Religiously "coming out?"

[April]

It's been about 4 years since I let go of my christian faith, but I don't think my mom knows or gets it. I'm 24, I live 2.5 hours from her, talk to her about once a month, and see her at just about all the religious holidays. We don't have a great relationship. I know there are far more important things in life, but I would be more comfortable if she knew.

How do I bring this up?

Mom's a christian. Dad's agnostic. I went to church and Sunday school until I was about 9. I quit believing in god when I was about 8 or 9, then believed again from age 14-20.

Can anyone share their experiences?

[SpunkyChild]

It is really weird that you posted this because I'm kinda doing the same thing. A couple of hours ago I was talking to my dad and I finally told someone in my family that I'm not Christian anymore. Then my dad told me he wasn't either. I've been alive 21 years and never knew my dad wasn't Christian. Pretty much all I did was come out and say it, but it would be different if I didn't already have a good relationship with my dad, know what i mean?

It's been more difficult with my mom. She doesn't attend church, and she's rejecting a lot of what she grew up believing, but she still is Christian. I basically have made small comments along the way about how I can't do the Christianity thing anymore...reasons why I can't accept the Bible as a book of law, stuff like that. Nothing too blatant and direct, because I don't want it to be a shock or for her to think I'm judging her when I say I don't believe it. It's a really hard thing to do. Though I haven't believed in awhile, coming out and saying it to someone almost felt like heresy!!

[AngelOfDance]

What do you know about your parents' religious histories?

My parents are both VERY devout Catholics. They've made me go to church every single sunday and Holy Day since I was baptized, all their girls were sent to Catholic schools up until College, my dad is a permanent deacon (which is just a step down from priest) etc.

I don't want to be Catholic, at least at this point. I'm not happy at all with the politics of it right now, for one thing, and I'm a little burned out on it anyway.

I was afraid my parents wouldn't understand at first, and then I realized... I wasn't baptized until I was four years old. My parents were married in a park by a justice of the peace. My parents were both raised Catholic. This leads me to believe that at some point, they lapsed in their faith.

So... they've been there too. This is a comfort to me because it means they (at least somewhat) understand (or they ought to, anyway) and I think it's a comfort to them because it means that I may still go back to Catholicism at some point in my life.

[Dirty Martini]

You could write her an email or a letter.

When I moved overseas, my mom (who is pretty christian but very private about it) mentioned something about god being with me as a sign of my success in life. (It's always bothered me when people comment on others' luck or success as a sign of god's presence - as if to say that if you're unfortunate in life, god isn't with you? it's weird.)

Anyway, it wasn't a good time to talk to her about my own beliefs (I'm a Humanist), so later I sat down & wrote her a long email. Then the next day I wrote her another one. They were nice, kind, loving, and explanatory. I didn't talk about *her* faith. I talked about my path, my life, my experiences, and how I've come to my own beliefs. She thanked me for my emails but we haven't talked about religion or god since, which is ok.

My point is that writing a letter or email might allow you to revise, revise, revise - until you get across what you want to say. And maybe add that you don't want to argue about it? But that you love her and want her to know more about you as a person. ... ? I don't know if that would work in your present relationship, but... it's worth a shot... hopefully. :)

[catgirl67]

I am a Christian, and my 15 year old daughter has rejected God totally. She has expressed an interest in satanism recently. She has also been expelled from school for doing drugs, and I suspect she is having sex as well. While I am not at all thrilled with all of this, I will always love her no matter what she does. She is my baby, and she will be my baby for as long as I live. Nothing could make me not love her.

Even though you two don't have the best relationship, I'm sure she loves you as much as I love Mandy. :)

[Christy]

Copied from the Changing Religions for Marriage thread:

...I get religious (and political) emails from my stepmother quite frequently. (Perhaps a thread is in order.) I'm not sure if it's that she assumes I agree with her views or is trying to convince me. I don't really want to come out and say, "I'm not a christian" because of the possible reaction. (Same goes for political opinions.)

Also, my half-sister's adoptive parents are quite religious. I'm not sure how to avoid holding hands and praying at the dinner table (which the mom did when I first met her - haven't met my sister yet) without making a scene. I know that they'll be telling her about me during the week of Thanksgiving. I'm told she'll want to meet me immediately, but I'm not so sure. Again, I don't want to come out and say "I'm not christian" and risk a bad first impression with a very religious family. This, over the situation with my own family, worries me most.

[rincaro]

I too vote for the letter idea. Having the opportunity to revise and review it can help you make it as easy to read as possible. I also think Amy's idea of focusing on what you do believe in is a good route.

And Christy for the holding hands part - maybe you could sit between her and your husband - that way you could refrain from holding hands without making a fuss?

[Christy]

My husband will not be there. The letter/email might work with my family (stepmother, dad...), or not. I just don't want to have to justify myself or suffer through any sort of intervention. If she just reads it, accepts it, and does not give me the third degree, that would be great. I can't take for granted that she will.

[zoebird]

i like the idea of writing a letter, but never sending it. it's a good way to get all of your ideas together. Then, eventually, you'll naturally discover a way to tell your family at the right time.

[The Rev]

I am a Christian, and my 15 year old daughter has rejected God totally. She has expressed an interest in satanism recently. She has also been expelled from school for doing drugs, and I suspect she is having sex as well. While I am not at all thrilled with all of this, I will always love her no matter what she does. She is my baby, and she will be my baby for as long as I live. Nothing could make me not love her.

Even though you two don't have the best relationship, I'm sure she loves you as much as I love Mandy. :)

Satanism? :devil:

I think she's just doing the "teen rebellion thing" to get your goat. I mean, if you're going to seriously worship someone, why make it the bad guy. You can just do nothing and go to hell. Why make work for yourself?

:lol:

The Rev

[catgirl67]

Satanism? :devil:

I think she's just doing the "teen rebellion thing" to get your goat. I mean, if you're going to seriously worship someone, why make it the bad guy. You can just do nothing and go to hell. Why make work for yourself?

:lol:

The Rev

She is doing the rebellion thing. She is also in deep emotional pain, and refuses to talk about it. My mom took her to a therapist, and the little (insert profanity of choice here) wouldn't get out of the car. But, she's my baby, and I love her. I don't like her much now, but I love her.

[April]

The letter idea seems like a good way to figure out what I want to say, but I don't think I'd ever send it. It just seems too formal for my situation. I didn't come from a very devoutly christian home. I'm sure it'll be a disappointment to my mom, but probably not heartbreaking. Maybe she'll stop telling me to sing in church as a gift back to god. I haven't adopted another religion, either, so that makes it just a little harder to discuss, I think. Meh.

[ceryna]

Satanism? :devil:

I think she's just doing the "teen rebellion thing" to get your goat. I mean, if you're going to seriously worship someone, why make it the bad guy. You can just do nothing and go to hell. Why make work for yourself?

:lol:

The Rev

Agreed. I'm sure she's doing it to get attention. If she went to an actual Black Mass or whatever they're called, she'd probably be scared enough to wet herself, heh.

Seriously, though, this kind of thing is just to to upset you, it's for shock value. I would say that you should act like it doesn't bother you, but then she might do something even more extreme to get your attention.

Teenagers make me scared to have kids. Every time I read about something like this it makes me rethink my choice to reproduce someday. ^^;;

----

As for the topic at hand, I was raised in a strict southern baptist family, and I've totally rejected it. They know it, too. (Well, my immediate family knows, anyway.) I've flat out told my mom that I don't want to discuss religion with her, to avoid fights.

They don't know that I've been researching other spiritualities, primarily in the pagan realm. If I end up going with a pagan spirituality, I will probably never tell them, to save myself the hassle of them trying to "save" me.

[catgirl67]

I still say no matter how you decide to break it to your mom, she's your mom, and she will love you no matter what you decide. I think she will probably appreciate a face to face conversation more than a letter.

It makes me so sad when I hear of devout Christian parents rejecting their children when they chose a different path, or chose a homosexual lifestyle. They make the rest of the world think all Christians are like that, and that is so not true!

[zoebird]

depends upon the satanism. most of it is just an inversion of the judeochristian origin myth. alister crowley has some interesting ideas, and most of them are not really connected to "satan" in the sense of "he's the bad guy" but rather in the concept of personal responsibility, doing what is right. in actuality, it's just a way of flipping the christian ideas that sometimes blind and confuse people, putting the ideas on their head and then looking at things in other ways. it's largely reactionary, which is why i ultimately rejected many of the notions, while the underlying philosophies aren't terrible. so, i wouldn't be terribly worried about it if it's really church of satan and those groups (thelmatic religions--i think that's spelled right).

but, it's also usually a way for a teen to rebel. maybe try to steer her toward buddhism, which is comfortably atheist w hile still being driven by the same values that drive christianity. same ideas, different origin story.

but again, coming out is no big deal, if you know how you want to do it.

[catgirl67]

depends upon the satanism. most of it is just an inversion of the judeochristian origin myth. alister crowley has some interesting ideas, and most of them are not really connected to "satan" in the sense of "he's the bad guy" but rather in the concept of personal responsibility, doing what is right. in actuality, it's just a way of flipping the christian ideas that sometimes blind and confuse people, putting the ideas on their head and then looking at things in other ways. it's largely reactionary, which is why i ultimately rejected many of the notions, while the underlying philosophies aren't terrible. so, i wouldn't be terribly worried about it if it's really church of satan and those groups (thelmatic religions--i think that's spelled right).

but, it's also usually a way for a teen to rebel. maybe try to steer her toward buddhism, which is comfortably atheist w hile still being driven by the same values that drive christianity. same ideas, different origin story.

but again, coming out is no big deal, if you know how you want to do it.


This is a brief summary of what happened:

On Mandy's second of her first year in high school, a girl was overdosing in the bathroom. Mandy stayed to help her. The school assumed she was doing drugs, and grilled her for two hours and drove her blood pressure sky high. They insisted she was a druggie. Her drug test was clean, but she was labeled. All of her friends from junior high weren't allowed to associate with her. The bad crowd was the only one who would accpet her. When she was acutally caught high, they put her in an alternative school. Six weeks there taught her how to identify mushrooms, how to sneak drugs in her bra, and how to get a boyfriend in jail. In six weeks my sweet girl turned into a depressed bi***. I blasted the school district today. They are now kissing my butt.


Anyway, thats what is up with devil girl. She will be ok. I know it. She just needs some therapy, and to be tested for learning disabilities. She has been requesting that anyway.

April, I hope everything works out with you and your mom. :)

[SpunkyChild]

The poor girl! I hate it when people make bad assumptions like that. I had a friend who was interrogated about crack for no good reason, and naturally his pulse was racing. So of course, they decided he was on something. It's a good way to mess up a person's social and emotional life =(

[zoebird]

yeah, i'm really sorry to hear that she went through that. there is so much institutionalized abuse in schools, i'm surprised we even support them.

anyway, she's a questioner, which is a good thing. therapy is always a great idea, and i'm glad that you support it. she's been really hurt by some authorities, so that can really rock some ideas. you know? i wish her all the best.

[Ryan McReynolds]

I came out to my parents as an atheist about 4 years ago (at age 20). I had never really believed in God, but I would have called myself agnostic if anyone had asked me in high school. My mom is privately religious but doesn't attend church. Her family is very religious. My dad's family is less so, and he is also privately religious, but more in a generic "I believe in God" way than a "personal relationship with Christ" way. Anyway, I just told my dad one day, and after that initial conversation, nothing at all has changed in our relationship. Religion is essentially one of those issues that we all accept as between individuals and whatever god(s) they want to believe in.

If you're a vegetarian in an omnivore family, you've probably got practice! Although I would put coming out about non-religion more in the realm of coming out about being gay: religious beliefs could lead to all sorts of disownment, ostrasizing, and gnashing of teeth. My wife is lucky her Southern Baptist family still talks to her! Nonetheless, it is important for you to be able to be yourself, whatever that self may be. In the case of atheism in particular, it is also important that theists realize that atheists are around and we're good people like everyone else! I don't go around shouting it, but if somebody asks me about my religious beliefs, I simply tell them. I've never even gotten so much as an evangelical testimonial, and I'm in Texas!

As an aside on the praying at the table business, when my religious relatives do that, I just hold the hands and stare ahead until everyone is finished. There's nothing wrong with fellowship, I just ignore the God part.

[Kamila]

It's been about 4 years since I let go of my christian faith, but I don't think my mom knows or gets it. I'm 24, I live 2.5 hours from her, talk to her about once a month, and see her at just about all the religious holidays. We don't have a great relationship. I know there are far more important things in life, but I would be more comfortable if she knew.

How do I bring this up?

Mom's a christian. Dad's agnostic. I went to church and Sunday school until I was about 9. I quit believing in god when I was about 8 or 9, then believed again from age 14-20.

Can anyone share their experiences?
My guess would be that she does know but isn't really ready to accept it. My question for you would be along the lines of how much do you love her? When you tell her, all her fears will come to the surface. It will seem as if her hope for you has been shattered. There is no more hoping you'll come around once you make it plain.

The reason that I ask about your love for her is because you need to know up front that she will probably have a negative reaction and you need to let her have that without defending yourself or your choice. Let her relieve her emotional pressure with out fighting with her. She will not be able to hear you until she gets this all out. It may take as little as an hour, it may take far longer. You have had time to think this through, she has only had time to push the thoughts away. Once she gets through this you may even have a better relationship because there will not be this secret/lie between you. Once you get past the initial fuss, you are absolutely free to enforce boundaries... "I love you mom, but if you insistent on only talking religion... making me feel manipulated (be specific on how she is doing this, none of us really accept that we do this)... whatever, then with all respect for us I have to leave. Reach out for her later if you choose to follow through on enforcing your boundary, she is your only mom. Let her be herself. Accept that she is who she has always been and you need to love the whole package just as she loves you. If she normally talks about her religious experience then it would be somewhat cruel to insist that she stop that as long as it is not meant to evangelize you... it is who she is.

BTW I would say this to her face, telling her you love her and then stand before the storm, it will soon calm itself. Unless of course you only love the idea of a mom instead of the actual woman.

With hope for a bright tomorrow with her

[veggiewriter]

My parents are "super duper evangelical Religious Right everything is about God and all who aren't Christian are evil" type people. And those who aren't noticibly evil (Gandhi, perhaps?) are pitied. Oddly enough, growing up, my family wasn't the strictest about "evil" (we could watch Smurfs and stuff).

There is no way I want to have the "I'm not a Christian anymore" discussion with them. First, they don't believe that you can excuse yourself from Christianity. They believe that once Jesus has you, he keeps you...You're just causing him pain by kicking him in the shins or something. Second, because the last time they found out I was doing something "evil" (working in a bar) they forbid me to talk to my siblings; and that lasted for nearly two years. Third, I don't want them to waste their time (and their churches time and the rest of my extended family's time) praying that I turn back to the good side of the force.

Besides, they found out I voted for Kerry and, after all my (very calm) explaining my personal civil rights/human rights theories to them, all my mom said was "Wow" and hung up on me.

My parents "can't handle the truth" so I won't burden them with it.

[ceryna]

Wow, veggiewriter, your parents sound like mine! I don't envy you that.

[veggiewriter]

I suppose they made us what we are today, though, huh? Not afraid to step away from the mainstream, arrogant enough to question 'authority' and the certainty that we're right. ;)

[empathanimal]

I'm siding with Kamila here. It may not be easy, but it's better to be honest than hide it.

[Christy]

Crap. Now I'm getting religious emails from my half-sister's adoptive mother. Don't I get enough of that from my stepmother? :help: