My best friend of many years is finally getting married. I saw it coming. That alone is stressful. However, I have had some bad feelings about the guy and the relationship for a long time. He isn't a bad guy, just questionable- kind of anal and controlling(mildly) and she is a free-spirited hippy girl.

But who am I to judge, I thought. Until a few months ago she said, "I know I could find someone better, but I aint gonna look for him, this is the end of the line for me." I have never expressed my concern over this to her.

And today I get an email that they are getting married. She also told me a while back that she'd want me to be her maid of honor.

How do I feign happiness?

I guess I am going to just focus on her happiness and let the chips fall where they may.

Sounds like she's settling which, of course, is not good. Ah, but one has to figure that out on their own. Dare you say something because you'll be viewed as the bad guy who wants to rain on her parade. Just hang in there by her side and secretly hope she see's the light.

Originally posted by MsRuthieB
Sounds like she's settling which, of course, is not good. Ah, but one has to figure that out on their own. Dare you say something because you'll be viewed as the bad guy who wants to rain on her parade. Just hang in there by her side and secretly hope she see's the light.


You're absolutely right. I am afraid she is going to figure out that I am not happy about it, ask me about it, and then it will cause a problem with our friendship. Whatever she asks me, I guess I could just say that if she is happy that makes me happy, end of story.

My best friend got married last year, right when she turned 18. She dated her husband for four years before that, but they had one of those really screwed-up relationships, where they looked for any excuse to cheat on each other. She asked me, a week before she got married, if I thought she should do it. Against my better judgement, I said, "If it makes you happy, yes."

Now, a year later, the guy has shown his true colors. He's abusive, she discovered he was using their computer to obtain child pornography, he's a lazy bum, and he encourages her old drug habit. And she's pregnant with his child.

I wish I had told her then how I really felt about her getting married. Now when I tell her she needs to get away from him, she says, "I want my baby to have a happy live, with a father." I know she could do so much better, even without a man in her life. She just married the first man she thought she loved. It upsets me so much. :(

Thalia, dating can be tiring...maybe you could convince her to take a break by just living with him for a while? Or at least not become pregnant...kids aren't happy unless their parents are.

Originally posted by mushroom
Thalia, dating can be tiring...maybe you could convince her to take a break by just living with him for a while? Or at least not become pregnant...kids aren't happy unless their parents are.
Well, I definitely don't think she will be having kids soon. She actually just moved in with him last November, and This week is there 1 yr anniversary, and she's been planning the wedding in her head for most of that time, I think!

I hope there is a long engagement, that's all. She's a little marraige crazy, otherwise, she is a very responsible and smart person with good judgement. She just got the lurrrve blinders on.

All of my relationships fall apart at the 2 year mark, so I'm not getting engaged to anyone until we can make it that far!

I'll get over it, I think. The guy isn't horrible, he's just "acceptable" blah.

Thalia,
I'm sorry your friend has lost hope in finding the best one for her. Perhaps if you're always there to listen to her gripe about him, she'll realize on her own that she's unwisely settling for a second-rate relationship.

I see the dilemma here.

If she is really your best friend, you should be able to discuss your concerns with her.
But it’s also likely that won’t be easy. She might be offended that you have doubts on the marriage.

Perhaps you should tell her how you “feel” but more or less in a way like:
“I don’t know if he is THE mr. Right for you, but I trust your judgment and will be your best maid”.

(easier said than done, I realise that)

Originally posted by Thalia
How do I feign happiness?


My concept of friendship would rule out "feigning" anything with my best friend, but that's just me.

When my sister got married, I met her fiancé beforehand, but expressed no opinion about his suitability, nor was I asked to do so, nor did it occur to me to formulate an opinion to express in case I had been asked. Basically, I was non-judgmental and just kept my mouth shut. And that seemed to work out wonderfully.

My father, of course, had his opinions. He was disapproving that Ken was shorter than my sister (horrors!) and that he only had a college degree while Sis had a law degree. In other words, he thought my sister was marrying "down" in more ways than one.

My Mom was just happy that she was going to have grandchildren. (Sis got pregnant about 6 months after she was married.)

Originally posted by 1vegan
I see the dilemma here.

If she is really your best friend, you should be able to discuss your concerns with her.
But it’s also likely that won’t be easy. She might be offended that you have doubts on the marriage.

I also think that if I respect her as a best friend, that I trust her judgment, not think mine is better than hers, and let her live her life. It's not like the guy is abusive or anything. However, if she flat out asked me, "Do you like ...." I'd give my opinion.

How often do people in love follow or appreciate advice they didn't ask for? It sends the message that we don't trust their judgment and ability to run their own lives.

Thalia, at one point in your post, you wrote that your friend said that she knew that she "could do better" but then you wrote that she is in love. I don't see how it is possible to feel both emotions at the same time. If one is really "in love" how can they also think that they could do better?

"How do I feign happiness?"

Don't. You're happy you are not marrying this guy, right? Show her how happy you are -- that it's her and not you. Just don't be as articulate as I am being, about exactly what it is that you are so happy about.

Originally posted by mushroom
Thalia, at one point in your post, you wrote that your friend said that she knew that she "could do better" but then you wrote that she is in love. I don't see how it is possible to feel both emotions at the same time. If one is really "in love" how can they also think that they could do better?

Depends on how you define 'better'. Could I have a boyfriend with a better job making more money? Sure. Or someone with a college degree working a white collar job? Sure. IMO, some would see that as 'doing better'. Am I still in love with my boyfriend despite that fact? Certainly. It somewhat boils down to how well respected you are in the relationship and the appreciation, affection, and love you are shown that make the other small things that others tend to put importance on that don't really matter a whole heck of alot.

Originally posted by mushroom
Thalia, at one point in your post, you wrote that your friend said that she knew that she "could do better" but then you wrote that she is in love. I don't see how it is possible to feel both emotions at the same time. If one is really "in love" how can they also think that they could do better?
I used to have a boyfriend that I was "in love with" but I knew that I had had another boyfriend in the past that I had liked more, and that I could probably find someone that I would "love" more, but I was happy to have my current bfriend. But once I got rid of him, the "love" (as I saw it) faded rather quickly compared to the love I had felt for the earlier guy (who I still think pleasant thoughts about.)

I think that I would call that lust, Thalia.

There's nothing wrong with lust, as long as the right person is lusted ;)

Originally posted by mushroom
I think that I would call that lust, Thalia. Perhaps so, but I thought of it as love (and still do in that I cared deeply for him, and I still care for him, but don't pine for him.). Whatever it was, it was some form of infatuation/love, and my friend has something on the lust-infatuation-love spectrum.

I don't think the only kind of person you can love is one you think is perfect for you. People get married all of the time, love that person, and then realize all kinds of things about them that make them think maybe they could've done better, I don't think that means it was lust. Many people who get divorced still have love for the other person, but recognize that they were no longer right for each other. They still care deeply for the other person.

Robert, I never said that there was anything wrong with lust. It is simply a feeling, neither good nor bad, as far as I am concerned.

Thalia, I am not sure that our definitions of "in love" are the same.
For me, there is nothing greater than that feeling, which I have only felt for one person in my entire life. All of the rest was lust, fun, excitement, etc.

The person that I felt "in love" with, was not free of faults, yet I found them to be the most loveable person that I have ever met.
If, I had ended up with them, I never could have thought "I could have done better."

See what I am saying?

MsRuthieB: :wayne:

Coolness...I've never really been 'wayned' before. Thanks :)

I opened my big yap once before about a situation like this and it got me nothing but trouble.

Also, what interests ms is that you don't alleud to any serious reasons for your dislike... is he really that bad? What are your main concerns that you feel so strongly about them not getting hitched?

Here's my opinion on all of the above:

IS he abusive? (That includes substance abuses) -If so, you must encourage her to seek better for herself.

If he is not, and you just don't agree with him, maybe try giving her the benefit of the doubt. Maybe it works for them, despite what you'd expect.

Beyond that, why not 'chat' about the situation with her. Some of your concerns you can bring up in such a way without sounding accusatory. Like: "I've noticed that you and he fight a lot. Do you think you'll be able to work together in a marriage despite that?" or "What have your parents said? Do they think it's too soon? What do you think?" etc.

With my friend, I simply asked: "Are you happy? Cause if so, then I'll trust you. You know your own life better than any of us."

He took that totally well and thanked me for my concern for him. (His fiance on the otherhand launched a war campaign against me, but that's another story...) And in the end, so far anyway, he was right. They're still together. Happy as clams.