I'm sure I'm not t'only one 'round these here parts that "hate" their father...or maybe I am... :worried:

At any rate, this thread could go on and on with examples of how/reasons why he is a terrible excuse for a human being and generally an all-around waste of resources.

I guess I just need to vent.

Anyway, my parents are divorced and pretty much the only thing that came out of that is that he had to pay for my schooling until my Junior year. Well, I've been out of school for 2 trimesters, but haven't told him. Say what you will about my lack of "communication" and or "dishonesty" with him, but I'm not the one that helped produce three children and then abandoned them because I'm too selfish and ignorant to take care of them...

Gah. Okay so the main reason I haven't told him is because it would be too complicated for him to understand. Seriously. And I fully intend on going back to school so I don't see the issue. The money he has given me thus far is still sitting in my savings account, where it directly goes upon receipt from him.

Today I get this e-mail from him
"no kidding. if you want your money to go to school......."
and that's all it says. So, being the smart-a$$ that I am, I write back,
"What is this e-mail even supposed to mean?? ::MORE VAGUE PLEASE ALERT!!::"
etc. I don't know if he's smart enough to figure out that I'm not in school; I don't know where he'd find out b/c I haven't told anyone but my friends/mom/sister, and none of them talk to him. If he wants to cut me off, fine. But if he's going to act like a child and pussyfoot around the issue and NOT directly call me on my not telling him the past couple of months that I haven't been in school, then I'm not even going to bother with it.

Until that S.O.B. can grow up, face his responsibility, and ASK ME DIRECTLY WHETHER I'M IN SCHOOL OR NOT and/or the circumstances regarding my decisions (I'm going to be going to a cheaper school anyway :rolleyes: ) I'm not going to waste my time trying to explain myself. I don't owe him anything. It's not like he's ever really done anything for anyone but himself anyway.

/end rant

:nigel: N/C.

Well, i'm sorry to hear you don't have a better relationship with your own father. That sucks. I can't blame you though for feeling the way you do. It doesn't seem like you owe the guy anything. And ya, what the hell was that email supposed to mean? :-/

wow.

Why didn't you call him and tell him? It seems like that would have been the responsible thing to do. Now it may not paint you in the best light if he finds out some other way.

sorry to hear about this relationship.

wow.

Why didn't you call him and tell him? It seems like that would have been the responsible thing to do. Now it may not paint you in the best light if he finds out some other way.

sorry to hear about this relationship.

I really despise having to talk to him. I haven't seen him in over a year...maybe two...I can't even remember!

And once my sister called him and he didn't even know who she was. I called him a few weeks ago because there was something wrong with my car (he's like the only person I know who knows something about cars) and I could tell he didn't know who it was at first...

My father is inept. Even if I somehow managed to abridge my personal issues, he wouldn't understand...because instead of being sensitive to OTHER PEOPLE'S FEELINGS AND SITUATIONS, to him it would equate out to:

no school = no money

/sigh

:nigel: N/C.

Sorry to hear about your relationship with your father. Sounds somewhat like the relationship I have with my father.
It's gotten to the poin though that i don't even care what happens to him anymore. I guess you're about there too. When i go away to school next year, it's going to be exactly as you say it is for you now.... i won't even talk to or see him. ever. I just don't care.
Cutting off your money sounds exactly like something my father woul do too. what an a**hole (your father, i mean)!
Email me anytime you want to rant. i know how bd it is to need to vent, but you have no one to talk to ( KT_E_M@hotmail.com ).

Are you going back to school soon? If he didn't find out until recently, you could fudge the truth and say you planned your semester break for now, and you're going to school again when it's over. This will probably only be effective if you do go back in the next year.

He does sound like a complete jerk, though. Did your tell your mom and sister about the email?

PV - is this just a rant where you want us to listen and nod, or do you want advise and opinions?

PV - is this just a rant where you want us to listen and nod, or do you want advise and opinions?

Whichever. I mainly just needed to vent because I'm pretty much set in how I'll react if/when he responds to my e-mail. Though I can guarantee the "You should HAVE been honest with him..." or the "You should BE honest with him..." will fall on deaf ears, because it's no use.

He should have been honest with first himself (i.e. "I should NOT marry. I should DEFINATELY NOT attempt procreation."), then my mother (i.e. "I should NOT marry. I should DEFINATELY NOT attempt procreation."), and then his children (i.e. "I am an unfit father, a shiitakey human being, and a 100% bona fide a-hole. Sorry, kids...whatever your names are...").

If anyone else has distaste, etc. for their father and/or a family member, then I'll accept those posts as well :yes: Heh.

:nigel: C.

KT_E_M: thanks for the shoulder.
Elena99: I haven't told them yet, but mainly because I'm at work and won't have the chance to talk to them until later tonight...

PV - So basically you're saying that he hurt you, and now you will hurt him. That doesn't sound very mature or very healthy.

I was abused growing up, but was able to move past it and become friendly with my parents. I don't understand why you are angry with him, other then he left you and your mother.

PV - So basically you're saying that he hurt you, and now you will hurt him. That doesn't sound very mature or very healthy.

I was abused growing up, but was able to move past it and become friendly with my parents. I don't understand why you are angry with him, other then he left you and your mother.

It's probably not mature or healthy...all I can do is shrug.

A post explaining/listing all the reasons I am angry at him would...probably max out the character limit :p

I realize it happens all the time...fathers/mothers/husbands/wives abandone one another and their families...but the deal with my father is that he just doesn't see anything wrong with it. Like to this day he shows no guilt, no remorse, NO APOLOGIES for what he has done. If that clause hadn't been won in the divorce (his obligation to pay for my schooling, even though he has two other children!), I can nearly guarantee all communication and ties would have been cut. Because he doesn't care about my mother or his children. He only cares about himself.

I don't necessarily plan on "hurting" him so much...but if he would e-mail me back and/or "cut me off" then that would be it. I'd have no "use" for him in my life and so that would be it. And the only reason he was even *remotely* "willing" to help me out through high school (with my car, etc.) and into college (with paying part of my tuition) is because he is afraid of me. Deep down I know he hates me like he dislikes my mother because he knows I am smarter than him and that from day one I have had him figured out. And, he could not argue that he was getting off easy because I worked my a$$ off in high school to get good grades so that I could get scholarships (which I earned a half-tuition scholarship at both universities I intended to go to).

I've already babbled...and that's just the tip of the iceberg, as the old saying goes. Rr. My feathers are just ruffled. There's not much I can do until I get a response from him...there's a part of me that kind of hopes I can tell him off, because up until this point it wasn't an option because of the whole money thing. And, if it turns out that he won't "cut anymore checks" my way...fine. I'll simply wait a little more, continue to work, and get qualified for in-state tuition afterall and pay for it myself. Then I REALLY won't owe him anything later in life.

:nigel: N/C.

First, I am so sorry that you have a bad relationship with your father. Without you having given specific reasons for your distaste for him, its hard for us to address what clearly is the more important issue. But since you brought up only the money....

I have to agree with freshtart. He's giving you that money for a reason. If you are over 18, he has no real financial obligation to you whatsoever, and if he is giving you money for college he has a reasonable expectation that you would be going to classes. Its wrong to continue to accept his money on false pretense, even if you aren't spending it, and even if you plan to go back (I assume that he probably would give you money for classes again if you were to return?) Again, if you are over 18, you are an adult, legally (at least if you are in the US).

Most people hate their parents for at least a time in their lives. Some people have very good reason for this. But he is still your father and the fact that he is giving you money towards school is at least ONE decent thing he is doing, and you should be decent on this issue in return.

My best friend in college felt the same way about her father, in a very similar situation as you've briefly described... until he called her one day (and she hadn't heard from him in years) and told her that he was dying. Within a year he was dead. IN that year they created a relationship that made up for all the years of hurt. I hope it doesn't take something this horrible to bring you and your father back together. On a much less drastic note, my parents and I fought like cats and dogs when I was a teen, and I left when I was 17. I paid for college on my own. Now that I'm an adult, I have a good relationship with my parents. Again, I hope that maybe one day you can acheive the same. I really sincerely wish you the best and I hope you are able to clear up this issue with your father because sooner or later if you continue to be dishonest, it could come back to haunt you (legally he could probably sue for the money if you are over 18.) Take care and I hope you are feeling better today :hug:

bstutzma, I guess I was posting my latest one at the same time you were :D

He's giving me the money because he has to, according to my parents' divorce settlement...if it weren't for that, he wouldn't be :-/

:nigel: C.

it could come back to haunt you (legally he could probably sue for the money if you are over 18.)

Yup. :-/

PV - If he stayed with you guys, even though he obviously didn't want remain married, you would probably be posting right now wishing that he just took his selfish ass and left you alone growing up. It's one of those things; no matter what, sometimes we can't be happy with the situation that's been dealt with us (that's true for everyone, including myself).

You have so much hate. I hope you get past it sometime. You're a bright person and I'd hate to see you live your life with that much bitterness and hate in you. It never goes away and it will always haunt you.

Ahh, I see. I'm very sorry. If he is obligated to pay your tuition because of a divorce settlement, then I would be even more afraid of the ramifications of not being in school and still accepting the money. It sounds like you are in a terrible place - don't make it a worse one by getting tangled up in legal battles over money. My deepest sympathies that your father hasn't been there for you, and that it has hurt you so deeply. I hope that you can overcome this pain, because its a terrible burden to live with that in your heart. In the meantime, you really need to take care of this money issue before its too late. Let us know how things go, what does your mother think you should do???

Yup. :-/

PV - If he stayed with you guys, even though he obviously didn't want remain married, you would probably be posting right now wishing that he just took his selfish ass and left you alone growing up. It's one of those things; no matter what, sometimes we can't be happy with the situation that's been dealt with us (that's true for everyone, including myself).

You have so much hate. I hope you get past it sometime. You're a bright person and I'd hate to see you live your life with that much bitterness and hate in you. It never goes away and it will always haunt you.

Thanks for your POV. I've never thought about the suing aspect, but I'm not exaggerating when I say I don't think he'd be smart enough to do that. And if he is, so be it. In all the years of dealing with him, he's not won an argument with me yet. And by the time he'd get around to doing that, I'd be totally rich and successful anyway. Ha. yeah right :|

At any rate...if I'm able to lay it all out for him...I believe that in itself will be a catharsis of sorts for me. Up until this point, I've had to hold back because of the money. It sucks, but it's the world. I'm not the only one chained down to a bad situation because of money. Right now all I can do is rant and wait. Thanks again, everyone, for the responses.

:nigel: C.

It isn't becoming to put another human down like that. He can't be all wrong; he was able to help conceive you. For whatever his faults, at least treat him with the same level of respect as a stranger on the street, even if that's more then he deserves.

Up until this point, I've had to hold back because of the money. It sucks, but it's the world. I'm not the only one chained down to a bad situation because of money. Right now all I can do is rant and wait. Thanks again, everyone, for the responses.

:nigel: C.

From what you just said, I just realized that you aren't chained to a bad situation because of money, you are lying because you want free money. If I were you, I would tell him you don't need any more money right now and cut yourself off from him completely, before your actions come back to bite you. I would also put that money in a seperate savings account so if he comes looking for it, you wont have spent it on anything but school. I guess you still don't see what you are doing as wrong, and that is the problem here. We all care about you and don't want to see you lower yourself to this level. Even if your father isn't "smart enough" to sue you for the money, you can bet some of the people around him are, and will encourage him to do so once he figures out what you've been doing. Remember we aren't trying to attack you, everyone on this board just wants to help eachother, with vegetarianism, or any of the other problems we present. You've presented a problem, and we've presented some solutions. I very strongly urge you to take them, and to take responsibility for your life as an adult, before a judge sees to it that you do.

I also agree with freshtart. i've found life is a lot easier when i treat everyone, even horrible people, with the same courtesy I would show a stranger. I've even found that some really MEAN people turn around when treated in this way for a long period of time. Again, my best wishes, and good luck. Let us know what happens.

It isn't becoming to put another human down like that. He can't be all wrong; he was able to help conceive you. For whatever his faults, at least treat him with the same level of respect as a stranger on the street, even if that's more then he deserves.

True as that may be, he shouldn't have ever had children because he never really wanted them.

I am seeing that certain facets of my situation fall into that "eye for an eye" basket (as long as I continue on with the cliche statements)...in that he's not given a crap about his family, treated people like crap, so it's "okay" for me to do it to him. Or, as it may go, not treat him atoll.

My mother tried her hardest to keep a "family" together and it was years of damned if you do, damned if you don't. As far as I'm concerned, I have my family in my mother and sister, sometimes my brother but...he's exactly like my father and that's a whole OTHER post ( :dizzy: ) so... I don't know.

FT, I respect your experience and wisdom around the situation...but again I can't really do much until I get a response back from him, because I don't even know what he meant with his e-mail. Even if he doesn't give me any more money, I at least need his tax information so I can file my FAFSA (I know, I'm a slacker)...and he's screwed me over in the past not getting his shiitake together which is why I went the two trimesters I did WITHOUT HEALTH INSURANCE because he never got the necessary papers (that I sent him twice) to the necessary places.

Gah. Again more ranting. These are some of the issues I'm trying to work on and conquer in my life so that I can move forward as a person I guess :-/

:nigel: C.

True as that may be, he shouldn't have ever had children because he never really wanted them.
--------------------
Gah. Again more ranting. These are some of the issues I'm trying to work on and conquer in my life so that I can move forward as a person I guess :-/

:nigel: C.

:-( The first thing you said here is one of the saddest things I've ever seen a person say about themselves. You basically are saying that you shouldn't have been born, do you realize that? I feel so sad for that.

But the second thing you said above is one of the best things I've seen someone say. You know that these are issues and you are trying to move forward. That is very, very good. I hope you can take care of this money issue now and truely start to free yourself from the emotional tax this money has been for you.

From what you just said, I just realized that you aren't chained to a bad situation because of money, you are lying because you want free money. If I were you, I would tell him you don't need any more money right now and cut yourself off from him completely, before your actions come back to bite you. I would also put that money in a seperate savings account so if he comes looking for it, you wont have spent it on anything but school. I guess you still don't see what you are doing as wrong, and that is the problem here. We all care about you and don't want to see you lower yourself to this level. Even if your father isn't "smart enough" to sue you for the money, you can bet some of the people around him are, and will encourage him to do so once he figures out what you've been doing. Remember we aren't trying to attack you, everyone on this board just wants to help eachother, with vegetarianism, or any of the other problems we present. You've presented a problem, and we've presented some solutions. I very strongly urge you to take them, and to take responsibility for your life as an adult, before a judge sees to it that you do.

I also agree with freshtart. i've found life is a lot easier when i treat everyone, even horrible people, with the same courtesy I would show a stranger. I've even found that some really MEAN people turn around when treated in this way for a long period of time. Again, my best wishes, and good luck. Let us know what happens.

I know you're not trying to attack...I realize there are many people on this board with more years/experience/situations than myself, who can offer otherp perspectives, etc. I respect that.

It's difficult because I am so disenchanted with the world and with my father...because even though it IS the bigger thing to hand back the money (or at least not accept anymore), part of me feels as if he "owes" it to me, because he's never given anything to anyone else. And part of me feels I'll take what I can get because he wouldn't have it in him just to "help" me out. He was forced into it.

If nothing else, again, I need his tax info (and I can be p!ssed at the goverment for THAT one :p)

:nigel: C.

I'm sure I'm not t'only one 'round these here parts that "hate" their father...or maybe I am... :worried:

At any rate, this thread could go on and on with examples of how/reasons why he is a terrible excuse for a human being and generally an all-around waste of resources.

I guess I just need to vent.

Anyway, my parents are divorced and pretty much the only thing that came out of that is that he had to pay for my schooling until my Junior year. Well, I've been out of school for 2 trimesters, but haven't told him. Say what you will about my lack of "communication" and or "dishonesty" with him, but I'm not the one that helped produce three children and then abandoned them because I'm too selfish and ignorant to take care of them...

Gah. Okay so the main reason I haven't told him is because it would be too complicated for him to understand. Seriously. And I fully intend on going back to school so I don't see the issue. The money he has given me thus far is still sitting in my savings account, where it directly goes upon receipt from him.

Today I get this e-mail from him
"no kidding. if you want your money to go to school......."
and that's all it says. So, being the smart-a$$ that I am, I write back,
"What is this e-mail even supposed to mean?? ::MORE VAGUE PLEASE ALERT!!::"
etc. I don't know if he's smart enough to figure out that I'm not in school; I don't know where he'd find out b/c I haven't told anyone but my friends/mom/sister, and none of them talk to him. If he wants to cut me off, fine. But if he's going to act like a child and pussyfoot around the issue and NOT directly call me on my not telling him the past couple of months that I haven't been in school, then I'm not even going to bother with it.

Until that S.O.B. can grow up, face his responsibility, and ASK ME DIRECTLY WHETHER I'M IN SCHOOL OR NOT and/or the circumstances regarding my decisions (I'm going to be going to a cheaper school anyway :rolleyes: ) I'm not going to waste my time trying to explain myself. I don't owe him anything. It's not like he's ever really done anything for anyone but himself anyway.

/end rant

:nigel: N/C.

Oh, don't worry, I have a non-existent relationship with my dad. You can PM me if you want to vent some more. I really don't mind; it's kind of nice knowing I'm not the only one who isn't huggy-huggy with their dad. And I'm just going into high school, but I have all summer break with him (when he's not at work), so I'll just have a lovely summer with my day bashing me for being vegetarian, for doing this, and that, and he can shut up about how funny the pro-fur commercials are and how stupid he thinks PETA is. OKay, that felt good.

The FASFA thing I know...

I have a wonderful relationship with my parents, but they have a bad relationship with their taxes, so even though we were well under the poverty line, I got no government assistance for my tuition.

That said, you could point out to him that the tuition will be more if he doesn't get the paperwork back to you in time. And you should lie about the deadline by a couple months if at all possible to give yourself some leeway.

If you really are just taking a break from school and you haven't touched the money he's sent, then you're *probably* okay ethically *only* if you tell him to stop paying you at the appropriate time (e.g., if you've taken off this semester, but you're going back next semester, then you can just tell him not to pay you for the last semester you're in school.)

If you take more than you're entitled, then you're being hypocritical -- just because someone has treated you badly doesn't mean you can treat them badly, no matter how justified you may feel in doing so. It isn't good for you.

To those of you who believe she's being dishonest and lying to her father, keep in mind a few things: just as he doesn't owe her money because she's over 18, she doesn't owe him an explanation about her life, which, from the OP, I understand he hasn't been very involved in. I doubt that those of you who chastise her for her indifference to her father would be above hurting someone who hurt you. It's only human.

It's easy to sit back and say "oh, how immature, grow up and have a good relationship with your parents," but unless you have experienced firsthand the misery that is an unstable/sh*tty parent, you really can't talk.

It's always easy to talk about things when they aren't in your heart.

I'm only saying that she'll probably feel much better about herself if she can clearly see that she is a better person than her father. Being dishonest with him sinks her closer to his level, and I think that's something that could be damaging to her emotionally.

I'm not "chastising her for her indifference" -- I'm sure the guy deserves it. But for her own good it would be wise to separate herself from that.

As far as whether or not I'm above hurting people who hurt me... I may think of doing such things, but I don't act on it because I know it would just eat at me. I have been wronged by people, but I've never gotten revenge or even subtly mistreated people who have wronged me. I'm not saying I'm totally forgiving... I don't really do it so much for the other person but because I want to be able to look myself in the mirror and like what I see.

The more she takes his money, the more she has to interact with him... and while she says he's not bright, if he were to catch on to the fact that she's not in school now and he doesn't have to pay, she'd probably have a hard time getting him to pay when she *does* go back to school... or he could have a friend who could guide him into legal action as some others have mentioned, since this has been court ordered money for a specific purpose.

I didn't say anything so that I could feel morally superior... I said it because I think she may regret being dishonest later on. She certainly has no obligation to listen to me, and I'm sure she's aware of that.

To those of you who believe she's being dishonest and lying to her father, keep in mind a few things: just as he doesn't owe her money because she's over 18, she doesn't owe him an explanation about her life, which, from the OP, I understand he hasn't been very involved in.

I agree that it's much easier to be objective about something when you aren't in the situation. A lot of us would probably do the same thing and I definately don't judge pseudo for any of the choices she has made. However, you say that "she doesn't owe him an explanation about her life," which I totally agree with. But she does owe it to him, legally anyways, the truth that she is no longer in school--which means he *can* (if he so chooses, which it sounds like he would because he has no compassion whatsoever) stop payment. She doesn't have to explain why or anything when doing so either. I don't know, but as the saying goes...two wrongs don't make a right.