Eat to Live V: Support Thread for Eating Disorder Recovery

[veganprincess]

i posted sth, and realised my session had timed out, and now i have to retype everything. argh!!
it's gonna be really quick, cos i'm actually taking time off work to reply :p (posting is better than working!)

Azalea, ND, FB, Click, Brownie, Dosh, Angel, Monkey, JP: :hi: :hug: and yes, i did read all your posts. i just can't reply individually now, but the rest have given great advice, so mine isn't really needed. hope i didn't forget anyone. sorry if i did. you're all in my thoughts. pls take care.

Krista: ditto what Aza said. u're not invisible :hug:

i'm doing ok. been taking my meds like i'm supposed to, but i forgot them (unintentionally) this morning. hope it'll be ok. being on meds has made me worry and feel guilty and feel i'm fat less often (ie not almost every waking moment), and to a somewhat lesser degree. i've put on a little weight, which i'm NOT excited about, but i know i have to.

[AngelOfDance]

I've typed this up a bunch of times, but I realy don't know what I want to say...

first of all, thanks to all of you for responding to me.

Second of all, I know exactly who I'd be disappointing and why. I promised my parents I wouldn't drop any classes the first semester, even if I hated them. I tried out for the dance concert and got in, which was promising everyone involved there that I would participate. When it comes to the concert, it would mess things up choreographically to have me drop out now. That would make unnecessary work for my teacher and all that...

And don't I think they'll understand? no, I don't. I'm making excuses for myself. An eating disorder isn't a tangible thing, like cancer. You can't beat cancer by working hard. You can an ED. I'm making excuses for myself to not get better, and that's purely my own fault.

There's also a part of me that thinks they'd laugh at me. That thinks I could go and say, "I'm sick and this is making me sicker." and they'd say, "honey, you're not sick. You're just stupid and making excuses"

I once had a friend who was finally diagnosed with depression, after trying for ages to get that diagnosis. I don't doubt that she was depressed, but after she got her diagnosis, she used it all over the place as an excuse. She did badly on a test because she was depressed. She missed rehearsal, but you couldn't blame her because she was suicidal and hadn't been feeling up to coming that day. If she got yelled at, she would tell the school counselor that she was suicidal, etc. Everyone got annoyed and talked about her. Nobody wanted to be around her. I think of that every time I'm tempted to use my eating disorder to get special treatment.

I don't know. I'm counting the weeks, and I really can survive it. I will talk to my dance teacher and explain to her why I'm not coming back next semester, though.

positive: I made a really cool bracelet. it's seriously cool.

[AngelOfDance]

just wanted to add...

I did eat better this weekend. In a desperate attempt to make myself feel less sick, I had... well, more food than usual.

And yeah, I did immediately feel less weak and tired. I thought I had pulled myself out of that one...

but then, of course, today I feel lousy and sicker than before (sick enough that I didn't go to class and slept pretty much all day) so I suspect that eating well probably wouldn't do much to stop me getting sick anyway.

bleh. It's one of those awful cold throat things that you're not supposed to get as a vegan, too.

but yeah, I did eat better this weekend.

I even ate in front of someone else! I went out to lunch during a big all-day theatre thing on Saturday with a girl I'd just met that morning, and I ate in front of her. Then I said, "I think I'll get another soda" and she said, "you deserve that extra soda!" and... well, she was joking, but it really hit home.

yeah, so... that was pointless, but I told you all anyway.

[Linzey]

AofD - hugs. Hope you don't catch the flu I had a month ago. It was seriously nasty.

Anyway, I need some perspective. Here's what I ate today, and I can't stop feeling anxious and guilty about it. Part of it is irritable bowel, and the fact that my belly always bloats after I eat, and then, I have an ulcer, that makes digestion painful. Doesn't help with eating. But here I go...I posted this in another thread, but thought you guys could get me to see this more, I dunno, accurately.

I seriously feel like this is TONS of food. I feel like it's like 2x what most people eat, and I always, in the back of my mind, worry about developing some overeating problem after not eating much for years and years.

Anyway: QUOTE:

Feel like I ate too much today

B: 1 small banana. 1 rice cake with almond butter.
s: some baby carrots with hummus. 1 rice cake with 1 slice tofurky
l: 2 rice cakes, with tofurky on each. cup of tea. Maybe 5 grapes.
s: vegan hot cocoa
d: some spinach. 1 rice cake with tofurky. coffee - black.

End quote.

I just need to work on feeling less guilt, I think.

Ideas?

[kristadb]

1. Please don't talk about how many calories you're burning in exercise.
2. Please don't talk in detail about the number of calories you've eaten.

You don't eat enough. You're starving yourself. You know that.

[Linzey]

Sorry :( I thought we were only supposed to not mention weight. I guess I need to re-read the rules or something.

And my question, well, I was essentially asking what you guys do when you do feel really guilty...for just about anything, really. I feel guilty for not doing my homework by a certain time, not grabbing the door for someone, even if I'm in a huge rush, or well, you get the picture.

Nevermind. I'll figure it own on my own. Or not.

[rincaro]

The Rules (for review):


Eat to Live V: Support Thread for Eating Disorder Recovery

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Anyone is welcome to join in, but you have to following the rules:

1. You get hugged, regardless if you want it or not.
2. You have to be willing to learn to love yourself, even if you do not right now.
3. You have to listen to me, as Mama Bear knows best.
4. Numbers concerning weight, calories, etc are not allowed.
5. Naming-calling yourself will only be tolerated to a point. 1 positive comment is required in every post.
6. You have to be actively working on getting better.

May the day come quickly when we do not need this thread. Until then, this will always been a safe place to land.

Krista

Why actively getting better? This is meant as a recovery thread, a place to support people who recognize they have a problem and are working to fix it OUTSIDE of the internet. This is a peer group; we are not doctors or therapists. We cannot help you conquer your eating disorder all by ourselves.

I don't post a lot in here, but I read to ensure that it's running smoothly. When not around, please defer to Cissy, rainbowmoon, and azalea. If they ask you not to do something (or to do something), please follow their instructions.

[Linzey]

Edited my post from yesterday. No numbers at all now. Sorry. Will check out of this forum now, as I seem to screw everything up. Take care everyone.

-L

[kristadb]

Drama and self-pity isn't going to help you, Linzey.

When you're ready, come back.

[Linzey]

Egads. I just meant that I am screwing up with rules/ reading stuff lately. I'm not usually that impetuous. I seriously thought it was only weight #. Seriously. Oh forget it. I'm having a day from hell and I don't need more people on my case. And my ORIGINAL post was just essentially asking what you guys do to get over feeling irrational guilt. Like things you do or say to yourself to get past a rough patch.

But, and this isn't being dramatic but factual... don't bother posting anyway. I'm going away for awhile and won't be checking VB.

[Jinga]

I have two questions. I hope this is not out of place to post here.

1) Is it possible to get health insurance coverage (in the US) related to image/eating problems if you do not technically have an eating disorder ... meaning the stuff on the 'official' checklist doesn't apply?

2) Any suggestions for getting all those evil numbers out of one's head? I don't usually give in, but I constantly haunted by them.

Um ... a positive note is required, I see. My body helped me experience a wonderful brisk morning today. Gotta love it for that.

[Azalea]

Hello ETL people :)


Angel- First, how can it be that after you lost so much weight, suffered serious heart problems, got hospitalised, diagnosed with an ED, that you just went off to college and no effort was made by your family to make sure that you were taken care off and followed up also at college? I mean...they must have been aware of the seriousness of your condition, and now you seem entirely left to your own devices, with not even a counsellor or any kind of ED professionals made available to you...It made it all that more easy for you to relapse.

I just can't help feeling that they're not taking your eating disorder seriously...Which is a shame.

About the ballet. If it makes you sick, you should quit. IF you insist on continuing, then you really really need to start taking better care of yourself.

Personally...I think it's obvious that you shouldn’t continue with something that's making you sicker. So your parent might not be to happy about it. So your ballet teacher will have to find a solution to the problem about the concert. These are not major issues! Your health is, and I'm sure your teacher would understand why this is necessary if you explained it to her. Any sensible person would, after all. As for your parents, I really think they need a reality check. Their daughter suffered -and suffers- from a serious ED and they'd still insist that she continue dance classes, even though it's obviously the kind of thing that makes the problem worse? I'm sorry, but if this is how they see it, then they're seriously deluded, and you should really not pay attention to their opinion...(now do make sure that you give them the opportunity to understand the nature of this illness and the situation …Take time to explain to them ho things are!)
And also…it's not as if you're dropping out of some class because you couldn't be bothered to make an effort, or you were lazy, or bored, - this is entirely different, and they should know you as the conscientious student you are, and realise that when you do something like this, it's because it's necessary.

As for your eating…I’m not sure what to think when you say that you’ve been eating more (commendable as it is!). Because I simply fear that since your low is so very low, that your high may be low too…How long has it been since you last ate enough, Angel? Or at least 4-figure level?
It worries me that you’re sick. It’s not so long ago that you were hospitalised, I just fear that your body isn’t very strong, and that your under-eating just is too much of a strain for it to handle. What you need –right now- is a meal plan, some sort of counsellor, some kind of support, and finally (most importantly) the determination to get better…
Please talk to your parents about the ED. Try to make them understand.

Take care… :kiss:

[Azalea]

(continuing)

ND- I hope that they find that your bones are solid :yes:
Maybe your appointment with the psychiatrist will go well and you'll fin that it's helpful. You never know.

You really seem to have an admirable knack for making yourself get better, focusing on the positive and working on improving your body & food issues. I'm always amazed at that :kiss:

Linzey- I'm sorry that you've decided to leave. I just wish that you'll return....and that when you do you'll find that recovery is a better option that this ED that's messing with your mind and your health...

VP- I'm glad you gained a little weight and are ready to accept that. I found that when I was gaining weight it helped to think of it not as if my low weigh was the status quo and that I was getting further away from this point, but that that I was in some kind of negative mode, and that I was simply approaching zero...Starting point, the point where my body was supposed to be...It all depends on whether you compare yourself with some constructed, harmful ideal, or with reality....(if any of this makes sense )

Jinga- Of course you can post here! :) I can't help with no 1, since I'm a damned foreigner... :beatnik:

As for your second question; there really isn't any standard answer here...These days I don't count at all, but that's because my eating is so messy and fragmented that it'd be a logistical nightmare to try to make an estimate :p
And I obviously don't really recommend that approach...
Apart from the most obvious things, like avoiding weighting & measuring food, maybe not reading nutritional info on packages...
I think one of the things I found really refreshing when I stopped counting (aka first with pen & paper, later fitday...) was the freedom to cook as I liked, playing with ingredients, knowing that I wouldn't have to meticulously plot in all down, ingredient for ingredient, afterwards, to figure out how many calories were in the food...Otherwise....I remember when I made (cheeseless) pizza, it was such a hassle to write down every single ingredient (and I used like 10 different types of vegetables on my pizza...) to later go and use fitday to calculate the total amount of calories...

I'm sorry I don't really have any real advise here...

Feel free to continue posting here, btw!

Monkey- I hope you manage to figure out how to deal with the non-vegan friendly cafeteria. And of course, as with ND, that you fin that your bones are healthy. As for exercising -and this goes for Clickie too- I think that as long as you prove that you're eating to make up for the calorie burned, and only exercise moderately, I don't think it's a bad idea...But again, listen to your doctors...And Monkey, - if your dr says that your weight gain will be as lean body mass even if you don't exercise, I don't see any reason why you should doubt that. And maybe the safe thing here is to refrain from any exercising until you're up to a healthy weight, really...It does make weight gain a little harder, and I don't think you need that right now...

Brownie- Clickie- Thanks, sweeties :o Don't worry about me, I'm doing well. I leave my arm alone, I swear...And I'm really trying to get some order in my eating pattern, but for now, anyway, at least my total daily intake of calories is neither too low nor to high, and that's what counts, after all...

Doshkel- I'm sorry to hear that you're having mood problems... Hopefully it's just a temporary phase, and it'll pass! Kudos to you for following your meal plan anyway.

As for you others, I hope you're all doing well!

[JavaPrincess]

waaaaaa :cry: :cry:

I just neeed to vent

im going through a really hard time.

but before i forget i will start with the positive: I got on the deans list for last year and invited to join the Goldenkey society.(whatever that is.

ok back to pouting :brood:

I have been bingeing almost every day for the past few days, and its killing me. ive even thrown up twice. but none of this has been to lose weight. which is so converse to my past. its 100% just a distraction. ive gone to bed every night with an electric blanket on my stomach I feel like a total failure (although a small success for not purging as much but thats mainly because im not doing this to lose weight) I feel gross and i know im gaining weight and that just is making me feel hopeless. (since i still am kinda weight obsessed i had never let fully go of the number game) and feeling hopeless and out of control of my weight has allowed me to just say "oh what the **** its hopeless anyhow"
I just feel screwed.
and on top of all this or maybe before all this really. school and home lifeis smothering me. I have so much work that all i do is read and type. and when i get home and want to relax i get yelled at shooed away and told i cant do what i want to do. not to mention all the financial and emotional strain we live under. at school i feel like the stupid genius. I get straight As for the most part, but i cant do the simplest tasks like sort the mail properly. :sign: which given the butterfly effect leads to a chain of negative catastrophes leading to my error. this does not help my self esteem.
all this stress really feeds into my wanting to escape into the security of food.
I cant restrict because i know it will lead to me bingeing so what do i do i eat, and then i binge anyway. logical eh? :mad:

sigh :worried:

[Azalea]

Java- :hug: I'm so sorry to hear that things are messed up right now....:(

I recognise myself in that pattern where you eat because restricting makes binging more probable, and then binge anyway...I've done that so many times before. It's incredibly frustrating...because you feel "hello I'm doing everything right here- why am I still binging?!", argh...

However, no matter how tempting restriction is, it's a fallacy to think that it'll fix things...I mean, you CAN beat the overeating by keeping up eating normally when you can (it doesn’t happen automatically, but it's the only thing that makes a normal food pattern feasible...), while restricting only leads you further away from normality...and literally sets you up for binging...

Well bah...I don't know what kind of advice to offer you. Except that you should try to be a little more gentle, a little less expectant of yourself. You can't be perfect, it's ok if you're good (as in excellent, -superbrain :idea: ) at some things, like school, and less skilled at practical things...

If your family is hard to live with, and aren’t sufficiently considerate of you, then just try to keep your distance a little. Don't let them get to you...If you come home from uni and you're exhausted and know that you won't be able to handle much negativity before it all becomes too much, then just try to keep to yourself, let yourself breathe a little...And be sure to let them know that you'd like a little peace & quiet, and can't handle any unfriendly comments when you're at home, so if they just could be a little more aware of the impact it has on you...

Take care, dear :kiss:

[Formerbaboon]

I've been doing okay. I'm really depressed though, because of the things going on with Elvis. He has a bad liver, atshma, and muscle tissue bleeding. Its really taken away my apetite, but I continue to eat, because no matter how little I eat, it won't change the way Elvis is.

Positive- Elvis is on antibiotics in the hospital. There is hope.

Good job everybody.

[clickman]

I'm skipping around the rules for this, because the weight is just to show how trivial the amount lost was.

I had the doctors appointment. I lost A QUARTER OF A POUND. And then she starts bitching about how I'm "clearly not eating enough", even when I explained it was probably because I didn't eat much yesterday because my mouth was completely numb most of the afternoon and evening. Then, when they go to get my height, she goes and talks to my mom and tells her "I'm not eating", I came in halfway after I got my height taken. I immediately said I'm eating, and she's ****ing claiming I'm not. I'd have lost alot more than a quarter of a pound if I wasn't eating. She stepped way over the line, she didn't even tell me what she was going to say to her or ask me if she could talk to her. I know next Wednesday I'm going to disappear for the day, because I'm not going back there.

I'd really rather be dead right now than living.

[Formerbaboon]

Clickman- If you need to talk to somebody, my aim is elviswessley.

[veggiegirl111]

Im worried about 1 of my friends.She thinks she's fat but she is skinnier than all of my friends and she keeps wanting to throw up after she eats.We sometimes have to follow her to the bathroom to make sure she doesn't.I dont want her to get hurt but i don't know what to do.Please post any advice you have.
thanx

[Jinga]

Im worried about 1 of my friends.She thinks she's fat but she is skinnier than all of my friends and she keeps wanting to throw up after she eats.We sometimes have to follow her to the bathroom to make sure she doesn't.I dont want her to get hurt but i don't know what to do.Please post any advice you have.
thanx

How old is she? It sounds like you may need to get some other adults involved, especially her parents. If she's throwing up and trying to lose weight she doesn't need to lose, she is sick and needs help.

[veganprincess]

JP and Click: :hug: :hug:

Aza: Thanks for the advice dear :) i do see your point on thinking of weight gain as going back to the 'starting point'. i'm not sure i'll actually think of it that way, cos weight gain is scary, but i'll try.

my mood took a little bit of a dip last night. i just felt low, and really drained. actually, i was already really tired before that, though i'm not sure why. i've missed 3 days of exercise classes, which i'm not too happy about, and i have not been keeping late nights. but i just felt sooooo tired. and down.
i feel better today, but not like, happy. anyways.
i was a bit worried the other night because my knees did not feel as bony as i thought they usually felt, and i was not very pleased. i know that sounds silly, but....whatever. i still find that being able to feel some bones on me is reassuring. that's sick, right? i know.....but i can't help thinking that way.

i need to ask you guys something. what is your view on growing up? it's been proposed to me (by my doctor) that anorexia masks a fear of growing up, hence trying to achieve and maintain a barbie doll image. what do you guys think?
this is gonna sound really stupid and selfish, but i'm gonna say it. it struck me yesterday that sometimes, i do think that i'm really just a little kid, and i should be looked after, given advice, pampered, etc (until i realise my real age of course). then there are times when i think that i'm an adult (which i am, technically) and should be treated as such - i should not be told what to do, i should not have to answer to anyone but myself, i make my own decisions, etc.
i don't know why i go back and forth between these two mindsets, but maybe it's the fear of growing up. i don't know.

[veganprincess]

positive: i'm gonna see alicia keys in concert tomorrow !

[AngelOfDance]

Java: I totally know that feeling. you feel great because you aced a calculus test, and then you go to the grocery store and can't add worth crap. I'm sorry you're feeling crappy and I hope you feel better soon. When it comes to binging, perhaps you could stop in the middle and tell yourself that you can have more tomorrow... you know what I mean? Every time I binge, it's partly because I feel like I'd better eat everything I want to eat now because tomorrow I don't know if I'll be able to.

clickman: do your parents see you eat? Do they know that the "he's not eating" statement came from such a little loss? They'd probably think it's as ridiculous as you do, especially since you had your mouth all numb and stuff.

formerb: I'm glad Elvis is doing better, it's such a relief. You need your strength to be able to take good care of him!

veggiegirl: Just be there for her. Let her know that you know something is wrong and are willing to listen and just... be there. I hate to tell you to get adults involved, because that never worked out well for me, but it might be best. Let her know she's loved for now. Recommend to her that she see a counselor, but don't take it on yourself to "cure" her. If your school counselor is good, you could mention it to him/her. If they suck, then leave them out of it and talk to another trusted adult (and possibly mention to them that the school counselor sucks so that they don't make the obvious move and just pass the poor girl off to the counsellor) Good luck!

Azalea: I'm glad you're doing well, that's always encouraging to me because it reminds me that it IS possible to really get better.

[AngelOfDance]

veganprincess: I definitely have a fear of growing up. I don't know how much EDs have to do with it, but I want to stay a kid forever. I think at this point, though, that's pretty standard with what should be happening- I've always been the youngest in my class but the oldest in my family. I'm often the youngest in clubs and such, and I almost always have friends older than myself, which puts me in a confusing place between being treated as the baby by most social circles and being the responsible oldest sister. I can't tell you how many people here have squealed at me, "you're only seventeen? oh that's so cute!" And my age, too, is a big factor. I'll be eighteen in just days. I'll be a legal adult. I've just started college and so the whole idea of actually growing up is starting to become a reality.
I do get how EDs kind of fit in- Like feeling the need to be taken care of, and so becoming weak and helpless... I do get a sort of satisfaction out of knowing that I'm smaller than my twelve-year-old sister now, and I do kind of like being mistaken for a thirteen year old by strangers...

that was really long-winded, but you got me thinking...

[AngelOfDance]

As for me, I'll admit it- One fo the main reasons I'm not giving up on dance yet is that I really don't want to. I've been working for almost thirteen years at ballet. It's a huge part of me, and it's a big step for me to even seriously plan on taking it out of my life. And I do plan on it. I'm kind of easing myself out, though. I like to know exactly how much longer I can dance before the end. I know you're all trying to help and it seems perfectly logical to you for me to just end it right now, but for me it makes much more sense to stick to my original plan. The semester will be over soon enough.

Anyway, I'm feeling lots better and less sick now. I went to rehearsal tonight and everyone told me how much better I looked. For some reason I was really flattered. Usually when someone tells me I look healthier, I'm a little hurt. But I guess it's different when "unhealthy" meant half-dead and actually sick than when it meant "thin" Anyway, it's not really an actual compliment (hey! you don't look like you're going to keel over and die! congratulations!) but I guess I was flattered that they noticed.

The other thing is, even though I tend to eat less when I dance, it makes me feel good... the dancing, I mean. I just finished rehearsal. I did dreadfully, couldn't get my hips to go to the right place, kept messing up my spacing, and kept using the wrong arms, but I feel good! I feel happy and like I could laugh at something or hold a friendly conversation with a stranger! I feel like if I wrote a poem right now it would be a silly nonsense rhyme instead of a reflection of inner turmoil. I suppose that could count as my positive for this post. I really do feel good and happy and everything right now.