Making and keeping friends

[Ilikequorn]

I am new so nobody here knows me that well yet.
Hi!

I am feeling really sad because all my friends seem to let me down.
There are several 'friends' who I just don't bother getting in touch with because they're a waste of space. There are also people who really hurt me so I just told them to get out of my life and that I never wanted to speak to them again. I sort have some friends and am making some new friends right now but I can't get out of the state of mind that they are just going to let me down sometime and that they won't care about me once we leave college.
Really were not that close or anything and I don't really trust them. Maybe this happens with people all the time but I'm just so afraid of being close to somebody that I find it hard to imagine ever having any really close friends that i can rely on or even a boyfriend.
I feel like I am just drifting through life on my own because nobody really cares.
:cry:

[The Rev]

Been there. I know how you feel. :hug:

You mention having few friends, and you also mention expectations of being let down, and of not trusting people. Do you think the two are related? I found that I did alot to keep people away when I was younger. I didn't realize it, but my fears of being hurt, lied to, etc. caused me to put up subtle but effective walls that kept others out. While I felt shy, and worried about acceptance, others described me as snooty, and cold/distant.

Anyway, I don't know anything about your circumstances, but I know now that to have good friends, you have to be a good friend, and that means doing a few things such as being a good listener, taking people's feelings and wants seriously (even if you disagree), and accepting others for who they are. People are most interested in those people that find them interesting. Take interest in others, and you will have more friends than your know what to do with. Just don't be phony about it; pick people out that really interest you, for whatever reason, and start talking to them about themselves. You'll be golden.

:bobo:

The Rev

[zoebird]

perhaps some councelling and group therapy will help you learn some social skills as well as how to percieve the relationships in our lives.

i have lots of aquaintances, few friends. It doesn't bother me. And, friends come and go--as they need to--and this is ok. i'm not upset by it, i'm not worried about 'loosing' friends, because sometimes you're walking the same path with people, and sometimes you have to take different forks in the road. nothing wrong with that. it has little to do with whether or not someone cares, it has to do with where you are in life and whether your paths cross and will stay crossed or not.

i take the same approach to my marriage. as long as we're on the same path, then we'll be together. whenever either of us must turn aside and the other cannot follow, then it is important to love that person enough to let them go on their destiny. it's not failure, it's not lack of care. it's just life. so far, we've been walking together for 7.5 years and it looks like we're continuing to walk the same way. in fact, our paths seem closer and closer as each day passes. But, if they were to diverge, so be it.

might help.

[LadyBird]

I know how you feel. I'm a very loyal person and expect the same in return in friendships. Confidantes used to always tell me, when I was depressed and upset, that everyone is only human and that I should accept that I could have different friends for different things. Maybe I'm too much of an idealist (or some other clinically diagnosable type), because I still can't seem to really get into a friendship/relationship that isn't 100% sincere. For instance, I was told that some people are just "flighty," so I should just enjoy fun time out with them, but not rely on them for soulfull conversations.

Consequently, I don't have close friends, which I know is completely my doing. For the last six years or so, my best friend has always also been my SO, and that seems to work well for me. I'm now mostly comfortable with that, but I also know that I need to get over my antisocial tendencies and begin reaching out (...hence joining veggieboards last week, which is something totally new for me. Baby steps, you know... ;) ).

Basically, be your own person, do things that make you happy and that you're genuinely interested in, and friendships will follow, since you'll be meeting like-minded individuals in a natural setting. Friendships and relationships seem most prone to arising when you're happy with yourself and exude comfortable confidence. In the meantime, I'm already convinced that there are some great souls on VB. :D

[vegbunny83]

I am feeling really sad because all my friends seem to let me down.
There are several 'friends' who I just don't bother getting in touch with because they're a waste of space. There are also people who really hurt me so I just told them to get out of my life and that I never wanted to speak to them again. I sort have some friends and am making some new friends right now but I can't get out of the state of mind that they are just going to let me down sometime and that they won't care about me once we leave college. Really were not that close or anything and I don't really trust them. Maybe this happens with people all the time but I'm just so afraid of being close to somebody that I find it hard to imagine ever having any really close friends that i can rely on or even a boyfriend. I feel like I am just drifting through life on my own because nobody really cares.
:cry:

hey ilikequorn, i've been in that situation too.

basically, i had this one girl who was like my bestest best friend since freshman year of HS, and we always hung out and did everything together, and could tell each other anything. basically, i always included her in eveything i did, and would always call her to go to shows and stuff with me. well, she got a boyfriend and joined a sorority, and suddenly she was a shallow flake who never had time for anyone but her bf and sorority friends. she would make plans with me and my other friends and then ditch us at the last minute to go to her bf's bro's party or to go out to lunch with her sorority sister. she would never answer her phone or call us back. we would make plans weeks in advance and she would flake out.

i started to get pretty upset about this and confronted her over AIM coz i was pretty sure she didn't know she was being hurtful. she made up all this crap about how i never call her either (which is BS coz i was calling her twice a week trying to get in touch with her) and how i never had time for her coz i was hanging out w/ other people (which is BS coz i was hanging out w/ them coz she was MIA). so basically we said we'd try to call eachother and hang out more. i still call her about once every other week, and she never answers or calls back. and the worst thing is that the few times we have talked, she is a total flake and is not deep like she used to be. i can't even talk to her anymore. :sick:

at first when this was happening, i was really upset and depressed, because she had been such a close friend. but then i decided not to stress over it anymore. i figure that if she doesn't have the time for me, i shouldn't worry about it.

most of my other friends i am close to are either away at college or have moved to other states. i only have a few friends around here- there is my roommate TQ on the boards, our friend christine who lives in the suburbs, and my boyfriend who is my best friend. and then i have lots of acquaintances (my bf's friends mostly) and my family and my bf's family. at first it worried me that i was unable to make any other close friends- i went to an art school and many of the people there were snobs, and i didn't live in the dorms either. but then i discovered that i liked spending time by myself, and i began to appreciate my alone time and my time with my good friends more. so, it all worked out and i am pretty much happy now.

as for you not being able to trust new friends, maybe if you have known them for a while, you can talk to them about your experiences with your past friends, and see if maybe they have had similar experiences. you might be surprised! once you learn of their past experiences, maybe you will be able to trust them more knowing that they have been through the same thing. just take your time, and you will fall into your friendships naturally.

good luck!

[bumble]

I am going to be quick about this because everyone has already stated it.


You win some and you loose some.The true one's always stay by your side.Just keep being you,and the true friends ,will be there in the end.

[organica]

Hi Ilikequorn, I am in the same boat.
I don't know what to suggest other than getting involved in something where you can meet like-minded individuals who have something in common w/ you.
I find I don't have any friends whom I am not related w/ by way of either my volunteering @ a radio station, or my involvement w/ the mental health system.

[Psyche]

'Tis why I join message boards. :D

I have few friends and even fewer who are true friends. Even less after I decided to go veg.

I find that the only thing I can do is be myself and if people like me, they like me, if they don't, their loss.

[Ilikequorn]

You mention having few friends, and you also mention expectations of being let down, and of not trusting people. Do you think the two are related? I found that I did alot to keep people away when I was younger. I didn't realize it, but my fears of being hurt, lied to, etc. caused me to put up subtle but effective walls that kept others out. While I felt shy, and worried about acceptance, others described me as snooty, and cold/distant.


Yeah this does sound quite truthful. I will try to work on being more open with people etc.
By the way heard you were having a bad time Rev. Stay Strong :hug:

Thanks for advice people :up: