Uninvited to Wedding? (venting)

[dawngirl]

A friend of mine, who lost his wife to a freak accident over a year ago is getting married again! We've worked together for 7 years, and I was a shoulder to cry on when his wife died and he was left with 3 kids to raise. Now that he's moving on, I'm thrilled and he personally invited me to the wedding ~ in Las Vegas.

I was preparing to make my plans along with another co-worker this week. I find out today that I am "uninvited" because the bride is threatened by my friendship with her future husband and that nobody wants to tell me because they don't want to hurt my feelings. I have not been officially "uninvited" by my friend but only found out through my co-worker that I was planning to travel with.

I must respect the wishes of the bride, but d**n, couldn't someone be human enough to step up to the plate to tell me instead of me finding out in hushed tones second hand? What if I had already made flight and hotel reservations ~ fortunately I haven't. Pretty much our entire office and even some of my clients are going.

Thank you for the space to vent....I'll be moving on now.

[qetta]

Oh what a crummy way to find out about it. Have you spoken directly to the groom yet to ask if that's all really true?

[dawngirl]

Nah, not yet. I'm pretty good at bowing out gracefully for everyone's sake. Along the same lines ~ at least when my brother told me I couldn't bring a particular friend to his house for Christmas this year he called and said he'd understand if I didn't come. Why can't we all just get along?

Seems...umm, err...I may have some financial issues that keep me from attending.

[qetta]

Oh but what if your friend really wants you to be there, and this whole thing about the bride being threatened by you is just untrue, or an exaggeration?

And do you think you and the groom will be "allowed" to remain friends after the wedding? If not, I think he needs to have a serious talk with his intended about friendships. And trust!

[SeaSiren]

I wouldn't bow out based on a rumour. He's your friend, just ask him. I would be really ashame if it were untrue and he was hurt because you didn't attend due to a misunderstanding.

[Banshee's Wail]

Nah, not yet. I'm pretty good at bowing out gracefully for everyone's sake. Along the same lines ~ at least when my brother told me I couldn't bring a particular friend to his house for Christmas this year he called and said he'd understand if I didn't come. Why can't we all just get along?

Seems...umm, err...I may have some financial issues that keep me from attending.

I don't mean to be rude, but aren't you kind of doing the same thing you think he's doing by not bringing up the potential issue with him? Maybe he's already told the bride that you're his guest and will be at the wedding and all the scuttlebutt is simply her venting. You won't know unless you talk about it.

[Tash]

I wouldn't bow out based on a rumour. He's your friend, just ask him. I would be really ashame if it were untrue and he was hurt because you didn't attend due to a misunderstanding.

Yup-!.......Call people on it-! I always say.. Some folks, usually fake ones avoid me because I love telling them that the Emperor is nakie.. Can't help it..
Make the call, find out what's what before you get upset. Like G-ma always told me, don't borrow trouble. Find out if there's any really there before ya' worry...

[Skylark]

I think it's better to ask him and risk offending/hurting his feelings than to assume the rumor is true and definitely hurt you by not going.

[MsRuthieB]

SeaSiren that's exactly what I was going to say. Have a talk with your friend. Find out the truth of the matter. Suppose the rumour isn't true. And your friend hears about how upset you are upon hearing it, but yet you don't come and talk to him about it. He'll have hurt feelings (I know I would). Best just to get it aired out.

[dawngirl]

Ok, all, thanks for the advice. I'll chew on it and see what I come up with.

[qetta]

Ok, all, thanks for the advice. I'll chew on it and see what I come up with.

Please let us know how it turns out!

[chiaraluna]

Definitely talk to him about it before bowing out. Either way, the bride is out of line feeling so threatened by you -- but such is life. :p

Like qetta said, do let us know how it everything turns out!

[renaissancesun]

Gee, I'll bet that is going to be a great marriage. I hope it is not as bad as it sounds.

:(

[SilverC]

I'd ask him about it too. He's your friend, so if there is a problem he should have the guts to tell you face to face.

I had a friend that I knew since 7th grade. When we were teens, he had a huge crush on me, but I didn't feel the same way. In his late teens, he started dating one of our mutual friends. Well, at the time I thought she was my friend.

In university they announced they were getting married, and I was happy for them. I even saw her at school one day and gave her a hug and said how great I thought it was. And then I waited for an invitation. All my other friends were invited, and since I was one of P's oldest friends, and was also friends with K, I just assumed I'd get one. But it never came.

A week before the wedding, my mom was at a church function and saw one of my other friends there. He had been invited to the wedding and asked if I was going. My mom replied "No, because she never got an invitation. He said, "Oh I'm sure she's invited! Why wouldn't she be? The invitation must have gotten lost."

I never did get an answer as to why I wasn't invited, when every single one of our other friends were. I can only guess that it's because she was still jealous of me and the fact that her soon to be hubby used to have a crush on me. Oh well. I lost a great friend because of her.

[vegbunny83]

wow... your friend's new fiancee sounds like a controlling, jealous b!tch- that certainly doesn't make for a good marriage. i think you should call and ask him if it's true that you are "uninvited" because of his wife-to-be and her paranoia. then if he says it's true, tell him that you hope her controlling behavior won't prevent you from being friends in the future. if he says he still wants you there, then by all means go!!!

hope everything works out!

[zoebird]

i'd talk to your friend. At the very least, you should ask him what he wants. if he supports his bride (which, i suppose he should now that she's keeping his balls in a mason jar under the sink), then he'll repeat her perspective to you.

as a friend, he should be communicative with you. You should ask for this in this situation. Even if this is the end or suspension of this friendship, he should at least ask his wife for his balls back long enough to tell you.

ps: i'm venting about idiot brides like this and their stupid husbands who are no longer my friends because their wives stole their balls.

[Foxy]

ps: i'm venting about idiot brides like this and their stupid husbands who are no longer my friends because their wives stole their balls.


Ypu can't "steal" what is willingly given.

Any man/person not willing and able to stand up for what he feels/believes (especially to a life partner!) is pathetic and, in his passivity, just asking to be controlled in those situations.

Sounds like these "couples" have huge issues and within the relationship, each partner's weakness is complemented (in a bad way) by the others'... :think:

aS FAR AS WHAT TO DO, DAWNGIRL? iT HAS BEEN SAID. oops! Talk to your friend directly.

[zoebird]

foxy:

yup, that's my point. :) i have over 5 'friends' who told me over the last few years as they got married that i can no longer email, IM, or call them. Now, i've been friends with these guys for over 15 yrs, long before they knew their girlfriends/wives, and i live at least 1/2 of the US away in distance (in the case of two, literally all the way across the country, and one lives in Hawai'i for christsakes). How am i possibly a threat to their girlfriends/wives?

talk about weak.

[Thalia]

This is a reach but...
I think maybe the bride might feel insecure in general considering her relationship started so soon after her grooms wife died. So she has to direct her jealousy toward an acceptable person, who is living. She is in an unenviable position. He can remember his relationship with past wife as super perfect, while they, the living, will have the harsh reality with its ups and downs for comparison. Unlike an ex-wife, she has no right to demand he get over her nor say anything bad about her.

[Foxy]

This is a reach but...
I think maybe the bride might feel insecure in general considering her relationship started so soon after her grooms wife died. So she has to direct her jealousy toward an acceptable person, who is living. She is in an unenviable position. He can remember his relationship with past wife as super perfect, while they, the living, will have the harsh reality with its ups and downs for comparison. Unlike an ex-wife, she has no right to demand he get over her nor say anything bad about her.


Quitle possible. However, he reason she is jealous (if she in deed is) has little to do with the fact that it is an inappropriate response to try and get her needs met.

[Skylark]

Foxy,
While a possible explanation for the bride's behavior doesn't excuse what she may or may not have done--remember this is mostly rumor--it could make her behavior more understandable. I think that was Thalia's point.