Single mom by choice

[IamJen]

I was talking about this with my boss/friend recently, and was curious.

Did anyone here become a single mom purposefully? Did you adopt, ply a male friend with alcohol (lol), etc.?

[rincaro]

I didn't become a single mom "on purpose" but I knew when I had big J that I would raise him alone. Both of my sons were once in a blue moon encounters with my ex-husband *and* I was using effective b.c. I knew I was alone in it, but it didn't matter. I figured against those odds, those boys were meant for a reason.

[dawngirl]

I have considered the "plying male friend with alcohol" option and decided against it. If I'm meant to have children a decent man will come into my life or divine intervention will occur.

[Jinga]

If I am still single when I am nearing late-thirties/early-fourties, I will probably adopt. I really do not want to go through to emotional and physical strains of childbirth by myself. However, I couldn't imagine my life never being a mommy. Hopefully, I won't still be single in ten years, but even if I'm not I may still wish to adopt. The jury is still out on that one.

[sandiemac]

i'm pretty much a single mom by choice. when i had my daughter 13 years ago i decided i wanted her but not her father...after she was born. and then when i got pregnant with my son this year i told his father at the same time i told him i was pregnant that i did not want him involved in any aspect of this baby's life..as we were just casually involved he agreed...well so far anyway. i also purposefully left their names off the birth certificates.

[thebelovedtree]

My aunt is a single mom by choice, after I was born she really really wanted a baby, but because she was the care taker of my grandmother (by her choice) she wasn't really in a position to go out and find a husband. So she went out one night and got pregnant by some guy from out west. As far as I know he doesn't even know he has a daughter. Everyone involved is very happy, including my cousin who is now 14, so it worked out.

[Alfiedog]

My boss is 40 something and she's single - no man in her life. She's been trying to have a baby with A.I., fertility treatments and now I.V, for the past two years. I understand when you're in a relationship and you want to have a baby, or if an accident happens, but for her I just feel like I'd respect her more if she adopted a child.

[IamJen]

How is it different if she were in a relationship and decided to have a child (not by accident)?

[bethanie]

This is an interesting thread. I'm curious too Iamjen. How is it different if she addopts? Why does she deserve more respect for addopting a child rather than 'getting herself knocked up'?

Are we more comfortable with an annonymous child from someone else (and not having to look at a single woman's belly) than we are with seeing an unmarried woman who wants to be a Mom, go through all of the bells and whistles of that experience?

I think that's a fair question.

I'm a single Mom not by choice (well, I choose to REMAIN a single Mom for the time being and not funk up my daughter's life with a lot of extracirricular activities on my part ;)). Not to mention I would never in a million years choose Madison's Dad again. Yikes. Freedom rocks (okay, I'm too old to use the term rocks).

B

[Descentia]

I am 27 and want to do a lot more before I have kids, however if I get to 34-36 ish, am single and decide I want kids, I will have them. I have some fantastic male friends who I would consider asking for 'help' from. But I would much prefer to have kids in a long term loving relationship.

[Alfiedog]

I'm probably the minority here, but I think it's better to bring a child into the world when the have a (positive) father figure. In her particular case, she's tried for two years now and in my mind there's kind of a difference when you naturally try and have a child and when you purposefully use science to have a child with a sperm donor and you aren't in a relationship. I think there's a big difference period if you purposefully have a child when you are in a (loving) relationship and if you're single.

In my 20s I was all about single women having children and I thought that's what I would do when I reached a certain age. I remember by boss at the time, arguing with me about how unfair it was to bring a child into the world without a father. And me arguing the other side of the issue. At this point, still being single, I'd prefer to adopt a child than to have one out of a relationship. It's actually the animal rights thing that made me reach that decision. I'm not sure if that's explained it any, it's just one of those decisions I have reached in my own mind.

[IamJen]

Alfie..tis okay to be in the minority. :) (and I'm not sure that you are).

It's hard to decipher between what feelings are stereotypes and what is in the best interest of a child. That is, is it selfish to want/have a child if you know there's not going to be a father figure? Do I struggle with that feeling because of a "scientific" belief that 2 parents make a better home, or is it the result of my conservative youth? I don't know.

In my job, I work with a lot of "curious" little old ladies as well as parents who ask all the time (to all the non-mothers, not just me). "Do you want children?" This week alone, it's probably come up 10 times (and it's Tuesday). You can only give pat answers ("maybe" "someday""I don't know") for so long, before you start to ponder the question a little more in depth.

and Bethanie, old gal (we're the same age), you can use "rocks' anytime you please :)