There's no easy way for me to about explaning this, so I might as well be blunt about it:
Two and then some years ago, I was with this kid (don't know why I call him a 'kid' if he's actually a year older than me) for around 4 months, and we broke up suddenly for no real reason that I can recall. He had liked me for almost an entire year before then, and we continued to like each other on-and-off (however, much more 'on' than 'off', if you understand that) until around November of last year when he became suddenly infatuated with some girl who is two years older than him, and far too intelligent (2nd in her class) to ever sink low enough to date him. And even though it is odd that I am comparing things like this and it probably seems a bit immature, it is the only way I can properly solve/analyze things; he has liked me for around 3 years in total (don't know if he does now, can't really tell, couldn't ever really tell even when I was assured that he did) and I have liked him for 2. Actually, I shouldn't say 'liked' even though I am quite certain what 'love' is, but if it is even anything, I am almost certain that I love him, since it has been two years and I can't stand him most of the time and he even shaved his head because of a dare from his older brothers (which he lost, obviously) and looked like a total freak for two months... I still like him after many bad happenings and odd incidents so I'm pretty sure. And today I had an odd epiphany, which is as follows: while we were together, he only said that he loved me twice and neither of those times were in person. I tell him at least once a month even though we haven't been together in a really long time and he has never said it back. The only thing that really gets me is that he has liked me for three years, and that is most definitly way, way past the infatuation stages, so either he was insanely confused or never really liked me as much as he seemed to or told me that he did because he never told me in person.
And also, because our very strange relationship ended on such an awkward note, it is almost like we are somewhat unifinished because he never told me in person. I mean, I even asked him about it once, and we argued about it. We argued about whether or not he loved me. Can one even imagine? I remember him saying things like how he showed his emotions physically and not verbally, and when I told him that he should start saying it as well, and he became a little annoyed/angry. I really think that is a strange reaction, because if he didn't, wouldn't he just say something like, 'I don't know' or 'I'm kinda confused right now...' not get angry at me for asking! I think he did but did not want to tell me, but it depresses me to great amounts that he didn't ever tell me in person after liking me for almost/nearly 3 years.
Mostly posting this to get some sort of a reaction/advice on this, because this liking him for two years is one of the underlying causes (among others) of why I am now going to therapy, and I feel a little bad because this is the only thing I did not tell the person who gave me a referral and am wondering whether or not I should tell him when I go see him again or if I should tell my therapist but I haven't gone to see her yet so I don't know. Oh, the reason I feel bad is because it is probably the main cause, and I left it completely out.
Ah, other strange things are that when I had another boyfriend for about 2 months, he kept asking me when and to break up with him. I was talking on the phone with my (now ex-)boyfriend and he took the phone away from me and threatened to kill my ex... and he was also insanely happy the day that I broke up with him, yet has not asked me out or even made it clear to me that he likes me; only really not-so subtle hints. (Okay, so they are really, really obvious hints.)
So, yeah. Heh, this was kind-of a long post, but it has been bothering me for a really, really long time and it would probably be nice to get some input from people who aren't my friends, and therefore, unbiased.
thanks!

Are sexually active with this young man?I would say there is your answer if you were.

Well can I first say I felt kind of sad when you talked about how he likes a girl who's so intelligent 'she'd never sink to his level?' I think this speaks volumes about YOU in fact. Are/were you dating a guy simply because of the idea that other women won't want him? Don't you think that somewhere...perhaps subliminally...he knows that you don't really respect him for whatever reason (like he's not intelligent enough) and doesn't appreciate that?

Also it seems to me you aren't really caring about him for who he is. He says for instance that he is a guy who shows emotions physically and not verbally...and immediately you are making the attempt to change the way he shows emotions. "You SHOULD say things more often."

What I noticed most about your letter is that this relationship is not satisfying for you. It seems like you are attempting to 'make it into' something satisfying, but that really it isn't. You said something key to that, "I can't stand him most of the time." I think you have an interesting idea about what love is. I used to have this same idea, until I realized how wrong it was. The ideas you are having that 'you can't stand him'...or 'he looked like a freak' or 'she wouldn't sink low enough to date him', are actually your OWN instincts telling you that he's not the one...or even close. And yet you keep trying to make him into the one. It's not gonna happen hunny, sorry to say. Your instincts are telling you this, and you are ignoring, in fact....overruling them so you can make every attempt to be with this person. I think be honest with your therapist...and really look into why you are investing so much time in a relationship that seems...in ALL ways to be vastly unsatisfying.

I think love for another human should be chalk full of respect and admiration...as well as passion and kindness. And that if it is about anything else...those are red flags.

B

WEll said Bethanie.

Bethanie's post is excellent.

I'd just like to add that saying "I love you" is very hard for a lot of people. I grew up in a household where I never heard that -- not between my parents, not from my parents, never -- but I always knew I was loved. For people like me, showing love is much more powerful than words. I can now say "I love you" to my boyfriend and friends, but it took years before I was comfortable with those words. It's still not something I can say to my family.

I would have been incredibly upset had anyone told me that I had to show my emotions verbally. No one should be forced to do that. If he keeps hearing you say that you love him, then maybe he'll get comfortable with the words, but if he's forced to say it it won't mean anything. And love can and does exist without words. I know without a doubt my parents and siblings love me, and they know I love them. We've never had to tell each other so. Our actions prove it.

Though that may all be a moot point since the two of you don't sound particularly compatible at the moment.