PDA

View Full Version : friends and drugs



psala
August 13th, 2004, 09:54 AM
I'm looking for some advice, but first a little background (warning, long):

My friend is 19, about 3 years younger than me, has extremely lenient parents. They're not rich but definitely upper-middle class and he has pretty much gotten anything he wanted since the day I met him, whether it be computers, video games, cars (yes, multiple), guns, etc. He is big on hunting and guns, having a couple rifles, a 12 gauge, some kind of russian assault rifle (SKS? I forget the actual name), some handguns and probably other stuff I don't know about. They've bought him beer before and know he smokes weed. The harshest thing they've done is break his bong, which resulted in him buying a nicer, glass one.

He has pulled handguns on friends as a "joke". =/

I've known him for about 7 years, and his ambition level has gone down progressively. He first wanted to be a cop or do something with the military. After scrapping that idea because he smoked too much, he decided to get his ASE (not sure if this is what its called; its some kind of auto mechanic certification), which he would need to take some classes for I think. He's been "planning" to get into these classes for over a year now and now has some basic low level job at an auto service place. He likes to work there because his boss smokes with him after work.

He has been drinking since middle school and smoking weed since high school. He started dealing weed about a year ago. I recently found out he's gotten into coccaine.

He's got an older brother who is in his mid 20s, failed out of college and has done every drug in the book. He is a big influence and at least part of the reason why my friend is doing coke now. He's been together with the same girl for 2 years, but she is worthless. She won't stand up for anything and goes along with whatever he wants.

I hang out with him a lot less than I used to, mainly because all he wants to do is go somewhere to smoke and drink with people (I don't smoke).

---------------- end of bg info ------------------

So now for my questions,

I've talked to him numerous times about drugs and stuff, and he basically knows the associated risks and doesn't care. I'm pretty sure I am going to talk to his parents about the coccaine thing, if for no one else's sake but their own. My question is, whats the best way to do this?

Its sort of unsettling to say this, but I don't know how he would react (a little scared even) if he found out one of his friends told his parents about him getting into coke. They would definitely do something about it, although they've never really punished him or anything. So I don't know how much it would matter.

I could do it completely anonymously like a letter without a return address. My friend knows some of his friends know he's started doing coke, I'm not one of them, but this could bring stuff up between them that they don't really want to have to deal with. Most of his older friends have basically given up and so I don't want to pull them into whatever might come out of this.

If I go over to his house one day and am talking to his parents, it would look suspicious as hell, my friend would catch on.

Like I mentioned above, his girlfriend is worthless and I don't think theres any way she could help me. I wouldn't be surprised if she already does or starts to do coke soon.

any ideas on the best way to handle this?

thanks

Vicky
August 13th, 2004, 10:11 AM
do NOT tell his parents
please !
he's not a kid, i understand if he was 12 yeah you could tell his parents but he's 19. what do you think they're gonna do ?

are you his best friend ? or atleast close to him ? if you are then do this:
get him when he's not too f*cked, get him against the wall and just flip out " what the are you doing wight your life ?? what he hell are you doing ? look at your brother, he dropped out of college because of drugs and what is he doing now ? is that what you wanna do ? because you're half way there ! look at your parents, you think they deserve this ? blah blah blah " just whatever it is that you have to say, might also hit him against the wall a few times so he understands
you just have to wake him up .... :rolleyes:

ETA: i know this sounds kind of violent, but sometimes that's what it takes... and parents can never stop a son like that from what he's doing

RedWingsFan
August 13th, 2004, 10:22 AM
I worked as a substance abuse counselor for a couple of years, so I do have some experience with this. Stop beating yourself up looking for a way to "save" this person. There is nothing you can do. A drug user or addict will not stop until they WANT to stop, if ever. If you put pressure on this person you just make them want to do it more. Leave the situation alone and I would stop hanging out with the person, sounds like he has too many issues to be around. You can't save him, no matter what you say. Even if he does decide to stop there is such a chance he would go back to it. Most people that go through rehab don't make it 6 months before returning to the drug use. One big though, is don't be there to help him when he has problems as a result of his use. That's enabling him and helping to have the problem. You might want to check out Al-Anon http://www.al-anon.org/, it's a group that is related to AA (AA is not just for alcoholism but people with drug problems use the group as well). But it is for people that are friends/family members of a person with a drug or alcohol problem. They teach you how to not be an enabler. I would let the parents know too, if you don't then you are enabling him by helping him to hide his behavior from those that care about him and may be able to do something about it. I can see not telling the parents if it was a situation that was not so harmful, but this could be a matter of life and death and they should be informed.

LudwigB
August 13th, 2004, 10:31 AM
Please excuse my bluntness, but I would suggest taking a hike and telling your friend he can come back when his life is on track.

RWF is exactly right, nobody is going to change their behavior until they want to do it FOR THEMSELVES. It isn't your responsibility to save anyone. Losing a friend may be what it takes to get this guy to come to his senses and think about where he's going.

Tash
August 13th, 2004, 10:46 AM
Please excuse my bluntness, but I would suggest taking a hike and telling your friend he can come back when his life is on track.

Yup..That's what I'd do...Tash.

psala
August 13th, 2004, 11:17 AM
what do you think they're gonna do ?
He lives with them so I figured it might be a good idea.


Leave the situation alone and I would stop hanging out with the person
Would it be a good idea to let him know I'm cutting off our friendship? Should I just be straight up and say to him something like "if you can't get it together then we're done as friends" or indirectly drift away by never answering my cell when he calls, not hanging out with him, etc.

I will be going on a mini road trip with a group of friends in a week and he will probably be too, so I think I will talk to him about it then. If nothing comes out of that, then I'm done.

edit: fixing quote tags

*AHIMSA*
August 13th, 2004, 11:33 AM
Ask yourself this: "Do I really want to be in a small, confined space with someone that I have just confronted about matters which they will likely be angry and defensive?" (the road trip, that is)

Do you think he's gonna bring one (or several) of his guns on the trip? Some cocaine? Other mind-altering substances? Choose when to tell him -if at all- and choose how you'd like your time with him spent -if you want to spend ANYMORE time with him at all-choose wisely. Be careful. He sounds like an egocentric sociopath, fueled by overindulgence from his family and overindulgance in drugs and alcohol. Bad combination, if ya ask me. Not pretty. :(

epski
August 13th, 2004, 12:13 PM
Me, too. Self-preservation would trump friendship any day of the week. This is how people find themselves lonely and living in a gutter somewhere... *shakes head*

zoebird
August 13th, 2004, 12:37 PM
i would just let it all go. cut off contact. if he wants an explaination, he'll ask for it.

i recently let a friendship drift away simply because i didn't think they were treating me appropriately. it had nothing to do wiht drugs or anything extreme, they were just being hurtful and i don't need it. So, i just stopped hanging out with them altogether.

i think that's easy enough. the hard part is how you feel about it.

Rebel Girl
August 13th, 2004, 12:46 PM
just leave the friendship, and if he really wants to know why, he will ask. or vicky's idea of a confrontation, which might get something into his head. besides, with all those guns laying around, he might hurt somebody, and you dont want that somebody to be you.

DeeDee2012
August 13th, 2004, 12:57 PM
The main thing I'd be worrying about in this situation is how to avoid pissing this guy off. Even a completely sane, gentle person can go crazy when on too much drugs, and doing anything that would provoke him would only make it worse.
As for telling the parents, it sounds like they aren't really active enough in his life to make a difference, and if his current actions have anything to do with defiance, his parents confronting him about it may make the problems worse. Although if you do decide to do this, I would be positive its anonomyus for your safety.
RWF is completely and totally right, and I know because I've been there. If you have an addiction, no one anything says to you is going to have any effect on the situation other than to arouse emotions. If he is going to snap out of it, he's going to have to hit rock bottom, and have a major event in his life that will pull him back into reality. I hate to say that some people never reach this, or that their rock bottom is death.
I wish there was something I could tell you so you could take action, I know how hard it is to stand by and do nothing when someone you care about is flushing their life down the toliet. Unfortunately, firstly for your safety, and secondly because an effect is not likely, the best course of action would be just to completely disassociate yourself with him.
I would also suggest to back out of the road trip because I'm sure you're probably very emotional about this and it might be hard to hold those back in an extended situation like that. Don't underestimate the very possible danger that you could be in when dealing with someone like him.

Also, not as a suggestion to you (psala) directly, but as a question to the others on the board reading this.. What would be your opinion on the possibility of her contacting the authorities with a possible anonomyus tip that he is in possession or drugs? I don't really know if it would even do any good to the point of them actually investigating it.. nor do I know if it would help her friend any.. but I know jail can sometimes be that "rock bottom" for some people.. I'm just not sure at all if this action would really be right for this situation at all or not.

psala
August 15th, 2004, 12:48 AM
possibility of her contacting
I'm a "he" btw ;P

Technically, I'm not supposed to know he started doing coke yet, I found out through one of those "this convo never happened" type of deals. The trip we are taking is to a hunting cabin up in the mountains, but I really doubt any guns will be coming. We are going mainly as one last time to kick back and bs before school starts up again.

If he brings coccaine any with him, I will probably "find out" there and that will basically be the beginning of the end of our friendship, or at least thats how I am planning it to go.

Thanks for the input everyone, I was approaching this in the wrong way.