Eat to Live IV - support thread for eating disorders

[Formerbaboon]

Good job vegangurl. I like when people call me thin too, and thats why I don't like to eat in front of people. But I think about the big picture sometimes. It can be selfish to not want to eat in front of people. They want to see you eat, and it hurts them if you don't. Or at least thats my take on the situation. Keep up the good work everybody.

[JavaPrincess]

So I am not doing at that awesome right now. It's not even like I am setting out to lose weight, but I am. I've been really cold lately and my clothes are looser. I want to weigh myself, but I know that will only make things worse. It's very strange... I'm not preoccupied with food or anything, and I'm certainly not starving myself... but I just can't finish my meals. I don't feel guilty about eating them or anything, I just get full and it's not enough. I may have to cut back on the hamstering if this doesn't change soon. I am trying not to worry a lot though; it's not like I'm wasting away or anything.

.

maybe you are too emotionally full and there is no space left for the food. thats what we talked a lot about in therapy as being a hinderance, its like all the emotions that you are feeling and all the stress is siting in your gut and taking up the room and until you deal with the emotional stuff even if you dont yet know what it is. there will never be enough room for the food.

[AngelOfDance]

:sick: so... I was pretty gung-ho at the beginning there. I was sure I would be able to do it and that getting rid of such a huge trigger was my secret to success...

I was even doing pretty well for a few days. I still can't bring myself to eat much more than a few salad veggies in the dining hall (where there are loads of people I could potentially know or see again on a regular basis...) but I was getting some stuff to bring back to my room and eat there. But now... I have ballet class tomorrow and I'm dreading it so much... I don't want to stand in front of those mirrors with all those other girls... I promised my mom I wouldn't drop any classes though, so I'm staying out the semester. I just won't sign up for it again.

There's a dance concert coming up too... not just ballet, some modern and jazz as well. It's sort of a given for me that I'll try out, but I'm not really sure how I feel about it.

I just don't want to go to ballet tomorrow... it's all I can think about. I feel like I've got a huge exam that I haven't studied for and have no way of studying for... I feel like I ought to do something more to make myself smaller before I have to look at myself... I don't know...

positive: I did well on my piano test today.

[brownieB26]

First of all, since I don't have time to go back and read 24 pages of posts, I want to give everyone in here a major *hug* :hug: and tell them they are beautiful. :kiss:


Leave it to the residence halls to put two past ED people together. This is going to get interesting :dizzy:

[warheart77]

It does hurt people to see you not eat. I realize now how disgustingly selfish I was being before when I lost so many friends due to my eating disorder. Even though the E.D. wasn't my fault or my choice, really, I thought they were being so cruel and so bitchy and hateful and not understanding for ditching me - now, from the reversed point of view - me being in recovering and having friends that are slipping into EDs - I see their point of view.

I see how painful it is to see a friend in such a sick and distorted mindset, hating themselves and striving for an impossible image... I see how exhausting it is to see, understand, and put up with. I realize how irritating it is to hear hour after hour "Do I look fat?" and how helpless you feel to see a friend acting like a plate of lettuce is a feast fit for a king. And how painful it is to see a beautiful person destroying themselves, literally losing their minds, entrenched in this despicable disease.

I was so angry, but I understand why they dropped me now. I understand why even though I thought I was so disgustingly unappealing that people who saw me eat would be horrified, the only 'disgustingly unapplealing' thing was seeing an already skeletal person struggling to eat a piece of broccoli. I only wish I could take that time back. I feel like those years were so wasted. I feel so disgusted with myself. But I can't take it back. All I can do now is remember, and know.

Every time I get those damn urges to push away my plate... It's NOT worth it.

Every time I DO push away my plate, I'm letting the rapists, the naysayers in my life, the critics.... WIN. I'm not going to do that. I'm going to allow myself to thrive. I'm going to enjoy a goddamned slice of [vegan] pizza with my friends. In fact, if I feel like it, I'll enjoy two. I'm sick of that stupid voice in my head telling me I'm not good enough, because I AM. I'm sick of that voice telling me that I need to fade away, that I need to become invisible or at the very least undesirable, because I DON'T. I'm going to let go of the past, and not continue to take what could not have been helped out on myself.

I want to be free and I will, damnit.

[Formerbaboon]

Warheart, your post was great. I'm all teary eyed. I love you! :kiss:

[warheart77]

*Hugs* Love ya too hun, hope you're doing all right...

[Cissy]

I talked to one of the friends I met while I was in the hospital today - she's not doing too well :-/ She's gotten back into anorexic habits, with some purging. Her screen name is even "Quod me nutrit me destruit" (What nourishes me destroys me). And I know it's bad, but I'm sort of jealous, in a way, because as most of you know, I've been having binging problems. I don't mean "oh, I ate an extra cookie" binging, I mean, I ate two meals worth of food in one sitting. I hate it :cry:

POSITIVE - I'm going to play Scrabble with my mom tonight :)

[veganprincess]

vegangurl: :hug: i know, i like it when people tell me i'm thin too. and just yesterday, someone actually complimented me. it felt good.

warheart: loved your post, dear. i wish i could think like you too. what you said about how it's selfish to refuse to eat in front of others - i've never seen it that way before.

last night i had dinner with my bf, and so i had a full meal. and he bought me something else (a little dessert thingy) to have later, and insisted i did cos i was bargaining with him on it. i really appreciate his concern for me, but i also felt guilty for eating. i did not eat anything yesterday (except for some fruits) until dinner time and i was actually feeling weak and light headed, yet i did not want to eat. (but i did, nonetheless....it probably helped that i felt happy, cos i was with him) today i feel fat though. and my tummy is not doing too well, maybe cos my digestive system's all confused. ugh.
the eczema on my scalp has really been acting up lately, and i'm shedding lots of hair. i'm growing my hair out, so i'm not sure if that's why i'm shedding more, or if it's the eczema, or if it's my eating habits. i'm not sure if my eczema's ben triggered by my eating habits too. my period's been real messed up. this time, i'm not even sure how long it lasted. it was just really scattered and relatively light. it stopped on day 2.5 or day 3 (i'm not even surE) and then resumed on day 4 for, like, 5 mins. it's stopped again. (for reference, it usually lasts 5 days, uninterrupted). i don't dare tell my mum all this though. she's been really nice. she called last night, and was very encouraging. she told me my face is sunken and there's no colour in it, that i look pale now. do i? i don't know. sometimes i think i look good. other times i just think i look fat.
u know, i can't even make my own decisions. even simple decisions. that makes me sick. it's like i haven't a mind of my own, cos i'm just so darn scared that the decision i make will be wrong. i can't be wrong. i must be perfect. argh!
i'm so scared, cos i don't want to relapse. i'm scared cos i don't want to hurt the ones i love. i'm scared that if i carry on this way, my bf will get sick of me. i'm also scared of losing my ED, cos then i won't be thin. who / what will i be then?

[warheart77]

It's good you ate. Keep strong hun. You've got to let it go. You're physically destroying yourself (those ARE all ED symtoms)... There's more to you than your eating disorder. Recovering doesn't necessarily mean you won't be "thin". I'm naturally thin and my doctors understood that and didn't force me to gain an unreasonable amount of weight.

You can be thin and healthy, or you can be thin with a distorted image of yourself. You can find things that are good about yourself that have nothing to do with your physical appearance, or you can choose to have your body determine who you are. It all boils down to YOU. Are you solely your body? Do you honestly want your happiness to be determined by a number for the rest of your life? Do you want to continue evading whatever underlying issues are causing you to live this way, or do you want to throw them in the trash can once and for all?

Get rid of this. Before people get rid of you. Because soon enough people do ditch. They get disgusted. They get frightened. Trust me - I've experiences it firstand, on both sides. It's not pleasant at all to see a beautiful person destroying themselves on a quest for beauty and perfection that only ends in clumps of hair falling out, yellow teeth, yellowed skin, brittle nails, lanugo, bones popping out everywhere, being unable to walk up a flight of stairs... It's ugly, it's scary, and no one wants to be around it. Boyfriends ditch, friends ditch, and you're convinced it's because you're so fat and ugly when in fact it's because of that voice in your head telling you you aren't good enough.

[veganprincess]

warheart: thank you so much :hug:

Do you honestly want your happiness to be determined by a number for the rest of your life? Do you want to continue evading whatever underlying issues are causing you to live this way, or do you want to throw them in the trash can once and for all?
i hear you....i DON'T want my worth to be physically justified, and i do want to understand why i can't seem to get my act right. but it's so hard. i never thought i'd relapse.
i know that the scanty period and hair loss are ED symptoms. i am not sure why i asked. i think i needed to be reassured, that "yes, Ana is back to haunt you". when i first had Ana, my periods stopped. my hair got all dry (they're going that way again, slowly) and they turned brown. i keep looking out for lanugo on my body too, cos i had that the first time around. my skin's getting dry. i know all these symptoms too well, but i keep on denying them. i tell myself i must be ok cos i still have the energy for my exercises. (well, yesterday i did not....but maybe it was due to the lack of sleep from the previous night as well) i have also not had as many expressions of concern this time around, so maybe i've not gone too far down yet?
i've been denying that i'm relapsing for too long, but i guess i can't anymore.
the first time around, my friends were all so supportive, though i don't think many of them understood. one of them told me that i had to eat, cos the bones jutting out from my nape were freaking her out. i don't think i am as skinny as i was then, but then again, i can't really tell.
i don't want to lose my bf. or my friends. or make my parents worry.
i bought some food from the supermarket yesterday so that i can have sth more than fruit to eat at meal time. i hope i actually eat the stuff i bought. cos in the past i've bought stuff and then just felt too guilty eating. it's like i can't face anything more than fruit.
my doctor's on holiday; i think i need to see him soon.
i feel like i'm breaking down emotionally, cos this ED's eating me up, and i can't hide it anymore.

[porvida]

today I ate a ton of cereal...a habit I've had lately....and i felt disgusting. I told my mom that I started my period and I was feeling nauseous, then I went into the bathroom and purged. :cry: i feel like I ate so much of it. and I FEEL better now. I didn't even make me sick purging this time, other times I've wanted to do it but didn't want to feel sick to my stomach at that time, other times I've purged with no problem. this was one of those. I'm just upset because I know it's bad and it set off something new in me....i went on vacation, where I ate semi-normally (2 meals a day plus snacks, as opposed to my normal 1-1 1/2 meal-days) and came back and realized I had gained weight. So I didn't eat anything this one day and went to disneyland with my friend. we shared a minute maid light lemonade and got in line for a ride...well, long story short we had to run off the ride right before we got on because I was about to puke EVERYWHERE. I felt disgustingly nauseous. and then I had to eat something. and I've been eating semi-normally since then, but I'm still so unhappy. This purging episode set something off, I know it did. I don't know how I'm supposed to make myself eat the rest of today, or tomorrow...The mere thought of food sounds so nauseating...and the worst part is i don't WANT to eat. :cry: this sucks. The boyfriend's getting more and more upset, my one friend who knows kinda about it is getting really worried, meanwhile my parents see nothing wrong and my dad isn't even bothering getting me into the doctor's...I don't think he knows that I have a problem. he saw me when I got back from vacation and told me I looked more "solid." I took that as the worst insult EVER. He doesn't know that, but It's tearing me up even as I type this. I hated hearing that, and everyone else will tell me that's "good." i dont know what to do.

positive: I got a lot of really cool new clothes and awesome new boots.

[AngelOfDance]

porvida: I'm sorry you're having such a hard time... I know what you mean about taking things as insults. When I came back from the hospital, everyone was telling me how "healthy" I looked and I hated it. Especially because I've heard people use "healthy" as a euphemism for "fat" (seriously)

Princess: I think it's a good idea to go find a doctor and it's a good thing that you want to do that. You don't have to reach rock bottom again before you can climb back out of the hole.

[kristadb]

<---is still reading and happy that most of you are behaving. *cough* positive comments *cough

It's nice to see some of the old-timers giving support to the newcomers, but old-timers, remember to continue to look after yourselves. Many of you are far from being better and it's important you don't lose sight of caring for yourselves.

[annabanana]

I don't have much time so I'm not going to respond to everyone now, but just a quick thought here :)
porvida, I totally understand what you mean about people saying things that they see as positive but you see as negative. For instance, my grandma kept telling me that I 'look good' and I've "filled out nicely". She has absolutely no idea how much that hurt...I mean, she could've stopped there but kept going. "You're not as thin as you used to be..." "Don't let yourself get sick again..." And I'm not sure if she meant that she suspected an ED or if she just meant 'sickly looking.' But quite honestly, all those comments hurt so much! But you have to realize that others can't always see things from your perspective which is a shame because they do harm without realizing it sometimes.

I had a positive but forgot it. I'll get back to you :)

ETA: Positive, kind of. More of a realization. We have two dogs, one that is larger and lean and the other is more medium-sized and fragile. It's much more pleasing to have the larger, more 'solid' one laying on the couch with me than having the little bony-ish one...I don't really have a conclusion about this thought, but it shows that smaller isn't always better. And I love both of them equally, no matter what they look like...they're just different from each other. Isn't that what people who care should be like towards you? If they really matter, they'll look past your outer appearance and concentrate on the inner stuff. Yay for inner beauty and not needing to strive to please someone else instead of yourself!

[clickman]

Angelofdance: Sorry to hear that your sister is being rather... immature? about the whole ED issue. Have you tried talking to her about it?

Warheart77: Maybe it'd be best for you to stay with a friend while he's back.

Vegangurl: It's good that at least someone knows. I think you'll need more than just parental pressure to get over this, though. On the vegan excuse when people say you've lost weight/are thin... I've used that, too. :(

Veganprincess: Same with you, it's good that at least someone knows. Take each day at a time, I know the days after telling someone are really tough and emotionally wierd.

Cissy: :hug: I have a feeling you have alot going on. Please take care of yourself, alot of people care about you.

Porvida: The parents are going to find out eventually. Have you tried talking with your boyfriend about talking to them, if he does, which sounds like it's inevitable, what you want him to say, etc.? At least then you'll have some idea of what he said to them.

I'm doing ok... I haven't cut for a while (Not really a while, like a week and a half or so?). I'm going away to a cousins wedding this weekend... I'm really nervous about that. I don't like family situations. So we leave Friday, get back Monday night, school starts Tuesday morning, and then I have a dentist appointment afterwards... I'm going to have a really busy next couple of days infront of me. I'm really scared about going to my guidance counselor, since she's the person who basically found out about all this and eventually landed me in the hospital. I'm not sure what I think of that yet. It'd be nice to say I'm grateful she did that... But I'm really not. But I don't loathe her, either. I'm unsure.

[warheart77]

Don't say anything you don't mean. That'll only lead you to a world of trouble. You've gotta be honest with yourself, and the people around you... I had one of those therapists too - I still feel some resent toward her, but I realize she was only doing her job. I hear you on not liking family situations... Unfortunately, I don't really have anywhere to escape to. So I try to either lock myself in my room or stay out as late as possible. Do you have any family members that you're comfortable with? Anyone you're cool with and could stick around for the weekend? I don't know how your family is about this sort of thing, but do you ever bring a book & headphones & just chill in the corner looking occupied for a while? I know it's no permanent solution to whatever makes you uncomfortable around your family, but heck, it can work. Keep your chin up, and keep strong... The days will pass. Congrats on the not cutting. Again, try to have something with you to keep you occupied... something you can turn to in those moments where you get really tense and feel like racing to the bathroom. Because it's not worth it. Temporary solution. Try to find a permanent one (in other words, confront the problem). It's hard but so worth it in the long run.

[NDvegan85]

So I had my appt w/ my therapist today. I was really anxious before it (like I felt like I was going to throw up, my stomach was so tied in knots), but it went really well. I knew logically that everything would be fine and that there wasn't any reason to worry, but I still feel anxious anyway. It was great to see her again. We didn't really go into any depth in anything; I just got her caught up to speed on what's happening with me. My life is seriously nuts right now. Total craziness. You know, sometimes I don't even realize how odd some of the things that I do are until I talk to someone else about it and then I realize that, oh that's not normal. Some things though, I am having a hard time wanting to change. We'll see.

java- I've been thinking about what you said about being full of emotion and so there's no room for food... and it definitely makes sense for me. I am doing so much worrying and stuff about everyone around me and a little about myself, but yet, I'm not really dealing with anything emotionally very well. My appetite was a little better today, so hopefully that will continue.

warheart- :wayne: That one post back there was fabulous! You're doing really well.

[Azalea]

Hey guys :)

ND- I've been worrying about you...That's such an awkward and difficult situation with your new roommate, and the fact that you haven't really been eating enough for your activity level...
I'm glad to hear that your appointment with your therapist went well.
I hope that you manage to deal with whatever's making your life crazy right now...

Cissy- I can relate to your situation...The other day I saw this girl on the bus who I know is anorexic. A few years ago I'd sometimes see her at the bus-station in the city or at a mall, and maybe I’m imagining things, but I think we sent each other these weird looks when we'd run in to each other, as we were both underweight and I think we both guessed that our situations were alike...In the supermarket we'd both be spending a lot of time looking at nutritional information...Both of us hidden in too-big coats.

And now...and for the last 1.5 year, whenever I see her we're now worlds apart. She's still pitifully skinny, looking frail as a child, but with the face of an old person, and me heavy and solid, now one of the "normal"; healthy.
She stayed in the game and I quit. And while I know that I'm without a doubt the one better off, that she is the one wasting her youth -time she'll never get back- on her illness, that she's weak and sick and seriously damaging her health, I still sometimes feel like I've failed, and I feel angry with myself for being so big, and I sometimes wish I could be the thin and weak again...
It doesn't help that my problem today is more about over- than underrating, and that whenever I binge or overeat it's so hard to not dream about having control again... So yeah, I know what you mean...It's not easy to deal with.

But in the end...I do know that I'm doing the right thing not restricting, ruing my health again. It's so not worth it...Sometimes I think that if I ever feel like I did in December 2002 again, I might as well go right ahead and kill myself, as harsh as it may sound, because it's better than what was a pitiful existence anyway, living in perpetual fear, drained, weak from hunger and so tired. (even though I was eating in a day what some of your probably ate in a week, and was probably a lot heavier too...)


And I wonder why on earth I think being skinny is worth that, and why I believed it then. How something so useless and random (a condition that used to be a sign of poverty, lack of food, or simply (unwanted) genetics) as thinness was supposed to be all it was about, making it worthy to sacrifice everything else in order to get it...It's so mad, yet I know what it's like to feel like that, when logic doesn't matter anymore, because losing weight is IT.
Thankfully I see the absurdity of it now (as I did before, but chose to ignore it), and hopefully I'll never again succumb to the though pattern that I followed for so long.

Well I digress...

Warheart- You're a marvellous person... :rockon: I love your posts, you've got so much wise & truthful to say...
I'm sorry to hear you're having problems with your dad. You're supposed to be safe at home, it's supposed to be some sort of sanctuary (I'm well aware of the fact that it isn't for too many...), and his insensitivity and disregard for how you feel is really shocking...I just hope that you manage to work out some kind of solution to your problem, or at least manage to avoid him as much as you can...

Angel- How are you doing these days? You seemed to be resolved to start taking a little better care of yourself, how's that working out?

Sometimes mere willingness to make a change is not enough, though...You really need some kind of support system that'll encourage you to move on in the right direction. Seeing a therapist, going to an ED group, counsellor or something along those lines would probable be a good idea...

Porvida- When people make remark about weight gain it can be very hard to deal with (my grandmother makes the exact same comments as Anna's grandmother :sweat:) but *please* remember that they're seeing things from an entirely different perspective than we are...Your dad was probably just feeling he should complement you because he though you looked healthier, and wanted to let you know he was happy you looked better...
I think it's about time you seek help...I know it's hard to let go of an ED, but look at yourself, the whole business is making you miserable...is it really worth it?
Take care, hon...:hug:

VP- I'm sorry to hear you're relapsing :-/. Please don't let it get too bad before you do anything about it...You don't have to prove anything, you don't have to see how far you can take it...You've already been down that road before, you know it won't lead to anything good.
I really think you should see your dr at once when he's back form his holiday...
Don't drive yourself crazy about having to make 'perfect' decisions! Nobody expect you to do this...I think you do know what's right and what's wrong here; the right decision is obviously to acknowledge your relapse and do something about it...

vegangurl191- How are you doing? It was definitely a step in the right direction to tell your dad, and I hope that with his support you can work on your recovery, but I also think that seeing somebody is a good idea...
EDs are always about more than food, and working on the symptoms only may not be enough...Meaning that I think it's necessary for you do deal with whatever make you develop an ED in the first place; the cause, the root...


As for me, I have totally lost my appetite lately, I don't know what that’s all about...It's not affecting my eating habits though because I'm used to eating when I'm not hungry (nigh time overeating and such), and so I know I'm supposed to have **** calories a day, and if I'm at the end of the day and haven't reached my point I feel I'm entitled to eat more and I do (and feel bad about it :sweat:) ...But I’m hoping that it'll pass...

Positives- New episodes of Sopranos & Six Feet Under coming up this week!
...and the fact that my dad is coming home from Tibet tomorrow, and the fabulous new soy-cheese pizza my favourite HFS has just started carrying...

[Azalea]

Positive, kind of. More of a realization. We have two dogs, one that is larger and lean and the other is more medium-sized and fragile. It's much more pleasing to have the larger, more 'solid' one laying on the couch with me than having the little bony-ish one...I don't really have a conclusion about this thought, but it shows that smaller isn't always better. And I love both of them equally, no matter what they look like...they're just different from each other. Isn't that what people who care should be like towards you? If they really matter, they'll look past your outer appearance and concentrate on the inner stuff. Yay for inner beauty and not needing to strive to please someone else instead of yourself!

That's a nice observation:)

[JavaPrincess]

hey all,

not too much too say, other then i wish all of you back at school and dealing with new roomates, new food plans, new lives really, the best best best of luck :love: I know its tough and really stressful. take it one day at a time. ND really glad to hear the session was succesful. counselling at school can always help get through the rough times.

I am doing fantastic i think. finally stablizing at my set point and guess what!!! i got told that im in remission! yuppers remission :nana: :nana:

so im psyched. anyway will be around and about. keeping an eye on you all. :surprised

[kristadb]

Aza, why don't I ever have my posts addressed in your mass posts? :(

<-----works very hard at trying to be offended, but fails miserably :D

[AngelOfDance]

in reply to stuff people have said to me:

clickman: The stuff my sister says doesn't actually bother me that much. I know it's because she's a bit immature and she doesn't understand. I also have to realize that in her circle of friends, everything is taken lightly. If someone does something stupid, they're "retarded" and according to her, my womanizing father is "gay." I'm sure that if she actually knew anyone well who was gay or retarded, she'd be less inclined to use those terms so lightly. I also don't really think she intends to be insensitive. In fact, since I went into treatment, I don't think she's even used the word "anorexic" at all. Your sensitivities change, I suppose, when something stops being a stereotype and begins to be reality.

Azalea: I actually am doing better. I feel a lot better, more cheerful and energized. As long as I can keep this up, I'm not going to seek out help. Therapists and counselors cause me tons of anxiety and I honestly think they do more harm than good. I hate, loathe, and dread contact with counselors in general. However, if things start getting bad, I will tell someone. I did take down the number of the counseling office just in case I feel the need to use it.

umm... that's all I really have to say right now.

positive: I get to go home tomorrow! and do lots of laundry!

[annabanana]

I'm so happy! Apparently I was the one who helped my friend (a year younger than me who I've sort of been mentoring) realize how much she was hurting herself by taking diet pills. She only told me this today, and I never realized how much of an influence I've been on her. We didn't even talk about it in detail, but I think she's gotten the point across that she should accept herself for who she is and not take cr*p from anyone else that puts her down. She says she's been off the pills for a few weeks now :sunny:

[AngelOfDance]

congratulations, Anna! It must be great to know that you're a good influence on your friend. Now you have to KEEP being a good example for her.