't go to her goodbye party because it's gonna be at his house. He probably won't even envite me. We were going to do so much, and now I'm gonna be stuck in my room in my computer all summer, doing online summer school, and being a geek and working on my website, until I get a crappy job as a telemarketer so I can get hosting for my site, then I'll have TONS to look forward to. My friend had a catscan or whatever done and there may be a big lump on the back of her brain. I'm sick of losing everybody. The only one I can rely on is my dog. And he's sleeping right now. I've never felt so sad in my life, even with friends dying, my family being ****, losing friends, losing my last boyfriend of 2 years. I tell him the truth and look where it gets me. It's pathetic! I ****in loved him. I'm ****ing pathetic.
I'm sorry I'm incomprehendable.