Eat to Live IV - support thread for eating disorders

[veganprincess]

JP: i have not been to see my doctor (psychologist) for some time now, but was contemplating doing so. i agree that it would help to talk to someone. the only (minor) problem is that my doctor is not in my country (but in a neighbouring one) so to see him would mean that i might need to take some time off. but i might go back to see him though (gosh, i can't even make up my mind) :surprised

[porvida]

so, my boyfriend came over yesterday and we talked to my mom about the eating thing. she cried. she said she may have been too close to the problem to realize it, and i dont think she knew i had such a problem with my body. she was sad when i told her i've had a problem with it for years, i remember being 10 and lookign in the mirror and thinking "oh my god, ew". She was confused, she said "but you eat..." and i said "i know, but I don't eat alot, apparently, and its getting so i CAN'T eat sometimes. I'm obsessed with calories, and I count them and keep track of them like crazy. I can't imagine living where I DON'T do that, i can't let myself go because then i couldn't possibly be happy with myself." we gave her something my boyfriend had me look up and print out, symptoms of anorexia, how to treat it, etc. She called my doctor and told her we needed to meet with her right away.
and this is the sick thing. it almost scares me. I'm sitting here hoping that I'l have lost some weight by the time I go to the doctor's. I don't have a scale at home and so I feel lke I can't keep track of my weight. If I was to go somewhere and weigh myself and find out that I weighed more than I thought I did, I feel like I'd just die.
I keep picturing this scenario in my head:
I'm in my therapist's office and he's trying to help me and talk to me. and all I keep saying is "look, i just want to lose a few more pounds and i'll be happy, i don't need all this therapy, i JUST WANT TO LOSE WEIGHT." but i know that if I do lose more weight it won't be enough for me.
i guess i'm glad I told my mom though. I was afraid to talk to her because I knew she'd be upset. But it's a step in the right direction, the next part is for me to actually cooperate with them...

[Formerbaboon]

Porvida-That was so brave what you did. Thats so good that you have the support of your boyfriend, and you were able to talk to your mom. Good job!

[clickman]

Porvida - Way to go on a step in the right direction! Good luck with the doctor, they'll do some tests to see how bad off you are medically. Don't be afraid to tell them everything, the more they know, the better they can help you.

FB - You're definetly not "plus sized"! :notvegan: And, going on the same lines that glamboy said, there's no perfect body. It doesn't exist. However, you can make it pretty darn close, simply by being confident in what you have.

[AnnikaBaanaica]

I have a docotr's appt today...and I am really scared about it, because I didn't gain the weight I was supposed to because I went away this weekned, so i had a hard time getting in the caloires...I am afraid I will water load again :(

[Formerbaboon]

Annika-I know this might not work, but you could try telling him the truth..

[AnnikaBaanaica]

but if I don't weight what I am supposed too I have to go to the hospital for a tube, I don't want to water load, I don't want to be dishonest, but it was an accident

[Formerbaboon]

:( Tube feedings are scary. I don't know what to say. I've waterloaded before, and the aftermath really sucks. Are you going there alone? Maybe you can bring someone with you that could justify your eating..

[DoshKel]

I just came back from my doctor also. I almost had to go to ER today because they said I was so low and my body has nothing left in it. They gave me another option which I took. I have to drink 4 Ensure Plus drinks a day [which is 3x more cals than I take in now alone :worried:] and go on this special diet plan. I am scared to death of those Ensures and now they put me on 4 a day....i'm going to be sick :(. I am really worried i'm going to come out of this week 10x bigger than I am now.

Positive - I might be moving back to my old town :). This is good because all my friends are there.Also, I hope everyone else is doing ok.

Cheers.

[annabanana]

I'm a bit discouraged right now, because now that I'm running more, I'm hungry more often, which is good because I've learned to really listen to my hunger. However, my mom (who has some issues of her own...) hasn't been buying much food lately, so I'm left to my own devices (i.e. babysitting money) to buy my own food, which is mainly fruit. So I've been trying to get my mom to go shopping and get more substantial stuff, but she obviously doesn't get it. She thinks that having (insert small amt. of food here) is enough for me for the day :( I told her I didn't have lunch because we didn't have veggies or anything, and that I'd only had (small amt of food) and she's like, "oh, that's okay. That's enough". Makes me angry because now that I'm realizing I need more food, she's kind of discouraging it...whatever. I try to distance myself from her and take care of myself for the most part, so I'll just keep on truckin' :)

Positive: I saw a movie today and enjoyed it (usually I don't like movies)

[monkey086]

Anna...your mom is aware of your ED, right?? Wow...that is a complete contrast from my parents...always asking if I ate enought, etc. It's great that you can realize that she is wrong though and know that you DO need more! Don't let her fool you!!

[veganprincess]

annabanana: sorry to hear that :hug:
maybe you could use some of that money for other foods besides fruits? i really do hope you find a way around it. it's good that you realise that you need to eat though.

[annabanana]

Anna...your mom is aware of your ED, right??

Actually, she doesn't :( Some friends helped me through the toughest parts, and by the time I realized I had hurt myself, I was already getting better and saw no reason to tell her (if that makes any sense.) :think:

ETA: I'm sure she's noticed some tendancies of mine, though, but she's had some troubles of her own so I think she's a bit preoccupied. But I really and truly think I'm doing all right doing this myself; I know that a lot of people say that, but I am making lots of improvements and rarely hear that ED voice anymore and am not responding to would-be triggers. :yes:

[monkey086]

Oh wow...so you don't see a doctor or anything? That's amazing if you've done this pretty much all on your own (not that there's anything wrong with getting help), but most people have a terrible time (including myself)!

[annabanana]

Oh wow...so you don't see a doctor or anything? That's amazing if you've done this pretty much all on your own (not that there's anything wrong with getting help), but most people have a terrible time (including myself)!

Nope, no doctor. The worst of it was only a little less than a year; I was lucky to have caught it in the early stages, before it had gotten really severe...not to say it wasn't hard to make changes, because it was difficult, but I can't say I'm completely out of the ED loop yet, unfortunately. I credit my friends for showing me what I was (have been?) doing to myself; I honestly thought I was being logical by counting every single little detail about what was in my food...couldn't imagine life without things being that way. There have been so many roadblocks, though, but I think I've done all right so far. ETL has been my major support :)




Rereading this, I make it sound like I've just been pretending this whole time and making EDs seem like a small thing, but really, that's not how I see it...I feel like I've been through so much in the past couple years... :-/

[monkey086]

I don't think you came across that way at all!!

[April]

Hey Cissy!

If you're looking for cold protein sources, go wild with soft tofu smoothies if you have a blender. You could also try cold refried beans as a dip with celery or peppers or any other crunchy veggie of your choice, or wheat free wraps, if you can find them. If I think of anything else, I'll be sure to let you know. Soy yogurt is an option, too.

[veganprincess]

annabanana: hats off to you for having the determination, courage and the ability to battle your ED without a doc. i don't think i could have done it.

[Formerbaboon]

Yeah, annabanana, good for you! I was a more unlucky one... I don't think I have told this story yet.

It was a sunday, and of course, I wasn't consuming anything but tea. My dad offered me some breakfeast, and I said no. My parents already knew I was anorexic, and they were trying to get me into UCLA. He asked me and my sister to do the dishes, and when we were, we were fighting. She was hitting me, like she always does, because she is twice the size of me. I just grabbed a knife, went to the bathroom, and slashed my wrists. I didn't hit an artery, but there was blood. My sister saw, and she told my dad. He took me to the hospital, and they took my blood pressure. It was something around 60/30. I was within 12 hrs. of dying. It was really scary.

But annabanana, if you do need help, you can always go to the doctor...

[meatless]

I caught my ED early on too and never saw a doctor for it. Much like when I put on lots of weight, after I took off so much weight I realized I didn't recognize my body anymore...I looked gaunt and pale and got sick... like annabanana said, not to minimize EDs at ALL but I think I caught myself early enough to be able to deal with it effectively without a doctor.

[kristadb]

AnnB - I saw your meal plan somewhere here and it's pretty good. Keep up the soy milk/regular milk, as your bones really need the extra calcium. I would also suggest keeping the green vegetables and potatos in your diet - both will help a lot.

[Formerbaboon]

I'm not very happy with everyone jumping down glamboys back. She might not come back now, and I am sad :(

[MsRuthieB]

No one jumped on her. If she takes a break, comes back, doesn't come back..however it turns out for her that is totally her decision.

[Formerbaboon]

Yeah, but people (like me..) might miss her, ya know? And yes, alot of people jumped on her.. She is trying to move on, she is doing such a good job with her past eating disorders, and if she wants to detox, I doubt she is doing it for weightloss..

[Cissy]

FB - If you miss her, there are also email and PMs. And I know many of us here are of the opinion that detoxing/fasting is a BAD IDEA for anyone who has dealt with eating disorders. (I'm sure Krista would tell you if you want) If GB wants to come back, she is free to :) Like Ruthie said, it's definitely her choice.

I guess I'm doing okay. I ate too much today, but (POSITIVE!!) I got through it. I'm getting to disliking myself less often. Though my self esteem is pretty much non-existent; I honestly don't know who I am, so I can't have esteem in that person.

POSITIVE - I'm not freaking out over eating too much or not-exercising. Which is good.