My life changed fairly drastically in a six-month or so time period. I asked my b/f of a year to move out; lived on my own for a few months, and then my sister moved from our po-dunk hometown out here with me.

She was a kitchen manager for a restaurant before moving out here. When she got out here, however, she didn't want to do food-service anymore (with just cause--it totally sucks) and so I didn't push the issue. The only thing I warned against was that until she had some other kind of experience or a degree (which she has neither), she was going to have big problems finding a job that would pay enough. Still, I supported and DO support her decision to move out here...she was really unhappy back there (old town, old job, etc.).

Anyway, here it is now, going on month three or so and I'm not exactly getting the financial "break" I anticipated by having a [roommate] again. Thankfully, I have enough money in savings, etc. to pay the bills, but I can't do it forever. I am planning on going back to school myself and need to build up my base which is slowly falling away from paying her half. I have not said anything to her about how she owes me (now approaching the $400 range); we've just been keeping track. I know she's good for it, but she's borrowed money from me and my mother. She's working at city-wage in a movie store, which needless to say (but I'll say it anyway), doesn't pay enough. She won't go into food-service though, even though it would more than likely help pay her half of the bills and the car/credit card payments she has to make.

I'm not sure what to do because I told her I wouldn't let her go back there (old town), but this isn't easy on me. My mother doesn't have money to be "loaning" out, but bless her heart she does what she can. Our father is...completely out of the picture. She's applied for second jobs but she like refuses to cut back on this movie place b/c for the first time since she graduated high school, she's not working like a dog there (which again, is justified but still). I guess my personality type would just do whatever it took to pay the bills...I don't even know where we'd be if I hadn't *had* a pad built up before she got here...

Do I suck at being a sister or what? :sweat:

:nigel: C.

Sounds like you've been a great sis! You have helped her when she was down. Unfortunatly it is time to continue to be a good sis and stop enabling her. Everyone does what they have to do, if she can not afford to live off of what she is making she needs to seek other employment or she will continue to be in the financial hole she is in. Better Job = more money = paying bills= possible putting some money toward further education = even better job = even more money = 2 happy sisters!

I know you feel like the bad guy. It's a tough situation, but she is beginning to take advantage and she most likely doesn't even see it.

:hug:

Pretty much all I ever do here is agree with people, but...SeaSiren's right. You're not doing either of you any good by letting it continue. What if you suddenly had to leave? She'd be screwed. If you let it go on until you run out of money or can't afford your schooling, you're both screwed.

Maybe you could let her know that you're glad that she's happier and you want to help, but can't afford to actually pay. Perhaps you could look into the local services for debt counselling to help her with those credit card bills. Maybe help her find out if she qualifies for a line of credit or small loan so that she can support herself until she gets back on her feet?

what those two said.

Sorry if this sounds disrespectful, but I would never do to my sister what your sister is doing to you. She is capable of getting a job and she should--regardless of whether she thinks it's good enough for her. Sorry to be blunt. I have very strong feelings about this because my mother doesn't have a job and it has caused me problems in the past. I'm sure she will pay you back what she owes you...but I probably wouldn't trust anyone after my experiences.

Listen to the other people here. I'm way biased. lol.

Sorry if this sounds disrespectful, but I would never do to my sister what your sister is doing to you. She is capable of getting a job and she should--regardless of whether she thinks it's good enough for her. Sorry to be blunt. I have very strong feelings about this because my mother doesn't have a job and it has caused me problems in the past. I'm sure she will pay you back what she owes you...but I probably wouldn't trust anyone after my experiences.

Listen to the other people here. I'm way biased. lol.

No, that's cool. There is a really "angry" sort of part of me that wants to "lay the smack down" or whatever...but then the part of me that COMPLETELY understands why she doesn't want to do food-service (I was more relieved than I could have ever imagined when I was able to get out of it). However, while I was going through all hell while I *was* managing a restaurant, the money was really good for me (not in an hourly sense), so I went with it because it was weighing out my sacrifices.

::le sigh:: My mother is visiting this weekend so maybe we can all sit down and have a talk together.

Thanks everyone for the advice/feedback.

:nigel: Cheers.

Hmmn, I have some personal experiences that fit under the general topic but don't really mesh with your specific situation.

I send my aunt (my Godmother) a check every month to help her out. I also usually send my aunt and uncle a check for Christmas. This aunt is my Mom's sister, and when my Mom was alive she'd instruct me as to what my aunt needed. But when my Mom died, this was left open and unanswered. So I basically just made a guess, based on giving her more than she was getting when my Mom was alive.

I did get a call shortly after Christmas one year in which my aunt told me that what I had sent was not enough. This kind of shocked me. It seems that my aunt had had a very cold winter, and they needed to buy another load of coal to get through it. I sent her another check. I didn't want her to freeze to death. From what I recall, a load of coal costs around $600.

My aunt is in her late 70s; my uncle is in his 80s. I can't very well tell them to get a job.

Yes, my aunt has children. One is a nurse, whose husband divorced her leaving a load of debt. So she can barely support herself. The second child is a fellow who is brain-damaged and a paraplegic in a state institution. The third child is a fellow whose wife took him to the cleaners during a divorce; besides, he is a factory worker who is lucky to have a job and basically just keeps himself barely afloat. The fourth child is a woman who miraculously survived cervical cancer. She worked as a secretary in her husband's law office, but her husband recently had a stroke and is in the process of recovery. His prospects are uncertain. True, he is a lawyer, but he is one of those long-haired lawyers who represents criminal defendants, like in "True Believer." In other words, while he may make a decent income, he probably makes a lot less than most lawyers.

So, my aunt is stuck with me.

I also have two nephews who need my assistance to go to college and beyond.

I dunno if you find this information helpful, but I thought I'd share it anyway.

I think you are a good person for helping out your sister. Whether or when you should draw the line on that help, I'll leave that up to you.

Hmmn, I have some personal experiences that fit under the general topic but don't really mesh with your specific situation.

I send my aunt (my Godmother) a check every month to help her out. I also usually send my aunt and uncle a check for Christmas. This aunt is my Mom's sister, and when my Mom was alive she'd instruct me as to what my aunt needed. But when my Mom died, this was left open and unanswered. So I basically just made a guess, based on giving her more than she was getting when my Mom was alive.

I did get a call shortly after Christmas one year in which my aunt told me that what I had sent was not enough. This kind of shocked me. It seems that my aunt had had a very cold winter, and they needed to buy another load of coal to get through it. I sent her another check. I didn't want her to freeze to death. From what I recall, a load of coal costs around $600.

My aunt is in her late 70s; my uncle is in his 80s. I can't very well tell them to get a job.

Yes, my aunt has children. One is a nurse, whose husband divorced her leaving a load of debt. So she can barely support herself. The second child is a fellow who is brain-damaged and a paraplegic in a state institution. The third child is a fellow whose wife took him to the cleaners during a divorce; besides, he is a factory worker who is lucky to have a job and basically just keeps himself barely afloat. The fourth child is a woman who miraculously survived cervical cancer. She worked as a secretary in her husband's law office, but her husband recently had a stroke and is in the process of recovery. His prospects are uncertain. True, he is a lawyer, but he is one of those long-haired lawyers who represents criminal defendants, like in "True Believer." In other words, while he may make a decent income, he probably makes a lot less than most lawyers.

So, my aunt is stuck with me.

I also have two nephews who need my assistance to go to college and beyond.

I dunno if you find this information helpful, but I thought I'd share it anyway.

I think you are a good person for helping out your sister. Whether or when you should draw the line on that help, I'll leave that up to you.

Helping others who are otherwise unable to help themselves is wonderful. It shows what a great person you are. Good karma is definately on it's way to you! :rockon:

I've been in a similar situation. My parents do not make very much money. I went to college, paid my way, trained myself in a high-paying skill, and now I'm doing well. I helped pay for rent and tuition for both of my sisters, who have liberal arts types of degrees. Neither one of them is doing something in their fields, because that would require more education. I stopped giving them rent money after college, though, because if I didn't, they would never learn the true value of money (and also, because I got married, and needed to start saving for my own family). After having to move back in with our parents, the older of the two is now out on her own working, with a car payment and an apartment and is managing. The other is still at home but trying to save up for that moment. You do what you can, but when it starts to adversely affect your own financial future, more than likely you're at the point where its hurting theirs, too. Because they need to deal with reality, and sheltering them isn't the answer.

BTW, Joe, you are an amazingly generous guy. I hope that everyone you touch appreciates all that you do for them.

Hmmn, I have some personal experiences that fit under the general topic but don't really mesh with your specific situation.

I send my aunt (my Godmother) a check every month to help her out. I also usually send my aunt and uncle a check for Christmas. This aunt is my Mom's sister, and when my Mom was alive she'd instruct me as to what my aunt needed. But when my Mom died, this was left open and unanswered. So I basically just made a guess, based on giving her more than she was getting when my Mom was alive.

I did get a call shortly after Christmas one year in which my aunt told me that what I had sent was not enough. This kind of shocked me. It seems that my aunt had had a very cold winter, and they needed to buy another load of coal to get through it. I sent her another check. I didn't want her to freeze to death. From what I recall, a load of coal costs around $600.

My aunt is in her late 70s; my uncle is in his 80s. I can't very well tell them to get a job.

Yes, my aunt has children. One is a nurse, whose husband divorced her leaving a load of debt. So she can barely support herself. The second child is a fellow who is brain-damaged and a paraplegic in a state institution. The third child is a fellow whose wife took him to the cleaners during a divorce; besides, he is a factory worker who is lucky to have a job and basically just keeps himself barely afloat. The fourth child is a woman who miraculously survived cervical cancer. She worked as a secretary in her husband's law office, but her husband recently had a stroke and is in the process of recovery. His prospects are uncertain. True, he is a lawyer, but he is one of those long-haired lawyers who represents criminal defendants, like in "True Believer." In other words, while he may make a decent income, he probably makes a lot less than most lawyers.

So, my aunt is stuck with me.

I also have two nephews who need my assistance to go to college and beyond.

I dunno if you find this information helpful, but I thought I'd share it anyway.

I think you are a good person for helping out your sister. Whether or when you should draw the line on that help, I'll leave that up to you.

I appreciate the post. That's really rough for everyone involved. And I know you stated it doesn't exactly mesh with my situation...my sister is capable of getting a different/better/[nother] job, but she won't. She's half-assedly applying for other part-time jobs she probably won't get because she wants them to cater to her movie store schedule.

Blah. Again...my mother is visiting...hopefully we can get some things discussed and squared away.

BTW, I think it's really great of you to help out family like that.

:nigel: Cheers.

I can relate. My little sis' has been living with me since last year, straight out of high school, and she's been working at Target. She makes next to no money and has a hard time budgeting (even though she doesn't have a car or any other bills besides rent and a cell). I've been trying really hard to let her get used to the working world before putting the smack-down on her about on-time bill-paying (I've been covering for her and buying all her food for the year. And she sometimes pays me back) but it's getting old. I feel sorry for her, that my parents couldn't afford to send her to college like they did for me, but still. I worry that I'm being taken advantage of, not just helping. Or maybe I'm making it worse, but not showing her how hard life can be. Anyway, it's getting really old. Our relationship is very strained now (resulting in an actual fight at our other sister's wedding last week).

So, helping out your sister IS a wonderful thing to do, but having some sort of a plan for independance from one another is also a good thing to have, even if it's a 6-month plan. I'm going to try and make my sis focus more on standing on her own. How to do that w/out pushing her away from me is something I'm still working on. Some people need a swift kick in the seat to get going, but others might just fall over instead of move forward. I just hope I make the right decision with her. Sisters. Good luck! And, no matter what, do what is best for your relationship. These bills will pass, and having a loving relationship with your sis is more important.

I understand why your sister doesn't want to work in a food service job. I don't understand why she thinks you should have to support her, even partially.

::UPDATE::

She had an interview about an hour ago for a deli-clerk at a grocery store...they looked at her resume (which I put together :D) and offered her either that position, or to interview for an assistant store manager position...

It pays $13.65/hr. (which is slightly more than what I make...and good considering it's hourly on both accounts) and I told her over the phone she'd better not back out. She said she "[doesn't] want to do that" to the movie place, but she also knows she has to look out for herself. And I told her that the movie place should understand that, especially in a city, one cannot support oneself at $8.50/hr., even with a little sister paying the bills :p

So she has to go back in to talk with another person about the A/M position...I'm crossing my fingers that she'll get that job, plus be able to drop to part-time associate at the movie place, because she still wants to work there. *hopes for a balanced compromise*

:nigel: Cheers.