I think women date jerks because of low self esteem - lets face it, jerks are pretty up themselves, and when one comes on to you, you feel like your in the spotlight and that you're all 'special'.

Another reason is because i think women see potential in men. They try to tame them, to change them. To turn them into good folk, they are more concerned about long-term rather than what the starting materials are. I think they derive a satisfaction from it. Maybe they know the guy is a jerk, but they are trying to help him, to save him?

I've dated alot of jerky women. And the above are my reasons.

Why do I love jerks?
Well, there are a lot of reasons....
1. I feel I can do no better, so I better damn well take what I can get
2. He seems disinterested- The thrill of the chase
3. The struggle to release that inner sweet person who I JUST KNOW exists
4. For 5 seconds he acts nice and I think I've broke him of his jerkish ways
5. I had sex with him after 2 weeks and now I am emotionally attached to an asshole.
6. Being his number 1 gal makes me feel like hot stuff
7. His cold, distant, loud gruffness is sexy
8. Cleaning up after all his **** makes me feel needed.
9. The make up sex
10. A consuming hobby- going out, fighting, and making up take up LOTS of time and emotional energy.

Well, there's my rundown on why I am addicted to jerks. Hope I helped. :)

Gee, RainbowM, that is so honest. I think you've hit the nail on the head with all of the reasons...and I think they are very common. You're very self-aware! I'd say you've got a good chance of avoiding these types...Good luck!

I think women date jerks because of low self esteem - lets face it, jerks are pretty up themselves, and when one comes on to you, you feel like your in the spotlight and that you're all 'special'.

Another reason is because i think women see potential in men. They try to tame them, to change them. To turn them into good folk, they are more concerned about long-term rather than what the starting materials are. I think they derive a satisfaction from it. Maybe they know the guy is a jerk, but they are trying to help him, to save him?

I've dated alot of jerky women. And the above are my reasons.

"Mummy says I'm special" might be a good place to start :P

I was reading (or rather re-reading) an autobiographical book by Nobel-prize winning physicist Richard Feynman, called Surely You're Joking, Mr. Feynman: Reflections of a Curious Character . He has a section in there about how to pick up women, etc. He says the last thing you should ever do is act like a "gentleman." He claims that anyone who tries to be a "gentleman" is just thought to be a sucker and disrespected. He says a man should not spend a penny on a woman unless she first promises to sleep with him (by the end of the evening). That comes across as harsh and counter-intuitive, but that is what he claims works.

I think it is true that many women respond to kindness with disrespect, and see men who behave that way as being weaklings and doormats. So I can see how maybe such women would respond favorably to being treated rudely and shabbily by a guy who acts like a jerk, interpreting such behavior as a sign of masculinity and strength.

This type of conditioning is what makes assholes. I'd trash the book and be yourself; anyone who doesn't accept you as is, is a waste of your time. Don't manipulate and play games -- you're just asking for it

because some jerks are extremely manipulative, charming, and sociable. they make you feel like a princess but then slowly take control of your life and isolate you form your friends and family because "all you need is each other". then he tells you that you have problems, that you're doing everything wrong, that you're pathetic, that you're a whore because of all the guys you slept with before him, that you can't do anything right, and when you don't bend over for his every request he tells you you have anger problems and you can't take constructive criticism, and he'll tell your family all about it so that they distance themselves even more from you.. and then slowly you realize you might be better off if you left but you don't know who to turn to because you lost all your friends, and you hang on to the relationship until it's a matter of life and death. and then you leave. or you die.

YUP!

Epi, you described my X husband to a tee...he SEEMED like a really nice guy. A sort of bargain basement find if you will. Wonderful, charming, saw to my every need. But by the end of seven years together, we were stuck in a little apartment with no friends (anytime I went anywhere or had any social outings he got REALLY weird, even with my long time friends). Totally isolating. And then he could say of course we were 'best friends'. He'd sucked me dry by that time and it took everything I had to get out of there, but your description of get out or die is quite apt. Perhaps not physical death, but I felt I was dying in every other way...or dead already.

Again though...he passed himself off as a totally nice guy...and indeed in many ways he was/is very kind (on the surface), well spoken, genteel...and totally screwed up and twisted inside.

ICK...gives me the heeby-jeebies just thinking about that again.

B

Okay, so most of us say we were tricked in the begining so.... what after? Why do some/most go back time and time again to bad relationships. Emotional energy is a good point but you could put that energy towards finding someone great for you. I am reminded of the battered wife syndrom. I have the same problem. All the men I have dated have been jerks, so I am just looking for other peoples veiws.

I have no idea why some women would keep going back. :wall:

I had my one really bad experience and that was enough for me! I do have to admit though that I had to find a lot of hobbies to channel my energy towards...actually, I found a new passion for art. But he had broken me down so much that I felt almost compelled to try to please every man in my life in any way possible. It's hard to get back to you when somebody messes with your head that much!

It's not just women. I've seen some damn sweet guys fall all over themselves for stuck-up bitches who see them as little toys to chew up and spit out. We're all raised by TV and magazines to believe that an inch missing about the chest or extra around the waist is ample reason for us to fall into the classification of "****". Thus, we feel at home being treated like ****.

I agree with a lot of the reasons that have been mentioned allready. Has anyone mentioned the Freudian reason yet? Daddy was a jerk, therefore daughter seeks out jerks...

freud was kinda silly- "want to sleep with my mother" theory *shakes head.

not saying that daddy theory isn't very common

Well, I don't know if you have to be a Freudian to agree that the way a woman sees and deals with men as an adult is influenced by her childhood experiences with men...

Was a good psychologist - his theories on child development are still studied and hed in high regaurd today.

This "Sex with your mother" thing was from the Greek story of Oedipus (killed his father accidentaly, married his mother) - hence the Oedipal complex.

Freud did go crazy when he lost his jaw, and then had a wooden replacement. Poor sod...

Another reason is because i think women see potential in men. They try to tame them, to change them. To turn them into good folk, they are more concerned about long-term rather than what the starting materials are. I think they derive a satisfaction from it. Maybe they know the guy is a jerk, but they are trying to help him, to save him?

You know, this is the plot of at least half the romance novels I've read.

I dated jerks for yrs, through low self esteem. My dh is a darling though, nice guys really are best.

Another reason is because i think women see potential in men. They try to tame them, to change them. To turn them into good folk, they are more concerned about long-term rather than what the starting materials are. I think they derive a satisfaction from it. Maybe they know the guy is a jerk, but they are trying to help him, to save him?



This may be true, but it just begs the question of why (some) women feel compelled to try to "change" jerks. This seems to me to be as much of a mystery as the original behavior in question.

Probably for the same reason that a lot of guys date bitchy or psycho women.

Probably for the same reason that a lot of guys date bitchy or psycho women.

The same reason there are bullfighters and rodeo cowbows - the challenge and the excitement. Sex is explosive with psycho women, though she did cut me a few times :junk: :cry:

Plus I saw the good in them, it just needed nurturing.

Why do I love jerks?
Well, there are a lot of reasons....
1. I feel I can do no better, so I better damn well take what I can get
2. He seems disinterested- The thrill of the chase
3. The struggle to release that inner sweet person who I JUST KNOW exists
4. For 5 seconds he acts nice and I think I've broke him of his jerkish ways
5. I had sex with him after 2 weeks and now I am emotionally attached to an asshole.
6. Being his number 1 gal makes me feel like hot stuff
7. His cold, distant, loud gruffness is sexy
8. Cleaning up after all his **** makes me feel needed.
9. The make up sex
10. A consuming hobby- going out, fighting, and making up take up LOTS of time and emotional energy.

Well, there's my rundown on why I am addicted to jerks. Hope I helped. :)

OMG! Took the words right out of my mouth! :wayne: This pretty much sums it up right here. Oh yes, they look good in vinyl pants too. ;) When I stopped chasing wannabe rockstars, I found a nice boy and married him. :smitten: My hub is NOTHING like the spikey haired tatooed boys of my past. He's "nice boy" someone I would have over looked 5 years ago, because he wasn't "bad enough" At the same time, I wouldn't have been a big enough bimbo for him. Moral of the story, I grew up and started looking beyond vinyl pants and tatoos.

I have to say I only dated a total jerk ONCE in my life, and after that, I pretty much only dated guys who were the exact opposite of him and it worked out quite nicely. Now I'm happily married to a non-jerk.

I think the whole "I can save him" theory makes a lot of sense. I have a good friend who dated a real jerk and the guy ended up dying in a motorcycle accident. So now she's resolved herself to a life of dating jerks and trying to save one of them, presumably since she couldn't save the first guy. Very sad.

Okay, so most of us say we were tricked in the begining so.... what after? Why do some/most go back time and time again to bad relationships. Emotional energy is a good point but you could put that energy towards finding someone great for you. I am reminded of the battered wife syndrom. I have the same problem. All the men I have dated have been jerks, so I am just looking for other peoples veiws.

i was talking to my friend yesterday a bit.. lately i've been opening up for the first time about what happened.. and i think the hardest part of dealing with this is coming to terms with the fact that you didn't leave earlier, and maybe when you left you didn't even want to leave, it was just a question of survival. it's so hard to eaxplain this to people... but he understood - he said he knew a man who was the only out of 4 siblings who were beaten up by his parents.. and he is the only one who was obsessive about parental approval, about pleasing your parents and trying to make them love you, trying to be who they want you to be. the same applies to a love relationship. i'm glad i finally asked for help, like my friend told me yesterday, i'm lucky to be alive.

I agree with a lot of the reasons that have been mentioned allready. Has anyone mentioned the Freudian reason yet? Daddy was a jerk, therefore daughter seeks out jerks...

Methinks it's because if the father was a jerk and the daughter got no positive attention from him, she's likely to have low self esteem and is starved for male acceptance. That sort of person is the type that's most likely to seek out the worst type of man and cling to them because she believes she can't do better.

My father was the kind of man that Epi was talking about. He did that stuff to my mother, and I have a strong suspicion he did it to his ex-fiance as well. Fortunately, I got away early when my mom left him and have a wonderful stepfather. I think I'm less likely to fall into that trap now because of it. I want to say that I'm the type of person who doesn't take crap, but I don't know for certain yet. I'll have to learn a bit more about me once I get dating again. I've been a bit of a recluse lately.

Sorrow: In Freud's theory, you'd want to sleep with your father. Women have unconscious desires for their fathers and men for their mothers. Apparently it's more pronounced in men though.

Okay, so most of us say we were tricked in the begining so.... what after? Why do some/most go back time and time again to bad relationships. Emotional energy is a good point but you could put that energy towards finding someone great for you. I am reminded of the battered wife syndrom. I have the same problem. All the men I have dated have been jerks, so I am just looking for other peoples veiws.


At least for me sorry...I think all we know is bad relationships. Many of us were raised on that. We've only seen bad relationships, we don't know how to BE any other way. Also because it's what we know, it is sooo comforting on one level. New and unknown is also SCAREY, and it requires making a commitment to yourself despite any fear of failure one might have. Also, if you get sucked into the drama of this asshole person, you might have that take up a whole...say (hypothetically...or not so as the case may be) seven years of your life. This is so much easier than putting yourself out there...being alone, deciding all the big things like what the heck you want to do with yourself, other than 'being in love.' What kind of person you might want to grow up to be. These relationships become their own little planet of pain...they are horrid little things and they suck us dry. But at least we can focus on someone else...other than self. Focusing on self is hard work.

I had a conversation last year with the teacher I work with... Ihad just started working with her and I think she was getting a handle on how long I would be with her exactly. She asked, "Are you dating?" When I said no, she asked why not.

I said, "Well, I know all about how to have bad relationships, I've been doing that for a long time. I'm very good at those. I think it's time for me to learn to have good relationships, and I think since that's what I want, I should start with something a little bit less all consuming than romance." You know, like the relationship with self...with family, friends...plants. Every day I practice having a good relationship with my plants. With myself...and ever so important, with my daughter. I don't always succeed, but I keep working at it.

Sometime, when I'm comfortable that I have matured to that point, I'll perhaps work on the big romance relationship. Does this make sense?