Vegan making flatting life difficult

[stephserenity]

:help:
OK I am an omnivore, I was vegetarina but am not longer for a few reasons but anyway.

My girlfriend is a strict vegan and I respect thher choice, though I would never be one myself.
However she makes it clear that she does not respect me being a meat eater again and is making my life very difficult, attacking me verbally when I eat meat (sorry I know this is probably very gross to all you and I apologise no disrespect indended).
She also smokes (outside) but annoys me with the offensuve cigarette smell that lingers constantly....

To make things worse, we are in a flatting situation with two others.
It was made clear when the guys moved in that we are vegtarian, meat is ok to be eaten and cooked here but with discretion, ie cleaning up straight after, no frying if it stinks the house out, wrapping meat up in fridge etc.

One of our flatmates continues to use my gf's plan despite her asking him not too, and also leaves his meaty dishes out at times, and reclentyl fried up a huge steak and the house reeked, upsetting my gf very much.
She couldn't leave the bedroom all night and even the next day.

She is bringing it all down on me and won't have him up about it bigtime.It's getting me down and I want to make a compromise to respect everyones ways of living.
She says a potato and gravy pottle in the fridge from kfc is out of line, (i would neva leave chicken in ther no way), but she leaves her tobacco on the table.
I personally think a potato and gravy thing is fine, she doesnt have to support the nasty kfc, but each to thier own, if i want to be so stupid I can.

I think shes being unreasaonable and feels she wants us all to be vege
but I want to help her too.
PS she drinks beer which is not vegan.

Any advice?
Where to draw the line?
THANK YOU!

[kpickell]

:dizzy: It's too early for so much drama..! :p

Umm, sit down and talk about it, come to an agreement. I'm not taking sides without even knowing all sides.

[beforewisdom]

It is wrong, but I guess it is human nature, but I don't think this is the best forum to come to for sympathy. Telling us you were a vegetarian and have no intention of giving up meat doesn't help. Again, it is that human nature thing.

You know that truism about romatic relationships that you can't change a person too much so you should get into the relationship for who they are?

Well, it works the same with roomates.

If talking to your roomate doesn't work, it is not going to work.

Your choices are to move out, or to stay there making your life more tense then it has to be.

Having had plenty of roomates my advice is to move out, even if it hurts fiancially.

[stephserenity]

Oh ok so because I am not vegan and don't want to be you guys aren't interested in helping?
I thought it was good of me to respect my gf, who actually refuses to accept that i am an omni.
That puts me off I thought not all vegans were one sided.

thank you kpickell.
It is IMPOSSIBLE to talk to her and make an agreement wihtout her going mental about us being omnis.
Are all vegans like this?

[stephserenity]

"but I don't think this is the best forum to come to for sympathy."
I wasn't coming for sympathy I was tryn to find help for my gf too and thought fellow vegans might have a better insight into how she feels.
I thought that you guys might have been in the sameboat once and had advice for her and the evil meat eaters to make it work.
Do we really have to segregate ourselves based on something we eat?

[kpickell]

When I had an omni (non-veg) roommate, I didn't care what he cooked, what he cooked with, or what he kept in the fridge. Some vegans are bothered by the smell of meat, some vegans aren't. It sounds like your girlfriend is bothered by the smell and sight of meat, and it's becoming too much for her to bear. She'll likely have to move out of that situation or learn to adapt. I think it's unreasonable to share an apartment with non-vegetarians and not expect them to keep any meat in the refridgerator. Perhaps she could have one shelf that's her own, and the rest of you can have the rest of the fridge? If it's impossible to talk to her, then that's going to make for some rough waters in the future of your relationship.

[RedWingsFan]

I'm sure others will give me a hard time about my post, but I'll live...

I think she is being unreasonable, it sounds to me as though everything is about what she wants and what makes her comfortable. She needs to be more accepting of the fact that she lives in a house with meat eaters (by choice) and that she lives in a world of meat eaters. She needs to stop trying to be so controlling and inconsiderate of those around her.

She probably does want you to all be vegetarian... especially if she has only been a vegetarian for a couple of years. In my experience in the first year or two of someone being a vegetarian they are very self righteous and feel they are on a mission to change the world. If they last themselves as vegetarians longer than that they often start to be more accepting of what others eat and stop judging them so much.

She also should not be being rude to you when you eat meat, that's out of line. She wants you guys to respect her vegetarianism but at the same time she sounds to me like she doesn't respect your dietary choices. The respect needs to go both ways. Stop babying her, it's not all about her... if she can't come to reasonable compromises that you are all comfortable with then she is being very selfish.

[stephserenity]

Thank you very much for your objective replies.
I respect her veganism but she does not respect my choices.
I am educated inwhat goes on in the meat industry and hope to be vege again one day but right now I am not ready - I know I suck for that :(

I think she needs to move out as she is very stubborn.

It's a shame, i'm sure we could live in harmony, but i feel she doesn't really want to make it work, she hates meat eaters.

But she stays here...

[stephserenity]

redwingsfan you are a very intelligent and objective person.
respect to you.

[Kiz]

I dunno... if she lives with meat-eaters she's really going to have to put up with meat in the fridge. The pan thing would annoy me.. that's rude, doesn't matter if it's a meat issue or not, if she doesn't want her flatmates using her stuff then they flat out shouldn't.

Personally, these things do bother me. I live by myself at the moment and have no intentions of living with meat eaters again. If I have to share again, it would be with other veg*ns. Yes, and this goes for de-facto relationships too.

[Kiz]

Why someone would want to be in a significant relationship with a meat-eater if they "hate" meat-eaters is beyond me. Why someone would stay with someone who "hates" them is beyond me too. I think you both need to look hard at your relationship.

[stephserenity]

yes that is totally true.
im gona move out when i can.
I agree about the pans too, flatties shudn't ignore her requests, plain disrespectful.
She also needs to accept that meat eaters live here and stop attacking me.
Thank you for your advice once again.

[kpickell]

Hey, so if you don't mind me asking, why are you no longer a vegetarian? I only ask because we have a thread going on right now in the Compost Heap that is pondering reasons why people stop being vegetarians.

[beforewisdom]

Oh ok so because I am not vegan and don't want to be you guys aren't interested in helping?

It is not that simple.

First, I did offer you honest advice.

Second, you have to realize that many people are vegans out of strong and passionate convictions.

You will understand where I am coming from if you ask yourself how you would react if you read:

" Hi, I am having problems with a roomate who is X being unreasonable. I used to be X, but have no intention of ever being X."

For "X", in your mind substitute whatever belief or passion you hold strongly .

If it rubs you the wrong way then you have met me in a place of mutual understanding.

No offense.

[beforewisdom]

"but I don't think this is the best forum to come to for sympathy."
I wasn't coming for sympathy I was tryn to find help for my gf too and thought fellow vegans might have a better insight into how she feels.
I thought that you guys might have been in the sameboat once and had advice for her and the evil meat eaters to make it work.
Do we really have to segregate ourselves based on something we eat?

1. People segregate themselves on smoking habits.

2. For many vegan's it is about more then diet, it is about strongly held beliefs.

3. If your roomate was a born again christian would you subscribe to a
a christian forum, ask you question with a phrase like " had advice for her
and the evil non-believers to make it work"

Coming to this forum you have to respect that people take veganism seriously and an outsider using such terms, even in jest, does not go over well.

Personally, I think your roomate is being immature. If she has come to feel that strongly about things she should move out. If she does not, you should.

I don't see a resolution.

Steve

[salamander]

She sounds unreasonable to me. She should either live with just her understanding partner and be understanding back (ie the tobacco thing), or she should live with all vegetarians. If she sounded more willing to compromise I'd react differently but she sounds way too up-tight.

Having things you resent eachother for is bad news early in the relationship btw, i'm sure you realise this.

[epski]

As a vegan, I would not allow meat in the household, even if my wife went back to eating meat. She'd have to get it when we dine out. I don't want it around. I don't want to look at it, and I don't want to smell it. I'm in a marriage, though.

You have a roommate situation. That's a temporary situation by nature, and therefore no one can be forced to do anything they don't want to do. If all parties can not sit down and come to an agreement on ground rules (post 'em on the fridge or something) that everyone can live with and stick to, some people are going to have to decide who stays and who goes.

I've seen roommates separate for many, many less important reasons, and if you don't think this is an important reason, then that's a problem, too. The fact that you're here at all for insight leads me to believe that you do think it's important, though, so confront it now and deal with it maturely involving all parties. If she can't accept that, then she's got issues and will probably be better off in another situation where she doesn't have to be as flexible.

Good luck to everyone in this situation.

[stephserenity]

thank you your all being objective, thanks.
I would just like to point out to beforewisdom I do respect that people take veganism seriously, so sorry if it didnt' seem like that.
I was also being honest in saying that I am not vegan and won't be for my own reasons, but this does not mean any disrespect whatsoever tp vegans, I think vegans are strong and compassionate people who I look up to.

That is why I am trying to work my flat out, my gf needs to be taken serisouly.

The advice has helped.
I am going to sit down with the gf and the troublemaking flatmate and make him take her seriously and make him buy her new pots and pans.

What should I say the next time he goes on about his steak to her?
He's an otherwise ideal flatmate.

actually just asked her to talk about it now and she is "too tired"

Anyway, it is good to have views from vegans thanks

---spirulina: natures richest food ----

[stephserenity]

I also really need to change the title of my thread does anyone know how?

It's worded badly

[stephserenity]

kpickel, I will try find that thread.

My reaons being I craved meat again like nothgni else, and lame as it douns, convenience as there is no wholesome vege food like what I know there can be at my tech or near my work :(
I don't have the time to cook much
I am aware that meat is bad for me, and makes me put on weight so i'd actually prefer to be vege... but I can't stop the cravings or find takeaway vege food near me (frustrating)

[froggythefrog]

It sounds like between you and your gf, mutual respect needs to be learned. If she really can't accept you being an omni, she needs to bring it out in the open with you so that you guys can come to some kind of resolution. The same goes for the situation with her smoking. You've chosen to be with her, but she smokes. You either must accept that she smokes or move on. It sounds like you and her have talked some about how to handle things, but perhaps you need to talk again to renew your agreements and stick to them. Once you guys have strengthened your bond, it's time to move on to the roomate who leaves his stanky meat grease and smell everywhere. You and your girlfriend need to be a team with this one. This guy really may just be absent minded and sloppy, or maybe he has some hostitlity. You guys need to sit down and have a calm talk with him if that's possible.

An answer to another question:
No, not all vegans are this way, but within any group you're going to find members who won't accept those outside of the group: take a look at religions. There's some guy in the wine of the month club who thinks people that don't drink wine are just evil. I promise you.

Another issue:

Some beers are vegan! Really! But are you getting on her case about this? Or using it as a defense? "Why are you criticizing me? You drink beer and that's not vegan. You're not even a 'real vegan'." Be careful! She sounds critical towards you and that's bad enough. Criticism most likely will not change the other person's habits but it will change how close you feel to each other. Avoid it.

If you really need to help her strive towards "vegan perfection", then be sure that anything you do is supportive. Be careful about saying things in ways that will make her feel bad about herself. I have a feeling that she feels like she has no support -- or is even surrounded by enemies. As your gf, you both need to be on the same side. BTW.... she already knows you think smoking is bad.

Hopefully you'll be able to get enough middleground to work things out. Let us know how it goes!

[froggythefrog]

I am educated inwhat goes on in the meat industry and hope to be vege again one day but right now I am not ready - I know I suck for that

Whatever. You're exercising freedom of choice, and it does not matter what we think about you.

Of course, even I would like you to be vegetarian. ;) :D

[stephserenity]

thanks, I will let you know how it goes, just gota get us all to talk, get the idea through to the flatmate :sign:

[V3gan]

sounds like you gotta have a sit down with her not us . those are issues that "have" to be talked about in a sensible manner.

[FafaFrappy]

If you want your thread title changed still, PM me and let me know what you want it changed to. :)