betrayal

[Schoska]

I went out, got drunk and didn't do anything to stop a friend from kissing me. If anything, I responded. When I got home and I had sobered up I totally flipped out and ending up cutting myself several times (something I haven't done for quite a while)
This is ...terrible. I have a b.f and I am so ashamed of what I've done.
I don't know what to do. He wasn't there at the time but I don't know whether I should tell him what happend, or leave it and only confront it if he finds out.
Part of me thinks I should just break up with him because I clearly don't deserve to be in a relationship with him. :( I don't know what happend.. I love him so much and yet I did such a terrible thing.

[meatless]

I am not sure what to say.
One thing for sure is you shouldn't be cutting yourself! :(
I wouldn't just break up with him and not tell him why. he'll be hurt and wonder if it's his fault etc. If you love your boyfriend and you want to stay with him and want to make it work, I'd suggest you tell him before he finds out another way. Tell him, and make sure he knows how you feel about him and what you want to happen. You might also want to ask yourself why you didn't resist the other guy's advances, and if there's something in your relationship that's not right that would make you more vulnerable to other people's advances.
Good luck.

[AngelOfDance]

I think it's forgivable... you didn't willingly cheat, and that boy took advantage of you. It wasn't a good thing for him to do. If your boyfriend is a decent guy, he'll most likely forgive you.

As for the cutting, don't let it get you back into old habits. It's hard to quit, it's like smoking. you do it again and you want to let yourself get hooked again, but don't. lots of love from me... take care of yourself, and don't worry too much about it. It was wrong of that boy to take advantage of you, and the fact that you feel so bad about it means you wouldn't do it on purpose, so things should be fine.

[Katieq]

I think you should tell your boyfriend, before it comes out later. It sounds like it was an accident and obviously you really regret it, and you can make that clear to him. He still won't be happy and it will be very hard to tell him, but it's better to do it now and have to live with the guilt, or risk him finding out from someone else. Covering up will just make it worse, for you both. Good luck!

[epski]

Not that you need this lecture, but cutting doesn't solve anything.

The most important person in this equation is still you, and you need to take care of yourself, and spend some time figuring out what really caused this, because it sounds like you're in denial a bit, and you probably have some stuff you want to figure out but are blocked.

I'd also share with your boyfriend what you shared with us, though I'd possibly reserve the cutting part, or just be careful about it, so he doesn't take it as some sort of attempt to alleviate anger or make him feel bad about you.

If he deeply loves you, he may well support you in your quest for an answer to your behavior. But I highly recommend getting some counseling.

Good luck, and keep your head up!

[Joe]

I think it's forgivable... you didn't willingly cheat, and that boy took advantage of you. It wasn't a good thing for him to do. ... It was wrong of that boy to take advantage of you ... .

I would agree, except the gender of the "friend" was unspecified in the original message.

At any rate, Schoska, the "sin" of kissing another person is not so bad, in my opinion, and some sort of self-forgiveness is in order. Also, getting drunk, cutting yourself, and breaking up with your boyfriend are not helpful and are possibly worse "sins." Just chill out, calm down, stay sober, and stop beating yourself up.

[MollyGoat]

Yeah, what Joe said.

You hardly did anything wrong, in my opinion. Just talk to your boyfriend about it. It'll be cool.

[Artichoke47]

I agree with what everyone said about telling your boyfriend. I'm not going to pretend to know what his reaction will be, but you need to get it off your chest and move from there.

[Kreeli]

i'm going to be the dissenting voice here and say that if this kiss is something that won't be repeated, and that was truly a mistake, you shouldn't tell your bf just so that you can "get it off your chest". that's great for YOU...you can feel less guilty by being "honest"...but for him it could possibly be devestating and have far-reaching, long term consequences.

i think you need to go within and think long and hard about what led you into that situation to begin with. the answers are in your heart. i know you say you were drunk and that of course can cloud your judgement, but even while drunk many people are tempted like that and don't go through with it.

don't tell your boyfriend unless you really feel like this is something you want to explore with the other person. full disclosure is not always a good thing.

[Skylark]

I dunno, Kreeli. I think I understand what you're saying, but at the same time I do know that people tend to talk. Other people may have seen Schoska kissing someone else, and stories like that tend to get around. If I were Schoska's boyfriend, I think I'd much rather hear the straight truth from her now than hear rumors of the incident from other sources. The betrayal has already happened. I don't think that keeping the knowlege of it from the boyfriend will keep the consequences from happening. I'm concerned that the secret may eat at Schoska, and she may blow it out of proportion more than has already happened. It's clearly a big deal to her. I don't think that covering it up will make it go away.

[Kreeli]

well, only schoska knows what the exact circumstances are. she'll have to make her own decisions. but i do know that as someone who's been in a committed relationship for a very long time, with various ups and downs, that if my husband had slipped up minorly like that and kissed someone else, but had no intention of following through on it, i'd really rather not know about it. it would be too hurtful, and pointless...since the behaviour wasn't going to be repeated.

sometimes i think that people who mess up in relationships confess only to relieve their own consciences, not because they think they are doing the person they betrayed some kind of service. because honestly, the self-doubt, mistrust, and questioning of what the betrayed may have done "wrong" can eat them up for the rest of their relationship.

sometimes we make mistakes, and we just have to live with them, and keep silent on them, to avoid hurting another person further. that's part of the process of learning about loving.

but only schoska knows what the exact circumstances are. if she thinks someone else might tell her boyfriend what happened then my advice could well be moot. if the hurt he's going to feel is inevitable, whether she tells him or not, of course i agree that she should be the one to say something. but if it's not going to get around, then i think she ought to sit on it.

[meatless]

I would never recommend confessing to relieve one's own conscience.. my concern was him finding out another way, or her simply dumping him with no explanation, which was one of the options she suggested. That would be even more unfair and hurtful to him.

[Kreeli]

i agree, meatless. that is a hurtful option.

schoska, don't break up with your boyfriend just to punish yourself for a small mistake you've made. don't cut yourself. you are a human and you slipped up and had a moment of weakness. there may be more to it (ie. unearthed feelings for this other person), and if that's the case then you owe it to yourself and him to be completely upfront about it. but if it really was something that you regret and won't do again, there's no point in all this self-flagellation.

[Skylark]

Rock on, Kreeli, you're exactly right. If Schoska isn't going to do it again, and the boyfriend clearly won't find out from other people, then Schoska is probably better off forgiving herself and moving on.

Schoska, listen to her. :D Breaking up with him because you messed up sounds like a good way to let one hurt cause an even bigger one.

[Alfiedog]

In situations like this, I try to put myself in the other persons position. Personally, I'd want to know if my boyfriend went out and got drunk and kissed someone. So . . . it will be difficult to tell him and expect him to be hurt . . .

[Frost]

Yes keep it inside and let it fester. Good option.

Give him the respect he deserves and tell him.

[Joe]

I tend to agree with Kreeli on this one. I don't really see telling your BF about this as being helpful.

Also, I don't think the title of this thread, "betrayal," is an accurate description of what happened. It is an exaggeration and way overkill, in my opinion.

One thing that has not been discussed is Schoska's religious background, if any. If she really needs to "confess" this thing to "get it off her chest,"
then it might be better to confess to a minister, a priest or even a psychotherapist rather than to her BF.

[Kreeli]

Yes keep it inside and let it fester. Good option.



did anyone write that she should "keep it inside" and "let it fester"? :confused:

[Schoska]

Thanks to everyone for all the advice.
Well, I did tell him. I would have wanted to know if it had been me.
We had a good talk, about this, and other things and we are still together which is good.
I think it has put some stuff into perspective for both of us.
And, yes..maybe i did over react. I don't know. All I do know is what I felt, and that coupled with the alcohol and my anti-depressants not working just flipped me out so I thank you all for your patience.

[meatless]

I'm glad you have hopefully worked it out. I hope that you continue to have an honest dialogue, and that mostly you stay honest to yourself. :)

[Alfiedog]

Oh good! It's funny, sometimes these situations can make a relationship stronger!

[Frost]

Glad it worked out.

[Kreeli]

not telling her boyfriend is not the same as "keeping it all inside" and "letting it fester" - there are many ways to unload your worries and problems and many ways of getting it "all out" without potentionally hurting someone unneccessarily.


but whatever. she made the right decision for her. good luck to both of you schoska. :)