Eat to Live V: Support Thread for Eating Disorder Recovery

[atterdag]

Sigh, last night I went to a mexican restuarant and got a vegetarian taco salad, and ate as much as I could. Everyone was like "OMG I can't believe you ate that much!" and "Wow, you ate a lot, good job..." and I felt a-w-f-u-l.

I hate it when people comment about me eating. I remember when I was first trying to get over my eating disorder and finally brought some lunch to school, EVERYONE I was sitting with decided to make a big deal out of what I ate! Then another time, I was drinking some water and someone said, "Wow, you're actually consuming something!" I just want to yell at them to leave me alone!

[Azalea]

Cherry- The fact that you - at least at first- weren't being overly conscious about what you were eating is at least a sign that you are moving away from the ED. If only you could learn to hold on to that feeling a little longer, to see food as just food, and just realize that it feels go to eat, and that it isn't something you should feel remotely guilty about doing...

It's easy to start feeling terribly self-conscious if people make comments like that about what you eat...I remember getting angry with my mom once when -in the early stages of my recovery- she said that, yes, she'd noticed that I'd recently been eating more 'solid' foods for dinner...It felt strange that I should get mad at her for making such a seemingly innocuous comment...-but I simply did not want for her to even notice what I eat or didn’t eat, even less did I want her to talk about my eating habits...And it simply didn't help that they were intended to be encouraging.

But yeah...Just remember that when people say things like that, they are probably just expressing their relief (and surprise) about seeing you eating more. They have probably no idea that it's making you feel bad, have that in mind :)

And btw :up: ...vegan cookie dough, mm.

Java- I know things have been rough for you lately, and I hope that you can figure out a way to make things better for yourself. If you need help, then don't hesitate to make a call- you simply have to start somewhere, and if you've tried for a while on your own and still feel you aren't making any progress, then you know what you've got to do.

Take care, dear :kiss:

Annika- Ah...I don't know what to say :( You are beautiful the way you are, and still very thin. You've already been kept from living an ordinary life for so long- what with all the hospitalizations & doctors & ED treatments, and I just hop that that period of your life is over now and that you'll recover completely and be able to be happy with who you are...Even when things are bad, and you long for the safety of the ED and dangerous thrill of weight loss, remind yourself why you don't want to head down that path anymore...and that you have the strength to beat this.

Take care of yourself, now

Angel- It's been a while since you last posted. I hope you haven't moved further away from the idea of recovering...And that the multiple imperatives involving the word 'recovery' that where spoken here didn't have the opposite effect of what they should have...
I'm not sure of whether all those posts that tell you MUST start to recover now work as an encouragement at all- or whether they simply make you feel uncomfortably pressured (since you after all are very sceptical & scared of recovery in the first place) and make you want to ignore all this..fuss, and escape from this thread.

Either way- don't go silent again. No matter what you have to say, it's better than simply not speaking about it.
...and yea, I still worry about you.

Still, you are of course free to not post here. That goes without saying.

The rest of you are of course also welcome to post anytime you feel the need to express your emotion or simply update us on your status quo :)

As for my own status quo- there's not much new, really.
Lately my average calorie intake has been pretty high, higher than it's been since before my ED, I think...It's a bit weird, but I'm trying to tell myself it's ok and not too high...

Oh and I've gained weight, apparently. I hadn't weighted myself since April (ooh), and now I stepped on the scales again a two weeks or so ago...and it was a few kilos more than I though it would be (and that estimated weight was the reason I stopped weighting myself in the first place, because I knew I'd either continue my perpetual cycle of restriction in order to lose weight- & then habitually overeating as a result- or I could just stop checking my weight every morning and simply not know...So I chose ignorance).

But it's not too bad...I weighted myself at a time when other concerns were occupying my mind (I had some health problems...but apparently I'm quite healthy after all), and so it was easier to not freak out about it...because at the time it didn't seem to matter as much...

My positive today will be that I got the results of a blood sample back today, and apparently my iron & B-12 are just fine. Hah. I’m a healthy veg*n (---> strick vegetarian, more precisely).

Anyway. I wish you all the best, as always :smitten:

[kristadb]

^^ what she said :D

AB -- don't fret. Remember, it's going to take a while to get over it. Just take it each day. I honestly never thought I would get over it, but here I am. Alive, healthy, and sunny :sunny:

[NDvegan85]

Sigh, last night I went to a mexican restuarant and got a vegetarian taco salad, and ate as much as I could. Everyone was like "OMG I can't believe you ate that much!" and "Wow, you ate a lot, good job..." and I felt a-w-f-u-l. At first, before they said that, I was just eating like "mmm food" not even thinking about what to food actually does, and then...sigh, I don't know.

Positive-I ate a huge handfull of full fat vegan chocolate chip cookie dough.

I got comments like that too, and it's really hard to hear. But it is a good thing... eating and enjoying food. It does get easier though. Today my friends and I went to Panera and I had a fairly big lunch, because, well, I am hungry! and one of my friends commented that I didn't have any trouble eating that, not rude or anything. And I just said "Nope I didn't." It was tasty and I deserved to enjoy every bite of it. :lick:

AB- What Krista said. I thought that this thing would rule my life forever, but it's not anymore. I'm so full of energy and vitality for the first time in a long time... you will beat this. It takes time. :hug:

[JavaPrincess]

Gives everybody hugs. :angel:

Im still contemplating my phone call to the former therapist, will likely make it wednesday with my the temp guy im seeing at school for depression. I had a lowsy weekend and it reinforced that this must be done but I know that im in for a long road a head of me, I really let myself far back wait, sorry, let me rephrase that. The clinic and myself really let me fall far back. So to get to where I was in august is going to take a lot of work. Im up for it. I really am. but to be honest I am scared. Im scared that I can't pull it off a second time.

Positive. I got a position on a commitee at my school!!!!

[Formerbaboon]

I haven't wrote in here for a while. I'm doing alright. It helps me to keep my past experiences secret, because the last thing I want my friends, or my boyfriend (especially him), to know is that I have had eating disorders. I feel comfortable eating in front of folks now, because thAt is what humans do. We eat for fuel. I'm not at 2,000 calories a day yet, but I am working on it. I still count calories. It seems so...automatic. But I am proud of myself. I have come a long way.

[kristadb]

I'm glad to hear you are doing better FB!

You have come a long ways, even since you've started posting here.

[AngelOfDance]

I'm going to see someone tomorrow.

My dance teacher made an appointment for me. I didn't ask her to, but she did. And I promised I'd go.

People have been noticing. Girls in my hall, even. the ones who never talk to me (of course, they suddenly "care about" me. yeah right.) The girls in my ballet class. I've heard then talking before but ignored them because I thought it was just gossip. But apparently some of them have mentioned it to our teacher.

I don't want to go tomorrow. But I'm stupid and make promises I don't want to keep and so I'm stuck. plus it will cost me $25 if I don't show up.

I'm in a weird numb state right now where I just don't care, though. I'll go tomorrow and depending on how I feel, I'll either be good and truthful and pour my heart out and follow up and make progress... or I'll chicken out and BS my way through it and deny everything. we'll see.

positive: all but one of my exams are finished.

[gurlworld1234]

AoD -- You know what's about to come.

You need help. It's no longer optional. Tell your parents, tell your teachers, tell a minister, I don't care. You need to tell people and continue to do until they help you get the treatment you need.

Some people can recover on their own. You can't, at this point. There is no shame in that. You need help. Get help.

i agree. help would be very important for you right now. i wish you only the best. good luck!

[kristadb]

AoD - I'm proud of you. It's hard going and I remember often not wanting to go to the doctor and trying to talk myself INTO keeping my appointments. Keep it up. Just keep telling yourself that it's the best.

[AngelOfDance]

thanks guys :worried:

I'm completely freaked out about it. I just have to keep telling myself: "you don't have $25 to spare, stupid. and you PROMISED."

edit: hi gurlworld :shy: I haven't seen you around here before. welcome

[veganprincess]

AoD: please do go. you need help, and fast. :hug: :hug:

FB: way to go!!! tht's really good improvement! keep it up! :D

:hug: to everyone else too :)

as for myself, i've been eating.......yeah, but i hate it. i hate the extra weight. i hate that my clothes seem to fit differently. i think i'm fat, but strangely, i want to eat. i've been pigging out on almonds and pumpkin seeds while watching TV (couch potato!) the last few nights. they are so addictive. i feel so so bad, but somehow i just go on. i'm weird.

my recent medical test showed that my hemoglobin level is "borderline low" (i guess that means it's bordering on being low?) and the doc said that my blood pressure's ok, but low, like 90/60 if i remember right. but i searched the net, and noticed that it is still an acceptable blood pressure, nothing alarming....right?

[gurlworld1234]

i am new here. but i have been reading the boards for a while, so im pretty familar to the site anyways. :) so hi!!

trust me, the first time u walk in, you will be scared sh**less.but afterwords, it will seem worth it. because you firgure out theres something better.

good luck on your journey towards a full, happy, and recovered life. may you only have the best future!

[gurlworld1234]

this may sound incredibly weird, but one thing that helps me was making a dvd of inspiration. like when i was a young child, times when ive gone out, just singing in the bathroom strip naked, annything happy. whenever i feel negetive, it helps to turn it on, wich is why i even invested in a portable dvd player to watch my vidoe whereever, whenever im down.

its really odd, but seeing yourself happy almost makes the bad times hurt less.

[gurlworld1234]

one moment i love on there is when i was like 2. i was at one of those animal feeding places, and there they sold cracker thingys to feed, the animals. anyways, i had been eating human crackers, and a dear came up to my stroller, trying to get my cracker. anyways, it bit for it, and i bit at it to. i kept tugging at it and crying, but eventually, i won, and got my cracker. then my mom trew it out anyways. :)

[annabanana]

That's a cool idea, gurlworld :)

[AngelOfDance]

so I went to my little appointment thing.

I told the truth for the most part. Except there were a few times when she'd ask factual logical questions that I'd have to be stupid to answer the way she wanted them answered. (example: 'when you step on the scale, what are you measuring?" my brain: "fat!" my logic and the part of me that isn't stupid: "duh. bones, muscle, tissue, fluid, and fat.")

so in the end, she said, "I think you're fine. you haven't lost TOO much weight. You're welcome to come back and talk after the holidays if you want to."

[MezzoEmi]

...gah. I hate it when cries are ignored. AoD, did YOU feel you were ignored?

[AngelOfDance]

Although I wonder how she'd react if she knew how I feel right now-

I feel like a fraud- I'm not really sick at all, I'm just making a big deal out of nothing.
I feel like a liar- am I so on autopilot with knowing the "right" and "wrong" answers to counselors' questions and knowing how to BS my way out of being caught that I just do it without thinking?
I feel like a failure- I haven't lost TOO much weight... Plus today I had planned on walking to the fabric store and got picked up along the way by some classmates who INSISTED that they give me a ride. So I didn't burn nearly as many calories as I had hoped.

And then stupid me... I spent like 20 minutes in the grocery store standing there looking at a luna bar and trying to convince myself that I deserved to buy it and eat it. I finally bought it. but didn't eat it. Then I brought it back with me... and ended up eating it. And now I feel like I was totally wrong and didn't deserve it AT ALL and need to do something to make up for it but I don't know what. Maybe I need a walk.

positive: Christmas shopping: DONE. counselor's appointment: OVER. exams: FINISHED.

[veganprincess]

AoD: :hug: i am sorry to know that you are going through a difficult time. i can relate, because i've been there before.


I feel like a fraud- I'm not really sick at all, I'm just making a big deal out of nothing.
honey, you're not a fraud. EDs are serious matters, and you are not making a bid deal out of "nothing". it is not "nothing".


feel like a liar- am I so on autopilot with knowing the "right" and "wrong" answers to counselors' questions and knowing how to BS my way out of being caught that I just do it without thinking?
i think you are just scared, afraid of opening up, afraid of getting on the road to recovery. please don't hide forever, please tell your counsellor the truth. we all know you need help, you know it too. i know it's not easy - i remember i broke down crying during my first visit to my doctor. tell yourself to be brave, and that you are doing the right thing.


I haven't lost TOO much weight... Plus today I had planned on walking to the fabric store and got picked up along the way by some classmates who INSISTED that they give me a ride. So I didn't burn nearly as many calories as I had hoped.
why are you still trying to lose weight? you don't need to lose weight! just stop and take a look at what you've just said. it's not how much you weigh that is the problem here. there is an underlying issue that triggered your ED. try and identify it and address it ASAP. your counsellor can help.


And now I feel like I was totally wrong and didn't deserve it AT ALL and need to do something to make up for it but I don't know what.
of course you deserved it, because your body needs fuel. i know how it feels like you've got to somehow earn the right to eat something, and if you do it, you have to "make up" for it. but that is wrong. that is your ED talking, not you.

good to know your xmas shopping's done, and exams are over. take care :hug:

[kristadb]

AoD - screw whoever you went to, don't give up. Treat yourself to a good book on eating disorders and, when you get up the courage, find someone to talk to about this.

[gurlworld1234]

god i down know what in thr world to say right now. i opened up my moms bank statement, and in the past month, she spent like 1000 dollars at casinos. and shes always complaining to me about the money i spend. like ive been really wanting to check into an rtc and like, she says it will cost her to much(you have to cover some of it, insurance dosnt cover all) and its like, crazy. she knows as well as i do that im the worst ive ever been, and im not in school anymore, so i could really benifit from a half year/years addmission. shes so ****ing stubborn, im SICK of it. ive been paying food shopping bills this month out of my savings while she goes gambles away everything. its like, these are the kinds of things that hinder getting better. all this STRESS i get. i have to be perfect or else. i mean, how many 14 year olds do you know with high-school diplomas?---------its people like her that just get me SO mad. i mean, how does she expect me to start eating, and to stay clean if i have all this pressure from just everywhere? :help: :mad:

[Virtue23]

Ok, reading some of the other posts I realize my issues are A LOT smaller than most. So my prayers are with those who are really having a rough time right now.

Today hasn't been going so well tho. I'm noticing more of an ED mindset in me, especially now that my sister is eating a LOT less and unfortunately, its having triggering effects. Ok, so she barely ate any dinner last night and now this morning she hasn't had anything - not even water! And she probably won't eat much at lunch either since she only packed a granola bar. So then, I didn't eat much last night and then I felt lightheaded this morning so I had a few Puffins and lemonade. But my body is craving nutrients I guess, but instead of getting a banana, I went to the vending machine to get a diet soda not because I like soda (I actually can't stand it) but because 1) it has * calories and 2) it was further away and required more walking and climbing steps. Ugh - this really sucks. I mean, I'm glad because this is NOT my norm, but I do have my challenging days like today.

Anyway, I'm seeing a doctor after the holiday, but I'm a lil' scared of the scales :p . I just don't want to see how much I weigh compared to my sister. If she weighs more than me, then that might trigger her and vice versa. Ugh.
Positive: My BMI is normally low but healthy.

EDITED to follow number rules and include a positive.

[AngelOfDance]

good for you, virtue, for recognizing a problem and seeing a doctor- I know a lot of people who read WDYET have been on you for a while about it.

It's a sticky situation with your sister- I can relate somewhat in that when I see my sister do ED-ish stuff that I do (stupid stuff- like when I take her to the grocery store and she can't decide which candy bar to get and they're basically equal, she checks the calories and picks the one with less.) it makes me want to get better. But I'm in a differen situation in that my sister is five years younger than me and likes to copy everything I do just because I'm her big sister. It's different with a twin- being the same age and basically the same size. I don't really have any experience with that.

so... although I won't say I'm glad to see you in here because the fact that you're in here means that things aren't great with you, I will say welcome and I hope we can help you in every way possible.

Oh... and nobody's problems are any less important than anybody else's. Don't let anyone else's pain discourage you from expressing your own. If it makes you feel better about your own life, that's wonderful, but there's no shame in feeling rotten about a problem that doesn't seem as severe as someone else's. Hell- last night I got a ride and ate a luna bar and the way I was carrying on, you would have thought my entire family had died. I mean, what kind of drama queen wanders the halls of her dorm crying because of that? But I felt so rotten that, at that time, I almost would rather have just recieved news of my family dying than feel so fat.

[Virtue23]

AOD: :hug: My prayerful thoughts are with you. And thanks for the support

Having ED-tendecies at times sucks. And it definitely doesn't make it any easier having a twin, since the first thing ppl like to do is compare who's more this and who's more that. But we're both pretty small and we're both the same size so you'd think there should be no problem right? :grr:

Sorry had to vent.