Eat to Live V: Support Thread for Eating Disorder Recovery

[kristadb]

Anni - you look a lot better in the wedding photo. I know you said you didn't want to gain anymore, but we both know you could use a bit more padding :) Still, very good job! I bet you feel good about yourself, knowing that you fought so hard!

[clickman]

Ooook.

Apparently I'm suppoused to relapse.

Basically when you take away all the pretty wording my doctor didn't like the fact that I wasn't relapsing and that I was doing well and my weight was stable this week. I stopped seeing the therapist like two weeks ago on a regular basis, now it's just sorta "call if you need to see me" type thing. My doctors mad because I don't fall into this neat, clean-cut model they have apparently.

I was thinking of telling her to "F-ck off and die", and walk out. Buuut, then I'd probably be diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder, because my doctor is a prick.

[veganprincess]

my doctor didn't like the fact that I wasn't relapsing and that I was doing well and my weight was stable this week.

What?! your doctor should be proud of you! are you sure that was what he meant?

[clickman]

What?! your doctor should be proud of you! are you sure that was what he meant?

Yes, she made it pretty clear what she was trying to say. It's the most asinine thing I've ever heard.

[Cissy]

That sounds really weird.

[veganprincess]

click: yeah, like cissy said, it's really weird. maybe you should consider switching therapists...?

[rainbowmoon]

clickman- hugs, hugs. :hug: Thats pretty wierd though, honestly. I would strongly reconsider seeing her.

brownie- Not good, buddy. You know the drill; you've got to start managing stress so that you can be successful with managing your eating. It happens though, no beating yourself up! I hope you're feeling less stressed.

[clickman]

click: yeah, like cissy said, it's really weird. maybe you should consider switching therapists...?

It actually wasn't my therapist, it was my PCP. My therapist decided I was doing well enough that I didn't need regular appointments. (Just said to call if I need to see her) That's what makes it even stranger.

[annabanana]

Don't listen to that non-relapse-dissapointment...I mean, what are you supposed to do, try and relapse?! No way. I like clickman alive, thank you very much. Keep doing what you're doing and find someone different to go to :)

[monkey086]

GGRRRRRRR...I just had my whole post typed up and I hit a wrong button and lost it! Here it goes again:

So today, or yesterday technically, was my second appointment at the nutrition clinic here at college. I managed to maintain my weight this time (which I'm really relieved about), but know that I really have to work hard and eating some more to gain a little bit of weight. My weight is really close to to my lowest weight ever and it really scares me. I just want everything to be all better and be done with this damn disorder. After initially coming to college a lost a little bit of weight because of the huge transition to college as well as stopping counting calories and measuring servings cold turkey. Being vegan also makes it much harder to find foods with enough calories in the dining hall to allow me to gain weight. I know...no excuse! I do have foods in my room, but it's still not like cooking a full meal at home.

I really miss my Dr. at home too (even though she would probably kill me now). I'm not warming up to the new clinic all that well. Had my first session with the medical doctor today and he wanted to put me on a mood stabilizer and I said no. I'm not big on medicines at all and I wasn't about to let this guy put me on another after a single sesion. I don't think he was too happy about my decision though. They also want me to see one of the therapists on campus. I had stopped seeing the one I was seeing at home a month or so before college because it wasn't helping anymore. I'm really sick of therapists, but I don't want them to think that I'm being non-compliant because I have no desire to get better, because I definately do. I'll end up giving a therapist a chance, but who know...

AAHHH...I'm just so stressed out and really don't even want to go back there. I'd rather monitor my weight at the health center on campus and deal with this myself. Haha...like my parents would go for that (one more month until I'm 18)! Well, sorry my post is so long, but it really helps to get things off your chest once in a while!

POSITIVE: I set up my 60 hours of required community service at the hospital nearby today! I hope I enjoy it!

[JavaPrincess]

Im doing well, well sort of, and well thats the problem. Im finishing up in treatment in less then a week. I eat 3 meals a day and 2-3 snacks. but im going insane.
I had a really bad week last week and ended up dropping a class because of it. I even b/p once and just binged and kept it twice. I realized after that and a week and screaming crying and throwing things that i needed to lower my stress level. but i cant go through life avoiding things. dropping courses, taking more meds to escape, eating/not eating. its not working for me anymore it depreses me and then makes me more stressed. but i just dont know what else to do, how else to cope.

Its like i need to go back to infancy and learn these things all over again, how to turn to friends, or how to turn to myself even in a time of stress to draw on my strengths to get out of the situation. part of my problem is i go into this phase where i dont believe i have any strengths when i get stressed and overwhelmed. this is where im at now. feeling pretty helpless hopeless and stupid particularly in school. and im terrified that im going to crack and relapse. because my eating disorder, the control of food intake was something i felt pretty well in control of in an out of control situation ( although the bulimia added elements of chaos) sigh.

well thats my rant. i will now read how you guys are doing. sorry i havent been about, ive been in this overwhelmed world for a little while.

[Azalea]

Ok, there's been so much written since last time I posted so please forgive me if I don't address you all this time...

First, to someone who hasn't even posted- Angel. If you're reading this, please come and tell us how you're doing (and no, that's not meant as an imperative...). I'm worried about you, and it's been a while since you last posted. I'm just scared that you're eating way too little now that you're left to your own devices...Considering that you ate nothing for days when you first started college (I think of ** calories as nothing, yes), and that this is your low point, I fear that even if you're making an effort to eat more I fear that more compared to that is still way too little. Please prove me wrong and tell me you're way over the **** point. :sweat:

Linzey. Ok. Listen up. You're seriously abusing your body here. I mean...eating [forgive me, there'll be numbers. But I assume everybody's seen them before...] 1200 and burning off 1200, now where's the energy you're supposed to live on?! Something really needs to be done here...You really shouldn't go on living like that. And even if you were eating 1200 and lying in bed all day it'd still be too low. You know that...I mean, you, as most people with EDs, have a pretty good grasp on nutrition. Now please try to apply a little of that knowledge on yourself...

Last time I posted I said, tentatively (and pardon me quoting myself like this... :o pff):



Linzey- I know that being in control of your own recovery is really important for you, and so is being in control of what you eat. You've said before that when you're being supervised you just react by eating less, because you can't stand it. And that your natural weight is low and that you've reached a compromise with your dr where you don't go under a certain point.

But please...One thing is what compromises your mind allows you to make, -your body, on the other hand, might not be as willing to compromise in the long run...Meaning that staying underweight (I know your ideal weight is low, but still...you eat very little so I assume that that's the principal reason why it's so low) and keeping eating so little (especially when you exercise) just isn't healthy. I don't want to come off as too negative here, because I understand that even this calorie amount is something of a challenge to you, -and I do want to give you kudos for actually making yourself eat more than you're used to. But I'm just worried that it's not enough...


But this time, I'm sorry, but I can't be that hesitant about it. You're beating yourself up about eating too much when you're practically starving yourself...God, you're a smart girl, you've got so much going for you, please try to start directing all that willpower and energy of yours on some project worth striving towards. I hate to see you abuse yourself (yes, also verbally) like this.

Java- I'm sorry that things are stressful for you right now. I know so well what you mean about resorting to food restriction to feel in control again. A few months ago I did just that for a few days, and I just felt so calm again. Like I was back to where I was supposed to be and all this time in-between, the healthy eating, had just been a detour. Of course it was also awful, not being able to sleep for hunger in the evening and all that, but I felt that I had a goal again...Well it (obviously) didn't last very long and I realize that it's just another blind road, an illusion. We tell ourselves that this, the restriction, is what makes us be in control, when in fact it's a detour and an evasion. Like creating a problem -a well-know, familiar problem- that we know how to manage, and that takes a lot of time to manage, in order to not deal with all those other things we should direct our energy toward.

But yah...actually I think most of us are aware of that, but that doesn't mean that the temptation to succumb to this distorted reality isn't there. I guess we know it's an illusion, but it's the illusion we want.

I just sincerely hope that you manage to find some alternative ways to deal with negative feelings and stressful situations than the ED or meds :hug:

Monkey- I'm glad to hear you maintaining :) Hopefully the new therapist you'll go see is a good one. To me it seems that if you're able to monitor your weight (and gain what you need to gain) on your own, with regular check-ups at the health centre, then I don't see why that couldn’t be an option. And of course that if you'd find that you needed to talk to someone, that you go immediately to see a therapist. ...I mean, I can understand why they'd be sceptical if you've tried this kind of thing before, and it didn't work, but otherwise it seems to me to be a good option...
Why are your parents opposed to this, btw?

VP, Dosh, Brownie, Anna, April, Cissy, Virtue, Clickie, RBM, ND, FB, Toadstool, Annika :hi:

And also, Krista! (who's felt the need to resort to a crying smilie earlier because of me perpetually ignoring her...) Hey you! How are you doing, o great creator?

As for me. meh. Practically every day that I don't leave early in the morning (most days classes don't start until 4 pm), I end up eating too much for breakfast (meaning breakfast + snack + snack + snack etc), and then just having a light snack at the university for lunch and finally a late dinner when I come home (and often the dreaded nigh time eating afterwards, ugh). And when I say I snack after breakfast it's not really the term...I often just hang around in the kitchen eating various types of junk until I'm too full (I'm actually not hungry for lunch...I don't go hungry, it's just that my morning eating is so substantial that my appetite vanishes for hours afterwards). Oh, and I'm also trying to convince myself that using a pencil-sharpener blade on my left arm isn't really a great way to deal with post-binge feelings :sweat: It's crazy...I've been in a very good mood lately -despite my wacky eating- and yet I sometimes end up doing this, and it just feels like such a completely unnecessary reaction. It's freaky.

Right now I'm feeling ugh, because *after* breakfast I ate a lot of this rich chocolate cream stuff (vegan, mind you) and bits of cinnamon buns and a lot of PB and raisins...

As for positives: I'm getting new glasses today! My old ones are broken, and I'm going to see the optician today.

-Six Feet Under is on tv tonight.

-I'm looking forward to my philosophy seminar today (=ex. Phil, =obligatory preliminary course, failed it two years ago, taking it again this semester)

Finally, I just want to echo Anna's sentiments on the subject of Clickman:


...what are you supposed to do, try and relapse?! No way. I like clickman alive, thank you very much

esit: corrected some confusing typos/mistakes...

[Formerbaboon]

Hey Everybody.

Last night was a bad night. My dad brought up the hospital again. It all started when we were talking about me losing all of my school credits. He was saying stuff like "You cost me 10,000 dollars; since you decided to be anorexic; why did you have to pull a stupid stunt like that, for attention?" Ugh, I was so embarassed, because he was saying it in front of my sister. Why do people have to dwell on the past so much? It makes no sense. We are supposed to strive to make the future better, not try and reconcile the past, you know what i'm sayin?

Positive- Still eating **** calories a day.

[kristadb]

And also, Krista! (who's felt the need to resort to a crying smilie earlier because of me perpetually ignoring her...) Hey you! How are you doing, o great creator?


Awwwwww She still loves me :bow:

I am doing great, good, ok, and miserable, depending on what day it is and how the planets are aligned. I'm going on vacation to the mountains in less then 2 weeks, so I'm an emotional mess (as I always am before vacation).

I weighed myself a couple days ago, shrugged my shoulders and said, "I think it's lying." And walked off. And thought nothing more about it. I now use my weight scales as a means of entertainment. Hmmm...how much weight do I lose after peeing? How much weight will I "gain" after drinking a jug of water? It's cheap entertainment :naughty:

I remember how so many of you were two years ago. It's truely amazing to see the growth and recovery that has happened; seeing the older members helping along the younger ones. :yes: I don't really have much left to offer here, which sometimes makes me sad - but only because I miss talking and helping all of you. So many of you no longer need my help, which is a good thing, but it did help me feel useful. Now I'm at the point if my "job has been done" and I'm not needed on vb anymore.

[clickman]

Monkey086 - Have you tried talking to your school about making the cafeteria more vegan-friendly? There might be a vegetarian society or something nearby that could help. I have a similar therapist situation, they want me to see one, but I don't like the whole idea, and so far I've been able to hold them off. Do what you think will help you the most. I think seeing someone a few times might be good, so at least they know you when/if you need help in the future.

JP - I'm not sure if money is an issue with staying in treatment or not, but, maybe it'd help to stay in for a little while longer until things calm down. :hug:

Azalea - If it's at all possible, I'd suggest getting the blad out of easy reach. Having it somewhere else takes away part of the instant gratification, since now you have to go and get up and find it, and it's not just there. I really can't say anything to help with the eating --- I have similar problems too somedays. :hug:

FB - Blow 'em off. Don't let him drag you down!

Krista - Nice one with the scale!



As for me... I really can't change doctors. I'm not in control of that stuff :( I keep debating if I should start exercising moderately again or not. It's hard to fit into my schedule, but I think if I try to get it in I can do it... I've been keeping myself fairly busy so I don't have time to dwell on alot of things. Good? Bad? I don't know.

[AngelOfDance]

I haven't posted for a while because I still haven't been doing well and I don't like coming in here and being all, "well I'm supposed to be recovering but whinewhinewhine I suck at it."

I am trying, though. I hate the dining hall with a passion. The times it's open are terrible for me, and it's one of those ham-in-the-green-beans places. Even if it weren't, I hate loading up my plate in front of people and I always feel like everyone's watching and judging.

I'm getting sick right now and I feel really really crappy. I know it's from not eating enough. I'm trying desperately to convince myself to go get some food. I'm thinking of going to an actual restaurantish place. It'll be a little expensive, but I'm a lot more comfortable eating in a public place where there's less chance of someone noticing me. That's weird, I know.

Right now I'm trying to gather the strength to get up and walk to such a place and also trying to convince myself that eating just one sandwich isn't going to ruin everything or make me fat or weak or anything.

Last time I went outside of my little "safe zone" I felt awful. I'm really trying hard to convince myself that I need this to live and that it will be for the better.

I'm also slightly freaking out because my birthday is next weekend, and I'm going home. I can forsee one of two things happening. Either I'll get home and completely pig out, or I'll get there and won't be able to bring myself to eat. I'm struggling with this big-time.

I'm also having a hard time with the fact that I have dance every single weekday. I've never eaten before dancing. It makes me feel sick. I've already decided I'm quitting dance completely next semester and I've already talked about that. I'm sticking with that. I've also decided that I'm changing my major from theatre to either early childhood education or child development. I think I'm doing a pretty good job making decisions that will be good for me in the long run, but none of them can really take effect just yet. I don't know what to do about that. I committed myself to the show and the class and would be letting people down if I dropped out in the middle.

so yeah. no news isn't really good news. I am trying to get back on track, though. And I am trying right now to kick my own butt out the door to go get some real actual food.

positive: I've met a couple of people here who actually talk to me :D

[clickman]

AoD: Is it at any way possible to get out of dance earlier? It sounds like that's a big problem for you. If you explain everything to them, I have a feeling they'll let you out now. They're not going to put your health below who's in there.

[JavaPrincess]

Azalea.. yup bang on exactly how i feel, the i know it aint going to get me any where (which i why i am doing my best not to succumb to the thoughts circulating in my brain) but am pulled that way anyway out of "safety" sighhh

Click- actually treatment is free here but its a time limited clinic, once you are "stable" you move on if i wanted more treatment id have to go private - then id have to pay or seek it at school ( i dont want rx at school my school 1- doesnt have ed specialists, 2- i want my illness live and healthy life seperate, thats bringing them too close together.)

AoD - Im sorry to hear your still struggling, it can be hard adapting to university especially when your bringing an ed with you. i think thats great decision making on your part about the program, but about the class, who says youll be letting people down so much, yes they will be disapointed, but what if you got say the big C, cancer and had to be hospitalized, would they make a huge fuss and feel hard done by? i dont think so. dropping the dance class now, or taking some time off now and adjusting things around for YOUR and your HEALTHS benifit might be a good idea. maybe so that you can actually make it to winter semester? :)

[NDvegan85]

:hi:

So yeah, I finally went to the doctor here and they are going to all of these tests and stuff in a little while after my insurance kicks in. I'm really nervous about it all (especially the bone scan), but one good thing is that I have been awesome about taking my vitamins lately! And I'm seeing a psychiatrist in a couple weeks... and I don't want to do that at all. But my therapist wants me to, and so I will. I just am going to talk to him and see what he has to say. I'm kind of freaking out about this even more than the lab work. I suppose that I've been doing somewhat better lately. I'm making a list everyday of one thing that I did that the ED told me not to do, one thing that I did to take care of myself, and one good thing that I did during the day. And then just random good stuff that happened during the day. It's been kind of helpful. :nigel:

Angel- I also think that you should look into dropping dance sooner. You don't have to wait; they aren't going to make you stay in it if it is hurting you. Also, just to comment on something else, when you do go out of your comfort zone, it is going to feel bad... but you have to do it anyway. And the more you do it, the more normal and less bad it will feel. You get used to saying no to the ED. It just takes practice. You can do this hon. :hug:

I hope that you all have a great Sunday, and I would write to all of you, but this is sad, I have to get some homework done before I go see a movie, so I'd better get going.

[DoshKel]

<---- Been feeling really pissed of lately. I pretty much go around mad at everything I see. I don't really know whats going on, but I feel like beating the crap out of myself and other things. Ugh. I haven't slept in a couple days and have lost interest in most of the things that I enjoy. I think its been about a week since I felt good. Sorry for the rant.

Positive - Keeping with my calorie plan.

[brownieB26]

Angel: I'm sorry you've been having such a hard time. Is there anyway you can stock your dorm room with little snacks, like low-fat granola bars or cereal? Just so you can have something to eat after dance, which I'm sure uses up a bunch of energy. You need food to keep you healthy. I think JavaPrincess is right, you could drop dancing this semester, if you think you would benefit.

Dosh: I don't know for sure, but I would say it's all the hormones and lack of sleep making you feel pissed off.

clickman: That sucks. I went through that too, to an extent. My dietician said I couldn't possibly be heathly and gain back all the weight on a vegan diet. Well, I gained back all the weight I needed (and a few pounds I didn't :sweat: ) and every single one of my tests for vitamins and minerals came back with good or excellent. Sometimes you just have to acknowledge the poeple treating you are dip****s.

Formerbaboon- I would never have talked to my dad again if he said something like that. Did you tell him that wasn't going to help you in recovering? I know I'd have told him he better shut up or I'd cost him a lot more when I relapsed from lack of support. Make it a point to tell your dad that you would prefer he didn't talk about it; that it's in the past, you're trying hard but it wasn't a choice what you went through.

ND- good job keeping up with the vitamins! you actually reminded me that I haven't taken any of mine for a few weeks now :eek: What did you need a bone scan for?? I hope you're alright, and that everything comes back with good marks.

Azalea- I know exactly what you'e talking about. I hate eating in the school cafeteria, so basically I just snack all day on food in my room, which is usually junk. Don't beat yourself up though; Just try and figure out what you can do to keep yourself occupied so you can't snack (but make sure to eat three meals:)). Is there a library you can study at during the morning? Also, put the blade down. Get rid of all sharp objects, while you're at it. You are so beautiful, don't mess yourself up so you can have something to hate. :hug:

[NDvegan85]

<---- Been feeling really pissed of lately. I pretty much go around mad at everything I see. I don't really know whats going on, but I feel like beating the crap out of myself and other things. Ugh. I haven't slept in a couple days and have lost interest in most of the things that I enjoy. I think its been about a week since I felt good. Sorry for the rant.

Positive - Keeping with my calorie plan.

I'm no expert, but those are some pretty telltale signs of depression. Lack of interest, irregular sleeping, and especially in males, the anger part. Ir you feel this way for another week, I'd see a doc.


brownie- They just want to see how my bones look, because I probably have lost a lot of bone mass from the ED. Then if they are not good, I can take some medicine to help build them back up. Take your vitamins girl! :whack:

[monkey086]

Monkey086 - Have you tried talking to your school about making the cafeteria more vegan-friendly? There might be a vegetarian society or something nearby that could help. I have a similar therapist situation, they want me to see one, but I don't like the whole idea, and so far I've been able to hold them off. Do what you think will help you the most. I think seeing someone a few times might be good, so at least they know you when/if you need help in the future.

Before even coming to the school in the fall I e-mailed the dining department and asked them about their vegan options and if they could label the items that were vegan as it can be difficult to tell if they use butter or dairy in veggies as well as other items. They have a vegetarian line, but that doesn't really help because that can contain dairy and egg. They were really receptive to my e-mail and said that labeling hings as vegan was a great idea and would be in place when I arrived. The director also told me to introduce myself to the staff when I got here.
Since arriving, they do not have anything labeled. I had to stop at the health center to get a prescription refilled and she asked me how things were going and I told her how it was hard to find stuff in the cafeteria because the things weren't labeled and she said she would talk to them. After that, they started labeling stuff (at least in the global vegetarian line) for a few days and then it all stopped again. So right now I'm back at square one. I would rather just not have the mandatory meal plan and by all of my food off campus as I'm used to it and it's much cheaper. But then I would feel strange when I went there with friends and got nothing (even though right now all I normally get is fruit or raw veggies). I haven't introduced myself to the director or anything or asked them to keep labeling things...I guess I just feel like a pain in the ass. Ughhh...o well.
I'm going to give the therapist at least one shot and we'll see how it goes...I've just got to work on going into it with an open mind.

[/QUOTE]As for me... I really can't change doctors. I'm not in control of that stuff :( I keep debating if I should start exercising moderately again or not. It's hard to fit into my schedule, but I think if I try to get it in I can do it... I've been keeping myself fairly busy so I don't have time to dwell on alot of things. Good? Bad? I don't know.[/QUOTE]

I've also started to debate exercising moderately again (but when I say moderately...I'm talking very little.) I guess I just feel like in order to gain muscle weight I would have to be exercising...and all I do right now is walk from class to class. At my new dr. they have this thig that measures percentage body fat and lean body mass and she said that I really have to gain weight because my lean mass is low which can signify long term internal body damage. I asked her and she said that I woudn't need to be exercising for me to gain the weight as lean body mass, but I am very skeptical. I know the debate all to well, click!


I'm really nervous about it all (especially the bone scan), but one good thing is that I have been awesome about taking my vitamins lately!

My new doctor has also scheduled me for a bone density scan and I'm equally as nervous. I guess I've never though that my eating disorder was that bad and if my bone density comes out bad, I'm going to have to admit that it is. The doctor actually told me that the physician (they work side by side) was scared when he saw m because I was pretty sick) :( I don't know...I still think I'm in denial and believe that my test will prove everyone wrong. I hope my bones aren't really bad. What are the different thigns you can take to increase bone mass after you have lost it, NDvegan? i never knew you could reverse that.

Well...sorry for the long post! I'm gonna go and shower and study all day...my first chemistry exam is tomorrow, pray for me!!

[kristadb]

<---is invisible in her own thread :cry:

:D

[Azalea]

I remember how so many of you were two years ago. It's truely amazing to see the growth and recovery that has happened; seeing the older members helping along the younger ones. :yes: I don't really have much left to offer here, which sometimes makes me sad - but only because I miss talking and helping all of you. So many of you no longer need my help, which is a good thing, but it did help me feel useful. Now I'm at the point if my "job has been done" and I'm not needed on vb anymore.

Hey..you're not invisible, Krista. And you're certainly still needed in this thread. Nobody can be harsh quite the way you can (and I mean that in a good way :smitten:). So please...I mean, this thread wouldn't even exist if it weren't for you, and look how many people it has helped! So dry your tears, Krista, we still like you :)

As for you others, I don't have time to post anything more right now, but I'll get back to you. Oh, and thanks for the sweet replies to my previous post :kiss: