will you be my friend? (social-college problems)

[rainbowmoon]

I am having a very hard time at college- I go to Michigan State, which is about 2 1/2 hours away from my hometown. I just don't know how to make friends, and I am also having problems with my roomate. I don't know what to do...
My roomate is a very good friend of mine from growing up. We went to school together and were always pretty close until she left and moved to Mississippi in 9th grade. Now, I knew all along she was bratty and somewhat selfish, and in school she always liked to stir things up. I figured she would be more mature at this point (as I am)but since she moved down South, she's become pretty different, much more immersed in "urban" (black, hip-hop) culture, possibly a bit racist... Turns out we have nothing in common, which means I have nothing in common with most of her friends and don't often feel welcome around them.
She is also somewhat inconsiderate. If she is the first person awake, she doesn't hesitate to turn on the TV, radio, every light without caring if it disturbs me or not. She will stay up late if she feels like it- on Thursday night, she knew I had an 8 AM exam but still had some guy in our room until 2 AM, TV on, lights on, radio on. She did ask if she was bothering me, but when I said 'yes' she just kept on with what she was doing! :dizzy: She also was supposed to go to the game with me today but she left me to go with other friends because our suite mate was in the shower and I couldn't get in there on time...I would have waited for her, even if it made us late for the game!
Also, I have a hard time making friends and meeting new people. Although I am working on it, our floor is largely a bunch of boring dead asses, and everyone leaves their door shut 90% of the time. A lot of the girls on our floor, when I say hi to them, they just look at me like maybe I am an alien from outer space with testicles for eyes.
There are some cool people in my classes, but what do I say? UMM, wanna be my friend? :bow: I have gone to the same school with the same kids at home my whole life, and I feel totally lost trying to meet new people.
What should I do? There is the option of attempting to move, and I feel that is probably the best way to address the roomate situation. I know talking to her will do no good, because she doesn't care.
I just need some advice. Being up here has gotten to be quite depressing. :help:
lovenlight,
Linz

[AngelOfDance]

butt in on their conversations. seriously. Get to classes early because that's when all the conversing happens. Nobody ever stays after class just to talk.

Make an observation about the class, ask a question, ("do you think this test is going to hard or will it be bull sh*^ like the last one?") or something. Bring pictures of a pet and at a lull in conversation, ask if anyone wants to see them. Someone will, of course, and they'll probably get passed around. Since you're in college and most people are away from home, it will rpobably get people talking about their pets at home and you can join in the conversation.

getting to class early is definitely ahuge help, though. This is coming from me, the painfully shy near-mute, so you know it's got to be true. I mean early like maybe the second one in the room, not early like before the teacher begins teaching.

After class, look out for anyone from your class who walks the same direction as you do. Walk with them and comment to them one-on-one about the class. This is especially good for any classes that fall right before lunch because then you can eat with them as well.

I found that after I started showing pictures of Natalie, everyone wanted to talk to me. You can borrow some if you like.

[spud]

maybe ask around if there are any room swaps/ vacancies going. Even if there aren't it would be a subject of conversation with others in your class.
Making friends is easier if you join some clubs.

[rabid_child]

My first year of college was really rough, especially because I didn't live on campus. It was also hard because I don't smoke and everyone would stand around before/after classes and during breaks smoking, and asking for a cigarette was like, an "in." (Don't worry! I never started smoking!) I found that what helped me the most was joining things, getting into performances/teching in the theatre and then since you spend time with the cast/crew every day for weeks on end, you get to be friendly! If someone else is sitting alone in the cafeteria, sit with them and just strike up a conversation. It doesn't matter if you become friends or not, you're just getting practice! Try to find a club or meeting or organization or charitable function to join up. Have someone from home send you a big box of homemade cookies and then go knock on doors in your dorm and offer to share, since there's too much for you to eat alone! (I make great care packages if you need help with this one! :D) Not only do you meet people, you bring them good food, and people appreciate that. You could also hang out in the laundry room while your wash is being done and talk to people as they come in. Good luck!

[IamJen]

I second the idea of joining some clubs/activities...chances are good you'll run into someone like yourself, someone looking for folks to hang out with.

Can you ditch the scary roommate after Christmas break?

[AngelOfDance]

oooh, good idea with the care packages!

Theatre is definitely a good place to meet people because there's that whole teamwork thing where you're all working together to create something and there's so much to learn and such a wide variety of talents needed. Plus theatre people, as a general rule, completely rock.

[rainbowmoon]

IamJen- I am working on moving out...its a bit of a process but my parents supported my decision and said they would come up and help me move. So its just a matter of getting the paperwork in, finding someplace with vacancy, and getting switched. At a big place like MSU (and it may be like this elsewhere, I am not sure) it takes awhile for people to get back to you.

Angel- :) All good ideas. I will definatley start going to class earlier to talk to people, although I am not bringing a picture of my dumpy cat...lol! Is Natalie your little baby there? (I realize she is not your baby, but you know I mean) She is ADORABLE!!

spud- good idea on the clubs. I need to bust out that list of MSU clubs.

rabid child- Aww, you volunteered to send me a care package. What a sweet little bean you are! :lovesign: I will definatley try that and I will join some activities. I am not sure about MSU's theatre program- I assume it exists, but it may be extremely competitive. Thel laundry room is also a good idea.

Thanks everybody!
:kiss:
Linz

[AngelOfDance]

rainbowmoon: work on crews. You learn more (and more practical stuff) on crews anyway. Even if you're not on a crew, find a faculty member involved in theatre and ask them whether they could use any help running the shop and when the shop is open (and possibly where it is, if you don't know.) At my school, people are constantly working in the shop, and even if you don't know what exactly you're doing in the beginning, someone will teach you! I've learned more about wood, power tools, and carpentry than I ever thought I would. If you know how to do a little bit of hand sewing, you can be valuable in the costume shop. If you know how to use a sewing machine and/or a serger, they'll just love you.

Good luck!

and yeah, Natalie is my baby half sister. She's an excellent conversation starter.

[CharityAJO]

I have a little insight: It sounds like you're used to the high school notion of "cliques" where you have this institution of Friendship, and people are either Friends or Not Friends. And there's some sort of initiation to become "Friends."

...Not so much. Just chat with people as you see fit, make acquaintances, make some plans, have some heated discussions.

Also, second the idea of joining some clubs. I met some of the coolest people from my AR group.

[VegEnigma]

You could always transfer to Grand Valley... we could use another vegetarian :smoke:

[zoebird]

i'm pretty much a loner and have never had very many friends. I have short-lived friendships, for the most part, no more than a year or two. i do have the rare long-term friend, like my husband. otherwise, not much else. SO, first thing, i know how to get along by myself.

i like activities. first, i love movement-based activities. i don't often do these things with people because i don't often get to do what i want to do. for instance, hiking club. fun sometimes, because you get out there, but then not so fun when you're the only one who wants to do trail X, and everyone else wants to do trail F, and so you end up doing trail F for the 40th time, and it's totally boring, and then whatever. On another day, you drag someone to trail X, or go early and on your own. YOu know? I love plays, i used to go to them on my own. i go to movies on my own, i go to lunch on my own. i can pretty much do anything on my own that other people do in groups.

That, then, lead to interesting little relationships. I call them "transient aquaintances." these are people whome you meet "around" and might end up hanging with on occassion. It's pretty cool. you konw them, they know you, but there's nothing to your relationship except some banter and some food occassionally. it's a no strings thing and gets rid of loneliness. Also, it's really cool for meeting "out of the way" kind of people. One of my best "transient aquaintances" was a chinese man (who was super hot), who had traveled all over china become coming to the US as an illegal alien. he's still an illegal, he's very poor, but he's smart, interesting, educated and makes great conversation. I seriously would marry him and have babies. but, i'm married to someone else. He's a great guy though--and two years ago he just "disappeared." occassionally i find him spooking around the art museum on the free day--and that's when we hang out and talk about everything for about 35 minutes over tea that he brings in a thermos. He totally rules. i would never have met him if i didn't just strike up a conversation one day with him at the restaurant where he works and i was dining alone and no one else was in the place. See? cool.

then, i guess you can say "how do you meet people" and i think the before class thing is great and so is the club thing. the club thing is probably the easiest.

switching roommates isn't always great. i've had many roommates and most of them, even ones who were originally friends, really sucked. it's hard living with people--seriously. but, you have to be firm about your rules. I suggest that until your room transfer, you lay down some rules for your roommate. If she's up late and blaring everything, tell her to shut the F up and turn of the GD lights or you'll kick her A from here to sunday. it'll get the picture across, even if you're not that angry about it. or, be kind about it and say "hey, roomie, this arrangement isn't great for me. i know you want to hang, so go to the common room so that i can sleep for me exam tomorrow" or set up a lights out policy for certain days, like mon-thurs, and then weekends have different times. When i wanted to stay up late, i went elsewhere. when she wanted to stay up late, she went elsewhere. and elsewhere isn't hard to find on a good sized campus.

the main thing is to just be bold and have fun. don't worry about making friends, just meeting people and seeing if you liek them. i like people, so i like to go around to different clubs, places, and do different things. know what you like, do that, and be yourself. don't worry about the rest. :)

[Draekyn]

Here's an idea. Go to class early (I think this is a great suggestion) and grab the crossword in the paper. Start a conversation by asking fellow crossworders if they know the answer to a specific clue. Maybe I'm a dork, but alot of people I know did the crossword every day. Plus it's something to do when you are bored in class :D

[mayuko]

an astounding number of people at my school knit -- and i swear, all the knitters are like this little circle of friends now! well, no, not really, and that's the even better part -- lots of times someone will be knitting and someone else (i've done this) has gone, "oh wow, you knit? that's so cool!" and a friend of mine has already taught three folks to knit (and i'm next!~) -- so um, learn to knit? :D

other than that, no hints man, sorry -- in any situation, i either completely lack self-consciousness/shame/whatever and just start saying random ridiculous stuff to someone, or i use the lame cop-out rabid_child mentioned -- 'hey man, can i bum a smoke?' (but if it's not something you'd say outside of the context of wanting to make friends, i would not suggest starting up this one!)

[CaptainSwab]

I agree with joining clubs. Thats how I met all the people that I talk to even now that we are scattered all over the country.

I met some great people through some environmental clubs. I also joined a an outdoor adventure club and we would get together and go hiking and go to the mountains and stay up all night to watch meteor showers, etc, etc. It was awesome.

I highly reccommend that you find some sort of organization that you would be interested in joining because that is where you'll find the people you can relate to.

[Dirty Martini]

ohhhhhhh the crossword is a great idea!! :D

One thing I did to make friends was go to the women's center and chat up a couple of the women there. I volunteered @ the center and became friends with about 4 of the women there - and stayed friends with one of them. we are still pretty good friends to this day, 11 years later.

Do you work? I found my best friend AND my husband in my workplace (different companies). Try applying at a busy place where a lot of students work. I worked in a hardware store - about 80% of the employees there were students.

What about a sorority? No, not one of the "ohmygod where's the frat party?!" kinds of sororities. But an academics-related one. I looked into a multiculturalism one for a while. They did events on campus to promote cultural diversity & there were some neat women there - but I never really clicked with anyone so I stopped going. They didn't have a house - they met @ a coffeeshop. I think there's a national business fraternity too but I don't know the letters. It's co-ed so girls are allowed. :) I'm not sure if it's just for biz majors though.

Another way I made some friends was through a campus BBS - alt.ucdavis.edu I think. Someone organized a group-meet to all go see Goldfinger when it came out, so I went & met a few people - two of whom I still keep in touch with. And we were all internet dorks, so we got along great. :D

Anyway... everyone has some great ideas here. My only advice to you is that you really have nothing to lose. Really! So many people feel the exact same way that you do, even if it doesn't appear that way. If you stay withdrawn, you'll gain nothing. But if you reach out & talk to people, you might not make any life-long friends but you just might make someone's day!!

[AngelOfDance]

another thing I've just recently discovered that makes everyone want to talk to me...

I'm reading "Wicked" by Gregory McGwire... it's an excellent book, and all the really cool people are at least somewhat familiar with the musical version. I can't put the book down. I take it with me everywhere... read it during lunch if I'm not sitting with anyone, sit in the lounge and read it during breaks, read it before class, etc or just carry it around. People will stop to comment on it, ask how it is, ask if I've seen the show, etc. I've got a waiting list of about seven people who want to read it when I'm finished, and three of those seven were people who rarely talked to me before they spotted my book and talk to me all the time now.

so... to make friends, get "Wicked"

[CharityAJO]

Or any interesting book. :)

I thought the Dumb Crossword Glazed Eyes was a UM phenomenon? Hehe. Everyone here does it, talks about it, is a total geek over it.

I think you need to start an AR group if there isn't already one. :D Not because I care whether you make friends, but because I think there should be a group. (Kidding!) Anyway, it's a neat thing to do, looks great on a resume to boot. And I have insane amounts of materials/references, etc that I'm willing to send over.

[The Rev]

The cool thing about being veg*n is we're ALL looking for other veg*ns we can relate to. My guess is, if you look into it, you'll find there is a studen vegan or vegetarian group (or possibly both) on campus. You'd have instant friends, and an instant group that will like you, hang with you, and watch your back (meaning, take your side when those pesky omnis start in on you).

Check it out.

:bobo:

The Rev

[Seadolphin]

Joining clubs is a great idea! That's how I met some of my really good friends in college. Another good way is participating in the various dorm activities that are planned. Often times they sound lame, but they're a good way to meet people who live around you. This can be much easier than going around knocking on random doors (although that can be fun, too!)

[@Raeven]

join clubs, jump into conversations.. show up to class early and turn to the girl/guy that sits behind you, extend your hand and go "hi, my name is linz.. **** is it cold out, or WHAT?!"

that's how i met one of my best friends, except for me it was "hi, my name's deva.. and i can't believe how bad this instructor is.."

[rainbowmoon]

Thank you so much for all the ideas!! I have been really busy, I think keeping busy is good, and I've been going to class earlier to talk to people. I've been just generally trying to talk to people more. Clubs, yes. Sorority...I am not sure about that! Lol. I've heard a lot of of nasty things about girls in sororities, but I realize there are all kinds of them, too.
Rev- You know what is funny? There are actually no vegetarian groups listed on the MSU clubs page! I was very suprised by this! I am thinking at some point I need to start one!!! So Charity, if you want to send over materials, I might think about it...but I am sorta shy and I'm not sure if I could start a group! I must stake out other vegetarians to help!!!
mayuko- interestingly enough, I know how to knit!! :naughty:
THANK YOU so much for all the suggestions! I feel so much better. :kiss:


The thing about the roomate, it turns out it is pretty easy to move. I think it is just best not to live with a good friend- like zoebird said, it doesn't necessarily mean the situation will be easy, but with a friend I feel I expect more from her. Also, I am not the most anxious to complain about things, which sounds like a good thing but it actually kind of messes me up because I won't say anything if I am upset!!

[zoebird]

i know that one of our eco-groups on campus was vegetarian. i can't remember what they were called. ecofriends or something. anyway, it was an environmental-vegetarian group.

i didn't join a sorority because i'm not into drinking parties. my sister joined a serve fraternity (co ed) and had a great time with it. they weren't a huge drinking group (though they did party a lot), and she got a lot of great experience (she did a lot of event planning with the fraternity and the american red cross, planning their floats for the pan-hellenic homecoming parade, did a lot of publicty work, etc. pretty cool stuff.)

just another option. also, exercise related clubs (yoga, some other sport you like to do), is a great way to combine fun, friends, and fitness. :)

[Skylark]

Learn a new language. Then you have an "excuse" to talk with people who also know the language. Ask for a language exchange or just to talk sometime to keep practicing.

Or, write for the student newspaper. When you do stories, you have the name of the paper as your credibility. I find it's SO much easier to ask personal questions at first when I have "legit reasons" for wanting to know--"My audience needs to know". Then you can talk with those people other times, and they'll already recognize you.

[formicalinoleum]

Many people have said what I was going to say, which is to join clubs. Perhaps a sports club? That way you meet people and get exercise! In my freshman year, I joined the karate club, because I had always kind of been interested in martial arts but never tried it. I ended up loving it, remaining for my entire time at college, and being on the karate team.

[bumble]

Are you an animal activist..maybe you could join the local PETA chapter or anyother animal group or veggie group.

Or vollunteer.Thats what I do.No friends yet through those things,but it makes me feel good and I am sure one day,you would meet someone nice to hang with.

P.s you should move away from that roommate..asap.