The problem with lending money to friends

[sealife]

So this is the story. A really good friend of mine was having trouble one time paying rent. So I lent him 300 bucks, which he promised to payback by that evening. I lent him the money cos he had helped me one time and I cos I thought he will return it. (I had borrowed $40 bucks him ones which I paid off within a week or two)
He borrowed the money last October. Didn't hear from him for months. I called him but he never picked up the phone or answered my messages & totally disregarded my emails etc.
The next month I was disenrolled from my university for owing $275. I left messages about this and was desperate to find the money, but he never got back to me. In December I see him. When I asked him why he never answered my calls he said he lost his phone. Which is a LOAD OF CRAP, cos his best friend told me he still has the same phone & number. So now it's been over 5 months. And the guy who said he'll return my money the same evening avoids me like the plague. During this time, he made a trip to Thiland and Seattle to visit family and party. I saw him on campus in january and he promised to pay me atleat $50 by the end of that month and talked about how broke he is. I haven't seen the guy since. He doesn't work. His parents pay for all of his stuff. I had to work over 40 hours at my minimum paying job to make that $300.
I am sorry I am rammbling on. But I needed to get this outta my system. I am angry but he was a good friend and I can't seem to get mad at him and demand for themoney back.
Has anyone here had experiences with lending money to close friends and them not returning it as promised??? Or do you have any advice for me? What would you do if you were in my shoes??? Please let me know

[ComradeTassadar]

I would calmly and rationally ask him what the true reason is that he has not yet paid back the money and say that you will be "quite disappointed" should he not return it.
As well, appeal to his parents (if they are rational people) about this and have them take money out of his "allowance" and use it to pay you.

Unless he gives a great reason for why he hasn't paid the money back, I would also terminate the relationship - why continue to be friends if he believes $300 is worth more than the friendship?

[Gracie]

I know it's too late for this advice for you, sealife, but for everybody else: NEVER loan money to a friend or relative. If you feel like you need to help him/her out, consider it a gift.

If you loan money to a friend, chances are you will lose both the money and the friend.

And sealife, I'm sorry this happened to you. It's no fun to find out that a friend is untrustworthy.

[AngelOfDance]

ABSOLUTELY.

I used to lend money all the time, and used to keep a tally when I was fairly young. When i was... maybe eleven... I learned that you don't see money again if you lend it to someone. Since then, I've mostly only lent out what I can afford to just give away. If I see it again, that's fantastic and I' pleasantly surprised. If not, it's no great loss.

What I DO begrudge.... I had a friend in high school whom I lent onr of my favorite CDs. My Fair Lady. She had to learn a cockney accent for a play. She promised to burn it and return it the next day. The next day went by. the next week. the next month. the play. the school year. the next school year. FINALLY, near the end of senior year, i was at her house and DEMANDED my CD back. She had it and gave it to me. She knew exactly where it was.

I stuck it in my bag and took it home. put it on the CD player... wouldn't play. I took it out and turned it over to have a look and see if it was dirty or scratched or what... no... it was CRACKED. a BIG honkin' crack down one side. like someone had stepped on it.

The next day, I confronted her: "Darling, what the hell happened to my CD?" "What? I gave it back to you!" "But it's CRACKED! I can't play it anymore!" "oh. huh. I wonder how that heppened." and she walked away. no, "I'll get you a new one." no "I'm sorry." nothing like that. just, "huh. I wonder how that happened."

argh.

or... SAME FRIEND... near the beginning of senior year, she asked me for money for her lunch. No problemo. I didn't want her to starve. A week later, she needs money again. Again, not a biggie. Pretty soon, she's doing this quite regularly. Not frugal bare-bones lunches, either. Soda, candy bar, pizza, french fries. and sometimes ice cream. Anyway, after a while, I've given her QUITE a bit of money. For a while, she acknowledged that I'd been paying for her a lot and would tell me that she was having hard times financially and would pay me back when she could.

So finally, I tell her she can bring lunch from home if she can't afford the school ones. And did she starve that day? did she have to go beg for nickels and dimes at other tables? did she have to ask someone to split their fries with her?

no. she pulled a nice, crisp $20 out of a none-too-empty wallet and went and got herself a nice little (smaller than what she would have bought with my money) lunch. I later found out that her mom gave her lunch money every week. rarr. I don't lend her stuff anymore.

[beforewisdom]

I read a catchy saying about this situation once. It said something to the effect that if you loan money to a friend you may lose both.

That said, I think you are the better person for having that level of trust and willing to take that kind of risk for a friend. I wouldn't stop helping friends out. More careful though.

At this point I don't this guy is your friend anymore. Do what you have to do to get your money back.

I was in school for many years supporting myself while working low wage jobs. I still remember how much it can hurt losing that amount of money.

Get your money back.

[Christy]

A mutual friend of mine and missleigh's still owes me $30 that I lent her in October. She was short that amount to buy her bridesmaid dress. I didn't do it for her, I did it for Leigh. As her best friend and matron of honor, I wanted everything to go well. I know she blows money when she has any, and that bothers me. No, it's not that much at this point in my life, and it's not hurting me financially. The principle of the thing is what irritates me.

ETA: And she lost one of the earrings she borrowed from me to wear in the wedding. So make that...$40 (I think - I don't remember what they cost).

[Joe]

So this is the story. A really good friend of mine was having trouble one time paying rent. So I lent him 300 bucks, which he promised to payback by that evening. I lent him the money cos he had helped me one time and I cos I thought he will return it. (I had borrowed $40 bucks him ones which I paid off within a week or two)

Did you make him sign a note? Did you have a witness to this transaction? When you loaned him the $300, how did you do it? Was it in cash or by check?
If by check, did the check say "loan" on it? Do you have the cancelled check or a copy?

If you have any evidence that you made him a loan, you could sue him in small claims court if all else fails. If you then get a judgment against him, you could seize (or rather have the sheriff seize) his property to pay the loan.

[Thalia]

I pretty much never lend books, CDs, etc. because I either never get them back or they come back damaged. Likewise, I never ask to borrown. Never a borrower nor a lender be? Is that the saying.

I lend my brother and my SO money all of the time, but I purposely don't write it down and I even tell my brother that it's up to him to remember because I lend money with the assumption I'll never see it. I don't even want to think about who owes me what, you know?

My brother is pretty good about it and is very generous in return, so it's never been a problem anyhow. If someone wanted to borrow like $2000, I'd either say no or just give it to them.

Sealife- That is too bad. You'll probably never see it unless the parents find out. For about $30 you can file a small claims suit and maybe scare it out of him when he gets served. :P

[Joe]

Never a borrower nor a lender be? Is that the saying.


William Shakespeare, Hamlet, Act I, Scene 3



Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and [a] friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.
This above all: to thine ownself be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.


http://www.online-literature.com/view.php/hamlet/4?term=neither%20a%20borrower%20nor%20a%20lender

[Cinnamon toast]

Personally, unless I could afford to make it a gift, I wouldn't lend money. If it were repaid - great (I would be thrilled), but I would almost expect it not to be. Then there would be no hard feelings.

[vegbunny83]

most of the time i have pretty good luck with this. my (recently ex-) boyfriend and my roommate are the only people i've ever lent large amounts of money to. my roommate has paid me back and my ex bf is paying me back little by little. i do owe money to my mom and my sister (which i am planning to pay back once i get my tax refund).

one thing that happened to me in HS... my senior year, i had a car and a parking space at our school, so i would give three people rides to my school- my sister, her friend scott, and my friend katie. in return for the ride they would each give me $5 or so in gas money every week, and usually scott's mom would give me $10 without me asking!

one of our other friends decided that she'd like to ride with us to school since she didn't have a ride. i told her at the beginning, "everyone who rides with me is expected to contribute $5 a week for gas money." she seemed to have no problem with it. so, the end of the first week rolls around, and i ask her for gas money. she doesn't have it. the second week rolls around, and when i ask her, she said that she doesn't feel that she should have to pay gas money! so at this point i'm like "ok... wtf?" i decide to give her another week.

so in the middle of the third week, she was still riding with us. we had just gotten to school and were all sitting in the cafeteria eating breakfast. as we were leaving, i politely and quietly asked her, "theresa, would you mind paying me the gas money you owe me by the end of the week?" she got really mad and yelled "FINE! you don't have do be such a B**** about it!!!!!" :dizzy: the next day she gave me $20 and never rode with us again. :up:

[Wolfie]

Sorry you had to learn this lesson with such a big sum. Maybe you should ask his parents for it, or tell them about it.

I have a friend who is really bad about paying money back. She's never asked for a loan, but if I put tickets or a hotel room on my credit card, I have to ask several times for the money. She also doesn't offer money for gas or parking for out of town trips, but if she drives, she expects money for same (which I'd never dream of not giving her, anyway.)

Just keep bugging him and/or his parents about it. That's what I do for large amounts. Small amounts I just write off but if I paid for tickets or a hotel, I'm getting my money back.

[Mskedi]

I loaned my parents money from my college account which they said they'd pay me back in a month for, but I didn't see the money again for about three years. And I never did see all of it. It screwed up my finances a bit, but it also taught me not to expect what I loan out back.

I loaned my old roommate about $800 when we got our apartment, and told her to just pay me what and when she could. She regularly paid me $50 with each paycheck she got. It was a pleasant surprise.

I loaned my sister a bunch of money, and when I realized I'd not see any of it again, I started giving her random presents like, for graduation, I gave her a coupon worth $800 off her loan, for her birthday I took off another $1000, for Christmas $150 and so on until she eventually paid me off with very little on her part. I wasn't bitter at all (she wasn't exactly in a good financial situation), ad that way she didn't have the debt hanging over her head while she was trying to make ends meet.

I'm not rich by any means, but I'm also not starving, so if someone asks for my help (or if I overhear that they may need it), I offer, but if I simply can't survive without the money at the time, I keep my mouth shut. If one of my friends were in financial trouble this month, for example, they'd have to find someone else.

[rainbow_clouds]

How awful!!! Wow...

Well I had a person I hung around with once in a while (she was a friend of a friend kinda thing) I personally didn't like her but I got along with her to keep the peace. One day she wanted a shirt, but didn't have money. She asked to borrow it... I said "no... I don't have hardly any money for myself" blah blah. (mind you this was before I had a job) She went on BEGGING for me to buy her the shirt and INSISTING that she'll pay me back. So I finally gave in and she was like "thanks I'll pay you back" next week, she swore she never borrowed money from me. That got me angry... because I didn't have a source of income beside birthdays and stuff like that. She got allowance. Of course I was like 13 then, I guess I learned my lesson young.