Anxiety over Grade 2 (long and short versions)

[kristadb]

:-/

[marleah]

That sounds like a really sad situation ... I'm sorry that you are having to deal with this. I don't have much advice, but it sounds like he just learns in a very different way than other children. It also sounds like he can be immature to a certain extent (although he sounds like a GREAT kid!!), and maybe when he realizes that if he doesn't cry, kids might not pick on him. :confused:

I'm sorry, this probably doesn't help much, but it's just a few thoughts on your situation. I hope that everything gets better and that you keep us posted. Best of luck!!

[vegiemom]

I'm sure you're a wonderful person. I just have to say it totally breaks my heart to hear your bf's children stories. It's obvious that there mom has issues. Mental illness of some kind, I'm guessing. I just need to say... I hope hopehope that you do not talk about her TO THEM the way you discuss her here. She IS their mom and I'm surethey love her, as they should. I apalogize because I have not read the stepparents bored so I don't know all about your situation. But I just wanted to sayh that.

[Tame]

I'm sure you're a wonderful person. I just have to say it totally breaks my heart to hear your bf's children stories. It's obvious that there mom has issues. Mental illness of some kind, I'm guessing. I just need to say... I hope hopehope that you do not talk about her TO THEM the way you discuss her here. She IS their mom and I'm surethey love her, as they should. I apalogize because I have not read the stepparents bored so I don't know all about your situation. But I just wanted to sayh that.

Uh, how 'bout you not venture down that unrelated road in this thread? Thanks.

[rincaro]

I'm not sure what will help with this sitch. I guess just making life as consistent as possible? Routine is the thing with my boys.

[rincaro]

I don't if that would work anyhow. Unfortunately it seems like the poor boys are gonna have to learn to overcome their mother. And I wish I knew what tools to offer them that would help them do that. In J's sitch, I don't think homeschooling is the answer either. He has to learn to make it in the real world, not the world on living in your unders eating sugar from the canister that his mom has created.

[*AHIMSA*]

My heart goes out to you! Being bright and in a school that won't accomodate your style of learning can have devestating results (as you know).

I think in this situation, it would be helpful to take the same, very adult approach and conversation style that you have had with him about other topics and address him in relation to his strengths and ways of learning and how everyone is different may help him... Letting him know that you recognise he is very bright and how you appreciate his way of thinking ...and that you want to see him succeed, and you need his help... then ask him to help set up a "reward" sytem/goal chart to work towards milestones of learning together, such as for each assignment he is able to complete, having a sticker on a chart to document his progress along the way with rewards set up to celebrate each milestone.

Perhaps allowing him a certain amount of time to be frustrated and venting these feelings prior to beginning the work, maybe having a pillow that he can scream into or jump on to vent how he feels about how difficult the work is, and even joining in with him as he yells about how stupid the assignment is or whatever...

I have found that children thrive when

1) being heard and having their feelings acknowledged
2) being given a way to vent these feelings appropriately
3) being given a routine and having a sense of order in realtion to the disliked task.

This may set him up for success, rather than failure and can result in a better outlook about work!

Good Luck. I am sure you have tried speaking frankly with him about this, but trying it in this order specifically can be the difference between more frustration and a sense of control over the situation for the child. It has worked with both special needs children and exceptionally bright (but bored) children. (Both kinds of children are really "special needs", aren't they? :) )

[vheogl]

To me he sounds like a very intelligent child, just because you can't write down complex sentences or whatever doesn't make him unintelligent, although unfortunately in the eyes of the schooling system it tends to.

I had similar problems in school when i was younger, i had a lot of trouble reading and couldn't read until i was about 9, i tended to be bored by work, i remember by the time i was about 8 i would openly tell the teachers and anyone around me i was bored with the work, i've always been a very visual or hands on learner and have trouble comprehending information thats 'taught' to me. By the time i changed schools to high school at 11, i was already lost in the system and ended up skipping school a lot and refusing to do homework. By the time i was 14 i rarely attended, only going in when i could be bothered, lucky for me my parents were fine with this and anyway i learnt way more at home than i would ever have learnt at school.

Personally If i was in a position to do so ( I don't know the situation with the Mother, the work commitments of both you and your partner etc) I would pull him out of school asap and unschool him, to me he sounds like the perfect child to be unschooled. Maybe you could look up some unschooling books at your local library or something? i know there's several on Amazon, there is a particularly good one that concentrates on the unschooling of younger children which could be useful to you. I really do think if you can it is worth looking into the idea of unschooling as it would probably be less stressful to you and the child.

Although if unschooling really isn't an option, you could continue his schooling as normal but just top up at home in a fun way, a lot of children learn better when doing things hands on, maybe make him write by making him see what he's writing is worthwhile or playing games with him with lego or playmobil or similar and getting him to write down the stories he makes up?, it may encourage him to write and make it more fun
Though if the worse comes to the worse how about contacting the school and discussing the situation with them, if the schools a good one it should understand the problem and may be able to help in some way.
You could also maybe contact you local home-schooling group, people there may have some suggestions that could help.

Anyway I hope things improve and remember all children learn at different speeds, just because he isn't as advanced as the schooling system requires him to be doesn't make him unintelligent, just keep encouraging him, and continue exercising his intelligence.
:D and a :hug: because i think you really need one

[rincaro]

I am surprised at how much they expect also. And the levels the kids are at are so varied. Big J & little J can both read (they kind of taught themselves) but there's no way big J could write complex sentences on his own. Although Little J did come up with this zinger that he picked up from a road sign on Monday. "Bug Out! Bad news for bugs!"

[*AHIMSA*]

Consistency matters. If you have tried all of those things, you also must have stopped trying them. If his mother rewards him for the wrong things, at least you would have appropriate boundaries and consistency going for you if you tried something and kept it going.

It's a challenge, but given time, any child (even children with behavioural issues and mental disabilities) respond favorably to consistent, firm boundaries (which have been lacking thus far in his life with his mother). Children need firm, consistent baundaries in order to feel safe. Otherwise they believe thaey are responsable for everything and can't look to adults to handle matters. It instills trust in children that the universe is a safe place.

These are the first things we learned in school, way back when I got my early childhood education to be an early childhood and special needs teacher. These principles do work, even in the worst of circumstances. I have personally seen it happen, and have helped make it happen, even in a Domestic Violence shelter with children who have had horrific home lives, no sound nutrition (ever) and have been terribly abused and neglected. Good luck!

(and there are many rewards his mom can't give him, like quality time with you and his dad and other intangibles. I don't like the idea of giving "stuff' as the main reward...how about a family board game night as a prize or something like that? )

[*AHIMSA*]

Oh! I LOVE working with children like this! Really, I am not being sarcastic...I love being ultra-firm with the boundaries and consistency and reminding the child ,; "Well, it may be okay at mommy's house, but here this is how we do it. We love you and have set up these rules to help you suceed!" I mean it...I love the challenge tantrums and all. I get such satisfaction when I finally reach them after *all* that hard work and the irritation subsides...

You have your work cut out for you, girl. Good luck!

[Flower]

He sounds so much like my oldest, Krista. Mine has tested at the top percentage for his age in intelligence, yet he does horribly in school simply because he thinks life should be fun and no work. If he doesn't want to do it, he tries his best not to. Of course, we have the same problem as you have with their mother not helping at all. She thinks that life should be a big party & neither of my stepsons have ever seen her do much more work than make a sandwich. So, we just try to set as good examples as we can and let them know that it's important to do work.

We've taken him to counseling for this and it's helped a bit. He also has ADHD and his maturity level is a few years below where he should be, so you can imagine the problems those cause with him being so intelligent.

I really don't have much advice, though. These are tough situations and unfortunately, any change will be slow going. Keep at it, though. I think you're doing a great job. :)

[rabid_child]

Have you had him tested for different learning disabilities like Dyslexia? That can make tasks that are seemingly below his level of ability impossibly difficult and frustrating. I also knew a woman who had an absolutely brilliant son who had a problem with some sort of motor processessing. He's been improving greatly with a bit of occupational therapy. There are some learning disabilities that interrupt the pathway between the brain and the hand so while speaking and understanding you're fine, but once you have to express it in writing, your brain freaks out. Now with "ADD" being a catch phrase people grab at with any learning problem, sometimes people (parents, teachers, educators) forget that there is a whole gammet of things that could interrupt learning that is no one's fault, and are managable with the correct teaching style. If you've not yet done so (and I'm sorry if I missed you saying so in this thread), go about having him tested for learning disabilities. It isn't going to hurt, and if he has one, its going to be easier for everyone in the long run to get therapy for it now. He'd probably love it - you get to be the center of attention for a while :D

[kristadb]

I'll talk to my bf about it. Admitedly, I don't think it's a learning disorder, but who knows that being a premie may have done to him.

How does one get tested? We'd rather not through the school, as they aren't overly helpful but great at "pigeon-holing" kids.

[*AHIMSA*]

Unfortunately, that is the easiest way to get the testing, at least in the US. Once tested, if the child is eligible, they draw up an IEP which is an individualized educational plan. They have to adhere to certain standards and procedures for such children, but you are right...they "pidgeonhole" children this way too... Good luck, and the children are lucky to have you as a caregiver who obviously cares so much about them...

[kristadb]

I'll call a local tutoring centre and ask them.

[rabid_child]

You might go through a child psychologist. Ask his pediatrician if he can recommend someone to do the testing. It may very well NOT be the case, but if it is, he's just going to end up hating school and its going to get harder and harder to do anything for him. Either way, they might be able to suggest a plan of action for his hatred of the work. I've heard that hiring a non-family member (like a local high school or college student) to do homework with a high stress kid after school for an hour can be very helpful because they are less likely to get all emotionally charged with someone outside the family.

[Kamila]

You are not failing him. You need outside help. I do not want to lay guilt on you but help you find the tools you need. This is not about you it is about J. You are a gift to him.

[Christy]

Closed at OP's request.