Xtreme Tomboy

[Cassiel]

I hope this isn't offensive to anybody, and it probably sounds a little silly, but here goes. I'm 23 years old and female. I've always been very much a tomboy growing up and have always turned up my nose at anything "too girly". Mostly now this consists of turning down things that get in my way (heels are anathema as are skirts most of the time). I like my short hair (it's very short...think Olivia on Law and Order SVU). I'll wear a feminine sweater but most of the time I wear jeans (a feminine cut, sure). My looks don't bother me, but I'm also not particularly feminine in action either. My hips don't swing much when I walk and I often take fairly masculine poses when I stand, completely involuntarily. I have 2 tattoos on my upper arms which are fairly feminine (very flowery) but I'm afraid in combination with the rest of me I may appear a little butch. So I guess what I'm asking is, can anybody give me "girl lessons"? I don't want to change who I am but I don't really like looking like a teenage boy. Is there anybody else out there who feels this way and is uncomfortable with it? Sometimes I just feel like I missed something along the way which other girls have picked up, and sometimes it starts to affect the way I think of myself.

[Marie]

Learn to embrace the person you are. :) You can't make yourself be someone you aren't. :)

****.. I sound like Oprah or someone. :p

[Geoff]

Learn to embrace the person you are. :) You can't make yourself be someone you aren't.

I slightly disagree. I say to make yourself into the person who you desire to be. Don't let any outside force determine any part of you without your consent. It is always your decision who you are. :vebo:

[Pixelle]

It sounds like you were happy being the way you are up until now. What happened, to change that? Did someone make a derogatory comment to you or something about being a tomboy?

If you don't want to change then don't. As Marie said, embrace who you are.

[kristadb]

Cassiel - why were you a tomboy in the first place? I was for a long time b/c I didn't want people to think I was a dumb girl; the "girly" girls all seemed dumb (mostly b/c a lot were, so it was easy to think they all were). I was a tomboy b/c I didn't want my intelligence doubted.

If that's the case, then yeah, it's time to get over that :p

[Strix]

I hope this isn't offensive to anybody, and it probably sounds a little silly, but here goes. I'm 23 years old and female. I've always been very much a tomboy growing up and have always turned up my nose at anything "too girly". Mostly now this consists of turning down things that get in my way (heels are anathema as are skirts most of the time). I like my short hair (it's very short...think Olivia on Law and Order SVU). I'll wear a feminine sweater but most of the time I wear jeans (a feminine cut, sure). My looks don't bother me, but I'm also not particularly feminine in action either. My hips don't swing much when I walk and I often take fairly masculine poses when I stand, completely involuntarily. I have 2 tattoos on my upper arms which are fairly feminine (very flowery) but I'm afraid in combination with the rest of me I may appear a little butch. So I guess what I'm asking is, can anybody give me "girl lessons"? I don't want to change who I am but I don't really like looking like a teenage boy. Is there anybody else out there who feels this way and is uncomfortable with it? Sometimes I just feel like I missed something along the way which other girls have picked up, and sometimes it starts to affect the way I think of myself.

I don't know...I think the diversity among women is attractive. This weekend, I saw a woman who I thought was very attractive and pretty too :) She was just as you described yourself.
If you want to look more "feminine" as it's been traditionally categorized, then you should do it for you; but, in my opinion, I wouldn't encourage a woman to try to fit some unrealistic mold of what's "feminine," because, frankly, very few actually fit that fake-ass mold, lol. Anyway, I think you should just be comfortable.

So far as not wanting to look like a teenage boy or wanting to change your look (nothing wrong with that!), I would say for you to go out and try on a different style of clothing (you don't have to purchase anything right away; just try them on) and see how you like them. You can find some things that are comfortable without being boyish.
Do you like lingerie? How about buying a couple things and wear at home or to bed and see how it feels? That might be fun, lol. Do you have any girlfriends to go shopping with? Maybe get some ideas.

And, is there another reason you want to be more fem? Or is it just you? Just wondering if someone or something prompted you to want to change.

[Cassiel]

Thanks for the replies. Yeah, this is really for me. Someone saying something to me would probably actually ossify my current attitude more than making me want to change it, so that's not it. I was a tomboy mainly because most of the kids in my neighborhood were boys, and the girls at school were catty and nasty so I'd rather hang with the boys anyway. On top of which their attitudes - the whole squeally, "eek it's a spider" thing - were really irritating. So I think I just got in the habit of being more boyish because that was what was acceptable to the boys I was playing with. But now I'd much rather be more feminine - I am a woman and I'm happy with that. I guess I'd like to act like one without feeling awkward, and see myself in the mirror without thinking "I look butch". I just don't know how to do that. As for getting new clothes, I am trying to do that but it is a slow process - I'm sort of poor right now because I'm also a college student. We're getting there. :) Sometimes it just feels like there's some kind of "feminine secret" other girls got let in on in high school while I was out hiking and playing with the lizards. What am I missing?

[Strix]

Thanks for the replies. Yeah, this is really for me. Someone saying something to me would probably actually ossify my current attitude more than making me want to change it, so that's not it. I was a tomboy mainly because most of the kids in my neighborhood were boys, and the girls at school were catty and nasty so I'd rather hang with the boys anyway. On top of which their attitudes - the whole squeally, "eek it's a spider" thing - were really irritating. So I think I just got in the habit of being more boyish because that was what was acceptable to the boys I was playing with. But now I'd much rather be more feminine - I am a woman and I'm happy with that. I guess I'd like to act like one without feeling awkward, and see myself in the mirror without thinking "I look butch". I just don't know how to do that. As for getting new clothes, I am trying to do that but it is a slow process - I'm sort of poor right now because I'm also a college student. We're getting there. :) Sometimes it just feels like there's some kind of "feminine secret" other girls got let in on in high school while I was out hiking and playing with the lizards. What am I missing?

Haha, funny...as I look back on highschool, I wish I had been more like you :). While I was worried about clothes and going out, teasing my hair :afro: , and makeup; I wish I had been hiking and -- well, sans the lizards -- doing more outdoorsy stuff. :)
I know what you mean, but, really, there isn't a secret! For example, Bernadette Peters is someone I would say is "feminine" in the traditional sense; and Angelina Jolie is tomboyish, but sexy as hell, no? I think it's partly who they are and partly what they've chosen to "be." For example, Angelina could try to look more feminine, and she would; but she would never be a Bernadette Peters-type of fem, you know?

ETA: You're not missing anything!!

[rabid_child]

I can't really say that I was ever too big of a tomboy, but I wasn't a very girly girl either. A few summers ago I decided that I hated shorts and transitioned almost entirely to skirts and sundresses in the summer and in doing so got so much more comfortable dressing girly. Since then, my everyday wear has gone from more gender neutral to femanine without being frilly. I still hate heels and refuse to wear them except in the most extreme of circumstances, and rarely wear makeup, but I think I'm "softer" than I used to be. I think try girlin' it up around the house or when running errands or something first so you won't have to deal with people commenting on what you're wearing (that was the most awkward part of switching to girlier things, everyone had to COMMENT) and then when you're comfortable and confident with you being girlier, then share with others.

[Christy]

I was/am a tomboy. I grew up mostly with my father and older brothers, so I think that influenced me. Now, I am not that girly. I am assertive, wear jeans most of the time (outside of work), and get along with men better than some women I know (though I get along with women, too, as long as they aren't catty or whatever). I think some of my mannerisms and clothing choices (muscle shirts, anyone?) are included in this. Now, though, I have long blonde hair, so that counteracts the somewhat masculine aspects I have.

I say as long as you want to, try things out to see what you're comfortable with. You can be more girly without being the things that annoy you (and me). Do you wear makeup? If not, just try some lip gloss and/or maybe mascara. Watch how you sit. I remember once as a kid that my stepmother at the time pointed out that I sat just like my Dad (legs wide). Not too feminine, huh? No need to curtsey or cross your legs, but you probably get my drift.

Another suggestion I have is to try on things you wouldn't normally pick while shopping. You might like something on you that looks "not you" on the rack. I've surprised myself a few times, though not enough to ever wear anything pink or flowered-y.

ETA: Another childhood memory - on the rare occassions when I wore a dress or skirt, my Dad would say, "You look like a girl!" He meant that in a good way, of course.

[Cassiel]

See, but Angelina Jolie "looks" very feminine - she's skinny, finely built, has gorgeous long hair and full lips. So she is a girly-looking tomboy. Meg Ryan can be the same way. But I am built much heavier. Don't get me wrong, I like the way I am built - I am athletic and sturdy, stocky might be an applicable word. So I'm not finely built or "cute". I wouldn't mind finding some more feminine clothes but the trick will be getting a style which will look right on someone built like me. I'm 5'9 and 190 lbs, but with 29% body fat so a lot of this is muscle (we have this freakish ability to put on muscle in my family, I swear). Now I feel like I'm just being difficult so I'll shut up and listen to you guys' suggestions again... ;)

[toesonthenose]

i'm kinda both too...i never wear anything more than the smallest amount of mascara / liner and occasionally lipgloss. i wear jeans and the 2 skirts i do own are denim and i wear them with flipflops or converse. i wear girly tops - no sequins or anything (ugh), just closer fitting and feminine-ish...i even have a flower blouse, which i wear with jeans and skateshoes :) i used to buy all these fem things (the heels and stuff) and i never felt they fit me, so i stopped. now i just buy what i like and mix it up somehow - don't be afraid to do that...if you're confident about it and you like the clothes you can pull it off.

[Pixelle]

I've got a mental image now of Christy striking a pose in her muscle shirt :)

[eggplant]

You could be describing me! Growing up, I liked sports and collecting worms and stuff, and was pretty disgusted by frilly things and girls who screamed when they saw any creepy critter. Because I associated all fun things with being a boy, and all the annoying things with being a girl, I thought for awhile that I wanted to be a boy. Then puberty came along... Although I was still somewhat tomboyish, I started to experiment with more feminine clothes and makeup in about 10th grade. The makeup lasted until I was a freshman in college and one morning while putting it on I thought to myself, "I hate doing this," so I stopped, except maybe some lipstick if I go to a wedding or something. However, I don't think anyone would say I'm masculine. I still like more feminine clothes (not really, really feminine though) now because I like how they make me look. I used to wear heels occasionally, but then realized that there's no reason I should be in pain, so those are gone. So, I guess my advice to you is to try out different things--wearing makeup, trying different types of clothes, etc. and see what you're comfortable with. Don't keep doing anything that you don't like to do, and keep doing the things that feel right!

[Bobsy]

Hehe, I feel exactly the same :)

My problem isn't so much that I'm a tomboy, but that I have absolutely no fashion sense. I don't know what will look good on me, or how to put an outfit together. And I suffered so many insults as a teenager for dressing 'wrong', that I settled on the easy stuff - jeans, vest tops, t-shirts, sweatshirts.

I'm 23 and I still dress like a teenager. My wardrobe hasn't evolved.

What I've been doing, which may also be a good idea for you since you're on a tight budget too, is buying clothes in charity shops that I like, but that are outside my usual dress style. I also choose a couple of colour schemes and stick to them. For example, I know that black and stone look good together and suit me, and I know that I like pastels such as pink, blue and lilac and the way they look on me. I tie pastels together with white or cream. I know as long as I stick to these colour schemes I can make new outfits from the clothes I have, and that they will generally look good on me.

I have bought a few things--such as a long, pink cardigan that looked far too mumsy--that have been mistakes, but since I'm shopping in charity shops it's not too much of a waste!

So, I bought a smart, stone jacket for £3, that smartens up almost any dark outfit. I wear feminine shoes--also bought from charity shops--with my jeans instead of trainers. I know that accessories top off the look, so I try to match my style of jewellery to the style of clothes. Now I just need a nice, black jacket (to go with my stone outfits), and something to go with my pastel-outfits (I'm thinking maybe a white or cream jacket?) and I'll be set! I'm still waiting for something nice to turn up in the shops :)

I still feel like a little girl playing dress-up, and I'm still figuring out what my final style will be. But by buying things cheap I don't feel wasteful if I end up not wearing them. Besides, I can always donate them back to the shop.

But I do know what you mean! I'm just sick of looking like a teenager instead of a woman.

Have fun with it, Cassiel :) You may find out that you prefer your current dress style, but there's nothing wrong with experimenting a bit!

Do you have any make-up lying around, or have any friends who could help give you a make-over? Sometimes it's fun to try different colours and see what you come up with. I always thought green eyeshadow would look good on me, since I have green in my eyes, but no way, it looks awful. However, bright pinks and lilacs and orangey-browns look great and not garish in the slightest, which I would never have guessed without experimenting!

[monkeyandbunny]

See, but Angelina Jolie "looks" very feminine - she's skinny, finely built, has gorgeous long hair and full lips. So she is a girly-looking tomboy. Meg Ryan can be the same way. But I am built much heavier. Don't get me wrong, I like the way I am built - I am athletic and sturdy, stocky might be an applicable word. So I'm not finely built or "cute". I wouldn't mind finding some more feminine clothes but the trick will be getting a style which will look right on someone built like me. I'm 5'9 and 190 lbs, but with 29% body fat so a lot of this is muscle (we have this freakish ability to put on muscle in my family, I swear). Now I feel like I'm just being difficult so I'll shut up and listen to you guys' suggestions again... ;)

You are turning into such a diva... :lol: sike!

OMG! Are we twins? I'm 5'9 and *ahem* very sturdy also. I can also completely relate to how you feel. I tend to associate "being feminine" with "being uncomfortable" i.e. high heels, itchy lace or slimy make up. Personally, when I am shopping for dresses I look for items that are comfortable and I can move around easily. I tend toward simple lines, but I will pair a simple black dress with some funky jewlery.

If you find yourself with a couple of extra bucks, get a highlight kit and add some streaks to your hair. I also suggest visiting a make up counter and having your face done. Usually this is free, buy 2 of the products they used on you. (MAC, Lorac, Aveda, Bobbi Brown don't test on animals)

[Cassiel]

Thanks, everybody! Lots of good suggestions, especially about the charity shops and the free makeovers. Eggplant, LOL - when I was young (up till about the age of 10) I really thought I wanted to be a boy, too! After all, boys get to wear pants ALWAYS, even when they dress up! (Hated all dress occasions because it meant just that - a DRESS.) Monkey, hey, it's good to hear from another sturdy girl. Makeup is fine as long as it's minimal. I really can't stand foundation, blush, eyeshadow... but I will wear lipstick or mascara occasionally. Lipstick itself seems to make a big difference. I dunno, maybe if I go to a counter and get one of these free makeup jobs I'll think differently. I'm to be a bridesmaid in a wedding in 2 weeks so good makeup will be somewhat important. But I still draw the line at foundation. Anyway, thanks again everybody. Feeling lots better about this after hearing from you. :D

[Christy]

Ugh. I should find someone to scan the photo of me at 8 or so in a pink and white lace dress with crinolines (is that what they're called?) that even had bells sewn in, white lacey socks and patent leather shoes. Hideous. They made me do it.

[monkeyandbunny]

Ugh. I should find someone to scan the photo of me at 8 or so in a pink and white lace dress with crinolines (is that what they're called?) that even had bells sewn in, white lacey socks and patent leather shoes. Hideous. They made me do it.

OY! It had bells! I'm getting itchy just thinking about it.

[Cassiel]

Christy - ew! I feel for you, I REALLY do!!! Easter was the worst for me - the new Easter dress usually also involved a flower encrusted, ribbon-bound hat which refused to stay on and when it DID that was usually because it was somehow attached (and pulling) on my hair. Add to this the tights (itchy) and the admonitions, "keep your knees together!" "don't run!" Nightmares from my childhood...no wonder I was a tomboy...

[tearhsong2]

I totally fit into this "tomboy" thing, too. I used to only wear men's clothes back in junior high and high school, though I occasionally would wear a skirt or dress. I don't wear makeup, either (I only wore mascara, powder, and lip gloss on my wedding day and it felt like I was going overboard). I rarely do anything to my hair except brush it or put it in a ponytail. My nails are never done (trimmed down maybe, but never polished, long, or filed) I could care less about my feet except that they are clean and my toenails are trimmed (my mother-in-law gave me a pedicure once and was horrified--she does nails/pedicures/body waxing for a living).

Now, I'm a little more girly than in high school--all of my clothes are from the female section at least, though they're jeans, cargo pants, t-shirts, and sweaters. I do own 2 pairs of high heels because I decided to get them to wear with some clothes I bought. But since I can't walk on heels very well, they both got worn once and they're still in my closet. At least I bought them when they were really cheap.

I want to know how to look more girly or at least more "put together". My problem is not wanting to spend more than a few minutes in front of the mirror getting ready.

[Cassiel]

Tearhsong, I hear you. Sometimes it even feels a little wasteful to spend too much time in front of the mirror (my mom, God love her, spends about an hour and a half a day in front of the mirror, and I can't help thinking, "I know you have better things to do than this..."). At least if our boyish clothes are from the women's section, they are cut right. But how do you girls out there get that really "finished", "put together" kind of look?

[Strix]

Tearhsong, I hear you. Sometimes it even feels a little wasteful to spend too much time in front of the mirror (my mom, God love her, spends about an hour and a half a day in front of the mirror, and I can't help thinking, "I know you have better things to do than this..."). At least if our boyish clothes are from the women's section, they are cut right. But how do you girls out there get that really "finished", "put together" kind of look?

Finished put together look...hmmm...well it's just a combination of things like hair, makeup, clothes and how well they all go together -- the final look of everything together. And also how comfortable I feel in what I've chosen, feeling-wise and visually. So if I'm uncomfortable in tight-ass shoes, I won't have an "air" of being comfortable in my own skin; or if I'm wearing something "mismatched" or that just doesn't look "right," I won't look "polished" or "put together." Plus it depends on the occasion. For business, you want one "put together" look; and for casual, another.
Sooo, "in conclusion" - lol, I would say it's all about *your* comfort in what you've chosen to slip into :)
And choose things that look good on you; not what is necessarily "in fashion." You most certainly won't look put together wearing something that doesn't "fit" you. Most of us aren't supermodels who can wear the crap they clop like spiders down the runway wearing... (seriously, that is so annoying. Who the hell walks like that or would want to? Unrealistic b.s.! hehe). And there are definitely styles I like but know I can't "pull off," meaning I look dumb :) Or maybe it's "too young" or whatever.

[veganmuncher]

My sister tells me i'm too manly. It really annoys me. I were skirts sometimes but NEVER make up....

I don't care what she says though... :@

[Cassiel]

LOL, well, I wear makeup sometimes but almost never skirts. (Actually, my best friend's wedding is this weekend and I get to be a bridesmaid so I get a really cool dress out of the deal...) What does she mean by "manly"? I've thought this of myself at times but I think partly it's just how I"m built. We are a stocky, sturdy people, my family. Built to last! :D I think my dress kind of looks funny on me because of this. I'm no body builder, but I almost look like one. Strong arms.