pseudo_vegan
05-24-05, 02:40 PM
So this whole [stupid] thing has been an on-going drama with me...go figure...whatever. What initially started as "This Charming Gentleman (http://www.veggieboards.com/boards/showthread.php?t=29935&highlight=charming)" has turned into "this disappointing, why-am-I-still-bothering-with-it, 28 year-old BOY" and 'round and 'round I went with it...still go, actually, but I've made up my mind.
I'm pretty ridiculous and pathetic and angry at myself over the whole thing, but I guess that's why I'm really trying to be strong and stick to my guns with this. And as shallow and materialistic and selfish as it's been...I'm human. I'm not perfect. He's not perfect. No one is. I recognize this, as I also recognize the next step is to MOVE FORWARD and try to better yourself and the world around you. Which is what I plan on doing.
For several months now I have sacrificed myself and my convictions, and now more than ever my happiness and overall well-being...for what? For "fun". And for a couple weeks now I've even been considering continuing this for "fun"...but I have to better myself and make myself stronger. I'm done being the ragdoll; it's time for me to go out there and further discover myself, even if it takes longer because I don't have any camping gear :p
I'm probably "sacrificing" some decent backpacking trips; climbing a 14-er; late nights of HALO and debauchery...but what I'm really "giving up" is simply instant gratification. And that only breeds decay. So I'll wait. Some day I WILL go camping and hiking and climbing, etc. etc. etc...it just may take longer. But when I get to that point, I'll at least know I've done it for myself.
So, I say to you, Not-So-Charming Gentleman...I am done. I'll try not to cry; I'll try not to dwell. This will be just as much relief to you as to me; I know I'll grow further from this and some day, it will just be "this thing I had". I'm coming to grips with my own self-disappointment and stupidity, slowly but surely. It will speed up and come full-circle in the coming weeks. I only have myself to be angry at in this situation, as you made your intentions crystal clear from the get-go. As I work on staying strong throughout the duration (which I do not anticipate lasting all the long, relatively speaking), I will also work on forgiving myself, and taking what I can from it.
There's no need for emotional dumping or request for a broken heart pick-up. I don't love you; you don't love me; we'll never have a kind of love that I fully deserve. And that's fine. That is completely fine and okay, and come the near future, I will be as well.
:nigel: Cheers.
I'm pretty ridiculous and pathetic and angry at myself over the whole thing, but I guess that's why I'm really trying to be strong and stick to my guns with this. And as shallow and materialistic and selfish as it's been...I'm human. I'm not perfect. He's not perfect. No one is. I recognize this, as I also recognize the next step is to MOVE FORWARD and try to better yourself and the world around you. Which is what I plan on doing.
For several months now I have sacrificed myself and my convictions, and now more than ever my happiness and overall well-being...for what? For "fun". And for a couple weeks now I've even been considering continuing this for "fun"...but I have to better myself and make myself stronger. I'm done being the ragdoll; it's time for me to go out there and further discover myself, even if it takes longer because I don't have any camping gear :p
I'm probably "sacrificing" some decent backpacking trips; climbing a 14-er; late nights of HALO and debauchery...but what I'm really "giving up" is simply instant gratification. And that only breeds decay. So I'll wait. Some day I WILL go camping and hiking and climbing, etc. etc. etc...it just may take longer. But when I get to that point, I'll at least know I've done it for myself.
So, I say to you, Not-So-Charming Gentleman...I am done. I'll try not to cry; I'll try not to dwell. This will be just as much relief to you as to me; I know I'll grow further from this and some day, it will just be "this thing I had". I'm coming to grips with my own self-disappointment and stupidity, slowly but surely. It will speed up and come full-circle in the coming weeks. I only have myself to be angry at in this situation, as you made your intentions crystal clear from the get-go. As I work on staying strong throughout the duration (which I do not anticipate lasting all the long, relatively speaking), I will also work on forgiving myself, and taking what I can from it.
There's no need for emotional dumping or request for a broken heart pick-up. I don't love you; you don't love me; we'll never have a kind of love that I fully deserve. And that's fine. That is completely fine and okay, and come the near future, I will be as well.
:nigel: Cheers.