Raising Self-Esteem

[organica]

I am wondering how other women go about this, when everyday there seem to be more & more messages designed to make women feel worthless.
I'm decent looking, & people tell me I am a very good radio announcer & producer.
But I feel like garbage.
There is no help for this at the mental hospital. It is not a "mental illness" per se.
I am doing what I can: hanging w/ supportive friends, meditating, trying to eat well, etc.
But I still feel so worthless.
Last June I won an award for the Best Public Service Announcement (produced) In all of Canada.
And I immediately assumed there was a mistake. Then I figured I had "tricked" the judges.
I have the cornerstone show at my radio station, the most popular show (morning show).
But I feel like people don't really like it, & their compliments are just ways to be polite.
I *know* my thoughts are distorted. I have done Cognitive Behavioural therapy for years. But I still feel worthless.
This morning I was thinking I should just leave radio & work for an escort agency.
I hate this. I feel like I have no control over it, because CBT has failed. :cry:
I am trying to buy a book "6 Pillars of Self-Esteem" the Rev recommended, but I can't afford it yet.

[zoebird]

check out powells.com (i think that's the spelling) because they sell used books really inexspensively. i got a number of really expensive yoga books (like $40 texts) for $5 and $6 plus shipping. also, used book stores may have what you need as well as library sales. ok, that aside.

i do a lot of media fasting, for one thing. i no longer read yoga journal or the local yoga magazine. i tend to avoid magazines with lots of advertising--including shambhala sun and tricycle, even though i love both of those (buddhist) magazines. I find it difficult to see "retreat with X teacher at X location in August." and then look up the cost at $5000 per person and i feel totally crushed and then my friend can turn around and go, oh yeah, no problem, i signed up for it as well as my husband and my two kids--i'm so excited to go.

and i'm like 'daggonnedfrakitbrackit!' sometimes, i get frustrated, you know?

but, other magazines and stuff, even tv media, most of it i avoid. i can find the images sinking in and the comparison games coming on and i'm just like--that's not my deal.

Also, you may want to work affirmations. CBT isn't for everyone, but i'm sure there's something that you can 'take away' from it. Also, recognizing that your way of seeing things isn't accurate, you have to rely on that for a bit while you get your head around things. So, for instance, there's this:

Wins prestigeous PSA award
mind says "whatever, totally fooled the judges" (physic preditor btw)
logic says "actually, i know that i have a false perception of things--so perhaps the mind's reaction was wrong."
Self says "actually, it was a good advertisement and i did make it. so, i'm thankful for this award and i know i deserved it.'

then, you have to remind the mind--you're wrong and I'm right--i do deserve this award.

--

i know a thing with me and compliments is that i feel like people are trying to take advantage of me. At least, that's how i felt. after i was sexually assaulted when i was 8, the boys who did it gave me gifts. After that, any crush that gave me a gift, or any guy who complimented me, i thought "what does he want!?" and i would get nervous and scared and refuse the gifts because 1. i didn't think i deserved them and 2. i was afraid of what i believed he wanted in return.

at some point, i recognize that there were some false notions in there. First, my father couldn't be the only 'nice guy' around who didn't want to harm me or other women. Second, perhaps i wasn't so terrible and ugly and whatever, and so that's why these guys would want to give me something nice--to show that they cared or that they liked me or something, and maybe not much more than that. and third, maybe these guys didn't want to hurt me, but to be nice to me in new ways that i was, at the time, too afraid to explore for fear of being hurt.

So, then i started to look at the difference between my instant reaction "he wants to hurt me" verses what i knew to be true "not every person is out to hurt you; some are kind and good and want to befriend you." I knew that i needed to be cautious, but not overly cautious.

I often describe it like a ruler. If you have a ruler, you know how large a centimeter is. Then, something comes along and says "this is 5 centimeters long" and then you measure it. No, it's not 5 centimenters, it's 4. So, you know that the statement "it's 5 centimeters long' is wrong. What is right then? Four centimeters is right. And so, we now can respond to it as a 4 centimeter issue.

So, you take a compliment. Obviously, you have a lot of external measures that say you're good at radio:

1. you get lots of positive feed back
2. you have a very highly desired time slot
3. you have won awards related to radio work (PSA)

so now, you can measure your reaction: I suck at radio and should quit now and let people take advantage of me for a living.

So, it doesn't measure up, it's false. So then, what is true? You rely on the external stuff.

Say, you get a compliment from someone: Oh! i loved your morning show the other day. i really liked when you talked about social issue X. it was interesting and entertaining.

your reaction: she's just being polite, placating me.

So, now you measure both:

1. i get lots of positive feedback. --Yes, this qualifies as positive feedback, and it mirrors what my boss said to me about the show too.
2. i have a highly desired time slot--She mentioned my morning show specifically and remembered what day i talked about that issue. people really do listen, and that's why i maintain that time spot in the schedule!
3. i have one awards related to radio--She's right, that i'm really good at what i do--even impartial judges in the field think so, not just random fans.

And then, you measure your response: she's just being polite

1. positive feedback--if people are just being polite, they aren't this enthusiastic about me or the work that i do.
2. time schedule--if people were just placating me and being polite, if no one liked the show and i wasn't doing a good job, then my boss would put someone else in this time slot.
3. awards--if people are just being polite, i wouldn't win awards for my work, instead, no on would take notice. but, i do win awards, so i must be good at what i do.

It is a measure of reprogramming--comparing what you know to be true to what you recieve and how you react to it.

In time, a compliment won't be a thing that sends you into a troubled spot. Instead, it will be something that you can graciously (honestly) accept from a person.

Also, if you're this successful when you're this F'd up, imagine what you could do if you didn't fear your own success (personally and professionally)?

[spehlbaund]

I honestly have similar troubles so I can't help.

But I found that book you mentioned on eBay.. if no one else bids on it you can get it for 99 cents + shipping, depending on where you live.

http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&category=378&item=4532640445&rd=1&ssPageName=WDVW

[clumsy]

I am trying to buy a book "6 Pillars of Self-Esteem" the Rev recommended, but I can't afford it yet.

how about borrowing it from the library?

i'm currently reading 'your erroneous zones' that bethanie recommended, borrowed it from the library. one of the things in the book about working on improving your self-esteem is that it's not going to happen overnight, just like if one day you decided you wanted to be a star diver you would have to train every day in order to become better at it. just keep trying to catch your negative thoughts about yourself and working on it.

i used to never be able to accept compliments, but a few years ago i realized this wasn't a very positive thing. so now, i force myself to say a nice 'thank you', even if i don't feel it inside that i deserve the compliment, i still force myself to say it. after a while it gets easier. and sometimes it's still hard and probably comes out really forced and strained. but i still say it. and i think now overall, i'm a little more open to accepting that sometimes maybe i did do something neat that deserved the compliment. that has come as a result of being very consistent in trying to learn to accept compliments.

i realize accepting compliments is just one aspect of self-esteem, but it's a start.

[April]

I don't have anything to add, but I want to say I think Zoebird's post was excellent. I hope it can give you some perspective.

[raggydoo]

I'm sorry you feel that way :hug:
Zoebird's message pretty much nailed it, it's worth reading and giving it some thought. This method has helped me manage my BDD, social anxiety and other issues. I hope it works for you too.

[jAded]

I'm sorry you feel the way you do. I struggle with poor self-esteem at times also, but probably no more than your average 20 year old woman. I respect myself enough, I'm just always quick to put myself down and compare myself to others, even the most petty stupid things. And I've been told by many [such as high school teachers whom Ive respected greatly] that I have a highly analytical mind which, although a compliment, tends to work to my disadvantage as I read into things too much, such as compliments.

I guess I'm stating the obvious here, but I strongly believe people, though women in particular have really been conditioned to place their self-worth on others perceptions of them. You can't believe you're pretty unless society says so. You're only smart if you're academic. And theres always another woman who is more popular, prettier and smarter than you are which can make you insecure.

Theres so much more I want to write but I'll have to do it later as I'm being kicked off the comp now!!

Anyway, organica you seem like a highly compassionate and intelligent person particulary considering what you ahve been through and they are some of the best traits a person can have, remember that :)

[astro]

This morning I was thinking I should just leave radio & work for an escort agency.

Organica, considering your current state of mind, I think going into prostitution would be a very bad move. You've already admitted that you have some baggage from being a stripper, why make it worse for yourself? It's not going to do anything to improve the pretty low opinion you have of men either. :-/

[Coney]

The thing that got me out of the "feeling like crap about myself" thing, is realizing I've got better things to do with my mind and my time than to sit and feel bad for myself. It's really ridiculous when you get right down to it. We're all amazing people, and the only point of the media making us feel bad about ourselves is so they can make money off it. How many hours a day do we use just beating ourselves down?

You have to say "Screw it! I've got better things to do with my time than to waste it talking **** about myself."

1) Don't feel bad. We're all the same here, we're all humans, no one is better than any other. Keeping yourself busy and keeping your mind off your self-deprication (sp?) is the best thing you can do. Try to go one day without saying anything bad about yourself. If you can do that, then two days should be a breeze. Then three, then four...Look at the nice things in life, like sunny days, watching your favorite movie, cooking your favorite dinner. Invite friends over for homemade pizza.

2) Try to find new exciting ideas for your show, get some new guests on that you find interesting. Try helping out local musicians in getting their music on the air. Helping others is a great way to feel better.

3) If you get the feeling that you're getting depressed, tell the feeling to go away. Flat out. Just tell it to **** off. Ask for a good feeling to show up instead.

[vggiegirl]

Great post Coney. When I think about it, every waking hour of every day for me is filled with something negative. Even here at work, typing, I think...God I'm hungry again? I just ate lunch! I'm such a cow! Silly things like that. When I'm filing Oh God I hope my stomach isn't sticking out.

When I look at it from the perspective you and others have offered...it really is a big fat waste of time. :juggle:

Great post :)